It has been a very long time since I’ve written anything publicly, but today, a status I wrote and shared on Facebook last year showed up during an Instagram scroll and I felt it heavy on my heart to come share. As I was preparing to write, “you are changing everything” started playing in my mind, so I am also sharing that song after the post! It’s “I am Loved” by Mack Brock, and it’s really a beautiful song. Music is such a gift, and I am truly thankful I am able to hear and I did not lose the ability in my stroke. Anyway, let me move on to the post I know I need to share here on a bigger platform. Please feel free to share it with the next person if you feel inclined to do so.
I wrote this on June 20, 2020 and it seems even more relevant today than it did then! That’s how I receive messages and epiphanies, though. I will write them in the moment when they’re pressing on my spirit, but it seems like they grow in strength over time and the next time I see it is the right time for me to see it. Reading these “on my spirit” posts is really like recognizing my past self is always looking out for my future self. Divine timing, indeed. Alright, here goes!
New blessings are on the way, but they can’t exist where they don’t have space to exist. Do some inventory, clean up and clear out space for what wants to come in.
Give yourself space. Nurture. Get out in nature and just observe a while. Watch the cycle of life through a day, because it is a microcosm of the macrocosm that is us. Take notes, everything is cyclical.
Slow down, don’t be in a rush to go nowhere fast. Direction matters as much as the destination. Move with purpose, but first, just be. Just be, life is not always about doing, going, moving, producing, seeing results in real time.
Nothing can grow when it’s in the wrong environment, and flowers don’t bloom where you don’t plant seeds and tend to the garden. Know this, remember this, act with this in mind, and prepare the space. Literally, figuratively, you know what this means to you.
This is personal. This is private. This is self care, self love, soul work, from the very root. This is foundational, and this is a fresh start. You deserve this, so allow it. Act in ways that align with that’s already yours, even if you don’t see it yet. Your examination, movement, reflection and thoughts are an energy exchange and the world moves when you move. Trust.
Let it flow. Let yourself feel, because you are human and you are whole. You are safe. Wholeness functions holistically and in a balanced system. You have to balance the scales to be at your best. When you are at your personal best so is all around you.
Do not block your blessings. Review. Release so you are able to receive. Believe in what you achieve because it already believes in you. Name it and claim it, because it’s already yours.
There you are! I hope this message speaks to someone today, or whenever you come across it. I named this post “welcome” because that’s the first word that jumped to my mind when I reflected on this sharing this post. It’s time to welcome what and who is truly for you, and be bold and courageous to create space for the new. Move forward in faith and leave fear behind. I know it isn’t easy, but it is worth it. The price of peace in your heart and soul are priceless and that alone should give you strength to do what you need to do and go where you need to go. That’s the hope I wish for you to take away from this post when you read it.
That’s the lesson our dad taught us, just by how he lived. Growing up, he’d give us life lessons in bite sized pieces and they definitely stuck. One of the main lessons was, “don’t do wrong and expect things to work out,” followed closely by “make good choices.” He’d say “college, knowledge, dollars,” and constantly stress the importance of education and the power it brings with it. Our dad truly was, still is, and will forever be a great gift. I know my siblings and I give thanks for him everyday, and I love how much the three of us really are like him in so many ways, even if we are our own people. I absolutely would not be where I am or who I am without my brother and sister, either. I’m glad our dad constantly told us to have one another’s back, because we’ve leaned heavily on one another the past four years.
Four years ago today, my siblings and I lost our dad very suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. I will never forget this day as long as I live, because I was the one who called the ambulance to report he was deceased. I found him early in the morning, around 7:30 a.m., and my entire life changed in that moment. Again. I don’t know how I did it, but I kept calm. “You’re so calm,” remarked the police chief (as well as one of the detectives) who came out to the house. I told each of them I was honestly trying not to panic because I didn’t know how my brain would react. I’d already had a “surprise seizure” just two years earlier (out of nowhere), and I didn’t want to have another one triggered by stress. I knew I couldn’t panic because I had to be there for my brother and sister, and someone had to speak for our dad. That someone was me. As the oldest sister and the one who was present when/where he passed, I had to step up and get to work. My main concern that day was making sure I was handling the business of death and speaking up about/for our dad, informing our family, and then taking care of my brother and sister.
In easily one of the most difficult days of my life, I managed to hold it all together when my inside was shattering. I was so broken, but I also knew what my dad would want from me and for me. He would want me to find peace wherever I could, and keep my head up. For me, that means getting to work. I immediately went into business mode. As much as death (especially suddenly) is emotional and painful, it is also a business, and settling an estate is not easy. It’s exhausting, dark, heavy. It complicates grief because you can’t even focus on hurt when you have to get all of these things done.
I remember the coroner asked us if we’d like to see our dad before they took him to the morgue and sent his body out for an autopsy and at first I said no. My sister said yes, but then I felt like I should just be beside her when she saw him. Looking at him, he looked so peaceful, he honestly just looked like he fell asleep. That was the day I realized how much of life is about a person’s energy and essence. It’s what they do while they’re alive, that makes them who they are. Bodies are truly just shells, vessels to carry the spirit through this world. I can’t explain it, maybe some of you have experienced it, but when someone passes away, everything that made them “them,” passes away too. It was a profound lesson to learn on that gray, cool Easter day, because it impacted how I want to live while I have time left. Our father left a legacy through us, and I am so grateful for it!
I made my dad three promises, and I am three for three. I finished school like I promised him I would, and that was one of his greatest hopes because he believed so strongly in knowledge and using what you know well. Although he did not go to college, he was honestly one of the smartest men I’ve ever met. He read so much, he would quiz us on current events and life in general, but his emotional intelligence was incredible. We have definitely inherited sensitivity and the wisdom to reach others using intuition, from him and our mom. Our dad was just so mellow and cool, but if he said it, he meant it. I say something, I mean it, and I wouldn’t have promised him I would finish school if I didn’t plan on seeing it through. What made it so difficult though, is my dad is the one who was so invested in my education and health. He and I would sit and talk for hours, every week, and he never once failed to ask me about what I was learning and how I felt, forcing me to take a break if I felt too overwhelmed. That’s why, when I didn’t get into the radiology program in Fall 2015 for the Spring 2016 class, I was beyond upset. I was actually irate and strongly considered quitting school because at that point, I felt like I’d lost everything in just six months. Right after I kind of found solid ground again for the first time (post-stroke and living a “new normal” with an acquired brain injury) in three years. I was so done, y’all. Just mentally done and so, so, so angry.
Not only had I spent the past two years working toward getting into this program, but I just lost my dad six months before I found out I didn’t get in! I was already tired trying to get through school with a brain injury, my program was difficult, I really wanted in, and RADS was something my dad and I both could see me doing. I wanted to hold true to exactly what I said I’d do. I wanted to be working in neuroradiology, helping save the lives of people “like me,” and understand what actually happened to me, from a medical perspective. That was one way I’d give back since a CT scan helped save my life. But no, now my academic dream came crashing down, and I didn’t even have my dad to listen and help me sort it all out. I was truly angry. The thing is, some of my best decisions come out of me being angry. I can’t explain it, but anger really motivates me to push harder even though I’m exhausted and don’t know exactly what to do. So, I talked to some trusted friends and advisors, made my decision and changed my major within a couple of weeks. I was pissed about having to change direction, but I was determined to still graduate and do something I love. I’ve graduated, but it was not easy to graduate without my dad being there to cheer me on. He would’ve loved to celebrate me and my work, and that’s why it meant so much to me that my sister decorated the inside of my cap the way she did! I’m still determined to use my degree in a way to help those “like me,” raise awareness and advocate for those with brain injuries, stroke survivors, invisible illnesses. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to do it. Mark my words. :)
I miss my dad every single day and there’s really not a day that goes by I don’t think about him. I need him more now than I did when I was younger, because he’s the one who would sit with me and help me find some calm in the chaos. If I didn’t know what to do and was stuck making a decision, I could take it all to him, dump it out and he would somehow sort it all into neat packages, give them to me, and tell me to “make good choices.” I could really use his help right now as I wait in this limbo state, trying to figure out exactly where I want my career to go. It’s difficult with a brain injury because I still struggle in a lot of ways, and I know how much I struggled when I went back to work in 2012. School was also difficult for me with this invisible (yet very real) injury, too, and I got through by pushing myself because it’d be too easy to just quit and I want to use what happened to me for a higher purpose than just having a story to tell. I just try to think of what he would tell me and how he’d want me to have peace and truth in my decision, and that helps a little bit. Our dad was all about “be true to you,” and living in the authenticity of who you are. When you are at peace with yourself and real with yourself, then and only then, can you be real with the world around you. You have to be who you are, not who the world expects you to be. That’s a lesson I’m beyond grateful for, because the world will try its damnedest to destroy you, and it’s inevitable that life throws some curveballs in your carefully laid plans.
I’m taking my time to be quiet and listen. I’m being patient and I’m absolutely dedicated to being true to me, because that’s how I was raised. I don’t like waiting, but I don’t have to like it to get it done. My life is different now and I have to be discriminating in how and where I spend my energy, as it’s limited. I only want to give the best I’ve got and I can’t do that when I’m not being true to me, or tired from doing too much. I don’t have to, and that’s something our dad left with me. He was so set in his routine and he knew himself so well it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of him. My siblings and I are very much like him that way. We just, do what we have to do, and that’s that. It’s refreshing, honestly. It won’t be this way forever and it’s just a season. Besides, I can sense a shift in energy and I know things will be looking up for me soon.
As much as I miss him, I give thanks I ever had a father to miss. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a father who is truly invested in their lives. My siblings and I definitely had a dad who was active, involved and present, and we are better for it. I don’t say that to say we are better than anyone else, nor do we think that way. I say it to acknowledge who our dad was and how much he impacted our lives while he was here as well as the legacy he left us, that we carry on. We are all living our lives as we were raised to do, and we definitely stick together no matter where in the world we are. I really mean it when I say we’re like a braid of three different colored strands, woven together. Stronger together and different, but unified. They are two of the greatest gifts of my life! I’m really proud of us and I know our dad would be so proud of us! That’s what keeps me going.
I’m still working through my grief (it’s not a linear process nor is there a timeline) because I didn’t focus much on my feelings, since I knew I had to handle my business and finish school. Haha just typing that made me hear my dad saying, “handle your business!” This is the first year since my stroke I’m not working or in school, and I have all this time to actually work through these tough emotions. It’s not easy or pretty, but it’s real and because I’m me, I’m going to be honest! It never gets easier, I think I just learn how to manage it better as time goes by. Having some close friends who also lost their dads in their 20s, as well as therapy and a strong support system has helped. I’m very thankful for everyone who has supported my siblings and me throughout the passing of our dad! It means so much to us.
I am a very sentimental person, so pictures mean a lot to me. These pictures are some of my favorites from over the years.
100% a daddy’s girl from the beginning! :)
February 14, 2015. The last picture of our dad. This was so funny because our cousins were visiting from D.C. (whom we hadn’t seen in years at that point) and my dad did not believe me they were coming to see us.
He thought I was joking and told me “Man, Rob, don’t play with me!” I tried to tell him I was serious and just to wait and see, but since he had to go to work that night, he told me to leave him alone and let him rest. Haha I just said “okay dad, you’ll see,” and walked out of his room. He was so happy and surprised when they showed up! I’ll never forget it! :)One of the verses we had at our dad’s memorial. When we thought of the life he lived and a verse that might capsulize what our dad lived for, this is the one. It’s also why I chose “do good, live well” for my graduation cap. That’s essentially how we were raised by our parents, and was our dad’s main goal to teach us.I shared this photo on Instagram on Father’s Day 2015 with the caption: “The urn in which my father’s body now resides. Part of his spirit lives on through me and my siblings, and all of the lessons he gave us. Gone but never forgotten.” Just showing my cremain (urn necklace) jewelry on my dad’s birthday, 2018. I wear the necklace when I want to feel closer to him and/or take him with me. I chose the infinity because it looks like the number eight, which was his birth month and date, and he gave me love that will live on forever.These two! Oh, how I love them so much! The three of us are so different but also so much alike. I like to say we’re like a braid of three different colored strands, entwined together. I have no idea what we were laughing at, but it had to be something funny. It was probably something Kevin said and Kayla just happened to get the right moment.
I give thanks for them every single day and I’m grateful I’ve had them to walk through this journey together.
Life is so fragile and strange, but it is also beautiful. I have to rest in that knowledge and live with that belief everyday, regardless of what’s going on around me. I have to find it within myself to keep going, regardless of what’s happening without. I was raised very well and I choose to live like it. So much has changed, so much lost, but also so much gained. I give thanks for perspective and eyes that still see the good. Our dad gave us that ability and it’s a gift in life. For this, I will forever give thanks for the gift our my father, even though he’s gone Home.
May he continue to race in peace.
If you knew our dad, you know he loved Tupac. Right as I typed the last sentence, “you are appreciated” started playing on my phone. Haha what a sign! I’m listening, and I give thanks! KARs will always be appreciated. :)
It’s no flu year, as I had leading into 2014, but I have been in hiding for days now because I’m sick.
It all began early Friday morning when I woke up with a tickle in my throat and the globus sensation (feeling that there’s a lump in the throat) causing me to clear my throat. I didn’t think much of it because I already had my flu shot in October, I hadn’t been feeling rundown or ill at all, so I just shrugged it off. As I eased into my day, I noticed some tightness in my chest and wheezing. I am an asthmatic, but it’s improved much over the years that I don’t really get too concerned about it unless I feel something is settling into my lungs. I thought about how much my siblings have been coughing and feeling ill, but if they had already been sick for over a week, and I still hadn’t caught it, I was good to go, right? Wrong! By Saturday morning I was coughing non stop with a productive cough, getting body aches, terrible headache and feeling exhausted in spite of the fact I hadn’t left bed much. I continued to feel the tightness in my chest, so I did some home remedies to try and ease whatever it could be and went to bed with plans of going to church on Sunday. That didn’t happen though. I woke up late, felt terrible, and decided I need to kick this ASAP so I took myself to the doctor. I went to the clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given a prescription for antibiotics and a nasal spray. I took it upon myself to buy a probiotic and yogurt to eat just to help restore any good bacteria that the antibiotic will kill off. I also bought several liters of water, tissues with lotion, and soup because everyone knows soup is a cure-all when you’re under the weather! I already had honey at home, so I’ve been drinking big cups of hot tea with honey to help ease the pain.
Anyway, a friend and I were conversing this morning, when I had asked him about his birthday yesterday and checked on his knee because I know it’s been giving him trouble the past few weeks. Told him to just take it easy as he works his way back into the gym for leg day tomorrow. We continued to discuss workouts, and I told him how much I’ve been coughing and how sore it’s made my abdominal muscles. “The past 3 days and now heading into 4 have been ‘ab day’ for me haha. Cough, cough, cough! I coughed so much last night too, my abdominals HURT!'” He replied, “You must have a six pack then. Lol jk!” I had to laugh, though, because I immediately replied “Haha I probably do have a six pack! Sick pack!” Hahaha. Seriously, my abdominal muscles hurt so badly from the incessant coughing that I feel like I’ve been doing core workouts for days! Have to find some humor in it. It makes things easier to deal with. :)
I haven’t done much of anything this Christmas/Winter break and have spent many days battling barometric pressure induced migraines, but I adopted a mantra for the year anyway, and it’s this:
Gotta think positive! Every day is a new day and grants you a new opportunity to rise above. You choose!!
So, to do something I actually want to do before I begin a new semester, I had mapped out a plan to take a trip to Houston to visit my best friend and her little family. I had wanted to leave this Thursday, the 8th, but thanks to this sinus infection, my plans are a bit stalled at the moment. She had her and her husband’s first child on December 20, and I haven’t been able to meet my nephew (by heart, not blood) yet, so I need to be a good “aunt Ro” and go. However, I refuse to infect a newborn (or his family) with whatever I have going on with me, so I’m erring on the side of caution and waiting to see how I feel by the end of the week before I make a definitive decision. I want to see my best friend and get my hands on my sweet nephew so badly, but I want them healthy more than I “need” my plans to go my way. We shall see, cards aren’t completely off the table, but I’m thinking of what’s in everyone’s best interest. I’ve been resting a lot, staying hydrated, and making sure I’m properly medicating myself. Using non medicinal treatments (hot compresses for my ears and body aches, ice packs for the headaches, hot showers to help clear sinuses, spicy and hot foods/drinks) where I can! Just gotta roll with the punches.
Aside from this, I’m tying up the final loose ends on my school to do list before the semester begins on January 20! Hoping to be totally done with that (and books purchased) by the end of the week so that if I do end up going to Houston, I’ll have nothing to do for a few days before school once I return home. I hate being rushed or feeling frantic, and since living this “new normal,” I need time more than anything to just relax and get my mind right. Since having acquired this brain injury, I have to be calm and focused so that I can think clearly about what’s ahead of me and what it means for an academic pursuit. Long gone are the days where I can just get up and go, not really thinking but just doing school (or anything, really) without forethought and rest to ease into the atmosphere. I don’t think most people understand that, but trust me, it’s best for me (and everyone) if I take that time off to just do nothing except be, because it’s preparing my mind and strengthening my resolve to accomplish what is ahead of me. Like a child clings to a comforting object, or an athlete in training for a game/race ahead of them, is my rest to me and my brain before I begin something new, especially when it requires vast mental energy. I get my “game face” on, get focused, in my zone, and just prepare myself to conquer. I find comfort in the quiet and stillness, and it really helps me to just be still. Give thanks to God for all that I have, let my spirit be refreshed, and positive self talk. “I can, I will.” “I have come too far to quit now.” “It will be challenging, but you only lose when you give up, so try.” “He left you here to do more than just exist.” Yes I have a brain injury and I’m different now, but it doesn’t define me.I don’t let it. I was Robin before, and I’m Robin now, just “an edition” as my brother said last night. He’s right. Same Robin, different edition because of an addition. Haha!! I just work with what I have and do what I can. Self awareness has been good to me, indeed! There are adjustments I have made. probably more to be made, and it’s been a remarkable nearly 3 years (in February) since I began this “new normal,” but I’d say I’ve handled it quite well given the circumstances.
Today is the best I’ve felt since I started feeling unwell on Friday, so I got up and got some work done from home! Bills are paid for the month as of today, and laundry is in the works. Even though I’m under the weather, I still handle my business. I’m proud of me for that and still taking matters into my own hands. I’m just grateful and blessed to be able to have the finances to do what I need to do, and most of what I want to do. That’s definitely a good start to the new year. Can’t complain about that! Just gonna focus on ridding myself of this illness, and hopefully making the trip I want to make. Then I’m gonna begin Spring 2015 semester ready to go! Let’s get it! :)
Hope that you’re all feeling (and doing) well, wherever you are! Of course, as always, remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!
Read this quote and loved it! It’s a perfect reminder to just keep going!
At the end of Spring 2014 semester, I felt accomplished, but a piece of me also felt let down. Yes, I went back to school and I really sought to learn. I sought to do more than just memorize, I wanted to learn new information, retain it and be able to recall it. I attended classes, I attended labs, I did projects, I studied, I passed tests, I failed tests. I was tired, but I still got up and went. I had awful barometric pressure headaches, which led to concentration and focus issues, and memory lapses. I still fought through it. In the end, though, I let myself down because I didn’t reach the goals I had set out for myself. Also because of the standards set for me by the people who are walking through this journey with me, I felt as though I let them down, and that is the last thing I want to do. There is nothing more I hate than disappointing myself or having someone disappointed in me, and there is no one who is more difficult on me than I am.
So what was the solution? First, I was absolutely exhausted. Mentally drained and stressed because I needed to revise the game plan. The number one item on my itinerary was crossing graduate May 2017 off of the list. Did I want to do that? Absolutely not. Did I need to do that? Absolutely! I remember sitting in the parking lot outside of my advisor’s office and I thought “Robin, get over yourself. You wanted this, but you also need to learn to make adjustments. Remember when you began this journey last September? What did you promise yourself? Now hold true to that. You hate when people lie to you, so don’t lie to yourself. You can do this, so get up and do it.”
That was it for me. I went to meet with my advisor, and together we revised my schedule. I chose to take one less class so that I could gain better footing on “how to college,” and give myself adequate time to adjust to this new season. I honestly did too much too quickly in my first semester back to the world of academia. A 6 year break in school wouldn’t be kind to many people, and that holds doubly so for someone with a brain injury mostly manifesting itself in cognitive deficits. I know I write well, but that’s also not the area of my brain that is most damaged. Brain injury is such a strange adventure because often, you can’t even tell that there’s anything “wrong” until you’re in a certain situation. I recall plenty of times I’d be right in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was trying to say. Or I’d have studied information for a test and knew it like the back of my hand, then get to the actual test, allow anxiety to overtake me, and end up doing subpar.
That was not okay with me. I am of the mindset that if I’m not going to make the best of what I have and apply 100% (and then some) of myself, then I may as well just stop doing what I’m doing. There is no reason for me to waste my time, money, energy or anyone else’s. I know God did not leave me here to just “maybe” do well and be well. He left me here in as great of condition as He did (all things considered) to really embrace what I’m capable of, and I knew I was capable of more than what I ended up with at the end of the semester.
After working with my advisor and vocational rehabilitation counselor, we all agreed on a new plan for the next few semesters and I am very happy to report that it worked! I saw my neurologist in October as well and I am still seizure free, praise God! I still have some scary moments where I have what I believe are seizure auras, but they stop there. I still experience severe migraines due to the barometric pressure, but something has changed. I believe with a bit less stress on my mind, I’m better equipped to deal with physical pain. I chose to go to school every day (M-F) and take all 8 AM classes when my mind was fresh, that made a huge difference, as did taking all my classes traditionally, face to face lectures. I still made it a point to sit in the front or as close to the front and center as possible, and I took very, very detailed notes. I stepped up, took initiative and really pushed myself to stay disciplined with studying, reaching out for clarification to help myself grasp concepts, and in constant contact with my professors, neuro team, advisor, and counselors. I am proud of me!
After final grades, I raised my GPA up to a 3.3 and a 3.0 cumulative. I only plan on going up from here!I am proud of me, and I am really looking forward to next semester and beyond. I have no doubts now that I can do this college thing, and Fall 2014 proved it to me. Yes, because my program of study is only offered once a year, I delayed my graduation by a year, but that’s okay. The goal is to finish strong, not necessarily quickly. I know I couldn’t keep going the pace at which I began, so I slowed down my run to a steady jog and I’m going to keep running this race until I reach that finish line. Let’s do this!
Hope all is well with you, wherever you are! I will be have to write more while I’m out on break. I just had to prioritize differently this semester, and that’s why there’s been such a gap in my writing. All is well though, just taking things one day at a time and still loving life. I am blessed, indeed!
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart (from the four of us), thank you so much for raising us. You didn’t just let us grow up, you raised us. You invested into us, loved us, corrected us, and redirected us. You allowed us each the space to be exactly who we are, but also set a foundation of core values that have sustained us and are more apparent to me now that I’m older and grasping just how different people are.
I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks on society, lack of morality and values, and the differences between people who grow up and people who are raised. Truthfully, the general public has made me question a lot and I made the connection that it all starts at home. I have said it in my mind so many times, but the dissolution of family is an atrocity. I believe that wholeheartedly. Family can look differently, but it’s very important to have a parent (or parents) who really do nourish their child(ren). Now more than ever in a society that seems to have its moral fibers barely stitched together by a thread, it is vital to make sure you’re parenting well.
It’s one thing to tell a person what to do, but an entirely different thing to shape them into who they are. Of course it’s up to the person to do what he/she wants to do, but when you build them into someone, they tend to carry that identity wherever they go.
You both did your part in weaving our moral fibers and now we are so well stitched together that it carries over into every aspect of our lives. Mom, you made sure that we were in church from the time we were very little and that opened our young eyes and hearts to the faith that has carried me several times. Thank you! Dad, you may not have taken us to church, but you have instilled plenty of wisdom through your one-liners that still echo in my head and I’m nearly 27! Haha. I will never forget them! Thank you!
“Stand for something, or fall for anything.”
“Don’t do wrong and expect things to work out right.” “Make good choices.” “Don’t start it, don’t take it.” “Watch what’s going on around you.” “Stand for something, even if you stand alone.”
You are both of different temperaments, but you also have both somehow passed on the “feeler” gene. I don’t even know how to put it into words, but it’s that gut feeling that is so strong in all four of us. Highly intuitive, I guess. We “just know.” We are all four different personalities and beings as your children, but we all “just know,” and it’s usually accurate. It’s so weird, but I love it and I love knowing that I can go to my parents and siblings with something or someone and they too can be honest with their thoughts/feelings on a situation so that I know it’s not just me jumping to a premature conclusion. This feeling has saved me from several situations that could have gone terribly wrong and every time I have doubted it, I have paid for it. I have learned now to just trust the feeling in my spirit because it’s there for a reason.
I know that it wasn’t always easy to raise two boys and two girls, I know I had plenty of medical issues as a child (and even as I’ve grown up) that would stress y’all out, I know we weren’t always the most well-behaved or that we didn’t always give you the respect you deserve, but I definitely know that I am so grateful for your parenting skills. So grateful, so blessed to have parents who really do care, really do invest, and still look out for our well-being and best interests although we’re all young adults now. I’m by no means saying we are perfect people, because we are all flawed, but you each gave us a pretty good start on how to live a good life just by being a good person overall.
Thank you for allowing each of us to develop our individual selves but also making sure we stay true to who we are, who we were raised to be, who we are called to be, and who we can become. I have watched too many people try to be too many people (because they don’t know who they are) and they lose grasp and sight of who they truly are. That’s a surefire way to end up compromising yourself for a pseudo existence. I don’t want that, and I’m glad you never encouraged that. We were raised in a house that was very persistent on knowing who you are and not apologizing for being true to ourselves. That matters. A lot. You taught us to love well and accept all people, but not to depend on them for validation or definition of self. Who I am is not dependent on who’s around me, where I am, but what’s within me. Thank you!!! Emotional security is more important now than ever as I’m still recovering, still fighting my neurological battle, still learning this “new normal.” As a young woman in this world and time where everything seems to be constantly morphing, it means everything to me to have a core that is well-developed so that even though everything I know, thought I knew, lost, gained, I am secure enough to know who I am and not change. I have you both to thank for that!
We did not have a perfect childhood or perfect family, but we do have love, authenticity, honesty, faith, laughter, a solid foundation, and that is something that I wish to pass on to my own family, should I be blessed with my own someday. Our home was filled with an interesting blend and balance of honesty and sensitivity. We may not have always seemed like we were listening, but we were absorbing everything and much of it has influenced who I am today.
Thank you for not giving us everything we wanted, but much of it. Thank you for giving us the things that we need, and something that actually lasts an entire lifetime, by giving us a good foundation. Thank you for both being in our lives, day in and day out, in the same household. You taught us to be kind but be honest, use manners, treat people the way you want to be treated, work hard but know when to rest, gain knowledge, be sensitive but strong, love well. We learned by watching you, thank you for the examples.
Thank you so much, dad and mom. You are both awesome people and I love you both so much!!!
When you enter this world, you are given a name, and when you leave this world, you take your name with you. I hope we all carry our names as well as you have trained us to. I love you, thank you.
Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life. It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively. Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!
Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance. It only reinforced that He is still here with me. The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU. I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today. They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again. One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.
Rachel held my journal and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. I couldn’t physically speak because I was intubated, but somehow between all of the medical intervention and medication, I was lucid enough to tell her what I knew in my spirit and soul. Praise God!!! In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.” Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!
I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal. This journey has just been remarkable. So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey. I am blessed to be able to walk it. I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that. Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.
I just see life differently now. I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me. Whatever You need to do, use me. Please.” I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears. As I said before, I am not the crying type. Tears are serious business ’round these parts! Haha :) But I meant it! I still mean it today, and He has been using me. The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy. I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.
I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally overnight. I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly. I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming. My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.” I didn’t want to hear that! I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area. I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately. When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream. “Are you kidding me? This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life? Why would You allow that, God? I thought You wanted good for me? How is this good?”
But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me. He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before. I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time. I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him. I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me. Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat. I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle. He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support. You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind. I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything. He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!
I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do. I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is. I cherish life. I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me. Romans 12:2 reads (NIV) “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I claim this verse often. Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind. I praise God!
I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life. I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it. Thank you all for joining me on this journey.
Just a solid reminder of how I have to do life now, and it encourages me to keep going forward!
As I approach my two year blog-iversary and near 2 1/2 years post stroke/ruptured brain aneurysm survivor, I find myself looking back on this journey. How have I handled what’s been given to me? I would have never imagined that this could have happened to me, or that I’d be someone with a brain injury. It’s just not something you plan on when you think about your life path or future. Yet, it’s what I deal with everyday. I try to choose how I’ll tackle the day, and I try to choose to do it with a heart of gratitude that I’m even here and doing as well as I am, all things considered. It’s not an easy choice, but it makes the days go by easier when I have a positive outlook. A new epiphany has arisen from this experience… If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.
I have been dealing with way too many migraines the past few weeks. In fact, I had a neurologist appointment last Friday to discuss where to go from here, and have began a new medication to try and reduce the number and severity of migraines. I am hoping this is a good start so that I can be focused in time for school to begin this August. As for my first semester back since 2008, I finished up on May 7 and I had somewhat of a mental collapse. Nothing happened to me physically, I just felt like I finished a mental marathon (which, really, I had) and passed out at the finish line! Pursuing higher education with a brain injury is truly equivalent to running a race with an injured leg. There’s no other way to cross that finish line, but to push through and give it all you’ve got. I made it through the semester, but I really don’t think it should have been that hard. I had a lot of migraines and coupled with my perfectionist attitude and determination to get through, it was probably too much at once.
I took 13 hours and I have decided to cut back a bit just because the cycle of “have to make perfect grades” causing me a migraine, which made me tired, which made my memory suffer even more from lack of sleep is just not something I wish to repeat semester after semester. Yes, this will set me back a year in my program, but that’s okay. If I want to reach the ultimate goal (obtaining my BSRT) then I have to pace myself. That’s how I’m handling it. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need to do.
It’s just honestly so easy to get caught on the “complain train” as I call it. That part of the journey where something else happens and you just get so down, you just want to complain and cry. I have experienced (still, 2+ years later) many “down days” where I just get mad at God for leaving me here. Why would He just leave me here if I’m only going to feel so bad some days? Doesn’t He care? What is the point? I can’t be happy, I won’t be my usually smiling self, I’ll be even more introverted than I already am because I just don’t feel like being around anyone when my skull feels like it’s closing as my brain is trying to expand, at the same time. Yes, that’s how my migraines feel. I can’t even think straight, I get lightheaded, and I sometimes end up crying. Those who know me best know that I do not cry. I am not the crying type. If I’m crying, something is either very right or very wrong. Many times this year, I have had those crying days where I’m so tired, frustrated, head is raging in pain and I just ask Him to please be with me. He has continued to show Himself to me throughout this journey and it’s really remarkable.
This isn’t even about me, it’s about Him and how He is able to work. I am merely a vessel. Don’t know why He chose me, or chose this path for me, but I trust Him. He hasn’t failed me yet.
When I look back through pictures, journals, and well wishes from those weeks in the hospital, I’m just reminded of how faithful He has been. Through everything, and I feel guilty for complaining. He never said we wouldn’t have struggles, He said He would never leave us. I just ask for the strength and grace to suffer well. He knows it’s not easy, He sees my heart and already knows every turn my life will take before I can even comprehend what’s currently happening. I just have to trust Him in the process.
Absolutely love this song! It’s Desert Song by Hillsong
I have had a moment of clarity tonight and just wanted to write a little something since it’s been so long since I’ve written a “real” blog. I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying my best to stay on the up side, and keep healthy. I hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!
Just making it known that I’m still here, I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write. It takes a certain mindset for me, and I’m not “there” right now. Hopefully soon, though. There is much to blog about since finishing my first semester back to school and diving into Summer.
In the meantime, however, I do want to “say” that I love looking at the analytics of my blog and seeing viewers from all over the world. That’s so awesome to me! I’m glad that y’all can come here and feel like you can relate.
The blog that receives the most attention is still “This One is For Us” and I don’t mind that at all. In fact, I want to make it known that I don’t care if you share that blog somewhere or print it out to share with someone who may need it, just make sure it’s credited to me since it is my original piece, thoughts, and story. I am very grateful to be able to impact others as I know how murky the waters of brain injury are, and it just helps to have a little light out there. I get it.
That’s why I write. It helps me heal, but it also gives a voice to others and for others.
Perhaps that’s part of the reason why He left me here with my language/speech center (left temporal lobe) still intact, is because He knew writing is my catharsis and that I’m also the open to sharing type. He knew I would be able to be a voice. God has surely blessed me. :)
I’ll come back sometime soon-ish and write! Just wanted to drop a little something since it has been months.
Hope you are doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are.
Always remember, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)
As I sit here in a quiet house, the air conditioner is blowing, it’s dark in my room, and I have Ulysees (Justin Nozuka’s newest and most mellow, relaxing album) playing, I find myself in a reflective frame of mind.
Yesterday, I battled with a migraine that began on Saturday night as the storms approached. Barometric pressure headaches are still a prevalent force in my “new normal,” and they are still a (literal) pain to deal with, because nearly nothing works to stop the pain. However, since my city is in a severe drought, I still gave thanks to the Provider of the rain. We are in desperate need and that is no exaggeration. I stayed home from church, which isn’t what I wanted to do, but it’s what I felt best to do. I know my tolerance levels and different “types” of headaches. For this kind of headache (which seems like an understatement), it is best for me to be as mellow as possible. Very little light, very little noise, very little motion. So that’s what I did, and I still gave Him thanks for the rain, still reflected on what He’s done, who He is, and how He works in my life.
Then it hit me.
“I go back to school tomorrow, then there are just about two weeks of class before our finals. That’s so awesome!” But wait, this will be the first time I’ve taken a final since May 2008 which is the last time I was a student in a traditional classroom setting. I consider myself forever a student of life. :) Anyway, I started thinking about where this school journey began. It was because of my seizure last year that I had to go see my neurologist, who then pointed me to the agency where I see my vocational counselor, who sent me for testing and we determined I would go back to school, where I am now studying for my bachelors of science in radiologic technology. No seizure, no school. Pretty much, that’s the story I would be telling. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go back to school, it’s that I had no idea where to start or if I even could. Hours and hours of neuropsychological testing, paperwork, several appointments and inventories over a period of 9 months led me to where I am today. The neuropsych test results showed areas of deficits, but I do not have a learning disability. I thought “okay, I can do this. I’ll do this.” I had to do all of the typical college student admissions process, transfer in my credits from previous schooling, financial aid… You know, all of that. It was frustrating because I am honestly type A when it comes to “work stuff.” Everything is on a schedule, I ask for clarification over and over again because I don’t want to mess up anything or delay anything. I was that way before my aneurysm, and I’m even more like that now because it helps me stay on track. My vocational counselor has been so incredibly encouraging and calming throughout everything, as have my closest friends who have offered their input and support. I remember the early days of “if I go to school, what will I study? What do you see me doing?” texts and phone calls to my friends and family. I freaked out, I prayed, and then I chose the option that showed up in 3 areas of my career profile: radiographer.
The morning of the day I had the seizure (that afternoon), I posted a screen shot of the verse of the day from my Bible app. This was well before I had the seizure, and it continues to shape the path I’m traveling. The scripture is Proverbs 19:21 which reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” I’ll tell ya what, my plans for that day were not to have a grand mal seizure, spend the afternoon in the ER, have to deal with the emotional backlash of “If I left the house like I had planned, I could’ve killed us/someone else on the highway,” or the state of being postictal. Not my plans at all, but maybe that event was part of His plans for me. I’m not saying God said “I want Robin to have a seizure today,” but I am saying (once again) that He can use whatever he wants to steer me in another direction. In ICU in 2012, I did tell Him “However You want to use me, please do it. Thank You for this chance to live again, my life is Yours.” Don’t pray about something if you don’t mean it. He surely will use it!!!
He has been using all of this to shape me, and it’s a grueling but incredible experience. I look back and see so much progress that I really can’t even believe. I just wish I could’ve taken a photograph of my mind early 2012, vs now. The differences would be stark in contrast to say the least. I still have my “down days,” but I am also still hopeful everyday. It isn’t easy to maintain a mindset of positivity, but it makes the road less challenging to travel! The mind and body are interconnected and I have zero doubts of that, now more than ever.
My deficits show themselves in the world of academia, much more clearly than anywhere else. Even when I was working, I didn’t notice them as much as I do around class. It probably has something to do with the types of classes I’m taking this semester, as well as it “only” being two years since the stroke/surgery, first time in school in 5 1/2 years, and still healing. To compensate, I keep a very structured planner, it’s color coded (as are all of my classes) and I try to keep my sleep schedule as close to the same time every night as is possible. I stay in touch with my professors whether I see them in a traditional setting or an online class, I seek out extra help if I’m not understanding, and I have done a lot of “letting it go.” I have to just realize that things aren’t the same as they were before, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what’s required of me. I can, it just has to be done differently now and I have to show myself patience, persistence, and positivity. I realize that I’m taking a massive leap by even attempting this, but I know my spirit, and it’s not one that backs away from a challenge. I was born fighting (for my life, at 24 weeks gestation) and I know I will live and die just the same way. That’s okay! It matters to be persistent and consistent, just like it matters to know when to push and when to back away. I’m learning how this all works. I’m getting brexercise (brain exercise) and acquiring new knowledge both in and out of the classroom everyday. I am grateful!
I’m just really in awe of all that’s transpired since February 2012. It’s really remarkable. I go back through pictures and the journals I kept in those early days, and it motivates me to keep pushing. If those were the worst days, surely I can continue through the tough days I have now. Surely the friends who have managed to still be here for me will still help me through, and I know my family will support me. It will all be okay! I can’t (and won’t) ever stop thanking Him for this opportunity, or asking Him to keep leading my way, because if this isn’t what He wants for me, I don’t want it either. :)
I know I’ll probably reach a point of information overload while studying for finals (I’m in 5 classes and 1 lab–full schedule for real), but I also know that my strict scheduling/organization towards school will help me through. I know that still thanking Him, seeking Him, and believing His word “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is true will carry me through. I’m gonna give it my best shot! No doubt about it!
Just felt like writing this afternoon.
Hope you’re all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are! If you’re going through something, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!
Sometimes I will just wake up heavy hearted with something. This morning, Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 6:34, and Isaiah 55:8-9 have been on my heart. They read like this (in NIV):
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
If you have been reading this blog long enough, you know that I love music. I love words, I love books, and I love music. If a song has substance to the lyrics, I am all over it! This song by Hillsong United just reminds me to keep pressing on.
Honestly, I struggle with trusting God with the ways in which my life develops. That just reminded me of this song, so I have to share it too before I can go on with what I want to “say.”
Anyway, I really just need periods of deep reflection during this time of recovery, challenge, and struggle to just remember what He has done for me. God has been better to me than I really even deserve, honestly. Good music helps me get into that Truth Time with Him where I just thank Him for all He’s done, all that He’s doing, and all He will continue to do.
I don’t understand why my life has taken the turns it has, but maybe I don’t need to understand. Maybe life isn’t about having an answer for everything, but it is about knowing Who holds your life and best interest at heart.
I would have never guessed I’d have a brain injury, nor would I have asked for one, but it has awarded me so many opportunities to reach out to others “like me.” I have written a blog that made its way to The Brain Aneurysm Foundation, I have made survivor friends all over the world, my Facebook inbox has been filled with messages of “thank you,” “you are so strong,” “you give me hope,” and things of the sort. It’s really incredible. I wouldn’t have that opportunity if I did not have this experience.
Last night, a friend of mine called me and told me that he watched The Crash Reel and that I should really look into it. He said it opened his eyes, gave him insight into the world of brain injury, and knowing that I’ve had my own experience with a brain injury, I would really like it. I actually can’t wait to see it, just as soon as I can find out when it’s playing. I think it’s awesome that Kevin Pearce is sharing his story, unashamedly. He suffered a TBI as a result of a snowboarding accident. I know for certain that it’s easy to feel so isolated, so different, and so alone when you acquire a brain injury. I am thankful for people like him who speak out. :)
I get weary sometimes, but I am still fighting. I have to stay strong, because my work here is not finished. :)
Hope that you are doing (and feeling) well wherever you are, and keep the faith, keep the fight!!
Faith, by fire. 