Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life. It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively. Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!
Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance. It only reinforced that He is still here with me. The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU. I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today. They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again. One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.
In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.”
Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!
I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal. This journey has just been remarkable. So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey. I am blessed to be able to walk it. I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that. Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.
I just see life differently now. I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me. Whatever You need to do, use me. Please.” I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears. As I said before, I am not the crying type. Tears are serious business ’round these parts! Haha :) But I meant it! I still mean it today, and He has been using me. The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy. I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.
I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally overnight. I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly. I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming. My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.” I didn’t want to hear that! I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area. I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately. When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream. “Are you kidding me? This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life? Why would You allow that, God? I thought You wanted good for me? How is this good?”
But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me. He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before. I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time. I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him. I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me. Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat. I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle. He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support. You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind. I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything. He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!
I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do. I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is. I cherish life. I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me. Romans 12:2 reads (NIV) “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I claim this verse often. Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind. I praise God!
I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life. I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it. Thank you all for joining me on this journey.
As always, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)
Faith, by fire. 