Gratitude.

Dear dad and mom,

Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart (from the four of us), thank you so much for raising us.  You didn’t just let us grow up, you raised us.  You invested into us, loved us, corrected us, and redirected us.  You allowed us each the space to be exactly who we are, but also set a foundation of core values that have sustained us and are more apparent to me now that I’m older and grasping just how different people are.

I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks on society, lack of morality and values, and the differences between people who grow up and people who are raised.  Truthfully, the general public has made me question a lot and I made the connection that it all starts at home.  I have said it in my mind so many times, but the dissolution of family is an atrocity.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  Family can look differently, but it’s very important to have a parent (or parents) who really do nourish their child(ren).  Now more than ever in a society that seems to have its moral fibers barely stitched together by a thread, it is vital to make sure you’re parenting well.

It’s one thing to tell a person what to do, but an entirely different thing to shape them into who they are.  Of course it’s up to the person to do what he/she wants to do, but when you build them into someone, they tend to carry that identity wherever they go.

 You both did your part in weaving our moral fibers and now we are so well stitched together that it carries over into every aspect of our lives.  Mom, you made sure that we were in church from the time we were very little and that opened our young eyes and hearts to the faith that has carried me several times.  Thank you!  Dad, you may not have taken us to church, but you have instilled plenty of wisdom through your one-liners that still echo in my head and I’m nearly 27! Haha.  I will never forget them!  Thank you!

“Stand for something, or fall for anything.”
“Don’t do wrong and expect things to work out right.”
“Make good choices.”
“Don’t start it, don’t take it.”
“Watch what’s going on around you.”
“Stand for something, even if you stand alone.”

You are both of different temperaments, but you also have both somehow passed on the “feeler” gene.  I don’t even know how to put it into words, but it’s that gut feeling that is so strong in all four of us.  Highly intuitive, I guess. We “just know.”  We are all four different personalities and beings as your children, but we all “just know,” and it’s usually accurate.  It’s so weird, but I love it and I love knowing that I can go to my parents and siblings with something or someone and they too can be honest with their thoughts/feelings on a situation so that I know it’s not just me jumping to a premature conclusion.  This feeling has saved me from several situations that could have gone terribly wrong and every time I have doubted it, I have paid for it.  I have learned now to just trust the feeling in my spirit because it’s there for a reason.

I know that it wasn’t always easy to raise two boys and two girls, I know I had plenty of medical issues as a child (and even as I’ve grown up) that would stress y’all out, I know we weren’t always the most well-behaved or that we didn’t always give you the respect you deserve, but I definitely know that I am so grateful for your parenting skills.  So grateful, so blessed to have parents who really do care, really do invest, and still look out for our well-being and best interests although we’re all young adults now.  I’m by no means saying we are perfect people, because we are all flawed, but you each gave us a pretty good start on how to live a good life just by being a good person overall.

Thank you for allowing each of us to develop our individual selves but also making sure we stay true to who we are, who we were raised to be, who we are called to be, and who we can become.  I have watched too many people try to be too many people (because they don’t know who they are) and they lose grasp and sight of who they truly are.  That’s a surefire way to end up compromising yourself for a pseudo existence.  I don’t want that, and I’m glad you never encouraged that.  We were raised in a house that was very persistent on knowing who you are and not apologizing for being true to ourselves.  That matters.  A lot.  You taught us to love well and accept all people, but not to depend on them for validation or definition of self.  Who I am is not dependent on who’s around me, where I am, but what’s within me. Thank you!!!  Emotional security is more important now than ever as I’m still recovering, still fighting my neurological battle, still learning this “new normal.”  As a young woman in this world and time where everything seems to be constantly morphing, it means everything to me to have a core that is well-developed so that even though everything I know, thought I knew, lost, gained, I am secure enough to know who I am and not change.  I have you both to thank for that!

We did not have a perfect childhood or perfect family, but we do have love, authenticity, honesty, faith, laughter, a solid foundation, and that is something that I wish to pass on to my own family, should I be blessed with my own someday. Our home was filled with an interesting blend and balance of honesty and sensitivity.  We may not have always seemed like we were listening, but we were absorbing everything and much of it has influenced who I am today.

Thank you for not giving us everything we wanted, but much of it.  Thank you for giving us the things that we need, and something that actually lasts an entire lifetime, by giving us a good foundation.  Thank you for both being in our lives, day in and day out, in the same household.  You taught us to be kind but be honest, use manners, treat people the way you want to be treated, work hard but know when to rest, gain knowledge, be sensitive but strong, love well.  We learned by watching you, thank you for the examples.

Thank you so much, dad and mom.  You are both awesome people and I love you both so much!!!  

When you enter this world, you are given a name, and when you leave this world, you take your name with you.  I hope we all carry our names as well as you have trained us to.  I love you, thank you.

-Robin

I have no words but these.

 

 

Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life.  It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively.  Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!

 

Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance.  It only reinforced that He is still here with me.  The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU.  I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today.  They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again.  One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.

 

Rachel held my journal and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. I couldn’t physically speak because I was intubated, but somehow between all of the medical intervention and medication, I was lucid enough to tell her what I knew in my spirit and soul. Praise God!!!
In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.”
Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!

 

I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal.  This journey has just been remarkable.  So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey.  I am blessed to be able to walk it.  I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that.  Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.

I just see life differently now.  I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me.  Whatever You need to do, use me.  Please.”  I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears.  As I said before, I am not the crying type.  Tears are serious business ’round these parts!  Haha :)  But I meant it!  I still mean it today, and He has been using me.   The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy.  I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.

 

I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally  overnight.  I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly.   I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming.  My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.”  I didn’t want to hear that!  I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area.  I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately.  When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream.  “Are you kidding me?  This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life?  Why would You allow that, God?  I thought You wanted good for me?  How is this good?”

 

But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me.  He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before.  I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time.  I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him.  I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me.  Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat.  I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle.  He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support.  You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind.  I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything.  He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!

 

I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do.  I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is.  I cherish life.  I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me.  Romans 12:2 reads (NIV)  “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  I claim this verse often.  Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind.  I praise God!

I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used  His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life.  I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it.  Thank you all for joining me on this journey.

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Little Love.

There’s a little girl who makes a big impact in my life.  I met her on August 1, 2009, and she has touched my heart ever since I first saw her.  We instantly bonded, and we are still pretty close.  She is not my child (I don’t have any children), and we are not blood related, but she calls me her aunt and I call her my niece. :)

Today, that girl is four years old.  Awww!  I don’t want her to be a grown up.  I just want her to stay little, innocent, and sweet forever!!  She is so funny, seriously.  She has a sassy side, but she’s extremely sweet.  She really does care about the people around her, and you just know that she’s going to grow up to have a huge heart.  I will see her tomorrow since I can’t make it to her birthday party tonight, but I am sure we will have a fun day tomorrow!  It’s a surprise, she doesn’t know that my sister and I are picking her up early from school to take her on a “date.”  It’ll be a blast.  My sister and my little love, two of my favorite ladies on the planet!

I used to nanny for her and that was a great experience.  She brought me a lot of smiles then, and the older she gets, the more fun we have.  She has a huge personality, but she also likes to stick to who she knows.  She’s funny when she dances, she cracks me up when she says crazy things that kids say, and I love when she just wants to be around me.  If I paint my nails, little love paints her nails.  The last time I had her, she asked me to change into a yellow shirt so I would look like her.  We went to the movies and she loved it.  When we got home, she instantly went to grab Finding Nemo and Lion King (because she always has to watch them when she’s over here) for us to watch.  We watched Nemo this time haha.  The next morning, she kept asking me “Robin, is it time to go to church?” I told her that we had to eat breakfast and get dressed first.  As soon as we finished breakfast, “Robin, is it time for church?”  I said “No, babe, we have to do your hair and put on your pretty dress.”  She also insisted on wearing her princess sunglasses I bought her the night before.  Hahahah.  She is so funny.

I love how she really listens to me, and how well behaved she is.  I love conversing with her, because she’s only 4, but she talks like a grown up.  I treat her like she’s a miniature adult, because I don’t think you have to baby kids.  She is a child and that’s good, but it’s important to treat them like the little humans they actually are so they develop good social skills.  She’s incredible!!!  She is beautiful, I love her curly hair and I love how much she loves me.  She has taught me so much about life, myself, what it takes to raise a child (I have a good idea haha), and hope in the past 4 years… I hope we are friends forever!

Happy fourth birthday, little love and I will probably show you this post tomorrow so that you can see yourself on the computer hahah!

 

Just a collage I made on my phone earlier this morning. These are just 9 of the many pictures I have of the two of us. :) The third picture in the middle row is my favorite, because that was her idea. Her reasoning was “Robin, what if we closed our eyes and put our thumbs up? Then people would laugh at us!” How can you say no to that?! :)

 

Random Musings.

I really don’t have much to say, except that today has been such a day of peace, acceptance, and love.

I am just so grateful for the people in my life.  A dear friend of mine, Michael and I shared some words this morning that were heartfelt and it just sent me on a mental journey of the love that’s been shown to me these past 17 months.  It’s really incredible to know how sacrificial, whole, non judgmental, authentic love feels.

God has really blessed me through the relationships I hold in my life.  I’m not referring to romantic relationships, haha, I have some incredibly solid friendships and a lot of them have turned into more familial relationships.  That’s so awesome.  I am really at peace internally, even though chaos surges on around me.  That’s how I know that I am actually as strong as people tell me I am when they compliment me.  There’s just an inner peace, and it can’t be shaken.

Life might not always feel good, but life is good, indeed.

I hope that y’all are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you may be!

Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

I’m not sure what to title this, so this will have to do!

“Plus, when you have God, you’re always happy.”

That was the reply one of my followers/someone I follow gave me on Twitter when I wrote him a direct message asking him if He was always happy.  Haha for real, this guy posts some of the most uplifting, bright, happy go lucky tweets of anyone that I follow.  I actually really appreciate people who also have bright spirits in this world.  It’s too easy to “go to the dark side.”  Anyway, naturally, his reply sparked a thought in my mind, and I told him I’d have to write a blog about it.

There’s a difference between joy and happiness.  In my opinion, happy is a state of mind.  It is temporary, and it is fleeting because it is dependent on circumstances.  To have happiness, every condition needs to be just right.  One inch too far to the left or the right, and your mood comes crashing down.  Joy is a state of heart. True joy is found in Christ, and it is permanent, regardless of the circumstances.  The circumstances may never be right, but you will have joy because your hope, peace, comfort, safety, and identity are found in Him.

He is the only One who is able to offer us what we truly need in this life.  As I’ve began a real-lationship with Him after nearly dying (again) earlier this year, I realized that in the end, He is all that matters.  Nothing I can acquire on this Earth can even begin to measure up to who He is, how He loves, what He has to offer.  I highly encourage people to seek Him when they feel like their life is missing something, or someone.  He is so often the missing ingredient when we’re trying to get our lives to taste “just right,” yet few actually seek Him out.

I’ve honestly always been the optimistic type, but this has been a year that could easily change that.  It’s literally been one thing after another since the middle of January.  I had a ruptured brain aneurysm on the night of February 4, 2012. As I’ve said before, I had no idea what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured.  Having emergency brain surgery, surviving a life threatening condition, trying to figure out “the new normal,” standing by friends as their loved ones have passed away (whether expected or unexpected, it still hurts), having to make some tough calls to make sure that I’m putting my health first, turning 25, realizing and accepting that my life is absolutely nothing like I’ve ever planned it to be, realizing and accepting that my life will be different but still a version of normal now, learning to live with a newfound, unexpected, mild acquired brain injury… Yeah, those are all events that have had the capacity to destroy my outlook.  “Why, how can you still manage to be happy?” is a question I hear very often from people who hear my story, and I have to say that I’m not always happy, but I am always filled with joy.  Why?  How?  Because!  I put God first in my life, now.  He’s no longer on the back burner, per se.  Just there if I need Him.  No, no, no.  He is here because I need Him, not if!

He created us to need Him!  He created us to turn to Him in all circumstances in life, even the things that we think He wouldn’t care the least about.  Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) reads “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  That verse has been instrumental in my recovery, because sometimes I feel ungrateful complaining about the (minor) deficits I do have, and the headaches I experience.  I think “you’re alive, Robin, stop complaining! It could be so much worse and here you are whining about a migraine.  Oh boo hoo, besides, God’s got better things to deal with than your silly little headache.  Tough it out!”  But clearly, I am able to take my migraines (fatigue, difficulties concentrating, and memory lapses haha) to Him, even if I could’ve suffered something much, much worse.

People have also asked me “So, you mean to tell me, you still love ‘a’ God who would make you so sick you almost died? What is wrong with you?”  Haha.  I have to somewhat laugh at this.  First of all, He did not make me sick, He allowed me to become sick.  God knows how to reach each of us, because He created all of us.  God knows that my mind is both my best friend and my worst enemy.  God knows that He had to cause something drastic in my body to get to my (soul) heart.  I’m not saying that everyone whose ever had a serious illness is the work of God trying to get to them, either.  I’m just saying that He customizes the ways He reaches us, depending on what He knows will get to us.  I’m just saying that in my particular case, I do believe that God allowed this to happen to reach me.  I’m just saying that yes, I do still love Him, praise Him, and seek Him because He proved the power of His love, even when He didn’t have to.  He showed me immense grace and mercy, because He’s giving me another chance, and this time I want nothing more than to live for Him, share Who He is with others, and have the chance to hear “well done, good and faithful servant!” when it is my final call Home. 

He proved the power of His love when, on the morning of surgery, I was able to write that I wasn’t scared because God is with me.  He proved the power of His love when the doctors, nurses, therapists and staff were able to treat me well.  He proved the power of His love when my family, my friends, and even strangers were pouring out precious time and energy to help get me back to “me.”  He proved His love when people would encourage me, remind me of who I am, love on me.  God works through many (and sometimes I find quite strange) ways.  Do I understand them?   No.  I can’t even begin to fathom how He works.  Isaiah 55:8-9, right there!  But I do know that I am entirely grateful, no matter what has had to be done for Him to accomplish His works.  Philippians 1:6 and Romans 8:28!  Those verses in bold just describe this year, this experience, this new life I’m living.  Romans 12:2 :)

So, all in all, even during my not so awesome days, I am joyful at heart because I know there’s a deeper reason for this.  I know it isn’t about me becoming sick, it isn’t about me nearly dying, it isn’t about me at all.  I’m merely a vessel He’s decided to use to display who He is, and I’m willing and able to speak about it.  I’m willing and able to share my test turned testimony.  I am unashamed, and I am completely thankful that He has given me the opportunity to be able to share His Truth.  It’s really awesome.  I was never a “bad” person (haha quite the opposite–considered ‘miss goody two shoes’ by most) before I became sick, but my heart wasn’t right.  God searches our hearts. See: Jeremiah 17:10.  We can do the most philanthropic, loving, kind, caring acts on this planet, but if our heart isn’t right, then we are not right.  I did good, but was my heart always good?  Were my motives always in the right place?  I can honestly say no, not always.

I got a good wake-up call, a solid reality check.  My ears, eyes, and heart are wide open.  I’m attentive, I’m listening, and I’m doing my best to live right, from the heart, every day that I am blessed to see.  That’s what joy is.  I’m not always happy, but my heart is always filled with joy. :)  He is giving me another chance, to make it right, when He surely did not have to.  The odds were totally against me, but He said “no” to a physical death, in exchange for a spiritual death and rebirth.  What’s not to find joyful about that?  Not everyone is so blessed, and plenty of people die everyday, having not had the chance to make it right.  As I say, as I’ve learned this year, “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!”  If you’re breathing, then you’re able to make it right in your heart with Him.  Confess your sins (He already knows, anyway), repent, and allow Him to work within you to change your life.  Well, the life He’s letting you borrow everyday.  We all belong to Him at the end of the day. :)  He’s a great caregiver.  Loving, kind, generous, and able.  Seek Him out, return to Him the (soul) heart He’s blessed you with, and live your life full of joy, regardless of whether or not you feel happy.  He’s able to provide.  I promise!  Besides, I can honestly say that my worst day with Him is better than my best days were without Him!  I sincerely mean that, too.  Try Him out, you’ll see it for yourself. :)

If you’ve read this, thank you.  I hope that you have a blessed day, and that something here “spoke” to you if it’s something you needed to hear.  If it has, you’re welcome.  Give God praise for the events He lines up that spark thoughts like this in my mind, where I feel I have to share it with someone.   Life’s just funny like that.  Go out, smile, and breathe.  If something is holding you back, remember that you can turn to Him with anything and He will hear you.  Allow Him to guide you where you need to go, and allow Him to move within your life.  Also, remember that happiness is dependent on circumstances, true joy is not.  True joy is only found in Christ.

Philippians 4:10-13 (NIV)  “I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.  Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

“I wonder what she’s runnin’ from…”

Nope, I still don’t have a “real” post for y’all… Just listening to some Ben Rector via YouTube and I wanted to share these songs because they always makes me smile when I hear them.  I love Ben Rector!

 

 

 

 

I also love Matt Wertz!

 

And Matt White Band :)  I used to listen to this song on repeat hahah.

 

 

Okay! Nuff of that haha just wanted to post a little something!  I hope that y’all are all doing well! :)

Well, well, well…

Oh my gosh.  I am horrible at blogging!!  I just get so caught up in whatever I’m doing, I don’t take the time to sit down and write.  So, what have I been up to?

What haven’t I been up to?  This is going to be an incredibly random post… Haha.  Work with me, here.

In the past two weeks I have:
Worked. At each of my two jobs.
Been to church a few times.
Received my flu shot.
Regretted receiving the flu shot when I was reminded of how sore your arm becomes. :( Haha.
Laughed a lot.
Cried a little bit.
Reconnected with a dear friend of mine who kind of fell off the past 8 months.
Learned to control my temper.
Lost my temper.
Prayed and asked the Lord to “temper my temper.”
Comforted a friend.
Thought of being manipulative to hurt someone who hasn’t been the nicest towards me.
Decided against the thought of manipulation to retaliate, because really, what good does it do?
Decided instead to pray about this situation, this person (and people) involved, and ask the Lord to give me wisdom in the situation.
Reminded myself to “inhale, exhale, repeat.”  Seriously… I have a hot headed temper.  Can’t even lie about it.
Been to a Christian concert.

Enjoyed said concert.

Drank a mint chocolate chip milkshake.  Seriously, it’s divine!

Craved drinking a pumpkin milkshake.  I love all things pumpkin flavored.
Eaten a good steak dinner.  Twice.
Drank a chai tea latte from Starbucks. Twice.
Experienced the birth of a beautiful baby girl.
Held said newborn who wasn’t even two hours old and saw her tiny little eyes try to take in the world around her.  She was warm, kicking, and precious.
Been out of town to the DFW area for the second time since I’ve been home for something other than a doctor’s appointment.
Considered what I want to do with my life.
Debated back and forth what I want to study when I do get back into school.  Ahhh, what to do, what to do? Heeeelp!
Had a sleepover with one of my best friends in the middle of the week.
Paid bills for myself as well as helping my family.
Been reminded daily of everything I have to be thankful for, even when it seems like everything can be really overwhelming.

Life is good, y’all. :)  Hope that you are all doing well!!!

February 14, 2012.

A day of love!  Definitely not my idea of romantic, sweet, or fun to be in a bed in ICU on Valentine’s day, but I had a good day anyways! :) The Lord has blessed me tremendously with the people in my life.  They made efforts, big and small, to show me that I was loved on this day.  I got my phone back on February 10, and I can tell y’all that my phone was blowing up with texts, and calls all day.  My “little sis,” Megan came to my room this day and brought me a stuffed dog that I named Ari after I got home.  Ari is my neurosurgeon’s middle name. :)  He doesn’t know that I have a stuffed animal named after him, but that’s okay.  Hahah.  I love that dog.  It brought me comfort as I became aware of just how sick I truly was, and how scared I was, gave me something to hold onto.  Very sweet gesture from my loving friend!  Thank you, Megan!

Better news on this day, was my 6 AM (that’s why I continue to wake up SO early, regardless of what time I actually go to sleep) wake up call from Dr. Cain.  First of all, I kept thinking “Why is this kid always in my room?”  He looks so youthful!  I would always see him and be so confused as to why a kid was visiting all of these patients.  Haha but he’s not a kid, and this day, he was my favorite person.  Why?  Because he took my staples out!  He came in early and said “Robin, are you ready to get your staples out?” I  said “Is it going to hurt?” He said “No, not at all.”  I said “Okay, but if it hurts, I’m going to be really mad at you.”  Hahah.  Typical me.  It didn’t hurt.  He removed all 33 of them, and the stitches.  It was done really quickly, and he said “Okay, we’re all done.”  I said “You got ALL 33 staples that fast?” He said “Yeah, you’re done.”  I was surprised.  It didn’t hurt, but I later found out there were a couple of stitches left in there.  That’s what happens when your patient has black hair and the stitches are black, too.  :) I remember going to see my head in the mirror and I was shocked.  The incision was so swollen, but I still thought I was pretty.  My hair had started growing back where it had been shaved.  The incision was very tender (and sometimes still is) and I couldn’t touch it, even though the nerves healing made it (and still does sometimes) itch.  That was so obnoxious.  I couldn’t lay on my right side at all because my head hurt so bad.  I learned to sleep flat on my back, because I had that PICC line in my left arm and my nurse Abdul had told me not to lay on it, because if I pulled it out I’d “bleed profusely.”  Umm, no thanks.  Enough trauma for me!  So I just slept on my back with my arms folded under my head… Like this:

Awkward, but it got the job done.  Haha.  I remember having Gil and Kimberly as my nurses this day.  I was Gil’s first patient as an RN, too!  What a cool experience.  I really liked those two, and I hope that Gil is excelling in his nursing career.  He was so funny, charismatic, and bright.  I appreciated his energy around me, because it inspired me to brighten up even through one of the darkest moments of my life.  I remember getting my urinary catheter taken out this day, thank God.  You seriously never notice how awesome it is to be able to do things on your own until those privileges are taken from you.  It’s weird to be thankful for being able to relieve myself by myself, but I remember how annoying and awkward it had been to have a catheter in.  I remember how odd it had been to have to ask a nurse to accompany me to the restroom because I was on a fall risk.  Getting a little graphic, I know, but seriously just be thankful for being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower on your own!  It’s pretty awesome!

I know I was still in a lot of pain at the time, because I remember crying and complaining that my neck hurt so bad.  They gave me a muscle relaxer by the name of Robaxin, but I am convinced it didn’t work.  Either that, or my body only responded to pain medication.    I wasn’t able to take more pain medicine at the time, so the Robaxin was my only choice.  All I know is that my neck was so stiff and sore.  Gil did a lot of neck and back massages in that ICU room.  I’m thankful to him for that, too.  Sometimes I’d venture out to say that my neck hurt worse than my head.  I actually think it did.  Yes, the headaches were very painful, but I think being in severe pain in your neck just throws your body off.  I could handle the headaches, but the neck pain was intense enough to send me to tears.  Those of you who know me know that before this, I never cried.  Ever.  I don’t cry as much now as I did when I first came home, either, but I do still cry and I enjoy it, actually.  It’s good for the soul.  But the pain that I was aware of was incredible and I cried a lot.  Dilaudid and Norco were good friends to me in that hospital.  Haha.

I don’t remember doing much of anything this day, except I was told that I was able to be moved from ICU to a room on another floor since I was doing so well.  I would still be monitored closely, but not as closely as in ICU, so I’d have a little freedom.  This made me happy, and I was ready to “move on up” as I say, since I went from the 3rd floor to the 5th floor. :)