All Good Things

The tens taught me the lesson of how to survive. The twenties will teach me the lesson of how to thrive.

What a decade, y’all! I’m sitting here writing this but I don’t even know if I have enough words to express what the last ten years have been like for me. First, I’m grateful for all things. I know approaching life from a place of gratitude opens the doors for more gratitude to flow in. In spite of every obstacle against me, in spite of every loss, in spite of every dark day, I persevered and I survived. I lived in a sowing season, and now it’s time to reap.

I learned more life lessons in ten years than I’ve learned in the entirety of my 32 years, and I know there’s a purpose in the pain even if it hurt (and sometimes still does) like hell. I learned how to lose gracefully and still ignite a spark of hope within, because keeping the flame alive provides light for the path I travel. I learned we are souls and our bodies are the vessels in which we reside. We are essence and energy and we exist here to learn. It’s not about what we get, but it’s all about what we give. Wealth isn’t only about money or material things, wealth is having peace within yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you, and that’s something no salary could ever give you. Be and stay true to you and claim that abundance.

I learned I give light, I give encouragement, I give fire and a passion for anything and anyone that matters to me. I learned my father raised me well, and my siblings and I are, without a doubt, carrying his legacy with us. I am so thankful for all of the time I had with him, because he established a foundation for us to only go up.

If things don’t feel good, find some good in it. If you can’t find the good, create something good and focus on that. I understand pain down to the very core of the soul, but I also understand purpose. Not everything that happens to you is about you. Sometimes things happen solely because we need to have our story to share, and we can’t empathize if we haven’t traveled that path. I did that. My stroke made sure of it, because not only did I face my own mortality at 24 years old, I had to begin a “new normal” I was not ready to start. It was very much do or die, and I chose to do, even if some days I felt like I might die.

I am petite, but I am also a powerhouse and nothing or no one will stop me once my mind is made up. I will stand, even if I stand alone. I will speak, I will use my voice and I will listen. I will help other stroke survivors (and those who love them) traveling down this path, because I’ve been there done that and have the scars to show it. I remember feeling like I was in a foreign land without a compass, guide or map. I remember being absolutely terrified that I would “just suddenly die” because I was no longer within the four walls of UT Southwestern. I remember the isolation, difficulty accepting or understanding, and devastation of watching everything I thought I knew, all I thought I would have, and everyone I thought knew me, just disappear literally overnight. There are no words I can share to express this type of pain, and I can feel the swelling in my chest as I write this, because I know I do not want anyone to suffer in that place by themselves. I am here because I’m supposed to be here. I am here for you, and I am thankful I’m able to communicate.

I’ve said it before, but had the stroke taken place in the same lobes, but on the left side of my brain, it’s very likely I could’ve lost my ability to speak or understand words at all. It’s due to aphasia, and the thought of it makes me want to cry. I remember having some issues with language early on in my recovery and that’s what showed my dad something actually did change. Some days I still have slip ups with using the correct word but the wrong way. For instance, I would write “I can here you” or something like that, but I meant “hear.” It’s actually kind of scary to experience, because you know what’s right, but your brain literally doesn’t function well enough to notice it or correct it. I will be “eight years old” in my new normal, in February and I still have days where my processing of language is slower. There is such an odd feeling of being trapped inside your own body and knowing what you know you know, but not being able to express it. It’s really quite alarming, and I just know if I can help even one person know this could be one deficit they have because of their stroke, then my own suffering is totally worth it.

Eight years is a long time, but not in the “new normal.” Life is different now, but life is still good. Some things have stayed the same, while some things have changed. One constant, though, is how I process sound. When too many people are speaking at once, my brain still processes the words as a foreign language. I don’t even know how to explain it, but even if I know they’re speaking English, my brain cannot make sense of the different sounds, so it just jumbles everything up. I can handle it a bit easier now, but it’s very tiring (in a neurological fatigue way) to me if I have to be in a loud-chaotic environment with too much noise at once. I have developed really good boundaries with myself and with others, and that helps me to keep moving forward! The more tired I am, the less I can handle, so I will just shut down or shut off. Usually this means putting on headphones, but I will also leave a place if I need to, because I know once I start flooding, it won’t be long before I become extremely irritable and/or a migraine develops.

Speaking of migraines, I know what it’s like to feel so bad, you really do wish you could just pull your head off of your body and get a new head. Thankfully I am well controlled now, thanks to Aimovig, but I do still have “bad brain days.” On those days, I just have to shut down because I can’t focus or function and I don’t want to be mean to people or myself. I have to be quiet and be in the quiet.

Quiet. That’s how the majority of my year was, last year. I spent nine months just trying to process what actually happened (graduating college with honors is a big deal and even more so when you did it with an acquired brain injury, after an eight year break from the first time you went to school) in the four years prior, and since I had time to just be, everything came rushing in. I had to process that I really did do it, I really did keep that promise to myself and my dad, that I would finish school and I would graduate with honors. Sometimes it still shocks me, because it seems so surreal but it really happened! I am so proud of myself and I know this is only beginning.

In the quiet, I had to process the death of my dad and since I knew I wasn’t handling it so well but I didn’t want to turn to an unhealthy coping mechanism, I chose to get back into therapy. I have a great psychologist and she has helped me so much. I learned about delayed grief and I turned back to writing (not publicly) to help me express what I was feeling and get it out. I had to be still, so really even though it was not easy, it was necessary that I did not immediately start working like I’d planned to do. None of my job interviews (if I even got to that point) resulted in an offer and I was so upset for so long. However, one day when I got tired of being tired, I told myself to to step back and think of what did happen. I did get back into therapy, I did make myself an exercise regimen I could stick to, I did spend time reading and reflection of what is still good. I needed that stillness. Just because it doesn’t look like anything is happening doesn’t mean nothing is happening, it means you can’t see it externally yet, but the change and growth is happening within. That is a major lesson and it’s one I will carry with me for as long as I live.

I learned it’s okay not to be okay. I learned you can go there, but don’t stay there. “There” being wherever you go to feel whatever you feel, and just letting yourself be there and feel it. That’s okay, it means you are being true to yourself and allowing yourself to go through the cycle. Do not let it stop you from living your life, though. If you’re still here, you’ve still got purpose, and you need to trust in that. Find some way to release it and be kind to yourself, because you’re always a work in progress.

The tens taught me how to survive. The twenties are going to teach me how to thrive. I release the past decade in gratitude, standing strong in my power and following the path of purpose. I give thanks for all that was. I welcome this new decade with an open heart, and give thanks for all that is and all that will be.

The lesson lately has been “keep going, keep growing” and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I am blessed to be here and I am excited to see what “all good things” looks like, lived out. I welcome balance and peace as I continue to move forward in this life of mine. I can feel this hope deep inside of my soul, it makes my body feel electric and I know it’s because there is greater and there this more ahead. All that was lost is not a loss, and there is a lesson to be learned, regardless.

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing and feeling well, wherever you are. I hope you have a great new year and always remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.

2020, let’s do this! It’s only up from here!

Gratitude.

Dear dad and mom,

Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart (from the four of us), thank you so much for raising us.  You didn’t just let us grow up, you raised us.  You invested into us, loved us, corrected us, and redirected us.  You allowed us each the space to be exactly who we are, but also set a foundation of core values that have sustained us and are more apparent to me now that I’m older and grasping just how different people are.

I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks on society, lack of morality and values, and the differences between people who grow up and people who are raised.  Truthfully, the general public has made me question a lot and I made the connection that it all starts at home.  I have said it in my mind so many times, but the dissolution of family is an atrocity.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  Family can look differently, but it’s very important to have a parent (or parents) who really do nourish their child(ren).  Now more than ever in a society that seems to have its moral fibers barely stitched together by a thread, it is vital to make sure you’re parenting well.

It’s one thing to tell a person what to do, but an entirely different thing to shape them into who they are.  Of course it’s up to the person to do what he/she wants to do, but when you build them into someone, they tend to carry that identity wherever they go.

 You both did your part in weaving our moral fibers and now we are so well stitched together that it carries over into every aspect of our lives.  Mom, you made sure that we were in church from the time we were very little and that opened our young eyes and hearts to the faith that has carried me several times.  Thank you!  Dad, you may not have taken us to church, but you have instilled plenty of wisdom through your one-liners that still echo in my head and I’m nearly 27! Haha.  I will never forget them!  Thank you!

“Stand for something, or fall for anything.”
“Don’t do wrong and expect things to work out right.”
“Make good choices.”
“Don’t start it, don’t take it.”
“Watch what’s going on around you.”
“Stand for something, even if you stand alone.”

You are both of different temperaments, but you also have both somehow passed on the “feeler” gene.  I don’t even know how to put it into words, but it’s that gut feeling that is so strong in all four of us.  Highly intuitive, I guess. We “just know.”  We are all four different personalities and beings as your children, but we all “just know,” and it’s usually accurate.  It’s so weird, but I love it and I love knowing that I can go to my parents and siblings with something or someone and they too can be honest with their thoughts/feelings on a situation so that I know it’s not just me jumping to a premature conclusion.  This feeling has saved me from several situations that could have gone terribly wrong and every time I have doubted it, I have paid for it.  I have learned now to just trust the feeling in my spirit because it’s there for a reason.

I know that it wasn’t always easy to raise two boys and two girls, I know I had plenty of medical issues as a child (and even as I’ve grown up) that would stress y’all out, I know we weren’t always the most well-behaved or that we didn’t always give you the respect you deserve, but I definitely know that I am so grateful for your parenting skills.  So grateful, so blessed to have parents who really do care, really do invest, and still look out for our well-being and best interests although we’re all young adults now.  I’m by no means saying we are perfect people, because we are all flawed, but you each gave us a pretty good start on how to live a good life just by being a good person overall.

Thank you for allowing each of us to develop our individual selves but also making sure we stay true to who we are, who we were raised to be, who we are called to be, and who we can become.  I have watched too many people try to be too many people (because they don’t know who they are) and they lose grasp and sight of who they truly are.  That’s a surefire way to end up compromising yourself for a pseudo existence.  I don’t want that, and I’m glad you never encouraged that.  We were raised in a house that was very persistent on knowing who you are and not apologizing for being true to ourselves.  That matters.  A lot.  You taught us to love well and accept all people, but not to depend on them for validation or definition of self.  Who I am is not dependent on who’s around me, where I am, but what’s within me. Thank you!!!  Emotional security is more important now than ever as I’m still recovering, still fighting my neurological battle, still learning this “new normal.”  As a young woman in this world and time where everything seems to be constantly morphing, it means everything to me to have a core that is well-developed so that even though everything I know, thought I knew, lost, gained, I am secure enough to know who I am and not change.  I have you both to thank for that!

We did not have a perfect childhood or perfect family, but we do have love, authenticity, honesty, faith, laughter, a solid foundation, and that is something that I wish to pass on to my own family, should I be blessed with my own someday. Our home was filled with an interesting blend and balance of honesty and sensitivity.  We may not have always seemed like we were listening, but we were absorbing everything and much of it has influenced who I am today.

Thank you for not giving us everything we wanted, but much of it.  Thank you for giving us the things that we need, and something that actually lasts an entire lifetime, by giving us a good foundation.  Thank you for both being in our lives, day in and day out, in the same household.  You taught us to be kind but be honest, use manners, treat people the way you want to be treated, work hard but know when to rest, gain knowledge, be sensitive but strong, love well.  We learned by watching you, thank you for the examples.

Thank you so much, dad and mom.  You are both awesome people and I love you both so much!!!  

When you enter this world, you are given a name, and when you leave this world, you take your name with you.  I hope we all carry our names as well as you have trained us to.  I love you, thank you.

-Robin

I have no words but these.

 

 

Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life.  It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively.  Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!

 

Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance.  It only reinforced that He is still here with me.  The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU.  I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today.  They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again.  One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.

 

Rachel held my journal and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. I couldn’t physically speak because I was intubated, but somehow between all of the medical intervention and medication, I was lucid enough to tell her what I knew in my spirit and soul. Praise God!!!
In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.”
Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!

 

I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal.  This journey has just been remarkable.  So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey.  I am blessed to be able to walk it.  I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that.  Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.

I just see life differently now.  I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me.  Whatever You need to do, use me.  Please.”  I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears.  As I said before, I am not the crying type.  Tears are serious business ’round these parts!  Haha :)  But I meant it!  I still mean it today, and He has been using me.   The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy.  I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.

 

I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally  overnight.  I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly.   I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming.  My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.”  I didn’t want to hear that!  I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area.  I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately.  When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream.  “Are you kidding me?  This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life?  Why would You allow that, God?  I thought You wanted good for me?  How is this good?”

 

But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me.  He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before.  I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time.  I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him.  I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me.  Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat.  I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle.  He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support.  You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind.  I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything.  He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!

 

I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do.  I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is.  I cherish life.  I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me.  Romans 12:2 reads (NIV)  “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  I claim this verse often.  Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind.  I praise God!

I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used  His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life.  I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it.  Thank you all for joining me on this journey.

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Happy 1 year “blog-iversary” to me!

One year of blogging about my journey!  Happy faces and thumbs up, for sure!

Doing the “victory pose” during a happy moment. Thumbs up and big smiles, that’s pretty much my life mindset haha.

Haha umm, I meant to write and post this entry on the actual anniversary, but I was preoccupied on a “girls getaway” trip to New Braunfels!  I guess I could have written it before hand and left it as a draft, then just set it to publish on June 29, but that’s alright!  I’m here now, and that’s what matters.  I wrote my first post on June 29, 2012.  :)  To think that I didn’t even want to talk about this whole brain injury/brain aneurysm/stroke thing and now I’ve been writing for a little over a year, is funny to me.

I’m glad I started writing when I did, and I’m also glad that I didn’t write when I first came home last year.  Those first 6 months were the most… Dark times.  I just felt so confused, so conflicted, and mostly so scared.  Every ache and pain sent me into a panic, every sharp “zing” through my scalp had me convinced that I was experiencing something wrong with the clipping, and emotionally, I was a total mess.  I was dealing with so much all at once, none of which I had been prepared to deal with in the slightest. I’ve done a lot of reading and research, and many people have said that the general anesthesia and drugs coming out of your system can cause you to be really emotional.  But just for a recap, I had emergency brain surgery (no idea I even had an aneurysm until mine ruptured), the parts of my brain (most) affected control emotions, memory, and personality, and I was thrown into a sea of “what is this?” with no idea how to swim.  So what do you do?  You learn to tread water.  I’ve been treading water for nearly 17 months, now.  July 4 will be 17 months since “the night I died,” and July 6 will be 17 months since my life was saved thanks to an incredible neurosurgeon and medical staff that God used to help intervene.  I still firmly believe, though, that if He (God) didn’t want me here, I would not be alive (and doing as well as I am) today.  You can think what you’d like about that, but it won’t change how I feel.

 
Anyway, I’m just saying hey!  I may decide to blog about my weekend getaway this past weekend, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.  I just wanted to say something about having passed a year in blogging.  Writing is cathartic to me, so I don’t think I’ll stop writing anytime soon.  Just knowing that I can touch thousands of lives with one blog really propels me to keep sharing my heart, journey, understanding, faith, and struggles.  Seriously, y’all?  That blog has (at the time of me publishing this entry) 1,170 views.  My blog in totality (from June 29, 2012 to currently) has 4,121 views!  You know what that means to me?   It means that people are hungry for more knowledge, there are people out there struggling to find the words to explain to others, there are people who are willing to learn about “us” (with traumatic and/or acquired brain injuries), and that I have the ability to put it into words for “us” and them.  That’s a huge blessing, and I can’t thank y’all enough for being so awesome as to take the time to read it and share it with others!  It also shows me how God is faithful to use what gifts you have, if you’re faithful to use what gifts you have.  When I wrote that entry, I was in a moment of late night clarity and decided to just “speak up” for myself and two other survivor friends.  I never intended for it to reach as far as it has, and it still continues to spread today.  That’s pretty awesome, if you ask me! :)

Alright, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  It feels incredible outside, so I think I might go for a long walk and just get some fresh air. Maybe I’ll even run some if I feel okay!  Take it easy, everyone.  Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

In awe.

This is my 100th post (!!!!!!!) since starting this blog, and I’m sitting on the porch, it’s a rainy cool morning, I just finished some breakfast.  I’m listening to music, thinking, and thanking God for all that He’s doing in my life. I am in total awe of how if you give faithfully with what you’ve got, He is able to do more than you could ever even dream.

I’m extremely creative, my mind goes to places undiscovered, I’m always thinking, always dreaming, always wondering. But I could have never imagined this.  I could have never imagined having a brain aneurysm, much less surviving a brain aneurysm rupture that nearly cost me my life. I could have never imagined the support that could and would be shown to me.

I could have never imagined life with a brain injury, yet that’s the life I’m living.  Every time I had ever heard about a brain injury, it was because of the war(s). I heard about wounded veterans and the difficulties they face trying to readjust to civilian life, or life where they aren’t in imminent danger and on guard.  I always felt a sense of compassion towards them, because I have faced struggles long before my  brain burst.  I didn’t know what it was like to be in “their” shoes, but I did know what it was like to hurt, and because of that, I felt deeply for them.  I didn’t think it could ever happen to me.  I didn’t even know what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured!  Talk about a wake up call.  Talk about feeling like you’re living in an alternate universe and dream.  I could have never imagined this would be me.  In fact, as arrogant as it may sound, if you had told me on the morning of February 4, 2012 that I would be very near death by 10 PM that night, I would have laughed in your face. “Me?  Yeah, right.  I’m 24 and invincible,” I would have replied.  Umm, apparently not.

God has always had some kind of other plan for my life.  I came into this universe unexpectedly, and I have dealt with (and survived) all kinds of unexpected situations throughout my life. I never really adjust to it, but I just deal with it.  I don’t know what’s supposed to happen in my life, but I am trusting The One who gave me life. I know that He has plans far greater than I could ever dream (Ephesians 3:20-21), and I know that He will right the wrongs.  I know that I am here for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and that none of this is in vain.  I don’t always understand it, I become extremely frustrated, wearied, battered, but I am pressing on. (Philippians 3:10-14)  I do know that I would have never chosen this route, this lifestyle, this path for my life, but I am trusting that He has gone before me and He is straightening my paths. (Proverbs 19:21) (Proverbs 3:5-6)

This all seems so wrong, seems so harsh, seems so… Desperate.  I get angry, I question God, I fight where I am, and I fight to get better.  I have learned that there is quite a thin line between bitter and better, and it starts with I.  They’re even only one letter difference in spelling.  Let that sink in.  I wonder why my life has never been normal, I wonder why I never got to live the life that all of the other seemingly carefree 20-somethings are living, not a worry in the world.  I realize that I have to fight against the negative thoughts that try to hold me captive. Negativity just drains you and holds you back from what you actually could accomplish.  My life didn’t take the same path as your average “20 something” because it isn’t supposed to.  I just have to quit questioning why, and come to a place of acceptance.  I don’t have to be happy about it, but I need to reach that plateau so I continue the climb up this mountain.  I think that the more I just quit fighting it, the more peace I find and the more I’m able to say “Thank You” and just accept it.  It’s a fight though, believe me.

So bitter, or better? Which do I choose?  I feel bitter as I let the pain and questioning hold my mind captive, then better when I realize I am given crazy awesome, unique opportunities to share my experience with the world.  I am given the opportunity to see another day.  Someone hears my story and asks about me, tells a friend they’re praying for me.  Strangers will approach my family, approach my friends, approach me and tell me how glad they are that I’m here, how strong I am, how much proof I am that God still works miracles.  That is such an incredible gift.  I am always reminded to keep pressing on, to keep the faith, keep the fight.  Opportunities and heartfelt acknowledgment of my struggles and realizing that through my struggles, I am able to point towards Him, makes all of this worth it.  I have said it before, and I still believe it today, I am merely a vessel.  My life is not my own.  I am here for a purpose, and it has nothing at all to do with me. I guess God just knows that I can handle it, and He sees me through it.  Sure enough, my tests are turning into testimonies, and I am grateful.

I am in awe at the ways in which He makes all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) God has truly been good to me.  Since day one, He has protected me.  I don’t understand the ways in which He works (Isaiah 55:8-9) or why, but that’s okay.  I am just grateful to have the opportunities that I do have.

I am grateful for the incredible care I’ve received from all of the doctors, nurses, therapists, and medical staff.  I am grateful for the people in my life who encourage me, strengthen me, remind me of who I am, walk beside me, walk behind me, walk with me.  I am grateful for the eye opening events that have forced me to face my mortality at a young age (24 then, 25 now),  so that I can live the rest of my life with a true understanding of just how quickly this could all escape me.  I am grateful to have a clear understanding of who and what truly matters in this life, and how I’m able to avoid those people and situations that I know aren’t worth the energy.  So many people expend so much energy on fleeting, insignificant, material pursuits in this life.  They don’t “get it” and I do.  I “get it” at a young enough age to where if I’m blessed to continue a long life, I will live wholeheartedly because I will always be appreciative of what’s before me.  That’s what life is about.  Life is about recognizing where you are, accepting where you are, and truly taking it all in with your whole heart.  Most people don’t live that way, and I do, because of this experience.  Thank You, Lord.

I don’t wish this pain, hurt, struggle, frustration, anger, uncertainty, isolation, confusion, or experience on anyone.  But if you can look at me, read my words, comprehend what I’m saying, please just be grateful with your life.  Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Don’t take a single second for granted.  Don’t get so caught up in tomorrow that you forget to live today.  Don’t stay so stuck on yesterday that you lose sight of right now.  Life is fleeting, life is beautiful even in its ugliness.  Life is a gift, and it should be cherished.  I’m just grateful to be here to cherish right now, even in the midst of the hurt.

I’m just really in awe.  Thank you all for everything, I really mean it.

Yes, I have a face. Haha this is the person behind all of these words :)

Be blessed, everyone! Keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

The story that almost wasn’t told.

I just posted this status via Facebook, as I just officially turned 25.  Hahaha, what?  It still doesn’t make any sense to me.  It still seems like… It’s not real.  Me?  Twenty five, already? Umm, okay, if you say so… Haha.  Anyway,

“Twenty five years ago, I was brought into this world a little too early.  Okay, who am I kidding? Way too early! Like 3 months and 17 days too early.  So early, in fact, that I only weighed in at a whopping (haha) ONE pound, EIGHT ounces.  Those giant sized bags of M&M’s at the store, yeah… That’s how much I weighed on the day I was born.  Whaaaat!?  Of course, I was immediately flown via the lovely ambulance helicopter to Cook Children’s Hospital in Ft. Worth where a team of doctors, nurses, therapists, surgeons, and staff fought to save my life the first time.  I stayed there for months, taking my parents on a rollercoaster of emotion as some days I was doing awesome, the next, I could plummet so quickly.  Of course, I have no memory, but I have scars and I do know that God was as with me then as He was with me on February 4, when I was flown back to the DFW area for the ruptured brain aneurysm.  Last year, I said “twenty four, give me more!” This year I’m saying “twenty five, thank God I’m alive!” <3″

 

Yes, that’s the story I’ve been meaning to tell.  The ruptured brain aneurysm event isn’t the first time I wasn’t “supposed to” be here.  I feel like I’ve lived more in this 25 years than most people will live their entire lives, and honestly, I probably have.  It isn’t everyday that a baby is born severely premature, and lives to tell it.  Especially 25 years ago.  Medical technology has advanced so much that I think babies born that small today might have a greater chance at life without such difficulties than I did in the same situation.  You know, I “should have” had severe deficits, been slower than my peers, been delayed in this aspect, that aspect.  You know, I think I’m in pretty good shape.  I have no recollection of anything from my premature birth, but I did find some medical records one day that talked about a test they did, and I wasn’t delayed like they thought I’d be.  I started reading at age 3, and I haven’t ever really stopped.  Besides my scars, being pretty small (I’m only 5’1″ and I just weighed myself yesterday, 111.2 or something like that–Haha I haven’t gained much in this life), and a story to tell, I’m just as normal as the young lady next to me.  It just doesn’t seem real.  Who has two life threatening conditions/illnesses and lives to tell about them?  I do, apparently.  Thank God that I am alive, and mostly well.  Thank God that I am able to tell my story, thank God that He loves me enough to save me and still has a purpose for me, my life, and everything that has transpired.

 

There’s so much more I want to say, and I will probably come back and edit this post tonight, but for right now I’ve got to get running to church and then a birthday lunch. :)  Today is going to be wonderful, and it already is.  I’m just so happy to be alive.  So grateful for all of the birthday wishes, and so thankful to have life.

 

Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today.  If you’re on the fence about a  real-lationship with God, seek Him while He’s still giving you time.  Mend broken relations, forgive yourself.  Move forward.  You don’t always have tomorrow, even if you’re “sure” you do.  Just a little encouragement, for y’all.

 

God willing I’m alive, I’ll come back tonight to edit this!
Have a blessed day, my readers! :)

Well, well, well…

Oh my gosh.  I am horrible at blogging!!  I just get so caught up in whatever I’m doing, I don’t take the time to sit down and write.  So, what have I been up to?

What haven’t I been up to?  This is going to be an incredibly random post… Haha.  Work with me, here.

In the past two weeks I have:
Worked. At each of my two jobs.
Been to church a few times.
Received my flu shot.
Regretted receiving the flu shot when I was reminded of how sore your arm becomes. :( Haha.
Laughed a lot.
Cried a little bit.
Reconnected with a dear friend of mine who kind of fell off the past 8 months.
Learned to control my temper.
Lost my temper.
Prayed and asked the Lord to “temper my temper.”
Comforted a friend.
Thought of being manipulative to hurt someone who hasn’t been the nicest towards me.
Decided against the thought of manipulation to retaliate, because really, what good does it do?
Decided instead to pray about this situation, this person (and people) involved, and ask the Lord to give me wisdom in the situation.
Reminded myself to “inhale, exhale, repeat.”  Seriously… I have a hot headed temper.  Can’t even lie about it.
Been to a Christian concert.

Enjoyed said concert.

Drank a mint chocolate chip milkshake.  Seriously, it’s divine!

Craved drinking a pumpkin milkshake.  I love all things pumpkin flavored.
Eaten a good steak dinner.  Twice.
Drank a chai tea latte from Starbucks. Twice.
Experienced the birth of a beautiful baby girl.
Held said newborn who wasn’t even two hours old and saw her tiny little eyes try to take in the world around her.  She was warm, kicking, and precious.
Been out of town to the DFW area for the second time since I’ve been home for something other than a doctor’s appointment.
Considered what I want to do with my life.
Debated back and forth what I want to study when I do get back into school.  Ahhh, what to do, what to do? Heeeelp!
Had a sleepover with one of my best friends in the middle of the week.
Paid bills for myself as well as helping my family.
Been reminded daily of everything I have to be thankful for, even when it seems like everything can be really overwhelming.

Life is good, y’all. :)  Hope that you are all doing well!!!

Ramblings of an inquisitive mind…

Fact: I question everything.  Really, everything.  I don’t know why I’m this way, or if I was always this way, or what… But I just question everything.

Simply put, I want knowledge for the sake of being knowledgeable.  I don’t want to know everything so that I can one-up the next person, be condescending, or anything that would imply I’m superior.  I want to know everything (or at least as much as I possibly can about what interests me–which seems like everything) just so that I can know it.  I have no particular reasoning for it, at all.

It makes me laugh, but sometimes my mind is just racing so much that I can’t turn it off and I can’t stop asking questions!  Luckily, I am able to have a sense of humor about this… But let me tell you, it gets annoying very quickly.  People “like me” are sure to “get it,” when I say “Why don’t we have off switches for our brains?”

I even wonder how my brain is recovering, since I never stop questioning everything!  I know I have moderate encephalomalacia  (cerebral softening) of the right temporal lobe… Aka, brain damage/brain injury.  With a somewhat injured portion of my brain, how is it that I even have the energy to think?  Perhaps my neurosurgeon could run a scan of my brain and somehow judge if the neurons are firing as they should, even if there is a damaged portion?

Haha the question is, why do I care?  Really… Why?  I don’t even have an answer, except that I’m forever curious and will forever be a student, if only at heart.  Traditional education is nice, but I don’t think it necessarily prepares you much for what life will throw at you. I mean, I could’ve taken a class in “how to prepare for a catastrophic illness” and studied well, and I assure you I would have not been prepared in any way for what occurred late the night of February 4.  You just don’t know something unless you live it out.  Plain and simple!

 
About my ruptured brain aneurysm, I have the following questions:

For real?
That really happened to me?
Why me, and not one of my siblings?  Of course, I don’t wish this on anyone… But why am I the 1 out of 4?
Why me, when I didn’t even exhibit any of the risk factors for a stroke?
Is a subarachnoid hemorrhage a type of stroke?  Hemorrhagic stroke?
Why can I only remember a few parts of the night of the 4th, even though I was conscious and communicating clearly in the ER?
What is in Dilaudid?  Seriously, that stuff is strong!
What really happened to me?
How can one tiny little aneurysm cause that much damage?
How did this happen when I’m only 24?
How can I prevent another one from happening?
Was mine genetic? My mom’s aunt suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm, and survived.  She also had a cousin experience a ruptured brain aneurysm who did not survive.
For real?
That really happened to me?
I thought if you were young, you were supposed to live forever?  Hello, no one is invincible.  Insert reality check, here.
Why did it take something so disastrous for me to “wake up” about God?  On the other hand, I’m very grateful that I have a real-lationship with God and I love Him. :)
Can one person survive two life threatening medical experiences in 24 years. and still walk away nearly unscathed?  I was born extremely premature.  Micropreemie, weighing in at 1 (yes, ONE) pound and 8 ounces.  3 months and 17 (or 108) days early.
What does God want me to do, here?
Why did He leave me here in(mostly)  “normal” conditions, when many others have suffered a lesser fate?
Why did I get such a cool neurosurgeon?  Shoutout to Dr. Jonathan A. White at UT Southwestern in Dallas, Texas!  He’s seriously so cool.  His demeanor is almost eerily chill haha.  I just don’t understand how someone could have such calm, whose career involves doing something as delicate as brain (or spinal) surgery, knowing even the tiniest mistake literally has the power of completely altering someone’s life.  He’s so laid back… Which explains why I shrugged him off with a slight laugh when he told me on March 6 “When we first got you, we didn’t think we could do anything to save you.”  Lo and behold, he was not kidding.
Do I always have to do things to such extremes?  I couldn’t have been just a week or two early… No, I had to come 14 weeks and 3 days early. Then, I couldn’t have just had a ruptured brain aneurysm… No, I had to walk around with it slowly leaking (sentinel headache) for 3 days before it all out ruptured lending me “a grade 4 or 5, pretty bad” (see Hunt and Hess Scale) ruptured brain aneurysm.
How did I even survive as I have when I was doing everything wrong?  Seriously, y’all… It is not conducive to good health to be taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen, downing Caramel Macchiato’s (thanks, Starbucks), taking Advil Cold and Sinus (hey, pseudoephedrine that raises blood pressure), and drinking 1/2 of a Michelob Ultra all in one day, just thinking it’ll get rid of this “annoying headache” that you’ve had in varying intensities on and off for ohhh, 3 days.  Really… I should have went to the doctor when the headache woke me up on the morning of February 1.  It was the “weirdest” headache I’ve ever had, I haven’t had another like it since, and I hope I never have another one.  It was like… Someone kicked me in the back of my head (where the crown of your head is) and it was very sharp, sudden, and aching.  I should have known this one was different.  Due to my ignorance, I thought I was coming down with some kind of weird cold or something.  Winter’s notorious for that.
What?
For real?

Of course I have many other questions like:
Why is the sky blue, and grass green?  Why can’t the sky be green, and the grass blue?
What are you thinking?
What is it about humans to constantly repeat the same cycle over, and over, and over again? Seriously… The more that I think, the more I realize history truly does repeat itself.  Same theme, different “characters,” different time.
What if God was one of us?
Why on Earth would some people ever name their kids some of the most ridiculous names?
You are kidding, right?
What would constitute an “old soul?”  Just wondering, because I’m constantly told things like “You have wisdom beyond your years.”  Thank you, by the way. :)
Why is music so visceral and universal?
What am I supposed to do with my life?  Really, help me out if y’all have any suggestions!! I’m willing to learn :)
Why do some people think about everything and it seems others don’t think at all?
Why do I love words so much?  Even though I don’t really like to talk that often.
Are we ever going to get past race?  Guess what?  We are all a part of the human race, our ethnicities are what make us “different.”  In reality, though, we are only different in terms of pigmentation because of melanin in the skin. Well, people have different temperaments too, but honestly we share more common ground than many care to realize or truthfully acknowledge.
Why did my browser just shut out?
Who invented the auto save feature on WordPress? Thank you for saving this post!
Who invented the WordPress app for Android? Thank you for allowing me to finish this post from my phone.

Clearly, I wonder about almost everything. More than I’ve even hinted at in this post to be sure. But… As I continue through this maze of life, there is one question that could hold eternal in my mind, and it is this: Is this real life?

Haha! I hope y’all are all doing well, wherever you are in this (United States) country, or in the world. Blessings to you all, and remember tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Make it right today. :)