It has been a very long time since I’ve written anything publicly, but today, a status I wrote and shared on Facebook last year showed up during an Instagram scroll and I felt it heavy on my heart to come share. As I was preparing to write, “you are changing everything” started playing in my mind, so I am also sharing that song after the post! It’s “I am Loved” by Mack Brock, and it’s really a beautiful song. Music is such a gift, and I am truly thankful I am able to hear and I did not lose the ability in my stroke. Anyway, let me move on to the post I know I need to share here on a bigger platform. Please feel free to share it with the next person if you feel inclined to do so.
I wrote this on June 20, 2020 and it seems even more relevant today than it did then! That’s how I receive messages and epiphanies, though. I will write them in the moment when they’re pressing on my spirit, but it seems like they grow in strength over time and the next time I see it is the right time for me to see it. Reading these “on my spirit” posts is really like recognizing my past self is always looking out for my future self. Divine timing, indeed. Alright, here goes!
New blessings are on the way, but they can’t exist where they don’t have space to exist. Do some inventory, clean up and clear out space for what wants to come in.
Give yourself space. Nurture. Get out in nature and just observe a while. Watch the cycle of life through a day, because it is a microcosm of the macrocosm that is us. Take notes, everything is cyclical.
Slow down, don’t be in a rush to go nowhere fast. Direction matters as much as the destination. Move with purpose, but first, just be. Just be, life is not always about doing, going, moving, producing, seeing results in real time.
Nothing can grow when it’s in the wrong environment, and flowers don’t bloom where you don’t plant seeds and tend to the garden. Know this, remember this, act with this in mind, and prepare the space. Literally, figuratively, you know what this means to you.
This is personal. This is private. This is self care, self love, soul work, from the very root. This is foundational, and this is a fresh start. You deserve this, so allow it. Act in ways that align with that’s already yours, even if you don’t see it yet. Your examination, movement, reflection and thoughts are an energy exchange and the world moves when you move. Trust.
Let it flow. Let yourself feel, because you are human and you are whole. You are safe. Wholeness functions holistically and in a balanced system. You have to balance the scales to be at your best. When you are at your personal best so is all around you.
Do not block your blessings. Review. Release so you are able to receive. Believe in what you achieve because it already believes in you. Name it and claim it, because it’s already yours.
There you are! I hope this message speaks to someone today, or whenever you come across it. I named this post “welcome” because that’s the first word that jumped to my mind when I reflected on this sharing this post. It’s time to welcome what and who is truly for you, and be bold and courageous to create space for the new. Move forward in faith and leave fear behind. I know it isn’t easy, but it is worth it. The price of peace in your heart and soul are priceless and that alone should give you strength to do what you need to do and go where you need to go. That’s the hope I wish for you to take away from this post when you read it.
Every once in a while, I will read a book that grasps my heart and won’t let go. I took a chance on The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein, after reading positive reviews and a synopsis on a forum earlier this week while hunting for new literature. You see, as much as I love to write, I love to read. I began reading on my own at the age of three and I haven’t really slowed down much since. For me, reading is such an escape and it gives me time to reflect and think.
While school is in session, most of my reading is strictly for school. During this winter break, however, I just wanted to read something for leisure. I love dogs, love cars, and love “feel good” stories, so I thought “well, it can’t hurt, right?” I downloaded The Art of Racing in the Rain to my Kindle app on 12/22, began reading early in the morning on 12/24, and I just finished it a bit after noon today. I’m glad that this was one of my Christmas gift purchases to myself from myself, because it inspired a new hope in my heart. Amazon and I have quite the connection, as much money as I spend on there just for books! Haha, I love it though!
Without giving too much away, The Art of Racing in the Rain tells the tale of a family from the viewpoint of their lab-terrier mix, Enzo. I haven’t ever read a book that is narrated by a dog, but if there is another one out there, I hope it is as well written as this book is! I have read so many books, but this one is easily in my top ten. The Giver by Lois Lowry is probably my favorite book of all time, but I know there are so many more books to be read. In the meantime, though, my heart is satisfied with this.
I did some research and found out that there are plans to turn The Art of Racing in the Rain into a movie. If it is true, I hope they do justice by the book. Often times, I’m disappointed with movies based on novels, because they just don’t live up to the books. I would be really upset if any details were left out, because they truly add to the plot line. This book was so charming, at times raw, and really warming. Grab your tissues if you do choose to read it, because it tugs at the heart strings. I know this is a book that I can go back to just for inspiration, and I always appreciate that from a book.
Hope that you are all doing and feeling well, wherever you are! I’m having a rough week with a nasty barometric pressure migraine, so I’m just lying low today, but still enjoying Christmas in my own way. Coffee, a warm bed, and a good book. It’s well enough for me. :)
Keep the faith, keep the fight! Merry Christmas to you and yours, and God bless!
Read this quote and loved it! It’s a perfect reminder to just keep going!
At the end of Spring 2014 semester, I felt accomplished, but a piece of me also felt let down. Yes, I went back to school and I really sought to learn. I sought to do more than just memorize, I wanted to learn new information, retain it and be able to recall it. I attended classes, I attended labs, I did projects, I studied, I passed tests, I failed tests. I was tired, but I still got up and went. I had awful barometric pressure headaches, which led to concentration and focus issues, and memory lapses. I still fought through it. In the end, though, I let myself down because I didn’t reach the goals I had set out for myself. Also because of the standards set for me by the people who are walking through this journey with me, I felt as though I let them down, and that is the last thing I want to do. There is nothing more I hate than disappointing myself or having someone disappointed in me, and there is no one who is more difficult on me than I am.
So what was the solution? First, I was absolutely exhausted. Mentally drained and stressed because I needed to revise the game plan. The number one item on my itinerary was crossing graduate May 2017 off of the list. Did I want to do that? Absolutely not. Did I need to do that? Absolutely! I remember sitting in the parking lot outside of my advisor’s office and I thought “Robin, get over yourself. You wanted this, but you also need to learn to make adjustments. Remember when you began this journey last September? What did you promise yourself? Now hold true to that. You hate when people lie to you, so don’t lie to yourself. You can do this, so get up and do it.”
That was it for me. I went to meet with my advisor, and together we revised my schedule. I chose to take one less class so that I could gain better footing on “how to college,” and give myself adequate time to adjust to this new season. I honestly did too much too quickly in my first semester back to the world of academia. A 6 year break in school wouldn’t be kind to many people, and that holds doubly so for someone with a brain injury mostly manifesting itself in cognitive deficits. I know I write well, but that’s also not the area of my brain that is most damaged. Brain injury is such a strange adventure because often, you can’t even tell that there’s anything “wrong” until you’re in a certain situation. I recall plenty of times I’d be right in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was trying to say. Or I’d have studied information for a test and knew it like the back of my hand, then get to the actual test, allow anxiety to overtake me, and end up doing subpar.
That was not okay with me. I am of the mindset that if I’m not going to make the best of what I have and apply 100% (and then some) of myself, then I may as well just stop doing what I’m doing. There is no reason for me to waste my time, money, energy or anyone else’s. I know God did not leave me here to just “maybe” do well and be well. He left me here in as great of condition as He did (all things considered) to really embrace what I’m capable of, and I knew I was capable of more than what I ended up with at the end of the semester.
After working with my advisor and vocational rehabilitation counselor, we all agreed on a new plan for the next few semesters and I am very happy to report that it worked! I saw my neurologist in October as well and I am still seizure free, praise God! I still have some scary moments where I have what I believe are seizure auras, but they stop there. I still experience severe migraines due to the barometric pressure, but something has changed. I believe with a bit less stress on my mind, I’m better equipped to deal with physical pain. I chose to go to school every day (M-F) and take all 8 AM classes when my mind was fresh, that made a huge difference, as did taking all my classes traditionally, face to face lectures. I still made it a point to sit in the front or as close to the front and center as possible, and I took very, very detailed notes. I stepped up, took initiative and really pushed myself to stay disciplined with studying, reaching out for clarification to help myself grasp concepts, and in constant contact with my professors, neuro team, advisor, and counselors. I am proud of me!
After final grades, I raised my GPA up to a 3.3 and a 3.0 cumulative. I only plan on going up from here!I am proud of me, and I am really looking forward to next semester and beyond. I have no doubts now that I can do this college thing, and Fall 2014 proved it to me. Yes, because my program of study is only offered once a year, I delayed my graduation by a year, but that’s okay. The goal is to finish strong, not necessarily quickly. I know I couldn’t keep going the pace at which I began, so I slowed down my run to a steady jog and I’m going to keep running this race until I reach that finish line. Let’s do this!
Hope all is well with you, wherever you are! I will be have to write more while I’m out on break. I just had to prioritize differently this semester, and that’s why there’s been such a gap in my writing. All is well though, just taking things one day at a time and still loving life. I am blessed, indeed!
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart (from the four of us), thank you so much for raising us. You didn’t just let us grow up, you raised us. You invested into us, loved us, corrected us, and redirected us. You allowed us each the space to be exactly who we are, but also set a foundation of core values that have sustained us and are more apparent to me now that I’m older and grasping just how different people are.
I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks on society, lack of morality and values, and the differences between people who grow up and people who are raised. Truthfully, the general public has made me question a lot and I made the connection that it all starts at home. I have said it in my mind so many times, but the dissolution of family is an atrocity. I believe that wholeheartedly. Family can look differently, but it’s very important to have a parent (or parents) who really do nourish their child(ren). Now more than ever in a society that seems to have its moral fibers barely stitched together by a thread, it is vital to make sure you’re parenting well.
It’s one thing to tell a person what to do, but an entirely different thing to shape them into who they are. Of course it’s up to the person to do what he/she wants to do, but when you build them into someone, they tend to carry that identity wherever they go.
You both did your part in weaving our moral fibers and now we are so well stitched together that it carries over into every aspect of our lives. Mom, you made sure that we were in church from the time we were very little and that opened our young eyes and hearts to the faith that has carried me several times. Thank you! Dad, you may not have taken us to church, but you have instilled plenty of wisdom through your one-liners that still echo in my head and I’m nearly 27! Haha. I will never forget them! Thank you!
“Stand for something, or fall for anything.”
“Don’t do wrong and expect things to work out right.” “Make good choices.” “Don’t start it, don’t take it.” “Watch what’s going on around you.” “Stand for something, even if you stand alone.”
You are both of different temperaments, but you also have both somehow passed on the “feeler” gene. I don’t even know how to put it into words, but it’s that gut feeling that is so strong in all four of us. Highly intuitive, I guess. We “just know.” We are all four different personalities and beings as your children, but we all “just know,” and it’s usually accurate. It’s so weird, but I love it and I love knowing that I can go to my parents and siblings with something or someone and they too can be honest with their thoughts/feelings on a situation so that I know it’s not just me jumping to a premature conclusion. This feeling has saved me from several situations that could have gone terribly wrong and every time I have doubted it, I have paid for it. I have learned now to just trust the feeling in my spirit because it’s there for a reason.
I know that it wasn’t always easy to raise two boys and two girls, I know I had plenty of medical issues as a child (and even as I’ve grown up) that would stress y’all out, I know we weren’t always the most well-behaved or that we didn’t always give you the respect you deserve, but I definitely know that I am so grateful for your parenting skills. So grateful, so blessed to have parents who really do care, really do invest, and still look out for our well-being and best interests although we’re all young adults now. I’m by no means saying we are perfect people, because we are all flawed, but you each gave us a pretty good start on how to live a good life just by being a good person overall.
Thank you for allowing each of us to develop our individual selves but also making sure we stay true to who we are, who we were raised to be, who we are called to be, and who we can become. I have watched too many people try to be too many people (because they don’t know who they are) and they lose grasp and sight of who they truly are. That’s a surefire way to end up compromising yourself for a pseudo existence. I don’t want that, and I’m glad you never encouraged that. We were raised in a house that was very persistent on knowing who you are and not apologizing for being true to ourselves. That matters. A lot. You taught us to love well and accept all people, but not to depend on them for validation or definition of self. Who I am is not dependent on who’s around me, where I am, but what’s within me. Thank you!!! Emotional security is more important now than ever as I’m still recovering, still fighting my neurological battle, still learning this “new normal.” As a young woman in this world and time where everything seems to be constantly morphing, it means everything to me to have a core that is well-developed so that even though everything I know, thought I knew, lost, gained, I am secure enough to know who I am and not change. I have you both to thank for that!
We did not have a perfect childhood or perfect family, but we do have love, authenticity, honesty, faith, laughter, a solid foundation, and that is something that I wish to pass on to my own family, should I be blessed with my own someday. Our home was filled with an interesting blend and balance of honesty and sensitivity. We may not have always seemed like we were listening, but we were absorbing everything and much of it has influenced who I am today.
Thank you for not giving us everything we wanted, but much of it. Thank you for giving us the things that we need, and something that actually lasts an entire lifetime, by giving us a good foundation. Thank you for both being in our lives, day in and day out, in the same household. You taught us to be kind but be honest, use manners, treat people the way you want to be treated, work hard but know when to rest, gain knowledge, be sensitive but strong, love well. We learned by watching you, thank you for the examples.
Thank you so much, dad and mom. You are both awesome people and I love you both so much!!!
When you enter this world, you are given a name, and when you leave this world, you take your name with you. I hope we all carry our names as well as you have trained us to. I love you, thank you.
Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life. It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively. Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!
Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance. It only reinforced that He is still here with me. The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU. I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today. They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again. One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.
Rachel held my journal and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. I couldn’t physically speak because I was intubated, but somehow between all of the medical intervention and medication, I was lucid enough to tell her what I knew in my spirit and soul. Praise God!!! In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.” Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!
I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal. This journey has just been remarkable. So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey. I am blessed to be able to walk it. I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that. Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.
I just see life differently now. I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me. Whatever You need to do, use me. Please.” I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears. As I said before, I am not the crying type. Tears are serious business ’round these parts! Haha :) But I meant it! I still mean it today, and He has been using me. The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy. I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.
I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally overnight. I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly. I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming. My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.” I didn’t want to hear that! I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area. I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately. When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream. “Are you kidding me? This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life? Why would You allow that, God? I thought You wanted good for me? How is this good?”
But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me. He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before. I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time. I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him. I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me. Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat. I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle. He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support. You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind. I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything. He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!
I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do. I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is. I cherish life. I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me. Romans 12:2 reads (NIV) “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” I claim this verse often. Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind. I praise God!
I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life. I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it. Thank you all for joining me on this journey.
As I sit here in a quiet house, the air conditioner is blowing, it’s dark in my room, and I have Ulysees (Justin Nozuka’s newest and most mellow, relaxing album) playing, I find myself in a reflective frame of mind.
Yesterday, I battled with a migraine that began on Saturday night as the storms approached. Barometric pressure headaches are still a prevalent force in my “new normal,” and they are still a (literal) pain to deal with, because nearly nothing works to stop the pain. However, since my city is in a severe drought, I still gave thanks to the Provider of the rain. We are in desperate need and that is no exaggeration. I stayed home from church, which isn’t what I wanted to do, but it’s what I felt best to do. I know my tolerance levels and different “types” of headaches. For this kind of headache (which seems like an understatement), it is best for me to be as mellow as possible. Very little light, very little noise, very little motion. So that’s what I did, and I still gave Him thanks for the rain, still reflected on what He’s done, who He is, and how He works in my life.
Then it hit me.
“I go back to school tomorrow, then there are just about two weeks of class before our finals. That’s so awesome!” But wait, this will be the first time I’ve taken a final since May 2008 which is the last time I was a student in a traditional classroom setting. I consider myself forever a student of life. :) Anyway, I started thinking about where this school journey began. It was because of my seizure last year that I had to go see my neurologist, who then pointed me to the agency where I see my vocational counselor, who sent me for testing and we determined I would go back to school, where I am now studying for my bachelors of science in radiologic technology. No seizure, no school. Pretty much, that’s the story I would be telling. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go back to school, it’s that I had no idea where to start or if I even could. Hours and hours of neuropsychological testing, paperwork, several appointments and inventories over a period of 9 months led me to where I am today. The neuropsych test results showed areas of deficits, but I do not have a learning disability. I thought “okay, I can do this. I’ll do this.” I had to do all of the typical college student admissions process, transfer in my credits from previous schooling, financial aid… You know, all of that. It was frustrating because I am honestly type A when it comes to “work stuff.” Everything is on a schedule, I ask for clarification over and over again because I don’t want to mess up anything or delay anything. I was that way before my aneurysm, and I’m even more like that now because it helps me stay on track. My vocational counselor has been so incredibly encouraging and calming throughout everything, as have my closest friends who have offered their input and support. I remember the early days of “if I go to school, what will I study? What do you see me doing?” texts and phone calls to my friends and family. I freaked out, I prayed, and then I chose the option that showed up in 3 areas of my career profile: radiographer.
The morning of the day I had the seizure (that afternoon), I posted a screen shot of the verse of the day from my Bible app. This was well before I had the seizure, and it continues to shape the path I’m traveling. The scripture is Proverbs 19:21 which reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” I’ll tell ya what, my plans for that day were not to have a grand mal seizure, spend the afternoon in the ER, have to deal with the emotional backlash of “If I left the house like I had planned, I could’ve killed us/someone else on the highway,” or the state of being postictal. Not my plans at all, but maybe that event was part of His plans for me. I’m not saying God said “I want Robin to have a seizure today,” but I am saying (once again) that He can use whatever he wants to steer me in another direction. In ICU in 2012, I did tell Him “However You want to use me, please do it. Thank You for this chance to live again, my life is Yours.” Don’t pray about something if you don’t mean it. He surely will use it!!!
He has been using all of this to shape me, and it’s a grueling but incredible experience. I look back and see so much progress that I really can’t even believe. I just wish I could’ve taken a photograph of my mind early 2012, vs now. The differences would be stark in contrast to say the least. I still have my “down days,” but I am also still hopeful everyday. It isn’t easy to maintain a mindset of positivity, but it makes the road less challenging to travel! The mind and body are interconnected and I have zero doubts of that, now more than ever.
My deficits show themselves in the world of academia, much more clearly than anywhere else. Even when I was working, I didn’t notice them as much as I do around class. It probably has something to do with the types of classes I’m taking this semester, as well as it “only” being two years since the stroke/surgery, first time in school in 5 1/2 years, and still healing. To compensate, I keep a very structured planner, it’s color coded (as are all of my classes) and I try to keep my sleep schedule as close to the same time every night as is possible. I stay in touch with my professors whether I see them in a traditional setting or an online class, I seek out extra help if I’m not understanding, and I have done a lot of “letting it go.” I have to just realize that things aren’t the same as they were before, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what’s required of me. I can, it just has to be done differently now and I have to show myself patience, persistence, and positivity. I realize that I’m taking a massive leap by even attempting this, but I know my spirit, and it’s not one that backs away from a challenge. I was born fighting (for my life, at 24 weeks gestation) and I know I will live and die just the same way. That’s okay! It matters to be persistent and consistent, just like it matters to know when to push and when to back away. I’m learning how this all works. I’m getting brexercise (brain exercise) and acquiring new knowledge both in and out of the classroom everyday. I am grateful!
I’m just really in awe of all that’s transpired since February 2012. It’s really remarkable. I go back through pictures and the journals I kept in those early days, and it motivates me to keep pushing. If those were the worst days, surely I can continue through the tough days I have now. Surely the friends who have managed to still be here for me will still help me through, and I know my family will support me. It will all be okay! I can’t (and won’t) ever stop thanking Him for this opportunity, or asking Him to keep leading my way, because if this isn’t what He wants for me, I don’t want it either. :)
I know I’ll probably reach a point of information overload while studying for finals (I’m in 5 classes and 1 lab–full schedule for real), but I also know that my strict scheduling/organization towards school will help me through. I know that still thanking Him, seeking Him, and believing His word “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is true will carry me through. I’m gonna give it my best shot! No doubt about it!
Just felt like writing this afternoon.
Hope you’re all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are! If you’re going through something, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!
If y’all are wondering where I’ve been, I’ll tell you that I have been extremely busy with one of my best friend’s weddings. :) She and her husband had their wedding August 17, and I was the maid of honor. :) I just wanted to write a little something for the two of them, so here we go.
August 17 marked exactly 18 months since the day I came home from the hospital, last year and it’s also when my new life began all on my own, outside of the confines of hospital walls with skilled neurosurgeons, nurses, therapists and staff there to keep me safe. This girl literally held my hand, and she was the first person to speak up to a neurosurgeon in Dallas about the headache I had while they were trying to determine the cause of my brain bleed. She told him “she’s had a headache for 3 days” and that’s when he said “oh, that changes everything.” The necessary steps were taken, next, to find the aneurysm that was slowly (but rapidly) taking my life away from me.
I know that Rachel and I have been best friends for the past 13-14 years, but you don’t ever think of your best friend having to say or do something that could literally save your life. You don’t look at your best friend and think “gee, someday he/she may be holding my hand while I’m in a medically induced coma because my brain is bleeding, and swelling, and I’m slowly dying.” You don’t think that, but that’s what happened.
Aww! This is Rachel holding and kissing my hand before anyone really understood what exactly was going to happen. She’s been such a faithful and good friend throughout all of this! She was even being respectful that I may not want pictures of my face shown, so she posted one that shows love but isn’t too telling, either!
Rachel,
Thank you so much for dropping everything to be at my side on that cold February night. I have zero recollection of that event (or any events for a good 9 days), but I have photographic proof that you were right there by my side. Thank you for your prayers, your friendship, and being the first person to visit me when I came home on February 17, 2012. :) I love you! I know I wasn’t feeling awesome, I didn’t even really seem like “me,” but you stuck by me through all of that, and I appreciate it. Thanks for all of the good times, the laughter, and as things slowly got “back to normal,” we just kind of picked up where we left off.
I’ll miss times like these:
Hahaha dancing in your old apartment. I believe we were listening to “Whip My Hair” :)
The “must have” Sunday nap after church!! Also, this was one of our first “normal” days after I came home last year. :)
Hahahahahaha. There probably are no words to describe what was really happening here. Typical of us to be cracking up at something, and it was probably really dumb. Something only we would find hilarious. :) :)
Girls day out!!! :) Ya know, just showing our rockstar sides in mama’s bathroom! I think this was in 2008!
Waaaay back in your UTD days! Lunch with you, Laura, and mama!
NeedToBreathe with you and mama in Dallas! My first live concert (and I got to see Seth Bolt hahaha) since this “new life” began. :) I loved all of it!
Thanksgiving 2011 with you, Amanda and family. Just mere months before everything changed. P.S., You and I are both really short. Hahaha.
Thanksgiving 2012 with you, Marcus, Amanda and family/friends!
The night that you, Ali and I went to dinner and a movie. I love girls nights with y’all. :)
Just one of those random shots we always captured. Crazy hair and lovin’ it!
Panama Cityyy!!! Spring break 2011. Best. Trip. Ever! Hahaha I loved it, and I loved that you, Amanda and I went and didn’t even get reckless, but we had a great time anyway!
Spring break 2011! Just getting ready in the hotel room, hanging out and having fun :)
Sarah got married 23 months (exactly) before you, and you two have been my closest friends since I was 12. I love you both, dearly, and I’m glad that we got to have this picture during Spring break!
Before Caleb made his way into the Army. :)
I think this was the first day of 2011, I know it was New Year’s day and at first I told you I didn’t like this picture because it wasn’t cute. Hahaha then I looked again and decided otherwise. :)
So many memories, and these are a very small portion of the pictures we have taken over the years. That’s okay, though, can’t put them all on here. That would probably take a year or so. Moving onward… While I will always miss and cherish those times,
I am glad I got to be a part of times like these:
One of my favorite pictures of you and Marcus (so far) and one of the first times I actually “saw” the love you two share. :) I love it!
Hahahaha. Watching you two together is such an experience, even when Marcus puts you up on the refrigerator for a “time out.” Keep that playful love alive throughout the years, and always remember to laugh!
Love this one!! The day we went to pick Caleb up after his deployment. You two are so silly, it’s amusing to watch. :)
Your first bridal shower. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and I am so glad I got to be there, by your side, doing my MOH duties. I love you girls!!
I was in charge of the food and drinks for the lingerie shower/bachelorette party. I think it turned out pretty well! We just kind of did an appetizers thing, because we all went out to dinner (mmm, steak) and didn’t want to eat too much beforehand. Vegetables and ranch dip, fruit and fruit dip that I made, “better than sex” cupcakes, and a sparkling pink punch made of frozen lemonade, sparkling white grape juice, and club soda!
Just one of my contributions to Rachel’s lingerie shower/bachelorette party. Better than sex cupcakes that took for-ev-er to make, but they were well worth it!! They are very rich and you should probably only eat one, but I’m pretty sure we all had two or three hahah.
^This is the recipe for those devilishdelicious cupcakes: http://centercutcook.com/better-than-sex-cupcakes/ You’re welcome, and I’m sorry in advance for any weight you may gain. :) Also, thank you and shout out to my ultra talented sister, Kayla, for making the homemade icing from scratch. That made the cupcakes even better!
Oh, Bella dog! If I am at that house, this girl is somewhere near me. I was just trying to enjoy my snacks and she refused to leave me. Haha!
Headed out to dinner on the night of the shower/party :)
All of that was fun (and delicious), but it doesn’t compare to being able to stand next to your best friend on her wedding day, when, had anything gone differently 18 months and 12 days earlier, you may not have been present at all.
I was thrilled to be present for memories like these:
The night of the rehearsal, after the dinner. The bridal party all met up at a hotel for some friendly competition (Battle of the Sexes board game) and we had to pose for a silly picture before saying goodnight. :) I love it!
But nothing compares to being alive to be a part of memories like these:
The colors were Tiffany Blue and a true red. They were beautiful. :) I chose a one shouldered dress and kept my jewelry simple because of the bow on the shoulder. :) Just hanging out in the bridal room before the ceremony began!
The three of us bridesmaids!! We all chose different dresses, but kept the same color. I actually love how it all came together. We all wore red shoes, though. :) Whitney is in the center, and Amanda is on the right!
Me and Amanda! :)
The groom’s sister, Shatera, is the one who took this shot. I love it! Mr. and Mrs. Anderson as they exited the church building after the ceremony :) I think this is my favorite picture from a guest’s point of view, so far!
I believe Laura captured this shot. The bride and groom had their first dance. So sweet :)
After being serenaded by Ben (the brother of the bride), I can honestly say I will never hear this song the same, ever again hahaha.
I really, really, really wish the videographer could have recorded my reaction. Amanda, Whitney and I were standing on the side of the dance floor cracking up at Ben’s serenade. It was priceless.
Now, to get serious, I have a few things to “say” to you, Rachel and Marcus. I could have said all of this during my toast at the reception, but y’all should know that I’m really not going to stand up in front of all of those people and say this much. Haha it’s easier through writing. :)
First of all, always remember to love one another from a standpoint of selflessness, because that’s what love really is. Love is not an emotion, it’s a choice, and it’s a choice that each of you will have to make everyday, whether you “feel like it” or not. I love you both. Remember this, and practice it daily in your interactions with each other:
A cup I saw in a coffee shop the morning after the wedding when I was running some errands with the bride’s mama! God loves us graciously, and if we are to love as He loves, we are to love one another using grace, as well. Practice it everyday!
Marcus, if you really ever have to apologize to her, you could always just buy her one of these!
The Rolex the mother of the bride was wearing on the wedding day!
Hahahaha, I’m kidding.
Seriously, though, just like I said in my toast, “you passed the test.” I have liked you since the afternoon we sat down together in Starbucks to have the “what are your intentions” talk. I liked your gentleness, but bold sense of honesty. You have a calm presence, but one that also means business. I like that about you. I like that you see beneath the surface, and that you have a strong spirit. I love that you are both silly, but deeply loving and caring. I think that you make a great match for my best friend, and I can’t wait to watch your love with her progress over the years.
Thank you for including me in the fun of engagement planning, ring shopping, and making me keep that secret from her. I loved it!! Thank you for the times you’ve reached out to me, offered an encouraging word, and have just been real with me. I appreciate that more than I can even write or say. But most of all, Marcus, Thank you for being a real man in today’s world of imitations and lowered standards. It shows, you know.
To you both, Apologizing in sincerity, though is something that will serve you two well. Say it with words, show it through action and do the work it takes to make your marriage last. I believe you both want to have that “happily ever after,” but it takes effort. Give it all you’ve got. Love each other well, and respect each other as well. :)
Also, do your marriage with a party of three, in the shape of a triangle. God is at the top, and you two are at the bottom corners. The closer you two get to Him, individually, the closer the two of you become to one another. Remember that the purpose of marriage is to glorify God and is to be a picture of how Christ loves the Church. :) Show each other love and respect, and safeguard your marriage by working through your issues together. Remember that it’s okay to seek help when/if you need an objective opinion, and always pray through everything.
I love you both, I’m glad that I was able to take part in your special day, and I wish you (and pray for) both many years of happiness and fun, even through the difficulties. Keep your eyes on Him. I know we are separated by hours and miles, but we can visit one another and still maintain a solid friendship. That’s what I’m here for, ya know! :) I know that although I could choose to see it as I’m “losing” Rachel, I am actually gaining an incredible friend and brother in Marcus. :)
I wanted to wait to post this until after y’all came back from your honeymoon, and I hope Costa Rica was full of rest and adventure. I know we were all resting most of this week. Weddings take a lot out of you, but it was well worth it! Once again, I love you both!!!
There’s a little girl who makes a big impact in my life. I met her on August 1, 2009, and she has touched my heart ever since I first saw her. We instantly bonded, and we are still pretty close. She is not my child (I don’t have any children), and we are not blood related, but she calls me her aunt and I call her my niece. :)
Today, that girl is four years old. Awww! I don’t want her to be a grown up. I just want her to stay little, innocent, and sweet forever!! She is so funny, seriously. She has a sassy side, but she’s extremely sweet. She really does care about the people around her, and you just know that she’s going to grow up to have a huge heart. I will see her tomorrow since I can’t make it to her birthday party tonight, but I am sure we will have a fun day tomorrow! It’s a surprise, she doesn’t know that my sister and I are picking her up early from school to take her on a “date.” It’ll be a blast. My sister and my little love, two of my favorite ladies on the planet!
I used to nanny for her and that was a great experience. She brought me a lot of smiles then, and the older she gets, the more fun we have. She has a huge personality, but she also likes to stick to who she knows. She’s funny when she dances, she cracks me up when she says crazy things that kids say, and I love when she just wants to be around me. If I paint my nails, little love paints her nails. The last time I had her, she asked me to change into a yellow shirt so I would look like her. We went to the movies and she loved it. When we got home, she instantly went to grab Finding Nemo and Lion King (because she always has to watch them when she’s over here) for us to watch. We watched Nemo this time haha. The next morning, she kept asking me “Robin, is it time to go to church?” I told her that we had to eat breakfast and get dressed first. As soon as we finished breakfast, “Robin, is it time for church?” I said “No, babe, we have to do your hair and put on your pretty dress.” She also insisted on wearing her princess sunglasses I bought her the night before. Hahahah. She is so funny.
I love how she really listens to me, and how well behaved she is. I love conversing with her, because she’s only 4, but she talks like a grown up. I treat her like she’s a miniature adult, because I don’t think you have to baby kids. She is a child and that’s good, but it’s important to treat them like the little humans they actually are so they develop good social skills. She’s incredible!!! She is beautiful, I love her curly hair and I love how much she loves me. She has taught me so much about life, myself, what it takes to raise a child (I have a good idea haha), and hope in the past 4 years… I hope we are friends forever!
Happy fourth birthday, little love and I will probably show you this post tomorrow so that you can see yourself on the computer hahah!
Just a collage I made on my phone earlier this morning. These are just 9 of the many pictures I have of the two of us. :) The third picture in the middle row is my favorite, because that was her idea. Her reasoning was “Robin, what if we closed our eyes and put our thumbs up? Then people would laugh at us!” How can you say no to that?! :)
This is my 100th post (!!!!!!!) since starting this blog, and I’m sitting on the porch, it’s a rainy cool morning, I just finished some breakfast. I’m listening to music, thinking, and thanking God for all that He’s doing in my life. I am in total awe of how if you give faithfully with what you’ve got, He is able to do more than you could ever even dream.
I’m extremely creative, my mind goes to places undiscovered, I’m always thinking, always dreaming, always wondering. But I could have never imagined this. I could have never imagined having a brain aneurysm, much less surviving a brain aneurysm rupture that nearly cost me my life. I could have never imagined the support that could and would be shown to me.
I could have never imagined life with a brain injury, yet that’s the life I’m living. Every time I had ever heard about a brain injury, it was because of the war(s). I heard about wounded veterans and the difficulties they face trying to readjust to civilian life, or life where they aren’t in imminent danger and on guard. I always felt a sense of compassion towards them, because I have faced struggles long before my brain burst. I didn’t know what it was like to be in “their” shoes, but I did know what it was like to hurt, and because of that, I felt deeply for them. I didn’t think it could ever happen to me. I didn’t even know what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured! Talk about a wake up call. Talk about feeling like you’re living in an alternate universe and dream. I could have never imagined this would be me. In fact, as arrogant as it may sound, if you had told me on the morning of February 4, 2012 that I would be very near death by 10 PM that night, I would have laughed in your face. “Me? Yeah, right. I’m 24 and invincible,” I would have replied. Umm, apparently not.
God has always had some kind of other plan for my life. I came into this universe unexpectedly, and I have dealt with (and survived) all kinds of unexpected situations throughout my life. I never really adjust to it, but I just deal with it. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen in my life, but I am trusting The One who gave me life. I know that He has plans far greater than I could ever dream (Ephesians 3:20-21), and I know that He will right the wrongs. I know that I am here for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and that none of this is in vain. I don’t always understand it, I become extremely frustrated, wearied, battered, but I am pressing on. (Philippians 3:10-14) I do know that I would have never chosen this route, this lifestyle, this path for my life, but I am trusting that He has gone before me and He is straightening my paths. (Proverbs 19:21) (Proverbs 3:5-6)
This all seems so wrong, seems so harsh, seems so… Desperate. I get angry, I question God, I fight where I am, and I fight to get better. I have learned that there is quite a thin line between bitter and better, and it starts with I. They’re even only one letter difference in spelling. Let that sink in. I wonder why my life has never been normal, I wonder why I never got to live the life that all of the other seemingly carefree 20-somethings are living, not a worry in the world. I realize that I have to fight against the negative thoughts that try to hold me captive. Negativity just drains you and holds you back from what you actually could accomplish. My life didn’t take the same path as your average “20 something” because it isn’t supposed to. I just have to quit questioning why, and come to a place of acceptance. I don’t have to be happy about it, but I need to reach that plateau so I continue the climb up this mountain. I think that the more I just quit fighting it, the more peace I find and the more I’m able to say “Thank You” and just accept it. It’s a fight though, believe me.
So bitter, or better? Which do I choose? I feel bitter as I let the pain and questioning hold my mind captive, then better when I realize I am given crazy awesome, unique opportunities to share my experience with the world. I am given the opportunity to see another day. Someone hears my story and asks about me, tells a friend they’re praying for me. Strangers will approach my family, approach my friends, approach me and tell me how glad they are that I’m here, how strong I am, how much proof I am that God still works miracles. That is such an incredible gift. I am always reminded to keep pressing on, to keep the faith, keep the fight. Opportunities and heartfelt acknowledgment of my struggles and realizing that through my struggles, I am able to point towards Him, makes all of this worth it. I have said it before, and I still believe it today, I am merely a vessel. My life is not my own. I am here for a purpose, and it has nothing at all to do with me. I guess God just knows that I can handle it, and He sees me through it. Sure enough, my tests are turning into testimonies, and I am grateful.
I am in awe at the ways in which He makes all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) God has truly been good to me. Since day one, He has protected me. I don’t understand the ways in which He works (Isaiah 55:8-9) or why, but that’s okay. I am just grateful to have the opportunities that I do have.
I am grateful for the incredible care I’ve received from all of the doctors, nurses, therapists, and medical staff. I am grateful for the people in my life who encourage me, strengthen me, remind me of who I am, walk beside me, walk behind me, walk with me. I am grateful for the eye opening events that have forced me to face my mortality at a young age (24 then, 25 now), so that I can live the rest of my life with a true understanding of just how quickly this could all escape me. I am grateful to have a clear understanding of who and what truly matters in this life, and how I’m able to avoid those people and situations that I know aren’t worth the energy. So many people expend so much energy on fleeting, insignificant, material pursuits in this life. They don’t “get it” and I do. I “get it” at a young enough age to where if I’m blessed to continue a long life, I will live wholeheartedly because I will always be appreciative of what’s before me. That’s what life is about. Life is about recognizing where you are, accepting where you are, and truly taking it all in with your whole heart. Most people don’t live that way, and I do, because of this experience. Thank You, Lord.
I don’t wish this pain, hurt, struggle, frustration, anger, uncertainty, isolation, confusion, or experience on anyone. But if you can look at me, read my words, comprehend what I’m saying, please just be grateful with your life. Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Don’t take a single second for granted. Don’t get so caught up in tomorrow that you forget to live today. Don’t stay so stuck on yesterday that you lose sight of right now. Life is fleeting, life is beautiful even in its ugliness. Life is a gift, and it should be cherished. I’m just grateful to be here to cherish right now, even in the midst of the hurt.
I’m just really in awe. Thank you all for everything, I really mean it.
Yes, I have a face. Haha this is the person behind all of these words :)
Be blessed, everyone! Keep the faith, keep the fight!!!
There are songs that you love, just because they’re good songs. Then there are songs you love because you can relate to the lyrics and emotions. Ever since my brain lost its mind (haha), I have found new meaning in some of my favorite songs. I can easily find myself tearing up or tears falling as I listen to the words and truly let the emotions sink in. I am so grateful that I didn’t lose any hearing, or ability to comprehend language. That would really be catastrophic to me. Music helps me heal, helps me understand, helps me relax, helps me breathe, helps me feel, helps me know that at some point in time, someone, somewhere once felt as I feel. Anyway, here are a few of those songs. :)
Standout lyrics: Basically the entire first verse haha… “If you could soldier on, headstrong and through the storm, I’ll be here waiting on the other side. Don’t look back, the road is long. The first days of the war are gone. Take back your former throne, and turn the tide.” “I know pain is just a place where the will has been broken.” Basically, don’t give up. Keep moving forward, and keep fighting. “I’ll be here waiting on the other side” reminds me of me not feeling like myself, fighting through all of this mess, but finding out that “on the other side,” I’m still me. That positive, optimistic, courageous girl is still in there. Don’t focus on the past, but instead, “take back your former throne and turn the tide.” Take your life back, and blaze on ahead. Don’t let this reduce you or break your spirit. You keep fighting, and you never stop. :)
Standout lyrics: “We all have a weakness, some of ours are easy to identify.” “If I turn into another, dig me up from under what is covering the better parts of me.” “So when sickness turns my ego up, I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.” I could probably stop right there. That first line is so… Poignant and so relevant to brain injury. You can’t see the injury, but it’s there and it has an affect on everything we do. Brains don’t heal like bones. Once it’s injured, you just have to figure out how to live with it. It hurts. Some days you feel normal again, but most days you don’t. You just kind of deal with it. This song also makes me feel how important it is to have someone there for you. Someone with whom you can be your most raw, primal, true self. Someone whose love for you overshadows any outrageous emotions/behavior you might exhibit throughout this wilderness that is brain injury. (Preferably) Someone who knew you before you got sick, so that they can remind you of who you are. That your brain injury does not define you, even if it changed you. “You” are still in there, somewhere. They aren’t afraid to go into the depths to love you and show you who you are.
Standout lyrics: “This is my prayer in the fire. In weakness, or trial, or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord, through the flame. I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare, ‘God is my victory, and He is here.'” “This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise I’ll stand. I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare, ‘God is my victory, and He is here.'” “All of my life, in every season. You are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship!” This. Song. I love it so much! I could not have gotten through what I’ve been through without God (or the people He’s placed in my life) and my faith is very important to me. However, I will not lie and say I don’t struggle. Why? Because I keep questioning why a “good God” would allow all of these painful experiences to happen to me. Wasn’t being born so premature and literally fighting for my life since the second I was born enough? Weren’t all of the painful experiences enough?Don’t You care about me, God? Don’t You see I’m tired of the struggle, I’m tired of the fight? Don’t You know my heart? Don’t You know I’m over this now? Why can’t You ever just tell me what lessons You want me to learn instead of making me go through all of this mess?All questions I’ve honestly asked Him, then felt bad about asking Him. He gave me life, and He continues to let me live. Am I even “allowed” to ask Him questions? Am I even “allowed” to be mad? Then I realize, I am just a vessel. Perhaps none of this has anything to do with me, but through my struggles, I am able to truly reach others. Through my struggles, others are able to identify and feel safe. I have God on my side, what reasons do I have to complain? This song is just a reality check for me. It reminds me to keep trusting Him, even when I don’t understand (which is huge for me, I’m extremely inquisitive and have to have a plan) what is going on in my life. I know He has never forsaken me, not one time even when I’ve felt like I’m an island, lost in the wilderness with no idea how to get out… He is still with me. It makes me still give Him thanks and praise for all that He is doing in my life. I know the war isn’t over, but I know that I will continue to fight as long as I have a pulse and air in my lungs. I know that in the end, I will prevail and I know that God is already there. It’s like my grandma tells me “you grow through what you go through.” :) When I listen to this song, I feel empowered, I feel like I have no choice but to fight, I feel like I have no choice but to say “thank You,” and give Him praise through these struggles. This song reaches my heart and says “onward we go.”
That’s all I’ve got for now, I have been thinking about writing and posting this, but haven’t gotten around to it until now. Hope that y’all are all doing well, wherever you are. Just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight! :)
Faith, by fire. 