“If at first you don’t succeed,

dust yourself off and try again.”

Read this quote and loved it! It’s a perfect reminder to just keep going!

At the end of Spring 2014 semester, I felt accomplished, but a piece of me also felt let down.  Yes, I went back to school and I really sought to learn.  I sought to do more than just memorize, I wanted to learn new information, retain it and be able to recall it.  I attended classes, I attended labs, I did projects, I studied, I passed tests, I failed tests.  I was tired, but I still got up and went.  I had awful barometric pressure headaches, which led to concentration and focus issues, and memory lapses.  I still fought through it.  In the end, though, I let myself down because I didn’t reach the goals I had set out for myself. Also because of the standards set for me by the people who are walking through this journey with me, I felt as though I let them down, and that is the last thing I want to do.  There is nothing more I hate than disappointing myself or having someone disappointed in me, and there is no one who is more difficult on me than I am.

So what was the solution?  First, I was absolutely exhausted.  Mentally drained and stressed because I needed to revise the game plan.  The number one item on my itinerary was crossing graduate May 2017 off of the list.  Did I want to do that?  Absolutely not.  Did I need to do that?  Absolutely!  I remember sitting in the parking lot outside of my advisor’s office and I thought “Robin, get over yourself.  You wanted this, but you also need to learn to make adjustments.  Remember when you began this journey last September?  What did you promise yourself?  Now hold true to that.  You hate when people lie to you, so don’t lie to yourself.  You can do this, so get up and do it.”

 

That was it for me.  I went to meet with my advisor, and together we revised my schedule.  I chose to take one less class so that I could gain better footing on “how to college,” and give myself adequate time to adjust to this new season.  I honestly did too much too quickly in my first semester back to the world of academia.  A 6 year break in school wouldn’t be kind to many people, and that holds doubly so for someone with a brain injury mostly manifesting itself in cognitive deficits.  I know I write well, but that’s also not the area of my brain that is most damaged.  Brain injury is such a strange adventure because often, you can’t even tell that there’s anything “wrong” until you’re in a certain situation.  I recall plenty of times I’d be right in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was trying to say. Or I’d have studied information for a test and knew it like the back of my hand, then get to the actual test, allow anxiety to overtake me, and end up doing subpar.

That was not okay with me.  I am of the mindset that if I’m not going to make the best of what I have and apply 100% (and then some) of myself, then I may as well just stop doing what I’m doing. There is no reason for me to waste my time, money, energy or anyone else’s. I know God did not leave me here to just “maybe” do well and be well.  He left me here in as great of condition as He did (all things considered) to really embrace what I’m capable of, and I knew I was capable of more than what I ended up with at the end of the semester.

After working with my advisor and vocational rehabilitation counselor, we all agreed on a new plan for the next few semesters and I am very happy to report that it worked!  I saw my neurologist in October as well and I am still seizure free, praise God!  I still have some scary moments where I have what I believe are seizure auras, but they stop there.  I still experience severe migraines due to the barometric pressure, but something has changed.  I believe with a bit less stress on my mind, I’m better equipped to deal with physical pain.  I chose to go to school every day (M-F) and take all 8 AM classes when my mind was fresh, that made a huge difference, as did taking all my classes traditionally, face to face lectures.  I still made it a point to sit in the front or as close to the front and center as possible, and I took very, very detailed notes.  I stepped up, took initiative and really pushed myself to stay disciplined with studying, reaching out for clarification to help myself grasp concepts, and in constant contact with my professors, neuro team, advisor, and counselors.  I am proud of me!  

After final grades, I raised my GPA up to a 3.3 and a 3.0 cumulative.  I only plan on going up from here!  I am proud of me, and I am really looking forward to next semester and beyond.  I have no doubts now that I can do this college thing, and Fall 2014 proved it to me. Yes, because my program of study is only offered once a year, I delayed my graduation by a year, but that’s okay.  The goal is to finish strong, not necessarily quickly.  I know I couldn’t keep going the pace at which I began, so I slowed down my run to a steady jog and I’m going to keep running this race until I reach that finish line.  Let’s do this!

Hope all is well with you, wherever you are!  I will be have to write more while I’m out on break.  I just had to prioritize differently this semester, and that’s why there’s been such a gap in my writing.  All is well though, just taking things one day at a time and still loving life.  I am blessed, indeed!

Remember, keep the faith, keep the fight!

Still living well.

Shane and Shane! :) This song.  I just love it so much and the lyrics randomly entered into my mind this morning, so I have to share it!

 

I’ve been busy this month, but doing well.  Trying to get everything planned for a best friend’s wedding, and just enjoying life.  I’m just really grateful to even be here.  Even when things don’t go my way, I don’t understand what God is doing, or if He’s doing anything at all, I’m reminded of the painful parts, I am grateful.  I know that all of this is coming together in ways I can’t even imagine.  I also know that He gifted me with a beautiful imagination haha.  But He is above and beyond anything I can see or dream.  See Ephesians 3:20-21 :)

Anyway, yesterday (February 17) marked one year since I came home.  I remember that day so vividly.  The last time I saw the sun was the day of February 4, 2012. As I left the hospital on February 17, 2012,  I remember everything seeming so new and so beautiful.  Haha I felt like “the new girl in town.”  I know that seems silly, but being inside for 12 days straight and not really seeing nature, then going outside and feeling brisk air on your skin, the sun shining brightly, hearing the sounds of hurried traffic, it just… Feels so new.  I remember being somewhat nauseous and dizzy on that car ride home.  That went away within a couple of weeks, but I was so nervous to live for a while.  Yesterday, I wrote and posted the following status on my Facebook.  I just wanted to share it here, too, so y’all can see where I’m at right now. :)

“I know many of my posts are novel length, but I don’t care!

My heart is on overload right now. Seriously struggling to hold back tears. I came home today, one year ago. The first time seeing the sun in 12 days. But more than that, I saw the Son’s love for me.

He could have let me leave this place. He could have let the words of the doctors hold true, and those 10-20% chances of survival or severe impairment should I survive, could’ve won. I could’ve been dead or severely disabled for one year now. Second time death came knocking at my door, but He said not yet.

Speaking of suffering, and I know He allowed it to literally transform my mind. Ro is my nickname, and 12/2 is my birthday. Romans 12:2 describes this experience so literally (brain attack) and perfectly.

So grateful for life and for how He’s used this to transform my life. Thankful for grace, mercy, and patience.

Life is beautiful, y’all and I am thankful for each aspect of it, whether I would’ve asked for it or not. Thank You, Lord.

Have a blessed day, everyone! Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Remember that, and keep the faith, keep the fight! <3”

I’ll probably come back and write something else in a couple of days, but right now I just feel like sitting outside basking in the sun and painting.  Speaking of which, I’ll show y’all a painting I did for a friend in Alabama.  He asked me via Twitter back in December if I’d make him a canvas after I had posted some I made.  I said sure, but I didn’t get around to it with the holidays and all.  Anyway, his birthday was February 15, so I made him this and sent it out as a surprise.  He and his family loved it, and I had fun making it.  This was not my intended design at all, but I actually loved the way it turned out!! :)

There are two separate canvases, each 11×14.  Vinyl letters, grey, red, and white paint came together to make his favorite verse.  I painted them messy because we humans are messy and God’s love for us purifies us each day.  We’ll never be perfect, but God’s love in us is perfect.  Taylor LOVED them!!  Haha that’s what I was aiming for.  I think I’m gonna paint a few more, since I got some supplies last week at Michaels with my 50% off coupon, and the canvases were on sale. :)

Hope y’all are all doing well, and stay blessed!!

One year annie-versary!!!

Wow.  Officially one year!  As a matter of a fact, as I type this, it really may literally be one year to the minute.  Haha I don’t remember the exact time, but I do remember it was around 9:30 PM the night of February 4, 2012 that my aneurysm ruptured!  It’s just 9:37 PM, now.

I don’t have much to say because I’m feeling rather introspective, I have a slight headache, and I’m mostly tired.  I just wanted to blog a little bit to make sure I say something on this day.

I’ve learned a lot in this past year, and I continue to learn more everyday.  Life is a gift, a blessing, and should be cherished.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  We just always go about our days as though we’re guaranteed the days following.  That is not always the case.  Some people won’t see tomorrow, some won’t even see the end of the day.  That’s why it’s important for us to make each day count, instead of trying to count the days.

 
I’m just really grateful, and really humbled by this experience.  I still have rough days, I am still in shock that this is my real life, I am still amazed by how much can happen to you.  The year went by so slowly, but once I started dealing with the fact that this was “the new  normal,” it began to fly by.  The quickest and slowest year of my life.  Definitely the most challenging, to date.  But you know?  I feel better for it.  I feel like this has brought me so much closer to God, and I want nothing more than for Him to use me.  I can see Romans 8:28 playing out in real (modern day, and my personal) life, and I’m just really grateful.

So… One year down, and looking forward to the rest of this journey.  I may not know the number of days I have on this Earth, but  I’ll take whatever He’ll give me.  Praise God for bringing me this far, and still carrying me through. I now know that life will throw some pretty tough obstacles in our path, but if we have God on our sides, we can overcome.  It provides a certain level of peace to me. Life is good, my friends.  Life is good!!!  Huge thank you’s to my family and friends who have stuck by me throughout all of this, as well as the “brain buddies” I’ve made because of our shared experiences!  Couldn’t get through without y’all, either!

Be blessed, y’all, and goodnight! :)

The blog I should have posted sooner than this.

Exhale.

Eleven months as of January 4 and 6, 2013.  What?  Is this really my life?  The shock still hasn’t worn off that this is my real life, and I do really count the months since I “died” and have had the privilege of living life right.  My God is an awesome God, that’s all I can really say.  There have been moments in these past 11 months that I have seriously doubted my strength to get through this, doubted that God really thought of me in the midst of all of the world’s problems, doubted if I’d ever be “me” again.  Brain injury will do that to you, though.  It just… Changes you, even if the changes are minor.  I’m definitely not as I was before I got sick, but that’s really okay.  My mom was right when she said that I’d be a “better Robin.”  So, where am I at eleven months (+ 7 & 5 + 19 & 17 days as of this posting haha), you ask? Well…

I am…

Feeling Alive.
In a different way than I felt alive before I got sick.  I remember feeling like life was on steroids, now.  It isn’t as intense as it was when I first came home, but somedays I still become overwhelmed with the greatness of life.  I don’t know if this is just because I am so much more grateful for life, since I’m aware of just how fleeting it is, or if some of it has to do with the brain injury, too.  It’s probably a combination of both.  When I first came home, the colors were brighter, sounds were louder, smells were more intense.  It’s like all of my senses were on overdrive.  It’s lessened, but I do still have days where everything is just so beautiful and I am hyper-aware that I am alive.  It always floods my heart with gratefulness.

Staying Busy.
I am involved at church, I am working truly part time (instead of my old usual two part time jobs, clocking in a minimum of 40 hours a week) hours for the first time in a very long time (it feels weird), filling my time with those closest to me and enjoying every second of it.

Getting Healthier.
People make New Year’s Resolutions every year, and good for them.  However, this is no new year’s resolution, but a lifetime promise to take care of my body to the best of my ability.  I may not be able to control what happens inside of my body, but I do not want to give myself a reason to harm myself. I’ve always been rather petite at just 5’0″ tall, but I can say that I rarely ate the way that I should have been.  That all changed.  I keep joking that “I think they put something back together the wrong way” because I really crave healthy foods!  It’s funny!  If I could, I would easily be able to survive off of grilled chicken, zucchini, pineapple, and raspberries.  Those are my favorite foods.  I just love them!  I’m on a salad kick right now, and if you ever offer me pineapple, raspberries, strawberries, zucchini or grilled chicken, I’ll respond enthusiastically and probably give you a giant hug! :)

Working Out.
Slowly but surely, now that I’m eating correctly, both in types of food and timing of meals, I’ve started working out again.  I did my first Body Pump (by Les Mills) class on Monday, and I am still feeling the after effects.  It honestly hurts so good!!  Like I said before, I’ve always been small, but I guess it’s just my natural build that’s kept me looking small.  Genetics have been good to my body haha.  But now I want to control what I can control, and I really, really, really want to get back to my toned self like I was Sophomore year of high school from doing yoga/Pilates 3 times a week.  I was so fit!  I’ve gained 3 pounds (and haven’t lost them) in the past few weeks which means I’ve been eating enough, now… I’m up to 111.4 which is still pretty small… I wouldn’t mind getting back up to 120-125 if it’s muscle mass!!  That’s what I’m after.  I guess it was fitting, then, that Body Pump happens to be a weights based class. Haha I didn’t know that!  I went into it blindly, and I’m really glad I did.  I think if I had known what the class was, I might have tried to back out from fear that something would go wrong and I’d end up hurting myself.  I’m glad I went through with it.  That first day, though, it was just more about learning proper form when lifting and getting the technique down than actually pushing yourself with more weight.  We had a few different instructors in that class, and I liked them all.  I’m pretty introverted, so class/group exercise has never been my thing… But I really liked that atmosphere.  I also appreciated the instructors coming throughout the room to make sure that everyone’s form was correct.  Don’t want any injuries!  I’ll probably continue on with it, but for right now I’m just trying to let this soreness ease up.  I feel like I did something right, though. :)

A church member.

I finally joined the church I’ve been attending regularly since June 2012 this past Sunday, January 20.  Haha.  I just wanted to go back to my “old” church and talk with my pastor, update him on how I’ve been doing, let him know I really appreciate all he did for me and my family last year, and make sure that I felt like I closed that door properly before opening a new one.  There is absolutely nothing personal, I just feel like the church I’m at now is where I’m supposed to be.   I love it. :)  It’s a Baptist church, and I grew up Assemblies of God, but they both “reach” me.  God is wherever you are.  I’m not one for labels or stereotypes, so I dismiss most of it.  All I know is I serve an awesome God, and He will meet me wherever I am, so long as my heart is open to Him.

Two Weeks Away.
Wow, wow, wow.  I just looked at the calendar and saw that February 6 is exactly two weeks away from today.  What?  It will be ONE YEAR!!!! Ohhhh my gosh!  So two Monday’s from today will be my one year “annie-versary” for the rupture, and two weeks from today will be my “annie-versary” for brain surgery.  I can’t lie, I’ve gotten teary eyed a lot in these past couple of weeks just thinking about how tumultuous, broken, beautiful, and strengthening this past nearly year has been.  I have not ever been through a more unexpected, surprising, hurtful year.  To date, anyway.  Or at least not one that I’ve been conscious of and able to recall on memory.  I can’t remember my first year of life, although I know that was quite the ordeal, too.  Remember, I started out as a 1 pound 8 ounce micro-preemie.  So I’ve had my fair share of illness and the fallout it brings.  But this is just different. I’m so conscious of this, I’m so aware of it all.  I feel… I just feel like even though it broke me down, it also rebuilds me.  I’ve always thought that sometimes in life you have to break to rebuild.  It is beginning to make sense, now.

Still Surprised.
I don’t know when/if this whole aneurysm rupture will ever seem real.  I guess it’s because I literally have zero memory for a good 9 days (the first 9) of my 12 in the hospital.  It still just doesn’t seem real.  Maybe it’s because I’m handling it so much better, now.  Maybe it’s because I believe Romans 8:28 applies very strongly to this situation (and many others in life), maybe it’s because I’m so grateful to be so blessed, I don’t know.  It just still doesn’t seem real and it’s been almost a year.  I haven’t read over the journal that my mom and sister made for me in a while, but just thinking about its contents is enough to make me cry.  It’s just overwhelming, really.

Moving Forward.
What’s next?  I’ve always been future focused.  Always dreaming of what’s next in life, what goals am I shooting towards, what obstacles do I want to conquer?  This year will be big in its own way.  Hopefully big in a lot less dramatic way (at least not in as painful of a dramatic way haha), but it is already shaping itself up to be a year full of changes.  I’m excited about everything, though.  Come March or April, I will have some unique opportunities to work with someone who hosted me for a week in high school when we did our job shadowing week.  This Summer has at least one very special event that I am excited to be a part of… I’m not going to say too much, but this year is already looking pretty good. :)  I’m even thinking of trying to get back into school this  fall, maybe.  I will have to see how I feel about it, pray on it, and make sure I’m prioritizing my life so that I don’t over extend myself, like I’ve been known to do.  I can still move, just slower, these days.  That’s a big lesson to learn when you’re so used to having several irons in the fire.

 

 

Tranquil.
I’m just really at peace, overall.  Life is just good, even when it doesn’t feel so good all the time.  I have a deeper understanding of life’s meaning, what matters and what does not matter.  You cannot buy this in stores.  In fact, I think that the only other people I know who happen to think the way that I do are those who have suffered through something that has dramatically changed their life.  You just realize how to live.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my less than stellar days.  I don’t want to make it sound as though I’m walking around like I’m floating on rainbows amid butterflies.  Haha that is not the case at all, I just know what really matters and what does not.  I know how to separate hard times from a hard life.  I know how to recognize, give thanks for, and count my blessings even in the middle of a storm.  I know that God is going to take care of me, even if I have no idea what in the world He is doing.  I know that I can trust in Him, regardless of what’s going on around me or what challenge I am facing.  That right there will give you a sense of calm and peace that is inexplicable. :)  Life changes, He does not change.  I don’t know what could be more reassuring than that, while living in a world that is constantly morphing.

Blessed.
I am really in awe at how blessed I am throughout all of this.  From the location of the rupture (both in my brain, and the room I was in when it ruptured), to the hospital I was in, to the people that have been in my life for long, long, long before this ever even happened, to the people that are in my life now as a result of this happening… I am so blessed.  God is always weaving His tapestry.  Sometimes I think the colors don’t match, or the patterns are clashing, but He knows what He is doing to create His masterpiece.  Being the artistic type myself, I know that the artist always sees the finished product before they even begin the craft.  Sometimes they alter things along the way, but they create something straight from the heart.  That’s what I’m trusting here.  I absolutely could not have done so well without the mindset I’ve always had, the awesome people standing in my corner, and a God that loves me dearly.  I’m just so blessed.  Beyond all belief or understanding. :)

Well, that’s all for now, because I do need to post this.  I’m also hungry and I made a salad earlier, I just need to go cook my chicken to add to it. :)  I’m really going to make an effort to write more!  I need to just set aside some time each week to sit down and write.  I just get so distracted with life that I don’t stop to write it all down, even though I think “ooh, I should write about this!” haha.  Some things will never change.  Anyway, I hope that y’all are all doing well!  I hope that your year is starting off well, and that you’re continuing to keep the faith, keep the fight throughout your circumstances. :)  Thank you for reading, and be blessed!!

Ten Months!

Yep, that’s right.  Today is officially ten months since surgery!  Praise the Lord that I am here and doing as well as I am.  Today, though, I am migraine stricken.  I finally caved about an hour ago and took half of a Norco.  I hate, hate, hate narcotic pain medication because it just makes me feel way too zoned out, and I don’t like feeling disconnected, really.  Haha.  It took me 5 hours to split the 10 mg in half and do 5 mg.  It has lessened the headache a bit in intensity, but it is still painful.  I know what triggered it, though, and this one is just something that’s gonna have to work itself out, really.  Come to think of it, the headache is behind my right eye.  I’m going to go clean my glasses and put them on like a good girl. My optometrist did tell me to wear them 24/7 (besides sleeping and showering, of course haha) but I almost never wear them.  They help with the eye strain and may even lessen this headache.

 

Okay, glasses on, cold water bottle by my side, Shane and Shane Pandora going… I’m ready to write!

 

Ten months and I’m feeling:

Hopeful: Finally!  The light shines much more than it ever did in the beginning.  Looking back on these past ten months (seriously… It’s been that long? Some days it seems like it’s been years, others it seems like it was yesterday!) I can still safely say that months 1-6 were the hardest.  Obviously, it was a traumatic experience, I had zero idea of what was happening to me, and when I did learn about it, I was terrified.  My entire life changed literally overnight.  I think I’ve handled it well, I’ve been told I handle it so well, and that’s nice… But I can’t deny that I was very hopeless in the beginning.  Just so downtrodden which is so not me.  At all.  Not my mindset, not my attitude, not my outlook.  It was very weird to feel like someone else, but in my same body.  Huge adjustments had to be made, and these days I am pretty hopeful again.  Therapy has helped a lot, staying connected in church, reading my Bible, listening to inspirational music, other survival stories, finding support from others like me… All necessities along the recovery!  Hope is a good thing. :)

 

Agitated: Everyone who knows me knows that I might be petite and soft spoken, but if there is something I am passionate about, I will not hesitate to let it be known.  Now that I have one, brain injury is something I am passionate about.  I will not be quiet, I do not care what you think, either.  It is really, really, really irritating to hear all of the misconceptions and just pure ignorance from people when it comes to people with brain injuries.  It gets me all fired up!  Haha these days, though, I try to take a breather, calm down, don’t get so stressed, and calmly state the way I see things.  You just can’t argue with a fool, though!  Guess what… We are still human beings, our minds (literally) work differently than yours, though.  That’s all.  You don’t have to treat us like we’re contagious, you don’t have to be afraid, you don’t have to think that we might just pass out and start seizing at any moment, you don’t have to think that we’re mentally handicapped, don’t assume that we’re lazy, or careless, and you better not ever let me hear the “R” word.  Ever.  That’s not even cool, and I will definitely call you on it.  It is our job as the ones with the injury to educate those around us… And I try my best, but sometimes the idiocy gets the best of me, no doubt.

 

Shocked:  I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if others who have survived a ruptured brain aneurysm feel this or not, but I am still in shock.  I tell myself all the time “This is not a dream, Robin.  This is your real life.”  Haha this is weird, but sometimes when I would get really nervous about something, I’d just pretend like I was playing a role in a movie and if I messed up (let anxiety/fear get the best of me) my part, I’d ruin the entire movie.  I don’t do that often anymore haha because my real life really does rival a movie script.  But I am still waiting for the part where someone says “Aaaand cut!”  Except no one will say that.  Because this isn’t fake, it is my real life.  This is really real.  What?  Haha how did I get here, again?  It still feels like a twilight zone sometimes.  Maybe it’s because I’m lacking memory of 9 days of February, maybe it’s because the story has only been told to me and shown through pictures, so it seems like just some story with pictures, and not my actual life.  However, I’m reminded on days like today when I have an intense migraine caused by circumstances I can’t control.  Reality check! Haha.

 

Refined:  Ignis Aurum Probat is Latin for “fire tests gold” and before any of this aneurysm stuff ever happened, I would think about how people were always shocked by my premature birth story and how I’ve literally been tested since day one.  Fire tests gold.  That means that there is a purpose behind all of this, even though/if I don’t understand it.  We are always searching for the easiest route to get to the destination.  Proverbs 19:21 reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Can I get an amen?  Do you know how many plans I had for this year that definitely did NOT involve being sick?  Plenty of them!  My plans don’t matter, except now that I have a real-lationship with God, my plans are hopefully in perfect correspondence to His will for my life!  I seriously do not want to waste even a second of this precious life of mine doing things that don’t matter.  I just don’t want to, and it’s taken this serious illness, intense recovery, and slowing down to realize how fragile and fleeting life is to be in this mindset I’m in, now.  I wish it hadn’t taken all of this for me to “get it,” but God will use whatever He has to in order to capture our attention and our hearts.  I’m all His, now, and I don’t care who knows it. :)  The refining process is not the most awesome thing, but it is the most awesome thing.  Growing pains always hurt, but you end up stronger in the end.  I’m thankful.

 

Determined: I am easily one of the most strong willed, stubborn, laser beam focused people I know.  I always say “at least I’m stubborn in the right ways!” meaning I don’t often use my stubbornness to rebel, but to stay steadfast for something that’s good.  Like staying over at work in order to get caught up on something, studying that extra hour even though I think my eyes are going to fall out of my head, continuing to press for something I know will be for a greater benefit, even if I have to sacrifice.  Now that I’ve faced mortality at a young age, I definitely just want to spend the rest of my life making a difference.  I’m not sure how, yet, but I do know that I’m absolutely determined to make an imprint on this world.  Somehow, some way.  Once I get started, too, there’s no stopping me.  I just told a friend last week “You will literally have to declare me dead before I’ll stop fighting.”  I’m not a combative person, but I am very, very, very mentally disciplined to succeed.  Always have been, always will be.

 

Healthy: In spite of having suffered something so catastrophic, and still having some medical issues I know I need to have checked, I am feeling healthy.  Why?  Because… I think they put something back together wrong (hahah jk) but now all I ever crave is healthy food!  It’s so, so, so weird.  But I actually love it!  I love water, I love vegetables, I love eating fruit when I have a sweets (which is rare– I’m not big on sweets, never have been) craving, and I always just want to eat salad.  Before I got sick, I would eat horribly, honestly.  I’m small, at 5’1″ and just over 110 pounds (yep, Thanksgiving helped me gain a little weight haha) but I was definitely (just barely) overweight when I went into the hospital.  I went in at 133-134, and came out at 124.  After coming home, I lost another… Oh… 16-18 pounds?  At my lowest, I got down to 106.  I haven’t been that small in years!!  It’s still in the normal weight range for BMI, but oh my gosh… My size 4 clothing was HUGE on me, and I just got so small!  Haha I decided I did not like that.  I finally have an appetite most days, now, and eating is much easier.  I just continue to stay small (and healthy) because I actually eat right, now!  I’m back in my size 2 jeans, still a size Medium shirt, or sometimes a Small depending on the cut.  Now I just want to get toned up.  Just because I’m tiny doesn’t mean I’m fit.  I want to be toned up again, like I used to be when I did Pilates and ran.  I really want to get back in the gym and start building up some muscle.  Haha I haven’t stepped foot in a gym to work out in years.  Seriously, I’m just naturally small!  Anyway, that’s one of my next goals is building muscle, getting back in the gym to exercise regularly (it certainly can’t hurt), and getting all toned up. :)  I know people do this every new year where they get their gym membership, determined for “this” to be “the year” that they reach whatever goal they have… But this isn’t something I want as a yearly thing, I want it as a lifestyle change.  I see now, just how important it is to be as healthy as you can.  I don’t know why I had a brain aneurysm, I don’t know if I will have another brain aneurysm, either way, I probably can’t control the outcome.  I can control what I eat, whether or not I choose to exercise, I can stay away from alcohol, I can never smoke, I can make sure I watch my blood pressure (even though it’s normal most of the time–aside from the occasional white coat syndrome) and I know that exercise and eating right can assist in all of that.  I’m ready, ready, ready to take control where I am able to take control!  Definitely looking forward to building my “summer body.” Haha I already lost a lot of weight, so I’m at a good starting point to just build up from here.  I’m also blessed to have a wonderful friend who is a fitness pro, who can help me with an exercise regimen that isn’t too burdensome given the fact that I do have to do life a bit differently, now.

 

Which leads me to my next blog entry… :)

Birthday Recap and Other Adventures!

Well hey, y’all! I am still alive!  Haha.  I just didn’t really get a chance to come back here and edit that last entry I posted.  That’s okay, though. :)

To bring y’all up to speed on my birthday, I had a wonderful day.  I’m still celebrating it, and probably will for the rest of December! Haha that seems to be a tradition for me, and I really don’t think anyone will object to my month long celebration this year, for certain.  It’s just that my friends/family and I are spread out, life gets busy with the holidays, work, finals (college!), and… Life, that I don’t always get to celebrate the way I want to, so we just always spread it out!  On Sunday, I went to church and then was treated to birthday lunch (and yummy dessert!) by Rachel’s mom.  She, Rachel, my mom, my sister Kayla, and friend Aimi were all there.  It was nice and sweet.  Then Rachel and I went to run a couple of errands and take our Sunday nap.  It’s pretty much a necessity haha.  We went to a Christmas concert that evening, which is something I wanted to do.  I love shows, and I love live music.  I’m also 100% alcohol free, so  having a celebratory drink was out of the question… Why not go and see a concert?  It’s a show and live music all in one!  So we went to that, and it was pretty chill.  All in all, my birthday was simple and sweet, which is just how I like it.  I’m not a very loud, showy, party crazy, “in your face” kind of person.  At all.  Haha.  I’m more serious, shy, reserved, and mellow than anything, so that type of birthday celebration just suits me.  Friends have been taking me out to lunch and I will go to dinner with another on Friday night.  I’m excited, and I like it this way.  I’m also really glad that I was able to enjoy the concert, aside from the occasional bright flashes of light reflecting off of the disco ball haha.  The sound didn’t bother me, and I was able to focus.  It was nice.  I can’t say that would have been the case a few months ago, to be certain.

Then, yesterday, I reached the 10 month annie-versary of “the day I died.”  Also known as, the night the aneurysm ruptured.  That means that tomorrow is the 10 months annie-versary of the brain surgery that took place to save my life! Praise God!  I’m not going to lie, I’ve been emotional about it and have cried a few times.  This is just a big week for me.  I’m alive, I turned 25, I’m in mostly good health besides the yucky winter kind of colds and frequent headaches I get, I’m reaching the 10 month mark and if you had told me 10 months ago I’d be here, I wouldn’t have believed you.  My… I just can’t believe it.  Today, I treated myself to a deep tissue (and I may be regretting that now as I’m very sore haha) massage, and a pedicure.  A spa day!  It was nice and relaxing.  Then I came home because I guess the fatigue has decided to stick around.  I didn’t realize it, but I am getting really tired easily, again.  Almost like it was in the beginning.  It’s okay, though, because I listen to my body and rest when I feel like I could just fall over from exhaustion.  This time last year, I would have pushed myself to just “get past it” but no more.  I need my rest, and it’s okay that I take the time to rest!!!

Next week, I will celebrate with a follow up with my neurosurgeon, a day in Dallas with my mom and sister, and time spent with my brain buddy, T.  We will also make a trek back to ICU to visit some of the nurses who took care of me (and well, us, since T was in the room next to me) which I am very excited about!  I just really want to hug them all, and tell them “thank you” in their part of helping me to see 25!!  It makes me tear up just thinking about it, and I really cannot wait. :)  This will happen next Tuesday, and we’re just going to make a day of it.  I have an afternoon appointment this time, so I think we are going to head to Dallas in the morning, have breakfast with T and her mom, just spend some time with them.  Then I will go to my doctor’s appointment, then we will meet up with T again to go back to her old stomping grounds as an ex ICU nurse in that same hospital.  I really cannot wait.

You know, life is pretty good.  Even in the midst of readjusting to life, yucky headaches, being a human barometer, feeling “different,” being treated differently, and just trying to figure it all out.  I truly remain blessed, and I am truly grateful!! :)

I’m thinking of working on a piece with my “brain buddies” in order to address some issues we in the brain injury community have.  Raise awareness about brain injury, brain aneurysms, strokes, any brain disorder that would classify you as someone with a brain injury.  There are just so many misconceptions, and quite frankly, I get tired of people reacting to me like I’m some kind of alien because they don’t “get it.”  I want our voices to be heard.  So be looking out for that hopefully within the next couple of weeks.  I posted something about it on Facebook, but got very little feedback about what questions “they” have for “us.” They being non brain injured people, us being brain injured people.  I got no feedback, so I may just have to flip the question and write it in the format of what “we” want “them” to know about “us.”  We and us being brain injured people, them being non brain injured people.  :)  Just a thought!

Hope that y’all are all doing wonderful and staying blessed. :)

The story that almost wasn’t told.

I just posted this status via Facebook, as I just officially turned 25.  Hahaha, what?  It still doesn’t make any sense to me.  It still seems like… It’s not real.  Me?  Twenty five, already? Umm, okay, if you say so… Haha.  Anyway,

“Twenty five years ago, I was brought into this world a little too early.  Okay, who am I kidding? Way too early! Like 3 months and 17 days too early.  So early, in fact, that I only weighed in at a whopping (haha) ONE pound, EIGHT ounces.  Those giant sized bags of M&M’s at the store, yeah… That’s how much I weighed on the day I was born.  Whaaaat!?  Of course, I was immediately flown via the lovely ambulance helicopter to Cook Children’s Hospital in Ft. Worth where a team of doctors, nurses, therapists, surgeons, and staff fought to save my life the first time.  I stayed there for months, taking my parents on a rollercoaster of emotion as some days I was doing awesome, the next, I could plummet so quickly.  Of course, I have no memory, but I have scars and I do know that God was as with me then as He was with me on February 4, when I was flown back to the DFW area for the ruptured brain aneurysm.  Last year, I said “twenty four, give me more!” This year I’m saying “twenty five, thank God I’m alive!” <3″

 

Yes, that’s the story I’ve been meaning to tell.  The ruptured brain aneurysm event isn’t the first time I wasn’t “supposed to” be here.  I feel like I’ve lived more in this 25 years than most people will live their entire lives, and honestly, I probably have.  It isn’t everyday that a baby is born severely premature, and lives to tell it.  Especially 25 years ago.  Medical technology has advanced so much that I think babies born that small today might have a greater chance at life without such difficulties than I did in the same situation.  You know, I “should have” had severe deficits, been slower than my peers, been delayed in this aspect, that aspect.  You know, I think I’m in pretty good shape.  I have no recollection of anything from my premature birth, but I did find some medical records one day that talked about a test they did, and I wasn’t delayed like they thought I’d be.  I started reading at age 3, and I haven’t ever really stopped.  Besides my scars, being pretty small (I’m only 5’1″ and I just weighed myself yesterday, 111.2 or something like that–Haha I haven’t gained much in this life), and a story to tell, I’m just as normal as the young lady next to me.  It just doesn’t seem real.  Who has two life threatening conditions/illnesses and lives to tell about them?  I do, apparently.  Thank God that I am alive, and mostly well.  Thank God that I am able to tell my story, thank God that He loves me enough to save me and still has a purpose for me, my life, and everything that has transpired.

 

There’s so much more I want to say, and I will probably come back and edit this post tonight, but for right now I’ve got to get running to church and then a birthday lunch. :)  Today is going to be wonderful, and it already is.  I’m just so happy to be alive.  So grateful for all of the birthday wishes, and so thankful to have life.

 

Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today.  If you’re on the fence about a  real-lationship with God, seek Him while He’s still giving you time.  Mend broken relations, forgive yourself.  Move forward.  You don’t always have tomorrow, even if you’re “sure” you do.  Just a little encouragement, for y’all.

 

God willing I’m alive, I’ll come back tonight to edit this!
Have a blessed day, my readers! :)

Finally, a “real” entry!!!

You know, I just can’t believe this is real.

 

I cannot believe that my life has taken such a drastic turn in the past year, or the past almost 10 months (come Tuesday!) to be certain.  Like… What?  Is this real?  It is real, but it still seems surreal.  Like if I was watching it from the outside.  Like if there was an alarm clock about to go off and wake me up from this dream.  Haha, or I guess most people would see it as a nightmare.  I don’t exactly feel that way.  Yes, it has been intensely stressful, unbelievably painful, and agonizingly slow… But I am alive.  I think differently, I behave differently, I see the world differently, I believe differently, and most importantly, I am totally in love with God.  I’m in love with Who God is, what He does, His character, how He operates, how He uses people around us all the time as instruments for His work, whether or not they know it, or are willing to be used.

 

I think I’m just waiting for something that will never arrive.  Perhaps this would all be different if I had a memory of what actually happened.  I just remember passing out, the medics “waking me up” answering a lot of questions, vomiting non stop, and  being placed on the stretcher and wheeled out to the ambulance on a freezing cold night (February 4, 2012 to be exact) where they took me to the closest E.R.  My last memory is the exit to the hospital.  My first clear memory is February 13, 2012.  But I remember (don’t have a memory, though… Hard to explain) posting a status on Facebook on February 10, 2012.  I remember doing it, but the memory isn’t clear like the ones on Feb 13-present.  It’s just very odd.  I feel like I’m living in a twilight zone haha.  I told my neurosurgeon that I’m missing a good 9 days of memory and he told me “You don’t want to remember, trust me.”  Which, he’s probably right, I don’t want to remember.  But I feel like if this is ever going to seem real, a part of me needs to remember.  Or at least a part of me needs to know.  Haha… Leave it to me to be writing notes to the anesthesiologist on the day of surgery asking him “How will this work? I haven’t had surgery since I was premature!”  What?  Why would you care? Your brain has been bleeding for 5 days, honey, just roll with it!  Hahaha I can only imagine what they were thinking about me being so inquisitive, even when I’m deathly ill.  That makes me wonder, though, if maybe personality doesn’t belong to the brain, and it’s more of a soul thing?!  It’s my personality to be naturally skeptical, and naturally inquisitive.  I research everything.  Really, everything.  I’m a highly curious person, and I will ask questions until I understand.  I just find it highly humorous that my life is being threatened by this little aneurysm in my skull, and here I am writing notes to the doctor because I can’t talk due to being intubated.  Only you, Robin!  What? I can’t help it. :)

 

Anyway, the point of this blog is to actually post a “real” entry, now that I think my writer’s block has made it its way out of my brain.  Besides the block, I’ve been keeping myself busy with various pursuits.  Work, volunteering, church… You know, just trying to stay focused on life and living it to the best of my ability.  I’m back to “just” one job, now.  First time in over a year… But that’s okay.  There’s no need to push myself harder than I need to, and two retail jobs during the holidays/Christmas is probably not the brightest idea for someone still recovering from a very traumatic illness.  Yep, gotta stay smart.  I’m doing what’s best for me, and I’m not making any apologies about it.  I really just cannot believe that I will be 25 in a matter of HOURS.  Yep, that’s right, as of 8:23 AM on Sunday morning, yours truly will be TWENTY-FIVE.  Whaaaaat!?!?  Where does time go?  I guess I have to be a “real” grown up now! Ha… I’ve been a grown up since I was a kid.  But  I’m just really, really grateful that I’ll more than likely be alive to see this day.  I would be confident in that matter… But I was also confident on the morning of February 4, that I’d be alive to be livin’ it up with my friends the next day for Superbowl Sunday, and that didn’t happen now did it?! :)

 

Haha not trying to be a Debbie downer, it’s just that I’ve completely grasped that “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise” which is an epiphany I had after learning just how catastrophic  my aneurysm had proven itself to be.  Seriously, a grade 4 or 5 rupture… That left me with 20-10% chances of survival, and/or severe deficits if I did survive. Excuse me, what?  There is a God.  He is alive and He is well.  He still performs miracles, He still reigns on high.  If I ever doubted whether or not God was for me, I absolutely have zero doubts now.  Not only did I survive, but I’m pretty much in the same condition as I was pre-rupture.  Some deficits, but nothing as “should be” expected.  Life doesn’t always go as it “should,” apparently.  I think I’m okay with that.  As long as I know that God is with me, then I have no reason to fear life’s unexpected changes.  Sure, that’s much easier said than practiced, but I think I am finally grasping it.  He created everything about me, everything around me, everyone around me, and He is the Author of all.  I’d be silly to think He doesn’t have it all under control.  A human having control is merely an illusion.  Hello?  Reality check this year, for sure.  Coming from a type A, little miss high strung, perfectionist… I am not in control.  This life isn’t even about me!!  It’s about who He created me to be, and how He is giving me another chance (so graciously) to do what I need to do for Him.  I am excited about the opportunities, even if I don’t even see a way right now… He’s got it all worked out.

 

Praise the Lord that I will be turning 25 on Sunday morning.  I am moved to tears when I reflect on this year, and my entire life, really. That’s a post in itself, though.  One that I’ll probably write out tomorrow.  You see, I wasn’t “supposed to live” the first time, either!  Haha.  I literally came into this world fighting, and I know that’s how I’m gonna go out.  It’s just in my blood.  I have been texting a good friend (my “other brother,”) James, and he was talking about how most people do all that they can to avoid adversity after I told him I didn’t know my response to this year’s events weren’t “the norm.”  He replied and said something along the lines of “It’s who you are, though.  You’ve been a fighter since day one.”  It’s literal, too.  You’ll see.  :)  I’ll definitely write out a post about that event, too.  I’m just so, so, so, so grateful to the Lord for carrying me from day one!!  I’m so thankful for the wonderful support system I have, all of the people who encourage me, inspire me, pray for me, stand in the gap for me, and keep pushing me to keep going… Thank you.  Lord, thank You, for my beautiful, crazy, unbelievable, awesome, strange, lovely, quirky life.  Thank You for my scars, thank You for my personality, thank You for my “fight,” thank You for You!

 

On Facebook, we’ve been doing the “thankful” status where you post something you’re thankful for each day during November.  I vaguely remember my posts from last year, but there is the timeline feature that allows me to go “back in time” (haha) to reminisce.  It’s pretty cool, though.  I do have to say that all in all, this November has been a pretty awesome month.  Hit a lot of rough spots this year, in my own life and in the lives of those close to me, but we are all surviving and thriving in this “new normal.”  You’ve just gotta keep on keepin’ on.  I’m just glad to have had a “chill” month.  It’s been nice!  Ya know, since “the world is going to end” next month (hahah, umm I don’t believe that… See Matthew 24:36) I think it’s a good thing to have had one “calmer” month given the craziness of this year.  I don’t want to wish time away, but I will be glad to see a new year arrive.  I have grown so much this year, I have been pushed to limits I didn’t even know existed, I have had a total heart renovation (still under construction, but coming together nicely) and it has been painful.  Growing pains, I say… But it’s all totally worth it, honestly.  God is good.  Life is truly awesome, ups, downs, and all.  That’s ultimately what I’m thankful for this month.  The ability to have life, and experience the many facets of life, while living to be able to tell it (mostly) coherently.  When James and I were texting, I told him “I’ll only stop fighting when I die.”  That’s true.  I’m not a combative person, when I say “fight” I mean more in a mental/emotional sense than physical, but you will literally have to pronounce me dead if you think I’m going to give up the fight!  That’s who I am and that’s how I roll.  Praise God, I’m alive!!!

Gotta have heart.

Every once in a while, life will present me with the opportunity to see the reason behind a saying.  Today, I gained that knowledge because of a status a friend of mine posted on Facebook.  You see, lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to have heart.  Not have a heart, but to have heart in everything you do.  You know, like a relentless quest that keeps pushing you to press past anything in your way.  Determination, drive, a will to do, get, and be better.  Here’s the perfect story that illustrates a real life example of what I’m trying to say:

“I go to the gym just about every morning at 8am or so. Every morning I have gone this semester there has been this kid who practices basketball all by himself 

He is pretty overweight and wears glasses and you can tell he just plays for fun early when no one is there. All he really does is chunk the ball with one arm from half court the whole time for about an hour. He always misses the backboard

 by at least a foot and you can tell that he gets really down on himself and thinks he isn’t any good. But this particular morning I was on the. treadmill and he had been down there missing for about 30 minutes. He was sweating heavily and looked like he was about to call it a day. when he went to half court for one last shot. He chunked it with one arm and it went straight in the net. He threw his hands up and started clapping over his head, trying to celebrate quietly to himself. I don’t know if I have ever been happier for someone I have never spoken to. My day, and possibly my entire week, has been made.”

   

 I can’t lie, after I read this, I had a slight tear in my eye.  It just made me so happy.  I even commented on the status thanking my friend for sharing this story with us.  It’s just a nice and simple reminder in today’s rushed, complicated world.  I love the story.  But most of all, I love that that kid has heart.  That’s what life is all about.

 

   It’s about being knocked down, but still getting up, dusting yourself off, and trying again anyway.  It’s about the odds continuously being stacked against you, but you press on anyway.  It’s about trying, even if you might fail.  It’s about trying that 100th time, even if you missed the shot the first 99 times.  Why?  Because you never know.  Life’s funny like that… You just never know which shots you’ll make, and which shots you’ll miss. Try, anyway.  Life just might surprise you and you might end up making it by a long shot when everything/everyone around you says “you can’t.”  Don’t you give up.  Keep trying, keep going.

 

   It’s important in life to have heart.  It’s important to dedicate yourself to something other than yourself.  It doesn’t have to be some glorious philanthropic project designed to win you accolades, either.  Just find something that you can put your heart into, and pursue it.  Sometimes that’s how we find ourselves.  I know I find bits and pieces of myself in the things that I write.  I will write something, and people that I don’t even know will acknowledge something I’ve written and they show me something new about myself.  I appreciate that.  Not because I’m narcissistic, but because it’s nice to be able to see yourself through someone else’s eyes.  It’s a nice affirmation to validate yourself.  It’s nice to place your hands above your head and silently cheer yourself on, just like that kid did today. :)

     

What this kid didn’t know, is that he was being watched and that his own perseverance would speak to many people.  It reminds me, myself, to keep pressing towards the goal. I just want to encourage y’all to keep the faith, keep the fight.  Just keep pressing towards whatever shot it is you’ve been trying to take, and maybe haven’t made yet.  If you quit trying, you’ll never make it.  That’s when you lose, is when you give up.  So keep taking those steps to press on towards the goal.  Don’t take your eye off the prize.  Put your heart into it, and get after it.  All the talent, education, skill, time, and money in the world doesn’t matter if you don’t have heart.  You’ve got to have an unrelenting passion to go after whatever goal it is you’re shooting for.  So find whatever it is that fuels you, and go. Be blessed!

Stay tuned!

I’m gonna be writing a post or two tonight or tomorrow. Or maybe even tonight and tomorrow! Haha. A friend of mine posted a heartwarming status this morning that really drove home something I’ve been pondering a lot, lately. I’ve spoken with him, and he’s gonna be awesome as always and allow me to share his status with y’all to piece an entry together.

Hope that you are all well! I’m doing good, taking it one day at a time, as usual. Life is good, even through the challenges thrown my way lately. I’m gonna make it, I always do.

:) keep the faith, keep the fight.