All Good Things

The tens taught me the lesson of how to survive. The twenties will teach me the lesson of how to thrive.

What a decade, y’all! I’m sitting here writing this but I don’t even know if I have enough words to express what the last ten years have been like for me. First, I’m grateful for all things. I know approaching life from a place of gratitude opens the doors for more gratitude to flow in. In spite of every obstacle against me, in spite of every loss, in spite of every dark day, I persevered and I survived. I lived in a sowing season, and now it’s time to reap.

I learned more life lessons in ten years than I’ve learned in the entirety of my 32 years, and I know there’s a purpose in the pain even if it hurt (and sometimes still does) like hell. I learned how to lose gracefully and still ignite a spark of hope within, because keeping the flame alive provides light for the path I travel. I learned we are souls and our bodies are the vessels in which we reside. We are essence and energy and we exist here to learn. It’s not about what we get, but it’s all about what we give. Wealth isn’t only about money or material things, wealth is having peace within yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you, and that’s something no salary could ever give you. Be and stay true to you and claim that abundance.

I learned I give light, I give encouragement, I give fire and a passion for anything and anyone that matters to me. I learned my father raised me well, and my siblings and I are, without a doubt, carrying his legacy with us. I am so thankful for all of the time I had with him, because he established a foundation for us to only go up.

If things don’t feel good, find some good in it. If you can’t find the good, create something good and focus on that. I understand pain down to the very core of the soul, but I also understand purpose. Not everything that happens to you is about you. Sometimes things happen solely because we need to have our story to share, and we can’t empathize if we haven’t traveled that path. I did that. My stroke made sure of it, because not only did I face my own mortality at 24 years old, I had to begin a “new normal” I was not ready to start. It was very much do or die, and I chose to do, even if some days I felt like I might die.

I am petite, but I am also a powerhouse and nothing or no one will stop me once my mind is made up. I will stand, even if I stand alone. I will speak, I will use my voice and I will listen. I will help other stroke survivors (and those who love them) traveling down this path, because I’ve been there done that and have the scars to show it. I remember feeling like I was in a foreign land without a compass, guide or map. I remember being absolutely terrified that I would “just suddenly die” because I was no longer within the four walls of UT Southwestern. I remember the isolation, difficulty accepting or understanding, and devastation of watching everything I thought I knew, all I thought I would have, and everyone I thought knew me, just disappear literally overnight. There are no words I can share to express this type of pain, and I can feel the swelling in my chest as I write this, because I know I do not want anyone to suffer in that place by themselves. I am here because I’m supposed to be here. I am here for you, and I am thankful I’m able to communicate.

I’ve said it before, but had the stroke taken place in the same lobes, but on the left side of my brain, it’s very likely I could’ve lost my ability to speak or understand words at all. It’s due to aphasia, and the thought of it makes me want to cry. I remember having some issues with language early on in my recovery and that’s what showed my dad something actually did change. Some days I still have slip ups with using the correct word but the wrong way. For instance, I would write “I can here you” or something like that, but I meant “hear.” It’s actually kind of scary to experience, because you know what’s right, but your brain literally doesn’t function well enough to notice it or correct it. I will be “eight years old” in my new normal, in February and I still have days where my processing of language is slower. There is such an odd feeling of being trapped inside your own body and knowing what you know you know, but not being able to express it. It’s really quite alarming, and I just know if I can help even one person know this could be one deficit they have because of their stroke, then my own suffering is totally worth it.

Eight years is a long time, but not in the “new normal.” Life is different now, but life is still good. Some things have stayed the same, while some things have changed. One constant, though, is how I process sound. When too many people are speaking at once, my brain still processes the words as a foreign language. I don’t even know how to explain it, but even if I know they’re speaking English, my brain cannot make sense of the different sounds, so it just jumbles everything up. I can handle it a bit easier now, but it’s very tiring (in a neurological fatigue way) to me if I have to be in a loud-chaotic environment with too much noise at once. I have developed really good boundaries with myself and with others, and that helps me to keep moving forward! The more tired I am, the less I can handle, so I will just shut down or shut off. Usually this means putting on headphones, but I will also leave a place if I need to, because I know once I start flooding, it won’t be long before I become extremely irritable and/or a migraine develops.

Speaking of migraines, I know what it’s like to feel so bad, you really do wish you could just pull your head off of your body and get a new head. Thankfully I am well controlled now, thanks to Aimovig, but I do still have “bad brain days.” On those days, I just have to shut down because I can’t focus or function and I don’t want to be mean to people or myself. I have to be quiet and be in the quiet.

Quiet. That’s how the majority of my year was, last year. I spent nine months just trying to process what actually happened (graduating college with honors is a big deal and even more so when you did it with an acquired brain injury, after an eight year break from the first time you went to school) in the four years prior, and since I had time to just be, everything came rushing in. I had to process that I really did do it, I really did keep that promise to myself and my dad, that I would finish school and I would graduate with honors. Sometimes it still shocks me, because it seems so surreal but it really happened! I am so proud of myself and I know this is only beginning.

In the quiet, I had to process the death of my dad and since I knew I wasn’t handling it so well but I didn’t want to turn to an unhealthy coping mechanism, I chose to get back into therapy. I have a great psychologist and she has helped me so much. I learned about delayed grief and I turned back to writing (not publicly) to help me express what I was feeling and get it out. I had to be still, so really even though it was not easy, it was necessary that I did not immediately start working like I’d planned to do. None of my job interviews (if I even got to that point) resulted in an offer and I was so upset for so long. However, one day when I got tired of being tired, I told myself to to step back and think of what did happen. I did get back into therapy, I did make myself an exercise regimen I could stick to, I did spend time reading and reflection of what is still good. I needed that stillness. Just because it doesn’t look like anything is happening doesn’t mean nothing is happening, it means you can’t see it externally yet, but the change and growth is happening within. That is a major lesson and it’s one I will carry with me for as long as I live.

I learned it’s okay not to be okay. I learned you can go there, but don’t stay there. “There” being wherever you go to feel whatever you feel, and just letting yourself be there and feel it. That’s okay, it means you are being true to yourself and allowing yourself to go through the cycle. Do not let it stop you from living your life, though. If you’re still here, you’ve still got purpose, and you need to trust in that. Find some way to release it and be kind to yourself, because you’re always a work in progress.

The tens taught me how to survive. The twenties are going to teach me how to thrive. I release the past decade in gratitude, standing strong in my power and following the path of purpose. I give thanks for all that was. I welcome this new decade with an open heart, and give thanks for all that is and all that will be.

The lesson lately has been “keep going, keep growing” and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I am blessed to be here and I am excited to see what “all good things” looks like, lived out. I welcome balance and peace as I continue to move forward in this life of mine. I can feel this hope deep inside of my soul, it makes my body feel electric and I know it’s because there is greater and there this more ahead. All that was lost is not a loss, and there is a lesson to be learned, regardless.

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing and feeling well, wherever you are. I hope you have a great new year and always remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.

2020, let’s do this! It’s only up from here!

Happy Flu Year!!!

Love this! Everyday we have a chance to live is another day to write a new page the the story of our lives. What do you want your story to read? Make it happen, because as long as you’re alive and willing, there are great things you can do! Believe and achieve :)

Happy new year as well. :)

The only shot I took was a shot of Nyquil, and I dealt with a Nyquil hangover for most of today. Hahaha!

That’s right, yours truly has managed to catch type A influenza, also known as “the flu.”  I should have known something was up when I had to use my inhaler one day last week (I have asthma, but it has been much less severe since my aneurysm rupture/brain surgery–not sure how or if those two are even linked, but I have noticed it) because I felt like I wasn’t breathing as well as I should be.  I started getting the sniffles and a tickle in my throat on Saturday night around 8:30 PM.  By Sunday morning, I woke up with a fever, lots of coughing and I just knew.  Me being me, I wanted to just wait it out and hoped that it might “just” be bronchitis, but that little voice popped in the back of my mind reminding me of hospitalization, so I went to the doctor on Monday morning.  Everyone in the waiting room sounded just like me.  That same, chest rattling cough, people looked miserable and the room echoed with groans of “can this please just go away?”  Not fun.  There was also over a 2 hour wait, so I left to avoid anymore germs than what I had already been graced with, and went back when it was closer to time to see my doctor.  She ordered a nasal swab and about 20 minutes later called me back into the office to tell me it tested positive for type A flu.  Awesome, I’m one of the lucky Texans to have caught it!!!

Not really.  But seriously, I caught it before the 48 hour mark, so I was able to start Tamiflu with high hopes for some lessening of symptoms and a shorter duration.  That’s gotta be worth something, right?  It better be… Tamiflu is outrageously expensive.  The flu shot is much cheaper, I’m sure.  Haha.  This year, I will find the time to go and get a flu shot.  2013 was the first year in several years that I haven’t been offered the shot through my place of employment.  I could have just went to the pharmacy and got one, but I never found the time, or I never made the time.  I won’t make that choice again! Of course this would all happen just two days before my new insurance became effective.  Anyway, I am blessed to have had the funds to buy the Tamiflu and I had a gift card I used to help pay for other flu essentials (Tylenol, Motrin, cough drops, Pedialyte to stay hydrated, all of that “fun” stuff) to help me fight through this.  I’m also very thankful that we caught it before anything got worse.  With asthma, you don’t want to chance any respiratory infections, because they can go from being something mild to something very severe, very quickly.  After 2012 (I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my aneurysm rupture and surgery!), I am all “hospitaled out.”  No. Thank. You.

So, I have been spending the week resting, aching in my abdominal area from all of the coughing, sounding hoarse, and getting some laughs in where I can.  It’s not so bad, because I definitely need rest after the holiday season in retail.  I worked some weird shifts and it’s really just exhausting with so much going on at once… It’s been almost 2 years, and my brain still can’t “hang like it used to” before the rupture and consequent brain injury.  It just wears me out, but somehow I go into autopilot and just do it.  This is my chance to rest, because it’s a new year, so you better believe I am looking forward! :)

I don’t know what this year holds, but I do know that I am probably stronger now than I have ever been before, and that with my faith and will to fight through, trusting in Him, I will be victorious.

This is my hope. :)

Hope that everyone is doing (and feeling) well wherever you are!  I hope you had a good Christmas, and that you have a wonderful new year!  I hope to be able to blog more often this year, and I apologize for the long hiatus in my writing.  I just have a single track focus, and I needed to get through this season at work, plus some other issues that needed my attention.  Everything is sorting out though, and I am thankful for it. :)  I’m gonna go back to my cozy spot on the couch, continue watching shows on Netflix, eat some ice cream, then call it a night.

Keep the faith, keep the fight!

On emotional eating.

I’m not an emotional eater.   When I’m upset, my first instinct is to tune the world out, settle in with some good music, and just think or write about it.  Sometimes I’ll go for a very long walk or jog, sometimes I’ll just vent to a friend.  But most of the time, I just have to turn the music up.  Writing helps me heal, keeping my body moving helps me heal, music helps me heal.  I’m an introvert for sure, and the way I handle difficulties reminds me of that.  I like people, but I like (and need) my quiet time more. :)

Tonight, though, I am emotionally eating.  Allow me to explain,  it isn’t what you think.  When people think of emotional eaters, they usually think of someone eating an entire box of brownies, a dozen cookies, or a half gallon of ice cream.  Maybe drinking a whole 12 pack of Dr Pepper (that’s the Texas way! Haha) Right?  Not in my case.

I don’t know what happened, but I joke with my neurosurgeon that they “put something back together the wrong way!”  My appetite completely changed after brain surgery.  It’s really weird.  I don’t like anything fried (very rarely eat fried anything anymore), if it’s really greasy I don’t want it, I don’t crave sweets (but I didn’t crave them often before, anyway), I don’t drink any kind of soda (just water with lime, please or maybe a ginger beer–it’s non alcoholic and I love the taste of ginger–shoutout to papa Whit for introducing me to this wonderful drink), and I try to stay away from anything caffeinated.  Yes, that means sayonara to my beloved coffee most of the time (but sometimes I just need one cup) and I limit my green tea consumption.

Tonight, I am eating a huge salad with grilled lemon pepper chicken, shredded cheese, a squeeze of lime, pineapple that I cut up, and a drizzle of ranch dressing.  No smothering in ranch, haha I actually like tasting the lettuce now.  It just tastes so clean and healthy.  I love it, and I really love eating healthy now.  I always did like “healthy” food and “eating clean,” but I would really just eat whatever, whenever.  Seriously, Whataburger is good and all, but honey butter chicken biscuits at 3 in the morning isn’t ideal for optimal health. Hahaha. :)  Don’t get me wrong though… If I’m craving something, I’ll eat it because I know I hardly ever eat those foods anymore. I  don’t believe in bad foods, just portion control and how often you choose to eat those foods.

It might be a mental thing, but I honestly just want to do whatever I am able to do to ensure that I am not endangering my health.  I didn’t know I had a brain aneurysm until mine ruptured.  I came out of that experience thinking “Well, I should control what I am able to control.”  For me, that means feeding myself good, whole foods.  That means staying away from most fried, overly processed, too sweet, too fattening food.  That means drinking more water and less sweet tea (so sad for this native Texan), coffee, and no soda.  Caffeine literally makes me feel like my head is floating away now.  I guess it’s just the way it affects my brain differently now, I don’t know… But I feel separate from my body when I drink caffeine.  It kind of freaks me out, because I always think I’m going to have a seizure or something.  Haha, I’ll just steer clear, definitely not trying to ever have another seizure.

Anyway, I was just lounging around eating slowly and I felt like writing a little something.  I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, it’s tax free weekend here in Texas (no, I’m not joking), so I know the store will be pretty busy.  I need rest.

Hope y’all are doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are. :)  Keep the faith, keep the fight!  Goodnight!

People actually care about thigh gaps and hip dips?

In my last post, I mentioned that ten months out, I feel healthy.  This morning, I was lurking Twitter under the hashtag #fitspo which is where I found plenty of fitness accounts of people who are trying their best to change their bodies, one meal, one protein shake, one workout at a time!  I love that.  I do not, however, love this “thigh gap” business.  Nor do I love the “hip dip” issue many people (mostly women) seem to have.  What in the world?  Stop it!!  You are beautiful!  Victoria’s Secret fashion shows might be fun, but man do they mess up some perceptions of reality for some women.  It’s sad, and kind of sickening.

Psalm 139:13-16 reads (NIV) “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

That means, stop obsessing about what you don’t look like, work to change what you can if it sincerely bothers you, and love the body that you have!  You’ll only have one body.  It really does sadden me to see girls who go to extremes in order to look whichever way they perceive to be “perfect.”  Newsflash, sweethearts, perfection is an illusion!!!   That’s right, I said it.  What may be “perfect” to you may look quite imperfect to a bystander.  For instance, I am almost anti anything unnatural.  Unless you need something modified on your body for health reasons, leave your body alone.  Fake breasts, fake lips, fake hair, fake nails, fake tans, implants to create body parts you weren’t born with, it is just very unattractive to me.  I’m of the notion that natural is beautiful.  However you look naturally, is your best look.  It’s one thing to take care of yourself, which I’m all for, I can be a girly girl too, I like makeup… I just rarely ever wear it.  I just like people to look like people, not 3D designs of Photoshop.

It’s okay to love who you are, as you are.  Really, it is.  Take care of your health, exercise because you should, eat right because it goes hand in hand with exercise, stay away or seriously limit your alcohol intake, don’t smoke…  That’s all good and well, but don’t take it to extremes.  You have to look like a human in order to be a human.

Another thing that really bothers me about this whole fitness thing is the fact that people expect results without actually working to achieve them.  I have a lot of self control, and a lot of discipline.  I know that if I want something, I’m going to have to put in work to get it.  Simple as that.  Obviously, not everyone is this way, though.  But seriously don’t complain about it if you’re not doing the work to change it.  What you put in, you get out!  If you only ever eat junk, processed food, don’t be surprised when that number on the scale continues to creep upwards.  You. Have. To. Eat. Right. Along. With. Exercise!  I don’t know what is so baffling about that concept.  I hate the mindset of “I can eat whatever I want if I run an extra mile tonight at the gym!” You need to be eating to fuel your body through your workout, not to satisfy whatever craving you have.  It’s good to give in occasionally, and I’m not the type to think you need to deprive yourself of those heavenly cream cheese brownies.  But I am saying that you need to be conscious of what you’re eating, how much you’re eating, and when you’re eating.  Food is fuel.  Starving yourself for “skinny” won’t help you, either.  In fact, you’re endangering yourself.   It’s not even about being skinny, but about being healthy!  I’m a naturally petite/small person, but am I fit and healthy? No.  Haha.  I need to get in the gym to get toned up, and make sure that I’m eating regular meals and snacks.  I also need to watch what I’m drinking.  Liquid calories are real.  Water has 0 calories, and it’s the best thing you can drink.  I’m a Texan, I love my sweet tea, but I don’t love caffeine’s dehydrating effects or my brain’s ability to stay wired off of minute amounts of caffeine, these days.

I don’t know what kept me from posting this blog yesterday, and now I don’t remember what else it is I wanted to add before I posted this. Blame it on the brain surgery… I do that a lot. :)  Sometimes my mind just works much more differently, these days.  That’s alright, though.  I guess I just want people (men and women–because both struggle with body issues) to love their bodies as their own bodies.  Not what some Photoshopped image on a magazine cover appears to be, not what a 5’11” 115 lb model appears to be, not what a body builder who squats 300 lbs. appears to be.  Love you for you!   Change what you are able to change, take care of your health, and love who you are.  It’s who He created you to be!

Ten Months!

Yep, that’s right.  Today is officially ten months since surgery!  Praise the Lord that I am here and doing as well as I am.  Today, though, I am migraine stricken.  I finally caved about an hour ago and took half of a Norco.  I hate, hate, hate narcotic pain medication because it just makes me feel way too zoned out, and I don’t like feeling disconnected, really.  Haha.  It took me 5 hours to split the 10 mg in half and do 5 mg.  It has lessened the headache a bit in intensity, but it is still painful.  I know what triggered it, though, and this one is just something that’s gonna have to work itself out, really.  Come to think of it, the headache is behind my right eye.  I’m going to go clean my glasses and put them on like a good girl. My optometrist did tell me to wear them 24/7 (besides sleeping and showering, of course haha) but I almost never wear them.  They help with the eye strain and may even lessen this headache.

 

Okay, glasses on, cold water bottle by my side, Shane and Shane Pandora going… I’m ready to write!

 

Ten months and I’m feeling:

Hopeful: Finally!  The light shines much more than it ever did in the beginning.  Looking back on these past ten months (seriously… It’s been that long? Some days it seems like it’s been years, others it seems like it was yesterday!) I can still safely say that months 1-6 were the hardest.  Obviously, it was a traumatic experience, I had zero idea of what was happening to me, and when I did learn about it, I was terrified.  My entire life changed literally overnight.  I think I’ve handled it well, I’ve been told I handle it so well, and that’s nice… But I can’t deny that I was very hopeless in the beginning.  Just so downtrodden which is so not me.  At all.  Not my mindset, not my attitude, not my outlook.  It was very weird to feel like someone else, but in my same body.  Huge adjustments had to be made, and these days I am pretty hopeful again.  Therapy has helped a lot, staying connected in church, reading my Bible, listening to inspirational music, other survival stories, finding support from others like me… All necessities along the recovery!  Hope is a good thing. :)

 

Agitated: Everyone who knows me knows that I might be petite and soft spoken, but if there is something I am passionate about, I will not hesitate to let it be known.  Now that I have one, brain injury is something I am passionate about.  I will not be quiet, I do not care what you think, either.  It is really, really, really irritating to hear all of the misconceptions and just pure ignorance from people when it comes to people with brain injuries.  It gets me all fired up!  Haha these days, though, I try to take a breather, calm down, don’t get so stressed, and calmly state the way I see things.  You just can’t argue with a fool, though!  Guess what… We are still human beings, our minds (literally) work differently than yours, though.  That’s all.  You don’t have to treat us like we’re contagious, you don’t have to be afraid, you don’t have to think that we might just pass out and start seizing at any moment, you don’t have to think that we’re mentally handicapped, don’t assume that we’re lazy, or careless, and you better not ever let me hear the “R” word.  Ever.  That’s not even cool, and I will definitely call you on it.  It is our job as the ones with the injury to educate those around us… And I try my best, but sometimes the idiocy gets the best of me, no doubt.

 

Shocked:  I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if others who have survived a ruptured brain aneurysm feel this or not, but I am still in shock.  I tell myself all the time “This is not a dream, Robin.  This is your real life.”  Haha this is weird, but sometimes when I would get really nervous about something, I’d just pretend like I was playing a role in a movie and if I messed up (let anxiety/fear get the best of me) my part, I’d ruin the entire movie.  I don’t do that often anymore haha because my real life really does rival a movie script.  But I am still waiting for the part where someone says “Aaaand cut!”  Except no one will say that.  Because this isn’t fake, it is my real life.  This is really real.  What?  Haha how did I get here, again?  It still feels like a twilight zone sometimes.  Maybe it’s because I’m lacking memory of 9 days of February, maybe it’s because the story has only been told to me and shown through pictures, so it seems like just some story with pictures, and not my actual life.  However, I’m reminded on days like today when I have an intense migraine caused by circumstances I can’t control.  Reality check! Haha.

 

Refined:  Ignis Aurum Probat is Latin for “fire tests gold” and before any of this aneurysm stuff ever happened, I would think about how people were always shocked by my premature birth story and how I’ve literally been tested since day one.  Fire tests gold.  That means that there is a purpose behind all of this, even though/if I don’t understand it.  We are always searching for the easiest route to get to the destination.  Proverbs 19:21 reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Can I get an amen?  Do you know how many plans I had for this year that definitely did NOT involve being sick?  Plenty of them!  My plans don’t matter, except now that I have a real-lationship with God, my plans are hopefully in perfect correspondence to His will for my life!  I seriously do not want to waste even a second of this precious life of mine doing things that don’t matter.  I just don’t want to, and it’s taken this serious illness, intense recovery, and slowing down to realize how fragile and fleeting life is to be in this mindset I’m in, now.  I wish it hadn’t taken all of this for me to “get it,” but God will use whatever He has to in order to capture our attention and our hearts.  I’m all His, now, and I don’t care who knows it. :)  The refining process is not the most awesome thing, but it is the most awesome thing.  Growing pains always hurt, but you end up stronger in the end.  I’m thankful.

 

Determined: I am easily one of the most strong willed, stubborn, laser beam focused people I know.  I always say “at least I’m stubborn in the right ways!” meaning I don’t often use my stubbornness to rebel, but to stay steadfast for something that’s good.  Like staying over at work in order to get caught up on something, studying that extra hour even though I think my eyes are going to fall out of my head, continuing to press for something I know will be for a greater benefit, even if I have to sacrifice.  Now that I’ve faced mortality at a young age, I definitely just want to spend the rest of my life making a difference.  I’m not sure how, yet, but I do know that I’m absolutely determined to make an imprint on this world.  Somehow, some way.  Once I get started, too, there’s no stopping me.  I just told a friend last week “You will literally have to declare me dead before I’ll stop fighting.”  I’m not a combative person, but I am very, very, very mentally disciplined to succeed.  Always have been, always will be.

 

Healthy: In spite of having suffered something so catastrophic, and still having some medical issues I know I need to have checked, I am feeling healthy.  Why?  Because… I think they put something back together wrong (hahah jk) but now all I ever crave is healthy food!  It’s so, so, so weird.  But I actually love it!  I love water, I love vegetables, I love eating fruit when I have a sweets (which is rare– I’m not big on sweets, never have been) craving, and I always just want to eat salad.  Before I got sick, I would eat horribly, honestly.  I’m small, at 5’1″ and just over 110 pounds (yep, Thanksgiving helped me gain a little weight haha) but I was definitely (just barely) overweight when I went into the hospital.  I went in at 133-134, and came out at 124.  After coming home, I lost another… Oh… 16-18 pounds?  At my lowest, I got down to 106.  I haven’t been that small in years!!  It’s still in the normal weight range for BMI, but oh my gosh… My size 4 clothing was HUGE on me, and I just got so small!  Haha I decided I did not like that.  I finally have an appetite most days, now, and eating is much easier.  I just continue to stay small (and healthy) because I actually eat right, now!  I’m back in my size 2 jeans, still a size Medium shirt, or sometimes a Small depending on the cut.  Now I just want to get toned up.  Just because I’m tiny doesn’t mean I’m fit.  I want to be toned up again, like I used to be when I did Pilates and ran.  I really want to get back in the gym and start building up some muscle.  Haha I haven’t stepped foot in a gym to work out in years.  Seriously, I’m just naturally small!  Anyway, that’s one of my next goals is building muscle, getting back in the gym to exercise regularly (it certainly can’t hurt), and getting all toned up. :)  I know people do this every new year where they get their gym membership, determined for “this” to be “the year” that they reach whatever goal they have… But this isn’t something I want as a yearly thing, I want it as a lifestyle change.  I see now, just how important it is to be as healthy as you can.  I don’t know why I had a brain aneurysm, I don’t know if I will have another brain aneurysm, either way, I probably can’t control the outcome.  I can control what I eat, whether or not I choose to exercise, I can stay away from alcohol, I can never smoke, I can make sure I watch my blood pressure (even though it’s normal most of the time–aside from the occasional white coat syndrome) and I know that exercise and eating right can assist in all of that.  I’m ready, ready, ready to take control where I am able to take control!  Definitely looking forward to building my “summer body.” Haha I already lost a lot of weight, so I’m at a good starting point to just build up from here.  I’m also blessed to have a wonderful friend who is a fitness pro, who can help me with an exercise regimen that isn’t too burdensome given the fact that I do have to do life a bit differently, now.

 

Which leads me to my next blog entry… :)

To my brain buddies: This is perfect!

I was browsing some stuff on the interwebz, as I’m thinking of going back to school for something related to brain injured people… I mean, I “get it,” so why not help others? I think that’d be awesome.  Anyway, I stumbled across this article and it really just touched me.  It’s so perfect and so perfectly says the words I can’t always find to say, but need to express.  I’m sure y’all will relate, too!  Or even if you’re not a “brain buddy” of mine, it would be nice for you to read it, too to get some understanding on how we operate, now.  It’s rough… But I think if we ( the injured) can explain it then you (the non-injured) can better cooperate with us and help us heal.

 

Here’s the link: http://www.brainline.org/content/2011/07/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know.html

 

Ahhh, I wish I could just print this article out and hand a copy to every person I come into contact with.  Yes, I look normal, I sound normal, I can walk normally and see normally, too… But I do have an injury.  It is invisible, and I don’t use the fact that I have a brain injury to try and be lazy, incompetent, or insubordinate.  I’m not looking for your pity, and I’m not looking for your judgment.  You don’t understand what it’s like to be in this situation and I pray that you never do.

 

I’m not mad, just trying to let y’all know where we’re coming from. :)  God bless you all!