All Good Things

The tens taught me the lesson of how to survive. The twenties will teach me the lesson of how to thrive.

What a decade, y’all! I’m sitting here writing this but I don’t even know if I have enough words to express what the last ten years have been like for me. First, I’m grateful for all things. I know approaching life from a place of gratitude opens the doors for more gratitude to flow in. In spite of every obstacle against me, in spite of every loss, in spite of every dark day, I persevered and I survived. I lived in a sowing season, and now it’s time to reap.

I learned more life lessons in ten years than I’ve learned in the entirety of my 32 years, and I know there’s a purpose in the pain even if it hurt (and sometimes still does) like hell. I learned how to lose gracefully and still ignite a spark of hope within, because keeping the flame alive provides light for the path I travel. I learned we are souls and our bodies are the vessels in which we reside. We are essence and energy and we exist here to learn. It’s not about what we get, but it’s all about what we give. Wealth isn’t only about money or material things, wealth is having peace within yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you, and that’s something no salary could ever give you. Be and stay true to you and claim that abundance.

I learned I give light, I give encouragement, I give fire and a passion for anything and anyone that matters to me. I learned my father raised me well, and my siblings and I are, without a doubt, carrying his legacy with us. I am so thankful for all of the time I had with him, because he established a foundation for us to only go up.

If things don’t feel good, find some good in it. If you can’t find the good, create something good and focus on that. I understand pain down to the very core of the soul, but I also understand purpose. Not everything that happens to you is about you. Sometimes things happen solely because we need to have our story to share, and we can’t empathize if we haven’t traveled that path. I did that. My stroke made sure of it, because not only did I face my own mortality at 24 years old, I had to begin a “new normal” I was not ready to start. It was very much do or die, and I chose to do, even if some days I felt like I might die.

I am petite, but I am also a powerhouse and nothing or no one will stop me once my mind is made up. I will stand, even if I stand alone. I will speak, I will use my voice and I will listen. I will help other stroke survivors (and those who love them) traveling down this path, because I’ve been there done that and have the scars to show it. I remember feeling like I was in a foreign land without a compass, guide or map. I remember being absolutely terrified that I would “just suddenly die” because I was no longer within the four walls of UT Southwestern. I remember the isolation, difficulty accepting or understanding, and devastation of watching everything I thought I knew, all I thought I would have, and everyone I thought knew me, just disappear literally overnight. There are no words I can share to express this type of pain, and I can feel the swelling in my chest as I write this, because I know I do not want anyone to suffer in that place by themselves. I am here because I’m supposed to be here. I am here for you, and I am thankful I’m able to communicate.

I’ve said it before, but had the stroke taken place in the same lobes, but on the left side of my brain, it’s very likely I could’ve lost my ability to speak or understand words at all. It’s due to aphasia, and the thought of it makes me want to cry. I remember having some issues with language early on in my recovery and that’s what showed my dad something actually did change. Some days I still have slip ups with using the correct word but the wrong way. For instance, I would write “I can here you” or something like that, but I meant “hear.” It’s actually kind of scary to experience, because you know what’s right, but your brain literally doesn’t function well enough to notice it or correct it. I will be “eight years old” in my new normal, in February and I still have days where my processing of language is slower. There is such an odd feeling of being trapped inside your own body and knowing what you know you know, but not being able to express it. It’s really quite alarming, and I just know if I can help even one person know this could be one deficit they have because of their stroke, then my own suffering is totally worth it.

Eight years is a long time, but not in the “new normal.” Life is different now, but life is still good. Some things have stayed the same, while some things have changed. One constant, though, is how I process sound. When too many people are speaking at once, my brain still processes the words as a foreign language. I don’t even know how to explain it, but even if I know they’re speaking English, my brain cannot make sense of the different sounds, so it just jumbles everything up. I can handle it a bit easier now, but it’s very tiring (in a neurological fatigue way) to me if I have to be in a loud-chaotic environment with too much noise at once. I have developed really good boundaries with myself and with others, and that helps me to keep moving forward! The more tired I am, the less I can handle, so I will just shut down or shut off. Usually this means putting on headphones, but I will also leave a place if I need to, because I know once I start flooding, it won’t be long before I become extremely irritable and/or a migraine develops.

Speaking of migraines, I know what it’s like to feel so bad, you really do wish you could just pull your head off of your body and get a new head. Thankfully I am well controlled now, thanks to Aimovig, but I do still have “bad brain days.” On those days, I just have to shut down because I can’t focus or function and I don’t want to be mean to people or myself. I have to be quiet and be in the quiet.

Quiet. That’s how the majority of my year was, last year. I spent nine months just trying to process what actually happened (graduating college with honors is a big deal and even more so when you did it with an acquired brain injury, after an eight year break from the first time you went to school) in the four years prior, and since I had time to just be, everything came rushing in. I had to process that I really did do it, I really did keep that promise to myself and my dad, that I would finish school and I would graduate with honors. Sometimes it still shocks me, because it seems so surreal but it really happened! I am so proud of myself and I know this is only beginning.

In the quiet, I had to process the death of my dad and since I knew I wasn’t handling it so well but I didn’t want to turn to an unhealthy coping mechanism, I chose to get back into therapy. I have a great psychologist and she has helped me so much. I learned about delayed grief and I turned back to writing (not publicly) to help me express what I was feeling and get it out. I had to be still, so really even though it was not easy, it was necessary that I did not immediately start working like I’d planned to do. None of my job interviews (if I even got to that point) resulted in an offer and I was so upset for so long. However, one day when I got tired of being tired, I told myself to to step back and think of what did happen. I did get back into therapy, I did make myself an exercise regimen I could stick to, I did spend time reading and reflection of what is still good. I needed that stillness. Just because it doesn’t look like anything is happening doesn’t mean nothing is happening, it means you can’t see it externally yet, but the change and growth is happening within. That is a major lesson and it’s one I will carry with me for as long as I live.

I learned it’s okay not to be okay. I learned you can go there, but don’t stay there. “There” being wherever you go to feel whatever you feel, and just letting yourself be there and feel it. That’s okay, it means you are being true to yourself and allowing yourself to go through the cycle. Do not let it stop you from living your life, though. If you’re still here, you’ve still got purpose, and you need to trust in that. Find some way to release it and be kind to yourself, because you’re always a work in progress.

The tens taught me how to survive. The twenties are going to teach me how to thrive. I release the past decade in gratitude, standing strong in my power and following the path of purpose. I give thanks for all that was. I welcome this new decade with an open heart, and give thanks for all that is and all that will be.

The lesson lately has been “keep going, keep growing” and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I am blessed to be here and I am excited to see what “all good things” looks like, lived out. I welcome balance and peace as I continue to move forward in this life of mine. I can feel this hope deep inside of my soul, it makes my body feel electric and I know it’s because there is greater and there this more ahead. All that was lost is not a loss, and there is a lesson to be learned, regardless.

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing and feeling well, wherever you are. I hope you have a great new year and always remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.

2020, let’s do this! It’s only up from here!

“Sick pack!”

It’s no flu year, as I had leading into 2014, but I have been in hiding for days now because I’m sick.

It all began early Friday morning when I woke up with a tickle in my throat and the globus sensation (feeling that there’s a lump in the throat) causing me to clear my throat.  I didn’t think much of it because I already had my flu shot in October, I hadn’t been feeling rundown or ill at all, so I just shrugged it off.  As I eased into my day, I noticed some tightness in my chest and wheezing.  I am an asthmatic, but it’s improved much over the years that I don’t really get too concerned about it unless I feel something is settling into my lungs.  I thought about how much my siblings have been coughing and feeling ill, but if they had already been sick for over a week, and I still hadn’t caught it, I was good to go, right?  Wrong!  By Saturday morning I was coughing non stop with a productive cough, getting body aches, terrible headache and feeling exhausted in spite of the fact I hadn’t left bed much. I continued to feel the tightness in my chest, so I did some home remedies to try and ease whatever it could be and went to bed with plans of going to church on Sunday.  That didn’t happen though.  I woke up late, felt terrible, and decided I need to kick this ASAP so I took myself to the doctor. I went to the clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given a prescription for antibiotics and a nasal spray.  I took it upon myself to buy a probiotic and yogurt to eat just to help restore any good bacteria that the antibiotic will kill off.  I also bought several liters of water, tissues with lotion, and soup because everyone knows soup is a cure-all when you’re under the weather!  I already had honey at home, so I’ve been drinking big cups of hot tea with honey to help ease the pain.

Anyway, a friend and I were conversing this morning, when I had asked him about his birthday yesterday and checked on his knee because I know it’s been giving him trouble the past few weeks.  Told him to just take it easy as he works his way back into the gym for leg day tomorrow.  We continued to discuss workouts, and I told him how much I’ve been coughing and how sore it’s made my abdominal muscles. “The past 3 days and now heading into 4 have been ‘ab day’ for me haha. Cough, cough, cough! I coughed so much last night too, my abdominals HURT!'”  He replied, “You must have a six pack then. Lol jk!”  I had to laugh, though, because I immediately replied “Haha I probably do have a six pack! Sick pack!” Hahaha.  Seriously, my abdominal muscles hurt so badly from the incessant coughing that I feel like I’ve been doing core workouts for days!  Have to find some humor in it.  It makes things easier to deal with. :)

I haven’t done much of anything this Christmas/Winter break and have spent many days battling barometric pressure induced migraines, but I adopted a mantra for the year anyway, and it’s this:

Gotta think positive! Every day is a new day and grants you a new opportunity to rise above.  You choose!!

So, to do something I actually want to do before I begin a new semester, I had mapped out a plan to take a trip to Houston to visit my best friend and her little family. I had wanted to leave this Thursday, the 8th, but thanks to this sinus infection, my plans are a bit stalled at the moment. She had her and her husband’s first child on December 20, and I haven’t been able to meet my nephew  (by heart, not blood) yet, so I need to be a good “aunt Ro” and go.  However, I refuse to infect a newborn (or his family) with whatever I have going on with me, so I’m erring on the side of caution and waiting to see how I feel by the end of the week before I make a definitive decision.  I want to see my best friend and get my hands on my sweet nephew so badly, but I want them healthy more than I “need” my plans to go my way.  We shall see, cards aren’t completely off the table, but I’m thinking of what’s in everyone’s best interest. I’ve been resting a lot, staying hydrated, and making sure I’m properly medicating myself.  Using non medicinal treatments (hot compresses for my ears and body aches, ice packs for the headaches, hot showers to help clear sinuses, spicy and hot foods/drinks) where I can!  Just gotta roll with the punches.

Aside from this, I’m tying up the final loose ends on my school to do list before the semester begins on January 20!  Hoping to be totally done with that (and books purchased) by the end of the week so that if I do end up going to Houston, I’ll have nothing to do for a few days before school once I return home.  I hate being rushed or feeling frantic, and since living this “new normal,” I need time more than anything to just relax and get my mind right. Since having acquired this brain injury, I have to be calm and focused so that I can think clearly about what’s ahead of me and what it means for an academic pursuit. Long gone are the days where I can just get up and go, not really thinking but just doing school (or anything, really) without forethought and rest to ease into the atmosphere.  I don’t think most people understand that, but trust me, it’s best for me (and everyone) if I take that time off to just do nothing except be, because it’s preparing my mind and strengthening my resolve to accomplish what is ahead of me.  Like a child clings to a comforting object, or an athlete in training for a game/race ahead of them, is my rest to me and my brain before I begin something new, especially when it requires vast mental energy.  I get my “game face” on, get focused, in my zone, and just prepare myself to conquer.  I find comfort in the quiet and stillness, and it really helps me to just be still.  Give thanks to God for all that I have, let my spirit be refreshed, and positive self talk.  “I can, I will.”  “I have come too far to quit now.”  “It will be challenging, but you only lose when you give up, so try.”  “He left you here to do more than just exist.”  Yes I have a brain injury and I’m different now, but it doesn’t define me.  I don’t let it.  I was Robin before, and I’m Robin now, just “an edition” as my brother said last night.  He’s right.  Same Robin, different edition because of an addition. Haha!! I just work with what I have and do what I can.  Self awareness has been good to me, indeed! There are adjustments I have made. probably more to be made, and it’s been a remarkable nearly 3 years (in February) since I began this “new normal,” but I’d say I’ve handled it quite well given the circumstances.

Today is the best I’ve felt since I started feeling unwell on Friday, so I got up and got some work done from home! Bills are paid for the month as of today, and laundry is in the works. Even though I’m under the weather, I still handle my business.  I’m proud of me for that and still taking matters into my own hands.  I’m just grateful and blessed to be able to have the finances to do what I need to do, and most of what I want to do. That’s definitely a good start to the new year.  Can’t complain about that!  Just gonna focus on ridding myself of this illness, and hopefully making the trip I want to make.  Then I’m gonna begin Spring 2015 semester ready to go!  Let’s get it! :)

Hope that you’re all feeling (and doing) well, wherever you are!  Of course, as always, remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!

Happy Flu Year!!!

Love this! Everyday we have a chance to live is another day to write a new page the the story of our lives. What do you want your story to read? Make it happen, because as long as you’re alive and willing, there are great things you can do! Believe and achieve :)

Happy new year as well. :)

The only shot I took was a shot of Nyquil, and I dealt with a Nyquil hangover for most of today. Hahaha!

That’s right, yours truly has managed to catch type A influenza, also known as “the flu.”  I should have known something was up when I had to use my inhaler one day last week (I have asthma, but it has been much less severe since my aneurysm rupture/brain surgery–not sure how or if those two are even linked, but I have noticed it) because I felt like I wasn’t breathing as well as I should be.  I started getting the sniffles and a tickle in my throat on Saturday night around 8:30 PM.  By Sunday morning, I woke up with a fever, lots of coughing and I just knew.  Me being me, I wanted to just wait it out and hoped that it might “just” be bronchitis, but that little voice popped in the back of my mind reminding me of hospitalization, so I went to the doctor on Monday morning.  Everyone in the waiting room sounded just like me.  That same, chest rattling cough, people looked miserable and the room echoed with groans of “can this please just go away?”  Not fun.  There was also over a 2 hour wait, so I left to avoid anymore germs than what I had already been graced with, and went back when it was closer to time to see my doctor.  She ordered a nasal swab and about 20 minutes later called me back into the office to tell me it tested positive for type A flu.  Awesome, I’m one of the lucky Texans to have caught it!!!

Not really.  But seriously, I caught it before the 48 hour mark, so I was able to start Tamiflu with high hopes for some lessening of symptoms and a shorter duration.  That’s gotta be worth something, right?  It better be… Tamiflu is outrageously expensive.  The flu shot is much cheaper, I’m sure.  Haha.  This year, I will find the time to go and get a flu shot.  2013 was the first year in several years that I haven’t been offered the shot through my place of employment.  I could have just went to the pharmacy and got one, but I never found the time, or I never made the time.  I won’t make that choice again! Of course this would all happen just two days before my new insurance became effective.  Anyway, I am blessed to have had the funds to buy the Tamiflu and I had a gift card I used to help pay for other flu essentials (Tylenol, Motrin, cough drops, Pedialyte to stay hydrated, all of that “fun” stuff) to help me fight through this.  I’m also very thankful that we caught it before anything got worse.  With asthma, you don’t want to chance any respiratory infections, because they can go from being something mild to something very severe, very quickly.  After 2012 (I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my aneurysm rupture and surgery!), I am all “hospitaled out.”  No. Thank. You.

So, I have been spending the week resting, aching in my abdominal area from all of the coughing, sounding hoarse, and getting some laughs in where I can.  It’s not so bad, because I definitely need rest after the holiday season in retail.  I worked some weird shifts and it’s really just exhausting with so much going on at once… It’s been almost 2 years, and my brain still can’t “hang like it used to” before the rupture and consequent brain injury.  It just wears me out, but somehow I go into autopilot and just do it.  This is my chance to rest, because it’s a new year, so you better believe I am looking forward! :)

I don’t know what this year holds, but I do know that I am probably stronger now than I have ever been before, and that with my faith and will to fight through, trusting in Him, I will be victorious.

This is my hope. :)

Hope that everyone is doing (and feeling) well wherever you are!  I hope you had a good Christmas, and that you have a wonderful new year!  I hope to be able to blog more often this year, and I apologize for the long hiatus in my writing.  I just have a single track focus, and I needed to get through this season at work, plus some other issues that needed my attention.  Everything is sorting out though, and I am thankful for it. :)  I’m gonna go back to my cozy spot on the couch, continue watching shows on Netflix, eat some ice cream, then call it a night.

Keep the faith, keep the fight!