Welcome.

It has been a very long time since I’ve written anything publicly, but today, a status I wrote and shared on Facebook last year showed up during an Instagram scroll and I felt it heavy on my heart to come share. As I was preparing to write, “you are changing everything” started playing in my mind, so I am also sharing that song after the post! It’s “I am Loved” by Mack Brock, and it’s really a beautiful song. Music is such a gift, and I am truly thankful I am able to hear and I did not lose the ability in my stroke. Anyway, let me move on to the post I know I need to share here on a bigger platform. Please feel free to share it with the next person if you feel inclined to do so.

I wrote this on June 20, 2020 and it seems even more relevant today than it did then! That’s how I receive messages and epiphanies, though. I will write them in the moment when they’re pressing on my spirit, but it seems like they grow in strength over time and the next time I see it is the right time for me to see it. Reading these “on my spirit” posts is really like recognizing my past self is always looking out for my future self. Divine timing, indeed. Alright, here goes!

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New blessings are on the way, but they can’t exist where they don’t have space to exist. Do some inventory, clean up and clear out space for what wants to come in.

Give yourself space. Nurture. Get out in nature and just observe a while. Watch the cycle of life through a day, because it is a microcosm of the macrocosm that is us. Take notes, everything is cyclical.

Slow down, don’t be in a rush to go nowhere fast. Direction matters as much as the destination. Move with purpose, but first, just be. Just be, life is not always about doing, going, moving, producing, seeing results in real time.

Nothing can grow when it’s in the wrong environment, and flowers don’t bloom where you don’t plant seeds and tend to the garden. Know this, remember this, act with this in mind, and prepare the space. Literally, figuratively, you know what this means to you.

This is personal. This is private. This is self care, self love, soul work, from the very root. This is foundational, and this is a fresh start. You deserve this, so allow it. Act in ways that align with that’s already yours, even if you don’t see it yet. Your examination, movement, reflection and thoughts are an energy exchange and the world moves when you move. Trust.

Let it flow. Let yourself feel, because you are human and you are whole. You are safe. Wholeness functions holistically and in a balanced system. You have to balance the scales to be at your best. When you are at your personal best so is all around you.

Do not block your blessings. Review. Release so you are able to receive. Believe in what you achieve because it already believes in you. Name it and claim it, because it’s already yours.

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There you are! I hope this message speaks to someone today, or whenever you come across it. I named this post “welcome” because that’s the first word that jumped to my mind when I reflected on this sharing this post. It’s time to welcome what and who is truly for you, and be bold and courageous to create space for the new. Move forward in faith and leave fear behind. I know it isn’t easy, but it is worth it. The price of peace in your heart and soul are priceless and that alone should give you strength to do what you need to do and go where you need to go. That’s the hope I wish for you to take away from this post when you read it.

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As I always say, keep the faith, keep the fight!

All Good Things

The tens taught me the lesson of how to survive. The twenties will teach me the lesson of how to thrive.

What a decade, y’all! I’m sitting here writing this but I don’t even know if I have enough words to express what the last ten years have been like for me. First, I’m grateful for all things. I know approaching life from a place of gratitude opens the doors for more gratitude to flow in. In spite of every obstacle against me, in spite of every loss, in spite of every dark day, I persevered and I survived. I lived in a sowing season, and now it’s time to reap.

I learned more life lessons in ten years than I’ve learned in the entirety of my 32 years, and I know there’s a purpose in the pain even if it hurt (and sometimes still does) like hell. I learned how to lose gracefully and still ignite a spark of hope within, because keeping the flame alive provides light for the path I travel. I learned we are souls and our bodies are the vessels in which we reside. We are essence and energy and we exist here to learn. It’s not about what we get, but it’s all about what we give. Wealth isn’t only about money or material things, wealth is having peace within yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you, and that’s something no salary could ever give you. Be and stay true to you and claim that abundance.

I learned I give light, I give encouragement, I give fire and a passion for anything and anyone that matters to me. I learned my father raised me well, and my siblings and I are, without a doubt, carrying his legacy with us. I am so thankful for all of the time I had with him, because he established a foundation for us to only go up.

If things don’t feel good, find some good in it. If you can’t find the good, create something good and focus on that. I understand pain down to the very core of the soul, but I also understand purpose. Not everything that happens to you is about you. Sometimes things happen solely because we need to have our story to share, and we can’t empathize if we haven’t traveled that path. I did that. My stroke made sure of it, because not only did I face my own mortality at 24 years old, I had to begin a “new normal” I was not ready to start. It was very much do or die, and I chose to do, even if some days I felt like I might die.

I am petite, but I am also a powerhouse and nothing or no one will stop me once my mind is made up. I will stand, even if I stand alone. I will speak, I will use my voice and I will listen. I will help other stroke survivors (and those who love them) traveling down this path, because I’ve been there done that and have the scars to show it. I remember feeling like I was in a foreign land without a compass, guide or map. I remember being absolutely terrified that I would “just suddenly die” because I was no longer within the four walls of UT Southwestern. I remember the isolation, difficulty accepting or understanding, and devastation of watching everything I thought I knew, all I thought I would have, and everyone I thought knew me, just disappear literally overnight. There are no words I can share to express this type of pain, and I can feel the swelling in my chest as I write this, because I know I do not want anyone to suffer in that place by themselves. I am here because I’m supposed to be here. I am here for you, and I am thankful I’m able to communicate.

I’ve said it before, but had the stroke taken place in the same lobes, but on the left side of my brain, it’s very likely I could’ve lost my ability to speak or understand words at all. It’s due to aphasia, and the thought of it makes me want to cry. I remember having some issues with language early on in my recovery and that’s what showed my dad something actually did change. Some days I still have slip ups with using the correct word but the wrong way. For instance, I would write “I can here you” or something like that, but I meant “hear.” It’s actually kind of scary to experience, because you know what’s right, but your brain literally doesn’t function well enough to notice it or correct it. I will be “eight years old” in my new normal, in February and I still have days where my processing of language is slower. There is such an odd feeling of being trapped inside your own body and knowing what you know you know, but not being able to express it. It’s really quite alarming, and I just know if I can help even one person know this could be one deficit they have because of their stroke, then my own suffering is totally worth it.

Eight years is a long time, but not in the “new normal.” Life is different now, but life is still good. Some things have stayed the same, while some things have changed. One constant, though, is how I process sound. When too many people are speaking at once, my brain still processes the words as a foreign language. I don’t even know how to explain it, but even if I know they’re speaking English, my brain cannot make sense of the different sounds, so it just jumbles everything up. I can handle it a bit easier now, but it’s very tiring (in a neurological fatigue way) to me if I have to be in a loud-chaotic environment with too much noise at once. I have developed really good boundaries with myself and with others, and that helps me to keep moving forward! The more tired I am, the less I can handle, so I will just shut down or shut off. Usually this means putting on headphones, but I will also leave a place if I need to, because I know once I start flooding, it won’t be long before I become extremely irritable and/or a migraine develops.

Speaking of migraines, I know what it’s like to feel so bad, you really do wish you could just pull your head off of your body and get a new head. Thankfully I am well controlled now, thanks to Aimovig, but I do still have “bad brain days.” On those days, I just have to shut down because I can’t focus or function and I don’t want to be mean to people or myself. I have to be quiet and be in the quiet.

Quiet. That’s how the majority of my year was, last year. I spent nine months just trying to process what actually happened (graduating college with honors is a big deal and even more so when you did it with an acquired brain injury, after an eight year break from the first time you went to school) in the four years prior, and since I had time to just be, everything came rushing in. I had to process that I really did do it, I really did keep that promise to myself and my dad, that I would finish school and I would graduate with honors. Sometimes it still shocks me, because it seems so surreal but it really happened! I am so proud of myself and I know this is only beginning.

In the quiet, I had to process the death of my dad and since I knew I wasn’t handling it so well but I didn’t want to turn to an unhealthy coping mechanism, I chose to get back into therapy. I have a great psychologist and she has helped me so much. I learned about delayed grief and I turned back to writing (not publicly) to help me express what I was feeling and get it out. I had to be still, so really even though it was not easy, it was necessary that I did not immediately start working like I’d planned to do. None of my job interviews (if I even got to that point) resulted in an offer and I was so upset for so long. However, one day when I got tired of being tired, I told myself to to step back and think of what did happen. I did get back into therapy, I did make myself an exercise regimen I could stick to, I did spend time reading and reflection of what is still good. I needed that stillness. Just because it doesn’t look like anything is happening doesn’t mean nothing is happening, it means you can’t see it externally yet, but the change and growth is happening within. That is a major lesson and it’s one I will carry with me for as long as I live.

I learned it’s okay not to be okay. I learned you can go there, but don’t stay there. “There” being wherever you go to feel whatever you feel, and just letting yourself be there and feel it. That’s okay, it means you are being true to yourself and allowing yourself to go through the cycle. Do not let it stop you from living your life, though. If you’re still here, you’ve still got purpose, and you need to trust in that. Find some way to release it and be kind to yourself, because you’re always a work in progress.

The tens taught me how to survive. The twenties are going to teach me how to thrive. I release the past decade in gratitude, standing strong in my power and following the path of purpose. I give thanks for all that was. I welcome this new decade with an open heart, and give thanks for all that is and all that will be.

The lesson lately has been “keep going, keep growing” and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I am blessed to be here and I am excited to see what “all good things” looks like, lived out. I welcome balance and peace as I continue to move forward in this life of mine. I can feel this hope deep inside of my soul, it makes my body feel electric and I know it’s because there is greater and there this more ahead. All that was lost is not a loss, and there is a lesson to be learned, regardless.

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing and feeling well, wherever you are. I hope you have a great new year and always remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.

2020, let’s do this! It’s only up from here!

“If at first you don’t succeed,

dust yourself off and try again.”

Read this quote and loved it! It’s a perfect reminder to just keep going!

At the end of Spring 2014 semester, I felt accomplished, but a piece of me also felt let down.  Yes, I went back to school and I really sought to learn.  I sought to do more than just memorize, I wanted to learn new information, retain it and be able to recall it.  I attended classes, I attended labs, I did projects, I studied, I passed tests, I failed tests.  I was tired, but I still got up and went.  I had awful barometric pressure headaches, which led to concentration and focus issues, and memory lapses.  I still fought through it.  In the end, though, I let myself down because I didn’t reach the goals I had set out for myself. Also because of the standards set for me by the people who are walking through this journey with me, I felt as though I let them down, and that is the last thing I want to do.  There is nothing more I hate than disappointing myself or having someone disappointed in me, and there is no one who is more difficult on me than I am.

So what was the solution?  First, I was absolutely exhausted.  Mentally drained and stressed because I needed to revise the game plan.  The number one item on my itinerary was crossing graduate May 2017 off of the list.  Did I want to do that?  Absolutely not.  Did I need to do that?  Absolutely!  I remember sitting in the parking lot outside of my advisor’s office and I thought “Robin, get over yourself.  You wanted this, but you also need to learn to make adjustments.  Remember when you began this journey last September?  What did you promise yourself?  Now hold true to that.  You hate when people lie to you, so don’t lie to yourself.  You can do this, so get up and do it.”

 

That was it for me.  I went to meet with my advisor, and together we revised my schedule.  I chose to take one less class so that I could gain better footing on “how to college,” and give myself adequate time to adjust to this new season.  I honestly did too much too quickly in my first semester back to the world of academia.  A 6 year break in school wouldn’t be kind to many people, and that holds doubly so for someone with a brain injury mostly manifesting itself in cognitive deficits.  I know I write well, but that’s also not the area of my brain that is most damaged.  Brain injury is such a strange adventure because often, you can’t even tell that there’s anything “wrong” until you’re in a certain situation.  I recall plenty of times I’d be right in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was trying to say. Or I’d have studied information for a test and knew it like the back of my hand, then get to the actual test, allow anxiety to overtake me, and end up doing subpar.

That was not okay with me.  I am of the mindset that if I’m not going to make the best of what I have and apply 100% (and then some) of myself, then I may as well just stop doing what I’m doing. There is no reason for me to waste my time, money, energy or anyone else’s. I know God did not leave me here to just “maybe” do well and be well.  He left me here in as great of condition as He did (all things considered) to really embrace what I’m capable of, and I knew I was capable of more than what I ended up with at the end of the semester.

After working with my advisor and vocational rehabilitation counselor, we all agreed on a new plan for the next few semesters and I am very happy to report that it worked!  I saw my neurologist in October as well and I am still seizure free, praise God!  I still have some scary moments where I have what I believe are seizure auras, but they stop there.  I still experience severe migraines due to the barometric pressure, but something has changed.  I believe with a bit less stress on my mind, I’m better equipped to deal with physical pain.  I chose to go to school every day (M-F) and take all 8 AM classes when my mind was fresh, that made a huge difference, as did taking all my classes traditionally, face to face lectures.  I still made it a point to sit in the front or as close to the front and center as possible, and I took very, very detailed notes.  I stepped up, took initiative and really pushed myself to stay disciplined with studying, reaching out for clarification to help myself grasp concepts, and in constant contact with my professors, neuro team, advisor, and counselors.  I am proud of me!  

After final grades, I raised my GPA up to a 3.3 and a 3.0 cumulative.  I only plan on going up from here!  I am proud of me, and I am really looking forward to next semester and beyond.  I have no doubts now that I can do this college thing, and Fall 2014 proved it to me. Yes, because my program of study is only offered once a year, I delayed my graduation by a year, but that’s okay.  The goal is to finish strong, not necessarily quickly.  I know I couldn’t keep going the pace at which I began, so I slowed down my run to a steady jog and I’m going to keep running this race until I reach that finish line.  Let’s do this!

Hope all is well with you, wherever you are!  I will be have to write more while I’m out on break.  I just had to prioritize differently this semester, and that’s why there’s been such a gap in my writing.  All is well though, just taking things one day at a time and still loving life.  I am blessed, indeed!

Remember, keep the faith, keep the fight!

This isn’t what I ordered

but it’s what has been given to me.

Just a solid reminder of how I have to do life now, and it encourages me to keep going forward!

As I approach my two year blog-iversary and near 2 1/2 years post stroke/ruptured brain aneurysm survivor, I find myself looking back on this journey.  How have I handled what’s been given to me?  I would have never imagined that this could have happened to me, or that I’d be someone with a brain injury.  It’s just not something you plan on when you think about your life path or future.  Yet, it’s what I deal with everyday.  I try to choose how I’ll tackle the day, and I try to choose to do it with a heart of gratitude that I’m even here and doing as well as I am, all things considered.  It’s not an easy choice, but it makes the days go by easier when I have a positive outlook. A new epiphany has arisen from this experience… If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.

 

I have been dealing with way too many migraines the past few weeks.  In fact, I had a neurologist appointment last Friday to discuss where to go from here, and have began a new medication to try and reduce the number and severity of migraines.  I am hoping this is a good start so that I can be focused in time for school to begin this August.  As for my first semester back since 2008, I finished up on May 7 and I had somewhat of a mental collapse.  Nothing happened to me physically, I just felt like I finished a mental marathon (which, really, I had) and passed out at the finish line!  Pursuing higher education with a brain injury is truly equivalent to running a race with an injured leg.  There’s no other way to cross that finish line, but to push through and give it all you’ve got.  I made it through the semester, but I really don’t think it should have been that hard.  I had a lot of migraines and coupled with my perfectionist attitude and determination to get through, it was probably too much at once.

 

I took 13 hours and  I have decided to cut back a bit just because the cycle of “have to make perfect grades” causing me a migraine, which made me tired, which made my memory suffer even more from lack of sleep is just not something I wish to repeat semester after semester.  Yes, this will set me back a year in my program, but that’s okay.  If I want to reach the ultimate goal (obtaining my BSRT) then I have to pace myself.  That’s how I’m handling it.  It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need to do.

 

It’s just honestly so easy to get caught on the “complain train” as I call it.  That part of the journey where something else happens and you just get so down, you just want to complain and cry.  I have experienced (still, 2+ years later) many “down days” where I just get mad at God for leaving me here.  Why would He just leave me here if I’m only going to feel so bad some days?  Doesn’t He care?  What is the point?  I can’t be happy, I won’t be my usually smiling self, I’ll be even more introverted than I already am because I just don’t feel like being around anyone when my skull feels like it’s closing as my brain is trying to expand, at the same time.  Yes, that’s how my migraines feel.  I can’t even think straight, I get lightheaded, and I sometimes end up crying.  Those who know me best know that I do not cry.  I am not the crying type.  If I’m crying, something is either very right or very wrong.  Many times this year, I have had those crying days where I’m so tired, frustrated, head is raging in pain and I just ask Him to please be with me.  He has continued to show Himself to me throughout this journey and it’s really remarkable.

 This isn’t even about me, it’s about Him and how He is able to work.  I am merely a vessel.  Don’t know why He chose me, or chose this path for me, but I trust Him.  He hasn’t failed me yet.

 

When I look back through pictures, journals, and well wishes from those weeks in the hospital, I’m just reminded of how faithful He has been.  Through everything, and I feel guilty for complaining.  He never said we wouldn’t have struggles, He said He would never leave us.  I just ask for the strength and grace to suffer well.  He knows it’s not easy, He sees my heart and already knows every turn my life will take before I can even comprehend what’s currently happening.  I just have to trust Him in the process.

 

Absolutely love this song! It’s Desert Song by Hillsong

 

 

I have had a moment of clarity tonight and just wanted to write a little something since it’s been so long since I’ve written a “real” blog.  I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying my best to stay on the up side, and keep healthy.  I hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

 

I’m still here!

Hello, all you readers out there, near and far!

Just making it known that I’m still here, I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write.  It takes a certain mindset for me, and I’m not “there” right now.  Hopefully soon, though.  There is much to blog about since finishing my first semester back to school and diving into Summer.

In the meantime, however, I do want to “say” that I love looking at the analytics of my blog and seeing viewers from all over the world.  That’s so awesome to me!  I’m glad that y’all can come here and feel like you can relate.

The blog that receives the most attention is still “This One is For Us” and  I don’t mind that at all.   In fact,  I want to make it known that I don’t care if you share that blog somewhere or print it out to share with someone who may need it, just make sure it’s credited to me since it is my original piece, thoughts, and story.   I am very grateful to be able to impact others as I know how murky the waters of brain injury are, and it just helps to have a little light out there.  I get it.

 

That’s why I write.  It helps me heal, but it also gives a voice to others and for others.
Perhaps that’s part of the reason why He left me here with my language/speech center (left temporal lobe) still intact, is because He knew writing is my catharsis and that I’m also the open to sharing type.  He knew I would be able to be a voice.  God has surely blessed me.  :)

I’ll come back sometime soon-ish and write!  Just wanted to drop a little something since it has been months.

 

Hope you are doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are.

Always remember, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Closing out.

As I sit here in a quiet house, the air conditioner is blowing, it’s dark in my room, and I have Ulysees (Justin Nozuka’s newest and most mellow, relaxing album) playing, I find myself in a reflective frame of mind.

Yesterday, I battled with a migraine that began on Saturday night as the storms approached.  Barometric pressure headaches are still a prevalent force in my “new normal,” and they are still a (literal) pain to deal with, because nearly nothing works to stop the pain.  However, since my city is in a severe drought, I still gave thanks to the Provider of the rain.  We are in desperate need and that is no exaggeration.  I stayed home from church, which isn’t what I wanted to do, but it’s what I felt best to do.  I know my tolerance levels and different “types” of headaches.  For this kind of headache (which seems like an understatement), it is best for me to be as mellow as possible.  Very little light, very little noise, very little motion.  So that’s what I did, and I still gave Him thanks for the rain, still reflected on what He’s done, who He is, and how He works in my life.

Then it hit me.

“I go back to school tomorrow, then there are just about two weeks of class before our finals.  That’s so awesome!”  But wait, this will be the first time I’ve taken a final since May 2008 which is the last time I was a student in a traditional classroom setting.  I consider myself forever a student of life. :)  Anyway, I started thinking about where this school journey began.  It was because of my seizure last year that I had to go see my neurologist, who then pointed me to the agency where I see my vocational counselor, who sent me for testing and we determined I would go back to school, where I am now studying for my bachelors of science in radiologic technology.  No seizure, no school.  Pretty much, that’s the story I would be telling.  It isn’t that I didn’t want to go back to school, it’s that I had no idea where to start or if I even could.  Hours and hours of neuropsychological testing, paperwork, several appointments and inventories over a period of 9 months led me to where I am today.   The neuropsych test results showed areas of deficits, but I do not have a learning disability.  I thought “okay, I can do this.  I’ll do this.”  I had to do all of the typical college student admissions process, transfer in my credits from previous schooling, financial aid… You know, all of that.  It was frustrating because I am honestly type A when it comes to “work stuff.”  Everything is on a schedule, I ask for clarification over and over again because I don’t want to mess up anything or delay anything.  I was that way before my aneurysm, and I’m even more like that now because it helps me stay on track.  My vocational counselor has been so incredibly encouraging and calming throughout everything, as have my closest friends who have offered their input and support.  I remember the early days of “if I go to school, what will I study?  What do you see me doing?” texts and phone calls to my friends and family.  I freaked out, I prayed, and then I chose the option that showed up in 3 areas of my career profile:  radiographer.

The morning of the day I had the seizure (that afternoon), I posted a screen shot of the verse of the day from my Bible app.  This was well before I had the seizure, and it continues to shape the path I’m traveling.  The scripture is Proverbs 19:21 which reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”  I’ll tell ya what, my plans for that day were not to have a grand mal seizure, spend the afternoon in the ER, have to deal with the emotional backlash of “If I left the house like I had planned, I could’ve killed us/someone else on the highway,” or the state of being postictal.  Not my plans at all, but maybe that event was part of His plans for me.  I’m not saying God said “I want Robin to have a seizure today,” but I am saying (once again) that He can use whatever he wants to steer me in another direction.  In ICU in 2012, I did tell Him “However You want to use me, please do it.  Thank You for this chance to live again, my life is Yours.”  Don’t pray about something if you don’t mean it.  He surely will use it!!!

He has been using all of this to shape me, and it’s a grueling but incredible experience.  I look back and see so much progress that I really can’t even believe.  I just wish I could’ve taken a photograph of my mind early 2012, vs now.  The differences would be stark in contrast to say the least.  I still have my “down days,” but I am also still hopeful everyday.  It isn’t easy to maintain a mindset of positivity, but it makes the road less challenging to travel!  The mind and body are interconnected and I have zero doubts of that, now more than ever.

My deficits show themselves in the world of academia, much more clearly than anywhere else.  Even when I was working, I didn’t notice them as much as I do around class.  It probably has something to do with the types of classes I’m taking this semester, as well as it “only” being two years since the stroke/surgery, first time in school in 5 1/2 years, and still healing.  To compensate, I keep a very structured planner, it’s color coded (as are all of my classes) and I try to keep my sleep schedule as close to the same time every night as is possible.  I stay in touch with my professors whether I see them in a traditional setting or an online class, I seek out extra help if I’m not understanding, and I have done a lot of “letting it go.”  I have to just realize that things aren’t the same as they were before, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what’s required of me.  I can, it just has to be done differently now and I have to show myself patience, persistence, and positivity.  I realize that I’m taking a massive leap by even attempting this, but I know my spirit, and it’s not one that backs away from a challenge.  I was born fighting (for my life, at 24 weeks gestation) and I know I will  live and die just the same way.  That’s okay!  It matters to be persistent and consistent, just like it matters to know when to push and when to back away.  I’m learning how this all works.  I’m getting brexercise (brain exercise) and acquiring new knowledge both in and out of the classroom everyday.  I am grateful!

I’m just really in awe of all that’s transpired since February 2012.  It’s really remarkable.  I go back through pictures and the journals I kept in those early days, and it motivates me to keep pushing.  If those were the worst days, surely I can continue through the tough days I have now.  Surely the friends who have managed to still be here for me will still help me through, and I know my family will support me.  It will all be okay!  I can’t (and won’t) ever stop thanking Him for this opportunity, or asking Him to keep leading my way, because if this isn’t what He wants for me, I don’t want it either.  :)

I know I’ll probably reach a point of information overload while studying for finals (I’m in 5 classes and 1 lab–full schedule for real), but I also know that my strict scheduling/organization towards school will help me through.  I know that still thanking Him, seeking Him, and believing His word “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is true will carry me through.  I’m gonna give it my best shot!  No doubt about it!

Just felt like writing this afternoon.

Hope you’re all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!  If you’re going through something, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!

Reflections.

February will forever be one of the most emotional times of my life.

Two years ago today marked the first full day in my “new” life. I came home on February 17, 2012 after living in a bubble of sorts at UT Southwestern. While I was glad to come home, I was absolutely terrified. I spent 12 1/2 days under 24 hour care of incredibly skilled medical professionals. I was leaving that safety zone and coming home with the instructions they gave me.  There were no swimming lessons about how to survive in the ocean that is brain injury, it was just sink or swim.

It’s been two years and some days I’m still absolutely terrified. This life is just so different, unpredictable, and honestly rather worrisome.  I have learned to tread water, but the waves can still overpower me at times.

When I reflect on how my life changed (literally) overnight, and how much is still ahead of me that I don’t know, I find that my only solace is knowing He still has plans for me here.  Surely He wouldn’t have left me here as He did for me to not have a purpose, right?  I’m seeking the reason why, but I still don’t think I’ve found it just yet.  I do feel I’m getting closer.  It seems like I’m playing a game of hot and cold and I’m getting a little warmer.

This new life is still so elusive and just when I think I’ve captured its essence, it escapes me again.  I still question everything.  Where am I going?  Why can’t I concentrate?  What does He want me to do?  Can I do this?  Is this in my best interest?  I hope I’m doing everything I can to help myself heal as best as I can.

February 6, 2014 is my annie-versary and the day that I beat the aneurysm, thanks to the skills of an incredible staff.  Two years out, life is good but it still feels like an alternate reality or some strange dream I just can’t wake up from.  It’s really very hard to put into words.
So, to remember where I am in all of this, I have to say what it’s like being two years out…

I still experience headaches, most often in the form of barometric pressure headaches.  If there’s a shift in the weather, I can tell you days in advance.  Who knew brain surgery could turn a person into a meteorologist? Haha!

I still become exhausted.  I think it’s more mental exhaustion, but it just seems to trickle straight down from my brain to my toes.  I can’t describe it, but once it hits, that’s it.  I’m done.  If I don’t rest, I will probably burst into tears.  Not because I’m sad, but because I’m so tired that I just cannot do anything else.

I still experience “emotions on steroids.”  That’s really the only way I can accurately describe what I feel.  Sometimes the emotions that I experience are overwhelming.  I very rarely ever cried before I became ill, but now just the smallest things will cause tears to well up in my eyes.  It’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just different.  When I’m happy, I’m really happy.  When I’m sad, I’m really sad.  I was always a sensitive person (more in the way of being sensitive to my environment rather than an emotional response) before, but now it’s magnified.  I just pick up on so much now that it’s like I have an antenna for a brain. Haha I don’t know, it’s the strangest thing.

My short term memory is still very short.   Unless I commit something to memory by repetition, or write it down and memorize it because I see it, I will forget it.  No, I’m not doing this to be difficult.  I genuinely forget.  I know that it can be frustrating to people because I’m “only” 26, and I shouldn’t have these issues, but it’s not an act.  Sticky notes and I have become best friends pretty much.

Multitasking is a long lost love. Yeah, it’s not gonna happen.  I can truthfully only focus on one thing at a time.  In order to do this, I prioritize everything.  I have lists, I have planners, I have alarms and calendars in my phone, I have sticky notes, notebooks, and a color coding system for school but I still have issues trying to keep it all in order.  It can just be overwhelming.

I become frustrated with myself.  I am not used to this life yet.  I’m not used to having to write it down or forget it, losing my thoughts right in the middle of sentences, nearly daily headaches, or the fatigue.  The brain fog is so annoying when all I want to do is focus, and I just get upset.  I have to remind myself to be kind with myself and be patient, because getting all worked up will not help me at all.  That’s partially why I have such an “OCD” system in place.  It keeps me calm.

My scars continue to make themselves known to me.  Just in case I ever think this is some weird dream, my incision and surrounding areas will randomly ache or itch.  The back right side of my head is still lacking sensation, probably from where nerves were cut.  I sometimes still have a lot of tenderness on the right temporal side, and the indentations are still felt.  It’s not a dream, I’m not going to wake up from this, and I am really here.  It’s just surreal, and I don’t know when/if it will ever seem real.

I finally gathered the strength to read my medical records. 225 pages worth of them, anyway.  That was something else.  I have absolutely 0 memory for 9 days of the 12 1/2 where I was hospitalized.  It’s probably a combination of brain trauma, the heavy medications I was under, and perhaps a protective mechanism that I don’t remember.  I was so afraid for the longest time to get my medical records because I kept thinking something would make sense and I would have a flashback.  What happened when I read them?  Tears, awe, many “Thank You’s” to Him, and a lot of inspiration for me to keep pursuing my goals of getting my bachelors of science in radiologic technology.  It was very humbling and motivating for me to read my records but it still feels like I’m reading about someone else’s life.  I guess it will just be this way, or maybe I haven’t fully accepted that this really did happen. I’m not sure what it is.

Tolerating my medications well.  I saw my neurologist on the 11th for a checkup since my seizure in April 2013.  I am still taking Keppra 500 mg 2 x/day and I have no issues with it.  I do take a B complex vitamin to counteract any additional fatigue it might cause, and that seems to help.  My neurologist did prescribe me a medication to take for my barometric pressure headaches.  I wanted something stronger than OTC Tylenol or Motrin, but not a narcotic.  I’m in school full time, so I need as much brain power as possible which also means I need to be as alert and pain free as possible.  Thankfully, Fioricet can fit that bill.  If anything changes, I will call her, but I’ve taken it a couple of times now and it seems to work as long as I take it when I feel “that kind” of headache coming on.  Yes, my headaches have categories and I can definitely tell the differences between them.

Fighting fear with faith.  Because of my grand mal, I now get a bit panicked when I hear a ringing or buzzing sound in my ear.   My aura to the seizure was a “cloudy, buzzing, foggy” sound and to me it was real, but I don’t think it was actually real.  I just remember hearing that sound, looking in the mirror where I was sitting and I had a dreadful feeling in my stomach.  I “knew” I was going to have a seizure.  I have no idea how I got across the room or how long I was out.  The only other person in the room with me was a 3 year old and she had no clue what was going on.  I don’t know when it was that my mom saw me, when she called the ambulance, or when an EMT was standing over me telling me “you had a seizure.”  All I remember was that sound, that dread in my stomach, trying to ask for help and seeing my mouth move but nothing was coming out, and the anger I felt at “not again” when I “woke up” with some random guy standing over me just like the night of my rupture. I really hope to never experience (any type) of seizure ever again.  I feel for people who experience them often or have epilepsy.  It is no joke!!!

Amazed.  When I really sit down and think about where I was this time last year, and where I was this time two years ago, “amazing” is the only word that can come close to what I think.  It’s just all so… Unbelievable.  How do I go from being nearly dead, to being back in school full time working towards a goal of giving back to others like those who gave to me?  How do I go from taking life for granted because I’m young (I was 24 at the time my “brain exploded) so surely I’ll “live forever, ” to the mindset of “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise?”  How do I go from having God on stand by “if” I need Him, to the realization that He is always standing by me and He has carried me all along?

This has been the most trying, incredible, eye opening, painful, beautiful journey and I am truly blessed to walk it.  All of the survivor friends I have met along the way are such motivators for me to keep pressing on.  I’m not going to lie, I am a very intellectual person, but school with a brain injury is such a challenge.  It’s one I’m willing to fight through, because it’s worth it.  My survivor friends are worth it.  Being able to give back to other people who could be afflicted with this illness or any other type of brain injury completely fuels me.

I never knew the power of love until I realized how much people care.  Family is so important, friends are so important.  It is so important for you to show your support to people when they are hurting.  Even if they never tell you, it means more to them than you’ll ever know.  I have always loved people whose actions and words match, but now it’s more crucial to me than ever before. If you say you’re going to be here, be here.  If you just talk a good game, but there’s no follow through, you’re not the type I want to associate with.  Call it harsh, but that’s the truth.  In this fragile state, I need the most solid supports I can find.  I have been that solid support for other people, and I expect the same in return.  Maybe it’s just my love languages talking, but acts of service and quality time mean the world to me.  You can say “I love you” all day long, but if you don’t actually show it by simply being with me, I won’t be able to trust your word.

I want to just keep going, keep making progress, keep staying positive, and keep reaching out to others like me.

If you’re going through a painful situation, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.  I know it hurts right now, but seasons always change.  Remember that.  If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.  Whatever you choose to feed in your mind is what grows.  Feed positivity and know that it’s a choice as to how you will live your life.  You have what it takes to get through it, you just have to hold on.  Feel all that you want to feel, but don’t ever remain in one spot.  You can go there, but don’t stay there.  That’s what I remind myself of whenever I hit a pothole in this road.  It’s not easy, but trying to stay as positive as possible really helps.

I’m happy to be alive, I’m grateful for each opportunity I have to comfort someone else “like me,” and I’m just really blessed. :)  That’s where I am at two years out, and it’s lookin’ pretty good.  I’m gonna keep marching forward!

Life, lately.

I have been one busy bee!!

As of January 13, 2014, I am officially a full time college student. I am taking 12 hours this semester, and I’m on campus for 2 classes and one lab.  I have three classes that I take online except for proctored exams.  Wow! It’s kind of crazy to “say” that after not being in school since May, 2008, but I am incredibly blessed for the opportunities presented to me, and I cannot wait to see where this journey takes me.

I have chosen to study radiology, and I am seeking the BSRT degree which is a bachelors of science in radiologic technology.  I chose this degree, because a CT scan was one of the first steps in saving my life on that cold, February night.  Due to the time of year and the symptoms I was presenting upon arrival to the E.R., I could have had many things wrong with me, so I could have been sent home with a migraine, the flu, stomach virus, just about any typical cold/virus one might catch during the Winter.  However, my mom spoke up and asked them to please do further testing since I hadn’t been complaining of anything, and that’s when they did the CT which showed the blood pooling in the subarachnoid space of my brain.

I got the medical records from both hospitals I was at from February 4-February 17, 2012, and I honestly got teary eyed reading the ER records because in the report, the radiologist noted that there was some bleeding and an aneurysm couldn’t be ruled out.
Well, yeah!  Definitely don’t rule that out.  From there, (and I have no memory), I’m assuming everything went very quickly because I also noted that I was sedated, intubated, and prepared for flight to UT Southwestern in Dallas.

One week from tomorrow marks two years since my entire life changed, and I just can’t believe that I was sitting in two classrooms today, working towards my degree.  I also got my first rad sci medical terminology grade back at 100%, and began working on my intro to radiologic sciences work today, and I just can’t believe this is my real life.

Like, how do you go from being nearly dead (prognosis was grim at 10-20% survival chances because of a grade 5-4 on the Hunt and Hess scale when I got to UTSW), to being in a classroom studying something you want to use to “give back” to those who gave to you, and help other people “like you” in less than two years?  Isn’t that something?

I’m really in awe of my life, and how everything has seriously worked out to my benefit.  You can’t see it while you’re in it, but there is always a purpose in the pain.  I get it now.  When I had my last seizure back in April 2013, I was so upset about everything. I was angry at the stupid “brain bubble,” (aneurysm), angry at my brain for not just working like a normal brain, angry at more medical debt because none of these tests, doctor’s visits, medications, ambulance rides, hospital visits are free, angry that I was 25 and 2013 was supposed to be better because 2012 was so horrific… So on and so forth.

But, looking back, now I can’t really find much to complain about.  Sure, it’s been a struggle and it will probably continue to be.  However, if I hadn’t had that seizure, I wouldn’t have been back to see my neurologist here in town.  If I hadn’t seen my neurologist, I would have never known about the services available to me because of my neurological condition that resulted in an acquired brain injury and cognitive deficits.  I wouldn’t have met my vocational counselor who helped me get to where I am today, and I (probably) wouldn’t be back at a university right now, taking classes to advance my own life as well as hopefully give hope and health to the lives of others.
See?  All things come full circle.  I am a very firm believer in Romans 8:28 which reads “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  I just didn’t see it while I was in it, but the pieces are finally starting to come together, and I am in awe at the picture of the puzzle.  God is so awesome, and I’ll never stop marveling at the ways in which He works.  I question them, but once I reach pinnacles like where I am now, look behind me, I can’t do anything but say “thank You!”  I have too much to be grateful for, to be complaining and not using this chance at life to better myself and make an impact for others.  That’s the entire purpose of my life.  I understand.  I even have a reminder I painted onto a canvas that hangs above my door.  I see it everyday before I go start a new day, and it keeps me grounded and focused.  I’m thankful He left me here in such great condition, and I’m grateful to have this opportunity to exercise my mind with academia.

I’m reaching a new place of peace, and comfort.  The past nearly two years don’t honestly seem “that bad” to me anymore.  Yes, what happened to me will always be a sore spot, and I do still get overwhelmed and emotional at times, but I can see the light ahead of me and it is looking bright.  I’m excited for 2014 already! :)  My eventual goal is of course to graduate with my BSRT, but I also want certification in CT (and probably other modalities) since that was step 1 in saving my life.  I would absolutely love to work in some kind of a neurological unit, because I’d have a dual understanding.  I know what it’s like to be the patient on the other end of those tests, and it can be nerve wracking for certain.  It’s always a comfort to find others who “get it” when you’re walking around with an invisible injury.  I’d be able to speak up and let them know they aren’t alone, and I truly do understand because this is what happened to me.  That’d be such an awesome gift, I think. :)  I’m marching onward!

Just wanted to write a little something now that I finally have some time to sit and think.  This entire month has been full of planning, adjusting, scheduling, rescheduling, learning, and it has been a lot for me to adjust to.  I’m trying to find “my groove” for school again, and today was the beginning of week 3.  Thanks to the help of some awesome friends of mine, and my own will to succeed + strict guidelines I set for myself, I believe I am on the right path to figuring out a balance for it all.  I’m ready for this!

Hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you may be!!  I just wanted to give an update and it helps me too, to see what I’m doing so I don’t lose focus or hope when things get trying.  It’s always a battle, but my mindset determines much along the way. :)

If you’re out there and going through something, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

Remember that!  If there’s something you want to do, and you have the ability to do it, then go do it!  Don’t wait around hoping that anything will “just happen” and definitely don’t live your life in fear.  It’s a waste of energy you could be dedicating towards something you love or have always wanted to do.  You’re alive for a reason, so use your life for something greater.  You can do it!!

Happy Flu Year!!!

Love this! Everyday we have a chance to live is another day to write a new page the the story of our lives. What do you want your story to read? Make it happen, because as long as you’re alive and willing, there are great things you can do! Believe and achieve :)

Happy new year as well. :)

The only shot I took was a shot of Nyquil, and I dealt with a Nyquil hangover for most of today. Hahaha!

That’s right, yours truly has managed to catch type A influenza, also known as “the flu.”  I should have known something was up when I had to use my inhaler one day last week (I have asthma, but it has been much less severe since my aneurysm rupture/brain surgery–not sure how or if those two are even linked, but I have noticed it) because I felt like I wasn’t breathing as well as I should be.  I started getting the sniffles and a tickle in my throat on Saturday night around 8:30 PM.  By Sunday morning, I woke up with a fever, lots of coughing and I just knew.  Me being me, I wanted to just wait it out and hoped that it might “just” be bronchitis, but that little voice popped in the back of my mind reminding me of hospitalization, so I went to the doctor on Monday morning.  Everyone in the waiting room sounded just like me.  That same, chest rattling cough, people looked miserable and the room echoed with groans of “can this please just go away?”  Not fun.  There was also over a 2 hour wait, so I left to avoid anymore germs than what I had already been graced with, and went back when it was closer to time to see my doctor.  She ordered a nasal swab and about 20 minutes later called me back into the office to tell me it tested positive for type A flu.  Awesome, I’m one of the lucky Texans to have caught it!!!

Not really.  But seriously, I caught it before the 48 hour mark, so I was able to start Tamiflu with high hopes for some lessening of symptoms and a shorter duration.  That’s gotta be worth something, right?  It better be… Tamiflu is outrageously expensive.  The flu shot is much cheaper, I’m sure.  Haha.  This year, I will find the time to go and get a flu shot.  2013 was the first year in several years that I haven’t been offered the shot through my place of employment.  I could have just went to the pharmacy and got one, but I never found the time, or I never made the time.  I won’t make that choice again! Of course this would all happen just two days before my new insurance became effective.  Anyway, I am blessed to have had the funds to buy the Tamiflu and I had a gift card I used to help pay for other flu essentials (Tylenol, Motrin, cough drops, Pedialyte to stay hydrated, all of that “fun” stuff) to help me fight through this.  I’m also very thankful that we caught it before anything got worse.  With asthma, you don’t want to chance any respiratory infections, because they can go from being something mild to something very severe, very quickly.  After 2012 (I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my aneurysm rupture and surgery!), I am all “hospitaled out.”  No. Thank. You.

So, I have been spending the week resting, aching in my abdominal area from all of the coughing, sounding hoarse, and getting some laughs in where I can.  It’s not so bad, because I definitely need rest after the holiday season in retail.  I worked some weird shifts and it’s really just exhausting with so much going on at once… It’s been almost 2 years, and my brain still can’t “hang like it used to” before the rupture and consequent brain injury.  It just wears me out, but somehow I go into autopilot and just do it.  This is my chance to rest, because it’s a new year, so you better believe I am looking forward! :)

I don’t know what this year holds, but I do know that I am probably stronger now than I have ever been before, and that with my faith and will to fight through, trusting in Him, I will be victorious.

This is my hope. :)

Hope that everyone is doing (and feeling) well wherever you are!  I hope you had a good Christmas, and that you have a wonderful new year!  I hope to be able to blog more often this year, and I apologize for the long hiatus in my writing.  I just have a single track focus, and I needed to get through this season at work, plus some other issues that needed my attention.  Everything is sorting out though, and I am thankful for it. :)  I’m gonna go back to my cozy spot on the couch, continue watching shows on Netflix, eat some ice cream, then call it a night.

Keep the faith, keep the fight!

Well hello!

This has been my life lately.

It has been well over a month since I have blogged anything.

I just want to say that I am alive and I am alright.  I have just had to step back from the social media/blogging world to focus on real life pursuits. :)  I’ll be back when my head is clearer and I feel like I can write something that actually makes sense.  Haha, I’ve had some foggy brain days with everything going on, and it is not conducive to coherent writing!  I want to actually feel like my writing is “saying” something, and when I’m unable to think clearly/concentrate, I don’t feel like the message I want to share is actually being translated.  My focus has been entirely scattered, and it’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just not the best for being able to write well.

Lots of changes and I’m just trying to take them all in stride.  Baby steps, and slowly making my way forward.

Hope that you are doing and feeling well wherever you are.

Keep the faith, keep the fight!! :)