I have no words but these.

 

 

Sometimes I’m just completely humbled by how much God has had (and still does have) His hand over my life.  It’s one thing to know it inherently, but another thing to watch Him work actively.  Today, I just have to share with anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, the praise that hit me in the heart this afternoon!

 

Today, I got a letter in the mail, of considerable importance.  It only reinforced that He is still here with me.  The most telling part of this entire journey, to me, is my note written in my journal from while I was in ICU.  I have absolutely zero memory, but just a few words still make me shed tears today.  They’re just so poignant, revealing and hopeful that I cannot resist sharing again.  One of my very best friends took a picture of it and I am so, so, so blessed to have a mom and sister who know me well enough to know that I’d have questions, want answers, and that writing is a great medium for me to seek peace.

 

Rachel held my journal and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. I couldn’t physically speak because I was intubated, but somehow between all of the medical intervention and medication, I was lucid enough to tell her what I knew in my spirit and soul. Praise God!!!
In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something my mom probably said. I know mom asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.”
Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!

 

I tear up every single time I see this picture, and I cry every time I read the journal.  This journey has just been remarkable.  So full of growth, challenge, opposition, but also a very spiritually nourishing and healing journey.  I am blessed to be able to walk it.  I tell people “it’s the best worst thing to ever happen to me” and I mean that.  Without my ruptured brain aneurysm/SAH/hemorrhagic stroke, I wouldn’t have my eyes as open as they are today.

I just see life differently now.  I don’t live for me, I live for Him and solely want to fulfill His purpose for me here, whatever that may be. I told Him in ICU to “please, just use me.  Whatever You need to do, use me.  Please.”  I didn’t know exactly what those words meant at the time, but I know I was sincere because I remember shedding quiet tears.  As I said before, I am not the crying type.  Tears are serious business ’round these parts!  Haha :)  But I meant it!  I still mean it today, and He has been using me.   The transition between working close to 60 hours per week, two jobs, insane retail hours, doing whatever I want whenever I want and feeling highly unproductive, choosing not to work because I chose school and can only focus on one thing at a time, too much free time, and closely monitoring every move I make has not been easy.  I may not have physically died (although very close, as my SAH grade was 4-5 meaning 20-10% chances of survival or severe deficits should I survive) but a great part of me died.

 

I went from 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days as “normal Robin” to a “new Robin” literally  overnight.  I wasn’t prepared for that and I’m still not prepared, honestly.   I just try to roll with all of the waves and keep swimming.  My mom continuously told me in ICU during one of my many teary outbursts, “you’re going to be a better Robin than you were before.”  I didn’t want to hear that!  I wanted to hear that I could just resume life where it was rudely interrupted by the 2 mm aneurysm in my right temporal/frontal lobe area.  I was so insatiably curious for knowledge of any detail about what happened to me, because I’m a very inquisitive person innately.  When I read that 2 mm is less than the thickness of 2 dimes stacked on top of each other, I wanted to scream.  “Are you kidding me?  This tiny, tiny little “bubble” nearly cost me my life?  Why would You allow that, God?  I thought You wanted good for me?  How is this good?”

 

But I see now, it’s good, because it’s how He is able to use me.  He couldn’t use me as He is now in the lifestyle I was living before.  I was running so fast, go, go, go all the time.  I didn’t spend time with Him, I didn’t seek Him.  I wasn’t doing my part in our relationship to keep the bond strong, but yet He never left me.  Honestly, He was quietly waiting in the background of my mind when He should have had the only front row seat.  I believe in complete conviction, that God will give you more than you can handle.  He will, because it forces you to lean on Him for the support.  You don’t have to share that belief, but it won’t change my mind.  I just know He’s ever present; just as much now as I’m continuing to take three steps forward, and two steps back, through the days when the sun is shining and when the clouds are covering everything.  He is good to me, and I am so grateful and blessed!!!

 

I am blessed by you reading this, I am blessed by knowing chronic pain because I can relate to others who suffer with chronic pain, even if they suffer differently than I do.  I am blessed because I know at a young age that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise, and so I take each day and moment as the gift it truly is.  I cherish life.  I don’t always feel good, but I always try to think good thoughts because I know I serve a God who wants good things for me.  Romans 12:2 reads (NIV)  “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  I claim this verse often.  Ro is one of my (many) nicknames, 12/2 is my birthday, and this journey has been a literal transformation of my physical mind, but also my spiritual mind.  I praise God!

I am so blessed, and I’m not ashamed to give credit to The One who has used  His people as His instruments here on this Earth to help save my life.  I have a dream in my heart, and I refuse to abandon it.  Thank you all for joining me on this journey.

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

This isn’t what I ordered

but it’s what has been given to me.

Just a solid reminder of how I have to do life now, and it encourages me to keep going forward!

As I approach my two year blog-iversary and near 2 1/2 years post stroke/ruptured brain aneurysm survivor, I find myself looking back on this journey.  How have I handled what’s been given to me?  I would have never imagined that this could have happened to me, or that I’d be someone with a brain injury.  It’s just not something you plan on when you think about your life path or future.  Yet, it’s what I deal with everyday.  I try to choose how I’ll tackle the day, and I try to choose to do it with a heart of gratitude that I’m even here and doing as well as I am, all things considered.  It’s not an easy choice, but it makes the days go by easier when I have a positive outlook. A new epiphany has arisen from this experience… If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.

 

I have been dealing with way too many migraines the past few weeks.  In fact, I had a neurologist appointment last Friday to discuss where to go from here, and have began a new medication to try and reduce the number and severity of migraines.  I am hoping this is a good start so that I can be focused in time for school to begin this August.  As for my first semester back since 2008, I finished up on May 7 and I had somewhat of a mental collapse.  Nothing happened to me physically, I just felt like I finished a mental marathon (which, really, I had) and passed out at the finish line!  Pursuing higher education with a brain injury is truly equivalent to running a race with an injured leg.  There’s no other way to cross that finish line, but to push through and give it all you’ve got.  I made it through the semester, but I really don’t think it should have been that hard.  I had a lot of migraines and coupled with my perfectionist attitude and determination to get through, it was probably too much at once.

 

I took 13 hours and  I have decided to cut back a bit just because the cycle of “have to make perfect grades” causing me a migraine, which made me tired, which made my memory suffer even more from lack of sleep is just not something I wish to repeat semester after semester.  Yes, this will set me back a year in my program, but that’s okay.  If I want to reach the ultimate goal (obtaining my BSRT) then I have to pace myself.  That’s how I’m handling it.  It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need to do.

 

It’s just honestly so easy to get caught on the “complain train” as I call it.  That part of the journey where something else happens and you just get so down, you just want to complain and cry.  I have experienced (still, 2+ years later) many “down days” where I just get mad at God for leaving me here.  Why would He just leave me here if I’m only going to feel so bad some days?  Doesn’t He care?  What is the point?  I can’t be happy, I won’t be my usually smiling self, I’ll be even more introverted than I already am because I just don’t feel like being around anyone when my skull feels like it’s closing as my brain is trying to expand, at the same time.  Yes, that’s how my migraines feel.  I can’t even think straight, I get lightheaded, and I sometimes end up crying.  Those who know me best know that I do not cry.  I am not the crying type.  If I’m crying, something is either very right or very wrong.  Many times this year, I have had those crying days where I’m so tired, frustrated, head is raging in pain and I just ask Him to please be with me.  He has continued to show Himself to me throughout this journey and it’s really remarkable.

 This isn’t even about me, it’s about Him and how He is able to work.  I am merely a vessel.  Don’t know why He chose me, or chose this path for me, but I trust Him.  He hasn’t failed me yet.

 

When I look back through pictures, journals, and well wishes from those weeks in the hospital, I’m just reminded of how faithful He has been.  Through everything, and I feel guilty for complaining.  He never said we wouldn’t have struggles, He said He would never leave us.  I just ask for the strength and grace to suffer well.  He knows it’s not easy, He sees my heart and already knows every turn my life will take before I can even comprehend what’s currently happening.  I just have to trust Him in the process.

 

Absolutely love this song! It’s Desert Song by Hillsong

 

 

I have had a moment of clarity tonight and just wanted to write a little something since it’s been so long since I’ve written a “real” blog.  I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying my best to stay on the up side, and keep healthy.  I hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

 

I’m still here!

Hello, all you readers out there, near and far!

Just making it known that I’m still here, I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to write.  It takes a certain mindset for me, and I’m not “there” right now.  Hopefully soon, though.  There is much to blog about since finishing my first semester back to school and diving into Summer.

In the meantime, however, I do want to “say” that I love looking at the analytics of my blog and seeing viewers from all over the world.  That’s so awesome to me!  I’m glad that y’all can come here and feel like you can relate.

The blog that receives the most attention is still “This One is For Us” and  I don’t mind that at all.   In fact,  I want to make it known that I don’t care if you share that blog somewhere or print it out to share with someone who may need it, just make sure it’s credited to me since it is my original piece, thoughts, and story.   I am very grateful to be able to impact others as I know how murky the waters of brain injury are, and it just helps to have a little light out there.  I get it.

 

That’s why I write.  It helps me heal, but it also gives a voice to others and for others.
Perhaps that’s part of the reason why He left me here with my language/speech center (left temporal lobe) still intact, is because He knew writing is my catharsis and that I’m also the open to sharing type.  He knew I would be able to be a voice.  God has surely blessed me.  :)

I’ll come back sometime soon-ish and write!  Just wanted to drop a little something since it has been months.

 

Hope you are doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are.

Always remember, keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Random Musings.

I really don’t have much to say, except that today has been such a day of peace, acceptance, and love.

I am just so grateful for the people in my life.  A dear friend of mine, Michael and I shared some words this morning that were heartfelt and it just sent me on a mental journey of the love that’s been shown to me these past 17 months.  It’s really incredible to know how sacrificial, whole, non judgmental, authentic love feels.

God has really blessed me through the relationships I hold in my life.  I’m not referring to romantic relationships, haha, I have some incredibly solid friendships and a lot of them have turned into more familial relationships.  That’s so awesome.  I am really at peace internally, even though chaos surges on around me.  That’s how I know that I am actually as strong as people tell me I am when they compliment me.  There’s just an inner peace, and it can’t be shaken.

Life might not always feel good, but life is good, indeed.

I hope that y’all are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you may be!

Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

In awe.

This is my 100th post (!!!!!!!) since starting this blog, and I’m sitting on the porch, it’s a rainy cool morning, I just finished some breakfast.  I’m listening to music, thinking, and thanking God for all that He’s doing in my life. I am in total awe of how if you give faithfully with what you’ve got, He is able to do more than you could ever even dream.

I’m extremely creative, my mind goes to places undiscovered, I’m always thinking, always dreaming, always wondering. But I could have never imagined this.  I could have never imagined having a brain aneurysm, much less surviving a brain aneurysm rupture that nearly cost me my life. I could have never imagined the support that could and would be shown to me.

I could have never imagined life with a brain injury, yet that’s the life I’m living.  Every time I had ever heard about a brain injury, it was because of the war(s). I heard about wounded veterans and the difficulties they face trying to readjust to civilian life, or life where they aren’t in imminent danger and on guard.  I always felt a sense of compassion towards them, because I have faced struggles long before my  brain burst.  I didn’t know what it was like to be in “their” shoes, but I did know what it was like to hurt, and because of that, I felt deeply for them.  I didn’t think it could ever happen to me.  I didn’t even know what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured!  Talk about a wake up call.  Talk about feeling like you’re living in an alternate universe and dream.  I could have never imagined this would be me.  In fact, as arrogant as it may sound, if you had told me on the morning of February 4, 2012 that I would be very near death by 10 PM that night, I would have laughed in your face. “Me?  Yeah, right.  I’m 24 and invincible,” I would have replied.  Umm, apparently not.

God has always had some kind of other plan for my life.  I came into this universe unexpectedly, and I have dealt with (and survived) all kinds of unexpected situations throughout my life. I never really adjust to it, but I just deal with it.  I don’t know what’s supposed to happen in my life, but I am trusting The One who gave me life. I know that He has plans far greater than I could ever dream (Ephesians 3:20-21), and I know that He will right the wrongs.  I know that I am here for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and that none of this is in vain.  I don’t always understand it, I become extremely frustrated, wearied, battered, but I am pressing on. (Philippians 3:10-14)  I do know that I would have never chosen this route, this lifestyle, this path for my life, but I am trusting that He has gone before me and He is straightening my paths. (Proverbs 19:21) (Proverbs 3:5-6)

This all seems so wrong, seems so harsh, seems so… Desperate.  I get angry, I question God, I fight where I am, and I fight to get better.  I have learned that there is quite a thin line between bitter and better, and it starts with I.  They’re even only one letter difference in spelling.  Let that sink in.  I wonder why my life has never been normal, I wonder why I never got to live the life that all of the other seemingly carefree 20-somethings are living, not a worry in the world.  I realize that I have to fight against the negative thoughts that try to hold me captive. Negativity just drains you and holds you back from what you actually could accomplish.  My life didn’t take the same path as your average “20 something” because it isn’t supposed to.  I just have to quit questioning why, and come to a place of acceptance.  I don’t have to be happy about it, but I need to reach that plateau so I continue the climb up this mountain.  I think that the more I just quit fighting it, the more peace I find and the more I’m able to say “Thank You” and just accept it.  It’s a fight though, believe me.

So bitter, or better? Which do I choose?  I feel bitter as I let the pain and questioning hold my mind captive, then better when I realize I am given crazy awesome, unique opportunities to share my experience with the world.  I am given the opportunity to see another day.  Someone hears my story and asks about me, tells a friend they’re praying for me.  Strangers will approach my family, approach my friends, approach me and tell me how glad they are that I’m here, how strong I am, how much proof I am that God still works miracles.  That is such an incredible gift.  I am always reminded to keep pressing on, to keep the faith, keep the fight.  Opportunities and heartfelt acknowledgment of my struggles and realizing that through my struggles, I am able to point towards Him, makes all of this worth it.  I have said it before, and I still believe it today, I am merely a vessel.  My life is not my own.  I am here for a purpose, and it has nothing at all to do with me. I guess God just knows that I can handle it, and He sees me through it.  Sure enough, my tests are turning into testimonies, and I am grateful.

I am in awe at the ways in which He makes all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) God has truly been good to me.  Since day one, He has protected me.  I don’t understand the ways in which He works (Isaiah 55:8-9) or why, but that’s okay.  I am just grateful to have the opportunities that I do have.

I am grateful for the incredible care I’ve received from all of the doctors, nurses, therapists, and medical staff.  I am grateful for the people in my life who encourage me, strengthen me, remind me of who I am, walk beside me, walk behind me, walk with me.  I am grateful for the eye opening events that have forced me to face my mortality at a young age (24 then, 25 now),  so that I can live the rest of my life with a true understanding of just how quickly this could all escape me.  I am grateful to have a clear understanding of who and what truly matters in this life, and how I’m able to avoid those people and situations that I know aren’t worth the energy.  So many people expend so much energy on fleeting, insignificant, material pursuits in this life.  They don’t “get it” and I do.  I “get it” at a young enough age to where if I’m blessed to continue a long life, I will live wholeheartedly because I will always be appreciative of what’s before me.  That’s what life is about.  Life is about recognizing where you are, accepting where you are, and truly taking it all in with your whole heart.  Most people don’t live that way, and I do, because of this experience.  Thank You, Lord.

I don’t wish this pain, hurt, struggle, frustration, anger, uncertainty, isolation, confusion, or experience on anyone.  But if you can look at me, read my words, comprehend what I’m saying, please just be grateful with your life.  Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Don’t take a single second for granted.  Don’t get so caught up in tomorrow that you forget to live today.  Don’t stay so stuck on yesterday that you lose sight of right now.  Life is fleeting, life is beautiful even in its ugliness.  Life is a gift, and it should be cherished.  I’m just grateful to be here to cherish right now, even in the midst of the hurt.

I’m just really in awe.  Thank you all for everything, I really mean it.

Yes, I have a face. Haha this is the person behind all of these words :)

Be blessed, everyone! Keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

Why did You leave me here?

Sitting outside this morning, listening to the birds chirping, watching the leaves gently sway from side to side on the tree in my front yard, and feeling the blissful combination of cool and warmth permeating the air.  I stop, and I think, “How could you not love God?  How could you not give thanks to the Creator of this Earth, the Creator of the change of seasons, the Creator of the sun, the sky, the moon, and the stars?  How could you not love the Creator of you, the Creator of me?”

It really plagues my mind that people don’t take advantage of the free love he so graciously and generously offers to each and every human being.  In a culture so tantalized by “free” giveaways, we sure do pass on the greatest free offer of all.  Christ’s love.  What is wrong with us?  Why can’t people see what I see, and feel what I feel?  Who’s gone astray?  Me, or them?  I guess we both have, in a way.  Except I’ve chosen (and have to choose daily) to deviate from the “normal” way of life.  They choose to go along on the “normal” road of this world.  One that I no longer wish to travel, because I did, for most parts of 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days.  I say that because my life drastically changed on February 4, 2012.  I will never be the same again, and I am so grateful for it.

Haha oh, I wish I didn’t have “brain surgery brain” some days.  My thoughts just get trapped.  It isn’t like writers block, because I know what I want to say… But it’s like my mind can’t formulate it in a coherent way of writing.  Like right now, I had all kinds of thoughts to put into a post… But I don’t know how to say it!  Hahah.  I laugh, but it’s kind of not funny.  I feel like I confuse people because I’m all over the place and what I’m trying to say isn’t quite logical.  I apologize if I just go off on tangents and ramble, and leave you asking “So, what was the point of that?”  Bear with me… My post brain surgery brain functions just a bit differently.

Anyway, back to my original train of thought…

How people can actively choose not to take advantage of the greatest offering of love we could ever experience is beyond me.  Why?  Is it because you don’t want to have to sacrifice “your” life in pursuit of God?  In that case, let me tell you, it isn’t “your” life.  He gave it to you.  The very least you could be willing to do is give it back to Him.  Pray “Your will, not mine” (Matthew 6:10) and mean it.  It’s  a hard prayer to pray, and even more difficult to mean it.  You have no idea what He has planned for you, and sometimes it is downright scary.  But I assure you, that it is worth it.  His will is worth it.

I didn’t pray for His will to be done, or at least not to my knowledge, when I got sick.  Who knows?  I had been intubated, and for that they sedated me, not to mention the near hypothermic state they had induced to slow down brain damage from the aneurysm rupture, or the drugs they had used, or the Propofol they administered.  I don’t know what I said to God, but I do know that He was with me on the morning of surgery.  Remember this?  I can only imagine (because I have no memory) that I called on Him, and He came to be with me.  Maybe I did tell Him “I’m scared, God.  I don’t understand what is going on, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been living the way You’ve created me to live, but please just be with me. Whatever I’m going through… I trust you.  Please protect me and watch over me.  Please calm my fears.”  I don’t know that I did that, but I can only imagine that I did.  If I did, then that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my almost 25 years of life.  It is one that I will never regret.  Why?  Because, I realized the impact of His love.  It is incredible, and I encourage everyone to at least give it a try.  I doubt that you’ll regret it, when all is said and done.  There will, though, undoubtedly be moments where you wonder if you did the right thing.  Because it can hurt.  But you know what?  He still reigns.  He still cares about you just the same, and He has not abandoned you even though you may seriously wonder that some days.  Trust me, I get it.  He gets it.   I’ve been there, thought that, and yet He still loves me with an all consuming love.

So while I don’t believe God made me sick, I do believe that He allowed me to become sick.  See?  He never says how His will will be done.  Maybe His will will be accomplished through illness, maybe it’ll be accomplished through a job promotion, maybe it will be accomplished by getting married and/or having a child(ren).  You don’t know.  But we are told (Romans 8:28) that God works all things to the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.  Trust me, lying in a hospital bed in ICU, staring at the PICC line in my left arm, with an extreme neck ache, and continuously being told to stop touching my newly formed battle scar (haha my incision) I didn’t feel very loved by God at all.  How could you love the God who almost let you die?  I feel like that’s what people think when they see this transformation in my life.  I’ll tell you how… Because I’m alive.  I’m not dead, am I?  The key word there is almost.  He left me here, again.  I’ll expand on the “again” some other time, but He left me here.  He has work for me to do, and He left me here in excellent condition, all things considered.

He could have left me here having suffered severe deficits, wheelchair bound, unable to feed, bathe, or clothe myself.  If that had been in His will for me, He could have allowed that to happen.  But no… He left me here almost the same Robin I was before the surgery.  Just a few more quirks, now.  By quirks I mean moments of intense memory loss (haha I can’t be put on the spot now to answer a question about the day’s events because my recall is impaired and greatly slowed down), headaches that are no fun with weather changes, flashes of anger where I feel almost out of control (thank the good Lord that I pray everyday for Him to temper me and go before me during the days) because of frustration, and at times overwhelming exhaustion.  How are you tired from doing nothing?  Oh, the perks of a brain healing and still functioning enough to make my body parts function as they should.  Props to my brain for still putting up a good fight.

I love Him because He left me here in such great condition and He loved me enough to once again take me away from death’s door.  Twice, in almost 25 years, I have walked away (or when I was a baby, carried away) from what should have killed me.  You can’t tell me there isn’t a God.  Well, you can, but I will dismiss the foolishness.  I love Him and welcome Him into my life, because I can see it now that He has a mission for me and I can’t go to be with Him until it’s done, here.  I don’t know exactly the specifics of this mission, but maybe it’s just to share my story in hopes that someone else who needs to hear it will hear it, and contemplate seeking their own real-lationship with God.

I speak because I feel like I have to.  I feel a compulsive need to share my test that turned (and is still turning) into my testimony.  Not to be vain, self centered, and arrogant.  I bet people get tired of hearing it, but I just have to share it because I don’t know who needs to hear it, but there is someone.   I just feel like people are always on the edge of “maybe” diving into the waters of a living relationship with Christ.  If hearing my story, hearing my struggles, and perhaps being able to personally identify with my pain pushes them over the edge, then so be it.  I consider that  a victory.  Maybe He left me here to speak.  Maybe part of the way I shine my light is being unashamed in telling of my past, and how I wasn’t a bad person, but I certainly wasn’t living right as a true Christian would live.  I don’t know, I’m just guessing.  But I can’t escape the feelings that bubble in my chest when I tell a portion of my story and someone’s eyes have this feeling of connection in them.

I can’t escape that feeling that says “this is it” when I tell them a brief synopsis of my journey these past seven months and I see tears well up in their eyes.  I can’t escape that feeling that says “finally, someone understands me” when we bond over shared brain surgery/injury experiences and they feel like they could just come crashing into my arms for a hug from someone who truly understands.  I can’t escape that feeling that says “so He is real?” when I tell them I had an 80-90% chance of death, or severe, severe impairment from brain damage but God said no.  They look at me in awe, in shock, in comfort, in love when I tell them… And I can only hope that it isn’t just my physical body that they see, but that they can sense God through me.  Through my words, through my writing, through my tears, through my laughter.  I can only hope that they can experience the love I’ve found.

 

The same love I experience, both from and for Christ is available to you.  All you’ve got to do is open up your heart and allow Him space and time to do what He needs to do in your life.  I don’t want people to have to go through something so catastrophic before they wake up.  Really, I don’t.  Maybe that’s the way God will accomplish it through your life, I don’t know and I can’t even begin to guess at the way He thinks (I’m smart, but not that smart haha) but I do just want to encourage people that He is real, and He is waiting.  His love won’t cost you anything, but it will cost you everything if you’re serious in your pursuit of Him.  But it’s a price you’re willing to pay when you experience the beauty of it all.  I have no desire at all to live as I was before I became sick.  I don’t watch the same TV shows (I barely watch TV at all, actually), I don’t read the same magazines, I don’t listen to the same music (yuck, most of it is pure garbage), I don’t eat the same (this one can be tough but I want to take care of my body as the temple He designed it to be so I need to make the right choices), I don’t drink alcohol at all anymore (I was never a big drinker before, but I definitely liked my Jack and Coke’s and the occasional beer on a night out with friends), I don’t talk the same (thank the Lord, because I had some horrible language at times), I don’t behave the same (I still have to surrender my flesh everyday to stay on a positive path–it can be hard), and nothing is the same.  Because everything is better.  In looking back at all I’ve given up, I can say it’s worth it.  More than worth it to experience the love that I have for Him, but even more worth experiencing the love He has for me.  Don’t think that you’re too far beyond His reach.  You’re not.  He knows your heart, and He wants your heart.  Seek Him.  Do realize with eyes wide open that if you’re truly following after Christ, you’re going to have to give up the ways of this world… But in that same glimpse, realize that He is beyond worth anything you could ever acquire in this world.  There are some pretty great pleasures in this world, but they don’t even remotely compare to having a spirit that’s alive, thriving, and well.

 

Seek Him.  Be blessed, my readers.  If any of y’all need any prayer, drop me a comment or you can email me at xoxoro7@gmail.com too if you’d like. Thank you for reading, and I hope that maybe there’s something here for you.  :)

 

Slackin’

Hello to my readers! I apologize for lack of updates, but I will do a better job this week. Things have been just a little whirlwind-ish around me, these past few days leaving little energy left to write out a blog that actually makes sense haha.

But soon! I hope y’all are all doing well :)

I am new.

If there’s ever been a song to relate my life to, this song is it.  This is my song for this year!!  I love it, and the lyrics say how I feel perfectly. :)  What a perfectly fitting song to sing along to on my six month annie-versary. :)  “I am not who I was, I’m being remade, I am new.  I am chosen and holy, and I’m dearly loved, I am new, I am new.” Jason may be singing about someone who is struggling with letting go of a past sin or an idea of themselves that is against what God says about us… But the chorus just reminds me of me and my journey this year.  It’s pretty awesome :)

 

Brain Buddies!

Hey, y’all! Okay, I’ve coined the term “brain buddies” to describe a group of people I’ve befriended over the common ground of brain surgery and the recovery that follows.  No, our stories are not the same, but they share enough that I feel we are able to supportive of one another because we understand that the other “gets it.”  It’s very important to feel you’re not alone in this.  Seriously, very important.  As much as your friends/family/co workers/bosses/significant others try to understand, they simply don’t.  Not that they don’t want to, they just don’t.  Because it hasn’t happened to them (and I’m okay if nothing like this ever happens to anyone else as long as I live) so they just can’t empathize even though they sympathize.

Anyways, I’ve had the privilege of bonding with many people all over Texas, the U.S., and the world because of my ruptured brain aneurysm.  Before this, I had never heard of anyone having brain surgery, or a neurosurgeon except for one friend who had an AVM rupture when we were freshmen in high school.  Ten years ago.  Within the past 6 months, I’ve “met” quite a few people and I feel compelled to share with them my journey, in hopes I may be able to assist them in their own journey.  This is a rough road, and it helps a lot to know you’re not alone.  So I’m just going to write out some notes to those “brain buddies” of mine, because they’re on my mind, right now. :)

 

Maranda

Thank you. Seriously.  Thank you so much for talking me through this recovery, especially in the beginning.  I know that we haven’t talked in a while, but I also know that you’re here if I need you.  I thank you so much for just listening to me, and sharing your own struggles from your AVM experience.  It’s comforting to know I’m not alone, and even more comforting to hear the story of someone I personally know.  I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice.  Thank you for teaching me how to breathe (seriously) and suggesting that I talk with a therapist if I think it would help.  Therapy has been great for me, and I find myself breathing slowly thinking of what you taught me.  I’m also grateful for the hope you remind me of.  Ten years later, and you’ve managed to live just as normal of a life than anyone.  That gives me hope that I too will go onto live a pretty normal life, no matter how abnormal I feel.  I love you so much, and I’m blessed to call you a friend even if it has been an entirely long time since we’ve even seen each other.  I’m thankful you beat those 50/50 odds against you, girl.  I think God knew I would need you one day. :) You’re awesome, I’m proud of who you are, and proud to call you friend. <3

T

Hey, girl!  Wow… Our story is really so crazy.  Let me say that I cannot wait to officially meet you, first of all!  Second of all, I’m so thankful that you found this blog and that we’ve since communicated in other ways, too!  Who knew that we’d even think of one another, much less connect and actually become friends?  We were side by side (I was in 304 so she was either 303 or 305) in ICU, both with the same emergency, and had our surgeries on the same day, by the same neurosurgeon.  What?  Yes, people, this is real.  I’m still mad at you for pushing my surgery back!!  Hahah.  JK.  But I do find it humorous to know why it got pushed back!  Of course it wasn’t funny at all, but I’m glad that we are able to talk about it and laugh.  I’m thankful that you knew what was going on with you, and that you were able to get yourself the help you desperately needed.  I still chuckle that you told the 911 operator you were “having a subarachnoid hemorrhage.”  Not because it’s funny, but because your brain is bleeding yet you’re still coherent and able enough to tell her exactly what is going on with you.  Your nursing definitely probably saved your own life, and I’m thankful for that for you!! God is so good!  I thought of you often after I came home because I wanted to know what happened to “that girl my family talked about all the time.”  Now I know!  I’m glad that you’re recovering well, and I pray for your eyesight.  We are truly blessed, though that our deficits are probably the least they could’ve been.  I’m thankful that you were able to go to the therapies to help you start your recovery off right.  I think about you everyday, and I pray for you often.  My friend, we are only about 3 hours apart, so you know we will be seeing each other!!  You’ve got my number, so just let me know when you’re ready. :)  Keep on pushing forward, and know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I understand and I’m here for you!! “That you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.” Romans 1:12 :)

MK

Hey, sweetheart!  You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, either.  However, your friend Lindsey Long posted a tweet about you on Twitter, and I saw it through a retweet of a follower of mine.  For some reason, I felt the need to know more about you, and I told your friend that I had just had brain surgery in February, and that I’m in the recovery phase.  I told her that our God is able, and that I would be praying for you.  She and I tweeted back and forth to one another, and she eventually added me on Facebook to send me a request to the group your parents (I’m guessing) set up for you!  I have read your updates everyday.  I’ve found myself laughing, crying, and rejoicing over the progress you are making.  Our God is so good!!  I have been deep in prayer for you, that the same blessings I’ve experienced may be granted to you, too. I  just know our God is an able God and He will provide.  I understand that what you’re going through is difficult, unexpected, and painful.  I understand that you will spend some days crying, feeling hurt, and wishing it would just stop hurting so bad.  I want to let you know that things like that will get better as time passes on.  You will have to be patient with yourself, and those around you, but it will get better.  Your story has touched me so much, and I’m proud to know how great your faith is!  You’re obviously a good girl, and you’ve got so many people who love you and support you.  Lindsey told me last week that they were wearing yellow for you.  Yellow is my favorite color, too :)  You may have heard it before, but in case you haven’t… Whenever you’re feeling okay, listen to “The Desert Song” by Hillsong.  “All of my life, in every season, You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship” has been such an uplifting reminder for me.  Music is good for you.  Take it easy, girl, I’m watching your progress and praying for you!!! :) Cheering you on from Texas!

Matthew

Once again, I don’t know you, but I know of you.  Hannah is a mutual friend of ours, and on June 24, she wrote me a message on Facebook informing me of your condition and asked that I pray for you.  I was immediately humbled by your story and her requests.  I cried, like I often do these days haha.  But I was just feeling hurt that someone else so young would have to undergo something so traumatic, too. It’s awful and I wish it didn’t exist.  I wish we could just be carefree and live our lives like the rest of our peers.  But we can’t.  All we can do, since we can’t change the situation at hand is change our attitude towards the situation at hand.  Easier said than done, I know… But it is possible.  Philippians 4:13 reminds us that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us.  I honestly cannot imagine the pain that you’re experiencing.  All I know is the pain that I felt, and that was awful.  But please know that I think of you often and that I pray for you.  I pray for your restoration, and for your strength throughout this trying time in your life.  I may not understand the malignancy aspect of your condition, but I do understand the trauma of brain surgery and the recovery that follows it. For those reasons alone, I want you to know that I am here if you ever want or need someone to talk to.  You have good friends in Hannah and Brad, they genuinely care about you and want the best for you.  That’s pretty awesome for me to know, because I know how difficult the recovery is, and how you can’t have enough support.  Keep the faith, keep the fight, and keep pressing on!! Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and that I am here if you ever want or need to talk.  I’m blessed to know about your condition, so that I can pray with the same faith others used when they prayed for me.  Blessed to be a blessing!  Hang in there! :)

Quincy

Hey, you!  Yet another Twitter friend! :)  I think it’s really cool how we “met” each other through a testimony tweet! I’m glad to let you know that you’re not alone in your recovery, and I’m glad to know that there is hope and that recovery will continue.  I just want to say thank you for the suggestions you give to me, and the advice that you offer.  Once again, it’s good to know you’re not alone and I appreciate hearing from someone else who is ahead of me in the game because I know that they may have experienced things I will experience.  Your story is touching and I’m glad to know of it.  I know there are more of us out there, maybe they will see us and come forward, too!  That’d be awesome. :)  You too, are in my thoughts and prayers. :)  No doubt.  I’m glad that we can look at our recovery from a spiritual standpoint and trust in God to continue to heal us.  He is a huge part of my recovery, and I can tell that He is a part of yours, too!  That’s the way it should be.  Or it certainly makes it easier when we focus on Him to sustain us throughout this difficult brain injury/recovery.  I’m glad that you can relate to how my memory loss frustrates me and bothers me that I can’t remember, that you are always encouraging me to rest or sleep, and make sure that I eat (haha like so many people do–my appetite is still slack) to keep the headaches at bay.  I’m glad that one silly little tweet led us to one another and that we can encourage each other.  You’re pretty cool, and I’m proud of you. :)  Thank you for befriending me, and I pray for your continued recovery, even though you’re quite a ways out.  I don’t believe the doctor’s when they say things like “where he/she is in a year is where he/she will be for life.”  Know why I don’t believe it?  Because our God restores and gives us life abundantly. :)  That’s my prayer for you!  That you learn to compensate for the areas affected by your aneurysm rupture, and stay in good spirits throughout it all.  You’re an inspiration to me, and I thank you for it!

And now for a few very fitting Bible verses for my “brain buddies” that I feel relate to us, and have kept me sane when I feel so alone in this recovery, sometimes… They’ve comforted me, given me peace, and a sense of hope when it has seemed so dark and alone.  I hope that they speak to your heart, too!!

James 1:2-4

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

1 Peter 5:8-11

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator and ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

2 Timothy 1:7

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

My brain buddies, y’all have my love, support, encouragement, and prayer!  Keep the faith, keep the fight! I know it may seem dark, but take it from me (someone who was in a very dark place just 5 months ago) that it will get brighter and the light will quit flickering.  Just allow yourself to go through the process and emotions of recovery.  You are stronger than you think, and with God on your side, you will get through!  I’m always here if any of you ever want or need to talk. :)  Take care!

With love,

Robin

I really don’t know what to name this post! Haha.

What a lovely Sunday.  I’m just lounging around at Rachel’s house and I woke up from a nap feeling very compelled to write.  This morning we had a guest pastor from Romania who came and spoke to us.  His lesson was about not being held prisoner to your circumstances. It was all around Paul’s letters to the people of Philippi and it was so good!  He spoke about how Paul used his circumstances during his imprisonment to bring others to Christ and how his suffering turned out for the better.  It’s almost uncanny (but God’s timing is perfect) that this was the message I heard on the 24 week (officially six months!) anniversary of my brain aneurysm rupture.

When you’re in the midst of suffering, your first inclination is not to ask “God, how can I use this to better serve You and glorify Your kingdom?”  No.  Your first inclination is to ask “God, why? Why me?  I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and if You loved me, You wouldn’t let this happen to me. Why?  Why?”  The latter question was very much the question I asked when I first became aware of what had happened to me.  I just was so heartbroken, and angry in a way.  Not necessarily mad at God, but mad that something so horrific happened to me, a good person who didn’t deserve it.  Well, a lot of things happen to a lot of people in this world that they do not deserve.  I don’t know why, but as I progress through this recovery, I’m learning that it’s not my place to ask why or even need to understand.  All that I need to understand is that God does love me, I need to trust Him, it wasn’t my time yet, and He does have work here for me to do.  I cannot do His work if I’m so consumed with the why of what happened to me.  I get peace from it more as the days pass on.  It will never not hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did in the beginning.  I’d say the first 4-5 months of this recovery.  The 5th-6th month has been much more smooth than the beginning, and I am entirely grateful for that.

Now that I’ve let go of most of the anxiety, depression, and fear, (and there are still some rough days in there), I find myself seeking God’s will for my life.  I want to know how to use the one thing that shattered my world, to rebuild it and beautify it for Him.  That’s all I want in my life, now.  Before I became sick, I was never an awful person, but make no mistakes, I was not perfect.   I’ve always had very sound morals and principles, but those don’t get you to Heaven.  I had accepted Christ into my life at a young age, but I wasn’t truly living for Him.  That all changed sometime in ICU.  It really hit home again on March 23, 2012.  Ever since then, I’ve just been seeking God.  It’s wonderful to feel that He is revealing things to you that you may have never understood otherwise.  He’s an awesome God!  On March 23, 2012, I quit asking God why, and started asking him to restore me to that “better Robin” my mom and many others spoke over me.  I cried out to Him in pure sincerity and told him I couldn’t do it, and to please just take control of my life, for good.  I didn’t want to try and make it better, I wanted Him to restore me.  And I can honestly say that He has been.  It feels awesome, too!

I’ve recently said that February 4, 2012 was the worst best day of my life.  Haha.  In many ways, that is true.  When you think of having the best day ever, I’m sure that emergencies and trauma are never part of the equation.  But you see, God can take our trials, tests, broken pieces,shattered spirits,  and restore them.  He can.  It takes time, and it is difficult, but He can do it.  All you have to do is first, admit to Him that you cannot do it on your own, and then release it all to Him.  Let Him work it out for you.  This has been a huge test in patience, faith, trust, and rest for me.  I hope I pass with flying colors!  Those who know me well know that I’m always planning, always trying to manage a situation, always being responsible, and with all of that usually comes a constant need to be moving.  It’s been difficult for me to just rest.  I’ve just recently cut back my hours at work (yes, I still have two jobs) because I’m finding that I’m not as well as I think I am.  I’m doing wonderful, don’t get me wrong.  But the injured brain cannot handle the things that a non injured brain can.  I cannot afford (physically/mentally/emotionally) to work the insane amount of hours I worked last year.  I just can’t.  I find myself becoming very agitated, frustrated, forgetful, and annoyed at those feelings, these days.  But it isn’t like I want to be that way.  It’s a by product of the aneurysm rupture and brain surgery.  Now that I’ m accepting the fact that I am not the same as I was before, my next test is to rest.

Yeah, right.  Me? Rest? Ha!  I’m 24, I’m supposed to be able to run around all day, stay up all night, and still have energy left over.  I. cannot. do. it.  When I do try to push myself to pre-rupture me, I pay for it.  Usually (in my case) in fatigue, memory loss, inability to concentrate, and a very irritable mood.  That’s not okay.  That’s not how I need to care for myself, and maybe this happened for me to rest so that God could continue to speak to me, if only I’d slow down long enough to hear  Him.  I’m working on it, though.  Taking the necessary steps to ensure that I have as strong of a recovery (doctor’s say at least a year to see where a patient will be) as I can.  It’s okay.  I don’t need to feel guilty for taking  care of myself.  I should feel guilty for allowing myself to get to a point where I’m breaking down because I’ve overwhelmed myself again.  So, that’s where I’m at.  The slow down, again.  From February 17-April 1, I was at home.  I went out and about a few of those days, but the fatigue was so unreal that I couldn’t even stand to be in a crowd, I would cry, and I would sleep a lot.  Then somewhere, slowly, I started to regain energy.  So I just worked up little bits, and found myself feeling “normal,” again.

April 2, I went back to work for 4 hours a day at job #1, just two days a week.  I went back to job #2 on April 4 for four hours a day, two days a week.  I’ve tried a couple of times to increase my hours to make more money (to keep the “small” medical bills from stressing me out too much) but I’m finding that I just need more downtime.  That’s okay, too.  I have to take care of myself, period.  Doesn’t matter what anyone says or thinks.  This is about my health.  So here comes the slow down again.  But this time, I’ll actually take those naps my neurosurgeon and his nurse constantly told me to take.  Haha.  I took a nap everyday for a month, then I was like “Well this is boring, let’s go do something!”  I quit taking naps, and now somedays where I’ll have a 13-14 hour day (like I used to, many days) I’ll find myself longing to just take a nap.  Soon enough!

Overall, I’m proud of myself.  I’ve had moments where I was afraid of myself.  I felt myself slipping, and it scared me because I was wondering what had happened to me?  What happened to that strong spirit?  What happened to that smile?  What happened to that laughter?  It scared me, I didn’t know who I was at times.  But I felt like who I was died.  And she did, but not all of her.  Just the parts that needed to die in order for the better parts of me to have a better life.  God is working on me constantly, and I’m trusting that He knows what He’s doing (because He keeps revealing Himself in various ways and I know it’s nothing other than a God thing) and I’m working on more patience and rest.  I’ll get there.  Therapy has been wonderful in helping me cope with the anxieties, obsession with health matters, fears, and pain.  My family and friends have been so supportive and as understanding as they can be.  However, you’ll never understand a  person with an injured brain unless you’ve had a brain injury yourself.  Doesn’t mean that you don’t want to understand, and that you don’t strive to understand… You just simply won’t, because you haven’t lived it.  I’m in no ways discounting their love, support, and encouragement, either.  I’m thankful to God for the family I have and the friends who have been so uplifting to me.  Thank you all, for everything!

I’m ready to make these next six months much stronger than the first six months of my recovery!  Let’s go! :)  Philippians 4:13.

As the pastor was preaching, I had a little flashback to some texts saved in my phone from February 13, 2012.  They take place between a friend, Michael, and me.  I will type them out so that y’all can see how funny God’s ways are, and how we might not even see two things come together until months (or even years) after the fact! :)

Michael: I love you and want you to know your strength in life and in the Lord is shining in many people’s lives right now through the pain you’re going through.  You’re making us all stronger and sucks you have to suffer for it, but we won’t ask why.

Robin: True. I’ve never understood a lot of things in my life, but questioning them doesn’t seem right, either. And if anyone can benefit from me…. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Count it all joy :)

See my spirit?  Those words are the reason I say that the depression, anxiety, fear, and anger are not me.  That was 7 days after an emergency brain surgery to save my life.  If I could have that mindset in pain, in an ICU, I can have that same mindset at home, in recovery, no matter how difficult it may get at times!  I’m glad I saved those texts so I can go back and read them again on one of those days I’m having a pity party for myself.  Yes, what happened to me is awful, but I’m not going to wallow in self pity and desperation.  Where will I get with that? Besides, that’s what satan wants.  He wants me to be in a place of hopelessness, angst, and to stay there.  Well, I say no! I say God did not leave me here to let me wilt.  He wants me to flourish, and I want to flourish to be a better person for Him.  I want others to see Him through me, and if like Michael said, that the Lord was shining through me and the circumstances, then I am blessed!
 
One of my “brain buddies” just text me about her message in church this morning, Philippians 4:1 “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”  Hahaha.  I am laughing, because that is such a God thing!!! Only He would have very similar messages preached to two women who were side by side in ICU, with ruptured brain aneurysms and subsequent emergency brain surgeries, by the same neurosurgeon! We have never met each other, and don’t even live in the same city. Yet we each have this little reminder of hope. :) He is so awesome! :) I love it!

Hope all of my readers are doing well :)