This is my 100th post (!!!!!!!) since starting this blog, and I’m sitting on the porch, it’s a rainy cool morning, I just finished some breakfast. I’m listening to music, thinking, and thanking God for all that He’s doing in my life. I am in total awe of how if you give faithfully with what you’ve got, He is able to do more than you could ever even dream.
I’m extremely creative, my mind goes to places undiscovered, I’m always thinking, always dreaming, always wondering. But I could have never imagined this. I could have never imagined having a brain aneurysm, much less surviving a brain aneurysm rupture that nearly cost me my life. I could have never imagined the support that could and would be shown to me.
I could have never imagined life with a brain injury, yet that’s the life I’m living. Every time I had ever heard about a brain injury, it was because of the war(s). I heard about wounded veterans and the difficulties they face trying to readjust to civilian life, or life where they aren’t in imminent danger and on guard. I always felt a sense of compassion towards them, because I have faced struggles long before my brain burst. I didn’t know what it was like to be in “their” shoes, but I did know what it was like to hurt, and because of that, I felt deeply for them. I didn’t think it could ever happen to me. I didn’t even know what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured! Talk about a wake up call. Talk about feeling like you’re living in an alternate universe and dream. I could have never imagined this would be me. In fact, as arrogant as it may sound, if you had told me on the morning of February 4, 2012 that I would be very near death by 10 PM that night, I would have laughed in your face. “Me? Yeah, right. I’m 24 and invincible,” I would have replied. Umm, apparently not.
God has always had some kind of other plan for my life. I came into this universe unexpectedly, and I have dealt with (and survived) all kinds of unexpected situations throughout my life. I never really adjust to it, but I just deal with it. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen in my life, but I am trusting The One who gave me life. I know that He has plans far greater than I could ever dream (Ephesians 3:20-21), and I know that He will right the wrongs. I know that I am here for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and that none of this is in vain. I don’t always understand it, I become extremely frustrated, wearied, battered, but I am pressing on. (Philippians 3:10-14) I do know that I would have never chosen this route, this lifestyle, this path for my life, but I am trusting that He has gone before me and He is straightening my paths. (Proverbs 19:21) (Proverbs 3:5-6)
This all seems so wrong, seems so harsh, seems so… Desperate. I get angry, I question God, I fight where I am, and I fight to get better. I have learned that there is quite a thin line between bitter and better, and it starts with I. They’re even only one letter difference in spelling. Let that sink in. I wonder why my life has never been normal, I wonder why I never got to live the life that all of the other seemingly carefree 20-somethings are living, not a worry in the world. I realize that I have to fight against the negative thoughts that try to hold me captive. Negativity just drains you and holds you back from what you actually could accomplish. My life didn’t take the same path as your average “20 something” because it isn’t supposed to. I just have to quit questioning why, and come to a place of acceptance. I don’t have to be happy about it, but I need to reach that plateau so I continue the climb up this mountain. I think that the more I just quit fighting it, the more peace I find and the more I’m able to say “Thank You” and just accept it. It’s a fight though, believe me.
So bitter, or better? Which do I choose? I feel bitter as I let the pain and questioning hold my mind captive, then better when I realize I am given crazy awesome, unique opportunities to share my experience with the world. I am given the opportunity to see another day. Someone hears my story and asks about me, tells a friend they’re praying for me. Strangers will approach my family, approach my friends, approach me and tell me how glad they are that I’m here, how strong I am, how much proof I am that God still works miracles. That is such an incredible gift. I am always reminded to keep pressing on, to keep the faith, keep the fight. Opportunities and heartfelt acknowledgment of my struggles and realizing that through my struggles, I am able to point towards Him, makes all of this worth it. I have said it before, and I still believe it today, I am merely a vessel. My life is not my own. I am here for a purpose, and it has nothing at all to do with me. I guess God just knows that I can handle it, and He sees me through it. Sure enough, my tests are turning into testimonies, and I am grateful.
I am in awe at the ways in which He makes all things work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) God has truly been good to me. Since day one, He has protected me. I don’t understand the ways in which He works (Isaiah 55:8-9) or why, but that’s okay. I am just grateful to have the opportunities that I do have.
I am grateful for the incredible care I’ve received from all of the doctors, nurses, therapists, and medical staff. I am grateful for the people in my life who encourage me, strengthen me, remind me of who I am, walk beside me, walk behind me, walk with me. I am grateful for the eye opening events that have forced me to face my mortality at a young age (24 then, 25 now), so that I can live the rest of my life with a true understanding of just how quickly this could all escape me. I am grateful to have a clear understanding of who and what truly matters in this life, and how I’m able to avoid those people and situations that I know aren’t worth the energy. So many people expend so much energy on fleeting, insignificant, material pursuits in this life. They don’t “get it” and I do. I “get it” at a young enough age to where if I’m blessed to continue a long life, I will live wholeheartedly because I will always be appreciative of what’s before me. That’s what life is about. Life is about recognizing where you are, accepting where you are, and truly taking it all in with your whole heart. Most people don’t live that way, and I do, because of this experience. Thank You, Lord.
I don’t wish this pain, hurt, struggle, frustration, anger, uncertainty, isolation, confusion, or experience on anyone. But if you can look at me, read my words, comprehend what I’m saying, please just be grateful with your life. Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Don’t take a single second for granted. Don’t get so caught up in tomorrow that you forget to live today. Don’t stay so stuck on yesterday that you lose sight of right now. Life is fleeting, life is beautiful even in its ugliness. Life is a gift, and it should be cherished. I’m just grateful to be here to cherish right now, even in the midst of the hurt.
I’m just really in awe. Thank you all for everything, I really mean it.
Be blessed, everyone! Keep the faith, keep the fight!!!
Faith, by fire. 