Sitting outside this morning, listening to the birds chirping, watching the leaves gently sway from side to side on the tree in my front yard, and feeling the blissful combination of cool and warmth permeating the air. I stop, and I think, “How could you not love God? How could you not give thanks to the Creator of this Earth, the Creator of the change of seasons, the Creator of the sun, the sky, the moon, and the stars? How could you not love the Creator of you, the Creator of me?”
It really plagues my mind that people don’t take advantage of the free love he so graciously and generously offers to each and every human being. In a culture so tantalized by “free” giveaways, we sure do pass on the greatest free offer of all. Christ’s love. What is wrong with us? Why can’t people see what I see, and feel what I feel? Who’s gone astray? Me, or them? I guess we both have, in a way. Except I’ve chosen (and have to choose daily) to deviate from the “normal” way of life. They choose to go along on the “normal” road of this world. One that I no longer wish to travel, because I did, for most parts of 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days. I say that because my life drastically changed on February 4, 2012. I will never be the same again, and I am so grateful for it.
Haha oh, I wish I didn’t have “brain surgery brain” some days. My thoughts just get trapped. It isn’t like writers block, because I know what I want to say… But it’s like my mind can’t formulate it in a coherent way of writing. Like right now, I had all kinds of thoughts to put into a post… But I don’t know how to say it! Hahah. I laugh, but it’s kind of not funny. I feel like I confuse people because I’m all over the place and what I’m trying to say isn’t quite logical. I apologize if I just go off on tangents and ramble, and leave you asking “So, what was the point of that?” Bear with me… My post brain surgery brain functions just a bit differently.
Anyway, back to my original train of thought…
How people can actively choose not to take advantage of the greatest offering of love we could ever experience is beyond me. Why? Is it because you don’t want to have to sacrifice “your” life in pursuit of God? In that case, let me tell you, it isn’t “your” life. He gave it to you. The very least you could be willing to do is give it back to Him. Pray “Your will, not mine” (Matthew 6:10) and mean it. It’s a hard prayer to pray, and even more difficult to mean it. You have no idea what He has planned for you, and sometimes it is downright scary. But I assure you, that it is worth it. His will is worth it.
I didn’t pray for His will to be done, or at least not to my knowledge, when I got sick. Who knows? I had been intubated, and for that they sedated me, not to mention the near hypothermic state they had induced to slow down brain damage from the aneurysm rupture, or the drugs they had used, or the Propofol they administered. I don’t know what I said to God, but I do know that He was with me on the morning of surgery. Remember this? I can only imagine (because I have no memory) that I called on Him, and He came to be with me. Maybe I did tell Him “I’m scared, God. I don’t understand what is going on, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been living the way You’ve created me to live, but please just be with me. Whatever I’m going through… I trust you. Please protect me and watch over me. Please calm my fears.” I don’t know that I did that, but I can only imagine that I did. If I did, then that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my almost 25 years of life. It is one that I will never regret. Why? Because, I realized the impact of His love. It is incredible, and I encourage everyone to at least give it a try. I doubt that you’ll regret it, when all is said and done. There will, though, undoubtedly be moments where you wonder if you did the right thing. Because it can hurt. But you know what? He still reigns. He still cares about you just the same, and He has not abandoned you even though you may seriously wonder that some days. Trust me, I get it. He gets it. I’ve been there, thought that, and yet He still loves me with an all consuming love.
So while I don’t believe God made me sick, I do believe that He allowed me to become sick. See? He never says how His will will be done. Maybe His will will be accomplished through illness, maybe it’ll be accomplished through a job promotion, maybe it will be accomplished by getting married and/or having a child(ren). You don’t know. But we are told (Romans 8:28) that God works all things to the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. Trust me, lying in a hospital bed in ICU, staring at the PICC line in my left arm, with an extreme neck ache, and continuously being told to stop touching my newly formed battle scar (haha my incision) I didn’t feel very loved by God at all. How could you love the God who almost let you die? I feel like that’s what people think when they see this transformation in my life. I’ll tell you how… Because I’m alive. I’m not dead, am I? The key word there is almost. He left me here, again. I’ll expand on the “again” some other time, but He left me here. He has work for me to do, and He left me here in excellent condition, all things considered.
He could have left me here having suffered severe deficits, wheelchair bound, unable to feed, bathe, or clothe myself. If that had been in His will for me, He could have allowed that to happen. But no… He left me here almost the same Robin I was before the surgery. Just a few more quirks, now. By quirks I mean moments of intense memory loss (haha I can’t be put on the spot now to answer a question about the day’s events because my recall is impaired and greatly slowed down), headaches that are no fun with weather changes, flashes of anger where I feel almost out of control (thank the good Lord that I pray everyday for Him to temper me and go before me during the days) because of frustration, and at times overwhelming exhaustion. How are you tired from doing nothing? Oh, the perks of a brain healing and still functioning enough to make my body parts function as they should. Props to my brain for still putting up a good fight.
I love Him because He left me here in such great condition and He loved me enough to once again take me away from death’s door. Twice, in almost 25 years, I have walked away (or when I was a baby, carried away) from what should have killed me. You can’t tell me there isn’t a God. Well, you can, but I will dismiss the foolishness. I love Him and welcome Him into my life, because I can see it now that He has a mission for me and I can’t go to be with Him until it’s done, here. I don’t know exactly the specifics of this mission, but maybe it’s just to share my story in hopes that someone else who needs to hear it will hear it, and contemplate seeking their own real-lationship with God.
I speak because I feel like I have to. I feel a compulsive need to share my test that turned (and is still turning) into my testimony. Not to be vain, self centered, and arrogant. I bet people get tired of hearing it, but I just have to share it because I don’t know who needs to hear it, but there is someone. I just feel like people are always on the edge of “maybe” diving into the waters of a living relationship with Christ. If hearing my story, hearing my struggles, and perhaps being able to personally identify with my pain pushes them over the edge, then so be it. I consider that a victory. Maybe He left me here to speak. Maybe part of the way I shine my light is being unashamed in telling of my past, and how I wasn’t a bad person, but I certainly wasn’t living right as a true Christian would live. I don’t know, I’m just guessing. But I can’t escape the feelings that bubble in my chest when I tell a portion of my story and someone’s eyes have this feeling of connection in them.
I can’t escape that feeling that says “this is it” when I tell them a brief synopsis of my journey these past seven months and I see tears well up in their eyes. I can’t escape that feeling that says “finally, someone understands me” when we bond over shared brain surgery/injury experiences and they feel like they could just come crashing into my arms for a hug from someone who truly understands. I can’t escape that feeling that says “so He is real?” when I tell them I had an 80-90% chance of death, or severe, severe impairment from brain damage but God said no. They look at me in awe, in shock, in comfort, in love when I tell them… And I can only hope that it isn’t just my physical body that they see, but that they can sense God through me. Through my words, through my writing, through my tears, through my laughter. I can only hope that they can experience the love I’ve found.
The same love I experience, both from and for Christ is available to you. All you’ve got to do is open up your heart and allow Him space and time to do what He needs to do in your life. I don’t want people to have to go through something so catastrophic before they wake up. Really, I don’t. Maybe that’s the way God will accomplish it through your life, I don’t know and I can’t even begin to guess at the way He thinks (I’m smart, but not that smart haha) but I do just want to encourage people that He is real, and He is waiting. His love won’t cost you anything, but it will cost you everything if you’re serious in your pursuit of Him. But it’s a price you’re willing to pay when you experience the beauty of it all. I have no desire at all to live as I was before I became sick. I don’t watch the same TV shows (I barely watch TV at all, actually), I don’t read the same magazines, I don’t listen to the same music (yuck, most of it is pure garbage), I don’t eat the same (this one can be tough but I want to take care of my body as the temple He designed it to be so I need to make the right choices), I don’t drink alcohol at all anymore (I was never a big drinker before, but I definitely liked my Jack and Coke’s and the occasional beer on a night out with friends), I don’t talk the same (thank the Lord, because I had some horrible language at times), I don’t behave the same (I still have to surrender my flesh everyday to stay on a positive path–it can be hard), and nothing is the same. Because everything is better. In looking back at all I’ve given up, I can say it’s worth it. More than worth it to experience the love that I have for Him, but even more worth experiencing the love He has for me. Don’t think that you’re too far beyond His reach. You’re not. He knows your heart, and He wants your heart. Seek Him. Do realize with eyes wide open that if you’re truly following after Christ, you’re going to have to give up the ways of this world… But in that same glimpse, realize that He is beyond worth anything you could ever acquire in this world. There are some pretty great pleasures in this world, but they don’t even remotely compare to having a spirit that’s alive, thriving, and well.
Seek Him. Be blessed, my readers. If any of y’all need any prayer, drop me a comment or you can email me at xoxoro7@gmail.com too if you’d like. Thank you for reading, and I hope that maybe there’s something here for you. :)
Faith, by fire. 