This isn’t what I ordered

but it’s what has been given to me.

Just a solid reminder of how I have to do life now, and it encourages me to keep going forward!

As I approach my two year blog-iversary and near 2 1/2 years post stroke/ruptured brain aneurysm survivor, I find myself looking back on this journey.  How have I handled what’s been given to me?  I would have never imagined that this could have happened to me, or that I’d be someone with a brain injury.  It’s just not something you plan on when you think about your life path or future.  Yet, it’s what I deal with everyday.  I try to choose how I’ll tackle the day, and I try to choose to do it with a heart of gratitude that I’m even here and doing as well as I am, all things considered.  It’s not an easy choice, but it makes the days go by easier when I have a positive outlook. A new epiphany has arisen from this experience… If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.

 

I have been dealing with way too many migraines the past few weeks.  In fact, I had a neurologist appointment last Friday to discuss where to go from here, and have began a new medication to try and reduce the number and severity of migraines.  I am hoping this is a good start so that I can be focused in time for school to begin this August.  As for my first semester back since 2008, I finished up on May 7 and I had somewhat of a mental collapse.  Nothing happened to me physically, I just felt like I finished a mental marathon (which, really, I had) and passed out at the finish line!  Pursuing higher education with a brain injury is truly equivalent to running a race with an injured leg.  There’s no other way to cross that finish line, but to push through and give it all you’ve got.  I made it through the semester, but I really don’t think it should have been that hard.  I had a lot of migraines and coupled with my perfectionist attitude and determination to get through, it was probably too much at once.

 

I took 13 hours and  I have decided to cut back a bit just because the cycle of “have to make perfect grades” causing me a migraine, which made me tired, which made my memory suffer even more from lack of sleep is just not something I wish to repeat semester after semester.  Yes, this will set me back a year in my program, but that’s okay.  If I want to reach the ultimate goal (obtaining my BSRT) then I have to pace myself.  That’s how I’m handling it.  It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need to do.

 

It’s just honestly so easy to get caught on the “complain train” as I call it.  That part of the journey where something else happens and you just get so down, you just want to complain and cry.  I have experienced (still, 2+ years later) many “down days” where I just get mad at God for leaving me here.  Why would He just leave me here if I’m only going to feel so bad some days?  Doesn’t He care?  What is the point?  I can’t be happy, I won’t be my usually smiling self, I’ll be even more introverted than I already am because I just don’t feel like being around anyone when my skull feels like it’s closing as my brain is trying to expand, at the same time.  Yes, that’s how my migraines feel.  I can’t even think straight, I get lightheaded, and I sometimes end up crying.  Those who know me best know that I do not cry.  I am not the crying type.  If I’m crying, something is either very right or very wrong.  Many times this year, I have had those crying days where I’m so tired, frustrated, head is raging in pain and I just ask Him to please be with me.  He has continued to show Himself to me throughout this journey and it’s really remarkable.

 This isn’t even about me, it’s about Him and how He is able to work.  I am merely a vessel.  Don’t know why He chose me, or chose this path for me, but I trust Him.  He hasn’t failed me yet.

 

When I look back through pictures, journals, and well wishes from those weeks in the hospital, I’m just reminded of how faithful He has been.  Through everything, and I feel guilty for complaining.  He never said we wouldn’t have struggles, He said He would never leave us.  I just ask for the strength and grace to suffer well.  He knows it’s not easy, He sees my heart and already knows every turn my life will take before I can even comprehend what’s currently happening.  I just have to trust Him in the process.

 

Absolutely love this song! It’s Desert Song by Hillsong

 

 

I have had a moment of clarity tonight and just wanted to write a little something since it’s been so long since I’ve written a “real” blog.  I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying my best to stay on the up side, and keep healthy.  I hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!

 

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

 

I’m not sure what to title this, so this will have to do!

“Plus, when you have God, you’re always happy.”

That was the reply one of my followers/someone I follow gave me on Twitter when I wrote him a direct message asking him if He was always happy.  Haha for real, this guy posts some of the most uplifting, bright, happy go lucky tweets of anyone that I follow.  I actually really appreciate people who also have bright spirits in this world.  It’s too easy to “go to the dark side.”  Anyway, naturally, his reply sparked a thought in my mind, and I told him I’d have to write a blog about it.

There’s a difference between joy and happiness.  In my opinion, happy is a state of mind.  It is temporary, and it is fleeting because it is dependent on circumstances.  To have happiness, every condition needs to be just right.  One inch too far to the left or the right, and your mood comes crashing down.  Joy is a state of heart. True joy is found in Christ, and it is permanent, regardless of the circumstances.  The circumstances may never be right, but you will have joy because your hope, peace, comfort, safety, and identity are found in Him.

He is the only One who is able to offer us what we truly need in this life.  As I’ve began a real-lationship with Him after nearly dying (again) earlier this year, I realized that in the end, He is all that matters.  Nothing I can acquire on this Earth can even begin to measure up to who He is, how He loves, what He has to offer.  I highly encourage people to seek Him when they feel like their life is missing something, or someone.  He is so often the missing ingredient when we’re trying to get our lives to taste “just right,” yet few actually seek Him out.

I’ve honestly always been the optimistic type, but this has been a year that could easily change that.  It’s literally been one thing after another since the middle of January.  I had a ruptured brain aneurysm on the night of February 4, 2012. As I’ve said before, I had no idea what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured.  Having emergency brain surgery, surviving a life threatening condition, trying to figure out “the new normal,” standing by friends as their loved ones have passed away (whether expected or unexpected, it still hurts), having to make some tough calls to make sure that I’m putting my health first, turning 25, realizing and accepting that my life is absolutely nothing like I’ve ever planned it to be, realizing and accepting that my life will be different but still a version of normal now, learning to live with a newfound, unexpected, mild acquired brain injury… Yeah, those are all events that have had the capacity to destroy my outlook.  “Why, how can you still manage to be happy?” is a question I hear very often from people who hear my story, and I have to say that I’m not always happy, but I am always filled with joy.  Why?  How?  Because!  I put God first in my life, now.  He’s no longer on the back burner, per se.  Just there if I need Him.  No, no, no.  He is here because I need Him, not if!

He created us to need Him!  He created us to turn to Him in all circumstances in life, even the things that we think He wouldn’t care the least about.  Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) reads “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  That verse has been instrumental in my recovery, because sometimes I feel ungrateful complaining about the (minor) deficits I do have, and the headaches I experience.  I think “you’re alive, Robin, stop complaining! It could be so much worse and here you are whining about a migraine.  Oh boo hoo, besides, God’s got better things to deal with than your silly little headache.  Tough it out!”  But clearly, I am able to take my migraines (fatigue, difficulties concentrating, and memory lapses haha) to Him, even if I could’ve suffered something much, much worse.

People have also asked me “So, you mean to tell me, you still love ‘a’ God who would make you so sick you almost died? What is wrong with you?”  Haha.  I have to somewhat laugh at this.  First of all, He did not make me sick, He allowed me to become sick.  God knows how to reach each of us, because He created all of us.  God knows that my mind is both my best friend and my worst enemy.  God knows that He had to cause something drastic in my body to get to my (soul) heart.  I’m not saying that everyone whose ever had a serious illness is the work of God trying to get to them, either.  I’m just saying that He customizes the ways He reaches us, depending on what He knows will get to us.  I’m just saying that in my particular case, I do believe that God allowed this to happen to reach me.  I’m just saying that yes, I do still love Him, praise Him, and seek Him because He proved the power of His love, even when He didn’t have to.  He showed me immense grace and mercy, because He’s giving me another chance, and this time I want nothing more than to live for Him, share Who He is with others, and have the chance to hear “well done, good and faithful servant!” when it is my final call Home. 

He proved the power of His love when, on the morning of surgery, I was able to write that I wasn’t scared because God is with me.  He proved the power of His love when the doctors, nurses, therapists and staff were able to treat me well.  He proved the power of His love when my family, my friends, and even strangers were pouring out precious time and energy to help get me back to “me.”  He proved His love when people would encourage me, remind me of who I am, love on me.  God works through many (and sometimes I find quite strange) ways.  Do I understand them?   No.  I can’t even begin to fathom how He works.  Isaiah 55:8-9, right there!  But I do know that I am entirely grateful, no matter what has had to be done for Him to accomplish His works.  Philippians 1:6 and Romans 8:28!  Those verses in bold just describe this year, this experience, this new life I’m living.  Romans 12:2 :)

So, all in all, even during my not so awesome days, I am joyful at heart because I know there’s a deeper reason for this.  I know it isn’t about me becoming sick, it isn’t about me nearly dying, it isn’t about me at all.  I’m merely a vessel He’s decided to use to display who He is, and I’m willing and able to speak about it.  I’m willing and able to share my test turned testimony.  I am unashamed, and I am completely thankful that He has given me the opportunity to be able to share His Truth.  It’s really awesome.  I was never a “bad” person (haha quite the opposite–considered ‘miss goody two shoes’ by most) before I became sick, but my heart wasn’t right.  God searches our hearts. See: Jeremiah 17:10.  We can do the most philanthropic, loving, kind, caring acts on this planet, but if our heart isn’t right, then we are not right.  I did good, but was my heart always good?  Were my motives always in the right place?  I can honestly say no, not always.

I got a good wake-up call, a solid reality check.  My ears, eyes, and heart are wide open.  I’m attentive, I’m listening, and I’m doing my best to live right, from the heart, every day that I am blessed to see.  That’s what joy is.  I’m not always happy, but my heart is always filled with joy. :)  He is giving me another chance, to make it right, when He surely did not have to.  The odds were totally against me, but He said “no” to a physical death, in exchange for a spiritual death and rebirth.  What’s not to find joyful about that?  Not everyone is so blessed, and plenty of people die everyday, having not had the chance to make it right.  As I say, as I’ve learned this year, “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!”  If you’re breathing, then you’re able to make it right in your heart with Him.  Confess your sins (He already knows, anyway), repent, and allow Him to work within you to change your life.  Well, the life He’s letting you borrow everyday.  We all belong to Him at the end of the day. :)  He’s a great caregiver.  Loving, kind, generous, and able.  Seek Him out, return to Him the (soul) heart He’s blessed you with, and live your life full of joy, regardless of whether or not you feel happy.  He’s able to provide.  I promise!  Besides, I can honestly say that my worst day with Him is better than my best days were without Him!  I sincerely mean that, too.  Try Him out, you’ll see it for yourself. :)

If you’ve read this, thank you.  I hope that you have a blessed day, and that something here “spoke” to you if it’s something you needed to hear.  If it has, you’re welcome.  Give God praise for the events He lines up that spark thoughts like this in my mind, where I feel I have to share it with someone.   Life’s just funny like that.  Go out, smile, and breathe.  If something is holding you back, remember that you can turn to Him with anything and He will hear you.  Allow Him to guide you where you need to go, and allow Him to move within your life.  Also, remember that happiness is dependent on circumstances, true joy is not.  True joy is only found in Christ.

Philippians 4:10-13 (NIV)  “I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.  Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

“Best. Weekend. Ever!”

Those three words can easily describe the weekend I had last Friday-Sunday. :)

I had to work on Friday, but after work I went and grabbed dinner and then went to a women’s conference with my best friend, some other friends, and “other mama.”  Aka, the best friend’s mom.  It was a good, chill night and I enjoyed it.  But I was really getting antsy about the next day’s events!

I don’t know if I’ve ever written about it or not, but while I was in ICU in the hospital, my family would tell me about “the girl in the next room.”  Being in the selfish mood I was in, I kept telling them “I don’t know her, so I don’t care!”  I mean, I had just had emergency brain surgery, my entire life was changing faster than I could say “my entire life is changing,” and I was in a lot of pain.  It was cool and all that there was someone else “like me,” but I honestly was just focused on myself.  I think a lot of us are that way, though, in this situation.  Anyway, as I started to “sober up” (haha those medicines they put you on are extreme) I began to realize that over the past week my family had befriended the families of others in the same situation as myself.  I began to realize that I didn’t want anyone else to feel alone like I did, and I began to realize that I was going to be better one day and I shouldn’t just be so focused on me when there are others hurting.  So I began to ask questions.  When my family told me a little about her, I was interested, but I was still so focused on me, and how I was going to get through this.  Eventually, when I got home and realized how isolated brain injuries are, I had to find some kind of support.  That’s when I joined the Brain Aneurysm Foundation and started to post a lot.  Asking questions, answering the questions of others, and learning.  I asked about “that girl in the hospital next to me” often, but my mom had lost her mom’s contact information, so we had no way of communicating.  But I began to think of her often and just wonder…

I then started this blog in June, and started telling my own story once I finally felt more like myself.  Turns out, “the girl in the next room” and I would connect anyway.  It’s a God thing!  Haha.  See, her mom also lost my mom’s contact information.  But “T,” as I call her, had been researching something about sinus headaches on the Brain Aneurysm Foundation website when she found me.  Right around this time, I had linked them to my blog, and T found my blog.  As she read through my journey, she realized who I was and left me a comment.  I commented her back, then emailed her, we exchanged numbers, and we’ve been in contact ever since!  It’s so funny… See, God always has a way of working it out.  I never thought she’d find me, or that I’d even know a thing about her.  Now I call her sister, she’s a dear friend, and we officially got to meet this past Saturday! :)
T and her mom came to visit me and my mom on Saturday morning.  I was so nervous!  Haha, it sounds silly… But I just wasn’t sure how to act.  Well duh, like myself… But she and I had shared a pivotal point in our lives, without ever having met one another.  What we each went through is a huge deal and I guess it was just weird to have connected to someone on such a deep level in spite of never meeting them in person.  It was okay, though, because from the minute I officially met T and her mom, I felt comfortable.  I felt like maybe this whole experience could make sense, after all.  I don’t know why we got sick, and I don’t know why we’re “mysteriously” in contact after a series of “coincidences.” Haha.  I do know that it’s a God thing, and a good thing, though!  We chatted at the house for a bit, then decided to go grab some lunch.  I drove us into town, and we had lunch at Johnny Carino’s.  Yum, Italian!  We weren’t originally going there, but halfway through the drive I just got a craving for their potato soup.  I asked the ladies if that’d be okay, and they all said yes.  It was delicious.  If you haven’t had their potato soup, and you like it, I recommend you try it!  After lunch, the four of us went to my best friend’s house and talked with her and her mom for a while.  It was just a good, chill, happy afternoon, really.  It was nice to just sit and converse with this group of women who all mean something to me, in their own ways.  I loved it!  Despite the cloudy weather, we were all shining bright.  :)  We came back out to the house, and then T and her mom were preparing to head home in order to beat the sunset!  But first, you know we had to get a picture haha.  Here we are!

She is on the left, and I’m on the right.  Excuse that awful grass.  That’s what a “too hot” Summer looks like haha.  Soon after, she and her mom headed out.  But not before T managed to give me two gifts and a card.  I opened them after they left, and I can’t lie, I cried a little bit.  It’s just so… Umm, still surreal to reflect on this year.  As I’m feeling more and more “normal” (ha, what is that?) again, I sometimes forget (in a way) that this ever happened to me.  If I didn’t see a small piece of the scar on my forehead, see the tiny scar left on the inside of my left arm from the PICC line, still feel tender spots on the right side of my skull, or get intense headaches when the season/barometric pressure changed, I might not think it happened.  So receiving those gifts and that card (which, by the way, T, since I know you’re probably reading this haha… Had two of my favorite verses in it!) were just reminders that it is real, and that I am a survivor.  There’s a lot of strength in that, and there’s a lot of strength in community.  It’s important for us to band together with others when we’re undergoing a tough season in our lives.  In brain injuries it’s even more important.  It is such an isolated place, and one that doesn’t even make sense to the victim, sometimes.  I know some days I’ll be doing something or thinking something and I find myself saying “What? I never did/thought/said this before! Why now?”  Haha it’s because my brain plays tricks on me, now.  It’s nice to share that with someone else who “gets it.”  It’s nice to know that you’re not alone, and (for me) nice to encourage someone else through their own storm.  Life is good, I am blessed beyond all comprehension or understanding, and I greatly enjoy the relationships I’ve formed as a result of this ruptured brain aneurysm.  I may not understand it at all, but I’m thankful.

It’s a Romans 8:28 thing… “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  It doesn’t read the good things, the great things, the bad things, the awful things… It reads all things.  Good, great, bad, awful alike.  What happened to us (and many others) is pretty awful, and I don’t wish it on anyone.  But I am grateful for the blessing to have pulled through and the fact that I’m able to communicate clearly enough share my story.  I’m grateful for the relationships formed that I know will last a lifetime.  I’m thankful that we had the opportunity to meet up and enjoy each other’s company, this past weekend! :)

 

I lounged around the rest of Saturday (at least I think I did haha… I can’t remember!) and then on Sunday, I got up ready to rock because I had breakfast plans with my best friend before we went to church!  I got all ready, went to her house, then she and I went to breakfast at Ihop.  Haha we had been discussing the lovely Cinnastacks pancakes for a week or so prior, and we had to finally get some!  We enjoyed our breakfast, and got to church early enough to get a seat.  Haha church is packed, and I like it!  As always, worship and the message were great.  I seriously love that church and the nourishment I receive for my soul (and body) there.  We then went over to our college life group after church for lunch and discussion over that morning’s sermon.  Lunch smelled delicious, but Rachel and I were both quite full from our indulgent breakfast haha.  So… We did the smart thing, and ate vegetables and dessert!  Haha.  Green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, and “ooey gooey butter cake.”  I don’t know where they got the recipe from for that cake, but it is so good! Super sweet, and I’m not big on sweets at all… But this one is good. :)  Lunch was chicken fried steak or lemon pepper chicken.  Too bad I was still full from breakfast, it looked very good.  But I was content with my “healthy” lunch haha.  After church, I came home and called myself taking a nap.  Of course, that did not work.  My mom had company, and then my good friend and her husband showed up with their little guy who just so happens to be my god brother.  This kid is a sweetheart!  So well behaved and he speaks so clearly for only being 2.  His parents are doing a great (Proverbs 22:6) job! :)  He use to be so shy and would hardly even look at me, much less talk… Or… *gasp* take a picture!  Haha took me two years, but I finally got a picture with the little guy!

 

 

Haha aww!  Look at that smile!  Definitely worth forgoing a nap, I’d say!  We had a good afternoon and late lunch/early dinner (compliments of my mom!) and it was just nice to lounge around and enjoy company.

 

Family is important to me, although I don’t define family as just a blood line.  Family is about where your heart is, even if you don’t share a name. :)  This past weekend, I got to spend surrounded by family and friends who have become family.  I can’t think of a better way to enjoy my life.

God is so good, and I’m so thankful for everything He’s doing in my life.  Even if I question it, hurt because of it, and feel deeply unsure about it… I know He is sovereign and that He will work everything out for my good.  I’m blessed, and I’m thankful!
Remember, as I always say, tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!  You don’t know what tomorrow holds, but you can use the time you have today to make it right with the Lord.  You can use today to make it right with those you’ve wronged in the past/those who have wronged you in the past.  You can use today to let go of the hurt, the bitterness, the anger, the guilt.  You can use today to say “I love you,” and mean it.  You can use today to smile, because you can.  I encourage you to seek God and invite Him into your heart and life.  Seriously, there’s nothing on Earth that compares to the relationship He’s willing to have with each and every one of us.  I have a sense of peace that surpasses anything I could ever find on this Earth.  It’s about being right in spirit, so I’m right in my heart, then everything else flows from that (Proverbs 4:23) into my daily lifestyle.  It’s great, really.  He’s there, you’ve just got to invite Him in. :)  It’s getting kind of late, well… I’m getting kind of tired haha.  So I’m going to go ahead and call it a night, now… Just wanted to give y’all a “real” post.  Hope that each of you is doing well, wherever you are or whatever you’re going through.

 

Be blessed, y’all and goodnight!! :)

You can’t take it with you.

Just in a heavy train of thought today, and I’m really starting to see what a good friend of mine has seen (and accepted) for so long.  We need to live simple lives.  Have enough to get us by, but not so much that we feel we would die if we happened to lose it.  That’s a serious problem.  We (physically) need food, clothing, and shelter.   You don’t need so much food that you’re throwing it out because “no one will eat it,” (meanwhile you drive by people who would kill for a bite of that food you just wasted) you don’t need so much clothing you can’t close your closet doors, and you don’t need a house so big that you could comfortably house your family, and 10 other families.  Unless of course, that’s why you had a house that big to begin with.

They say slavery has been abolished.  I say that’s a lie.  We are slaves to the system.  We are slaves to trying to get everything, to be someone.  Why?  Why can’t we just be grateful and secure in having the basics?  Can you even imagine what it would look like if everyone had just enough to survive?  My, oh my… What would we do if we didn’t have to go to work 40 hours a week to try and keep up with this ideal lifestyle?  Would we spend more time with friends, with family?  Would we learn what it really means to live?

What would the simple life look like to you?

That’s the question I posed to my friends this morning, after I told a friend he’s been right about this whole simple life idea, all along.

But in the meantime, I’m finding myself wondering what if we could be the generation to revive the simple life?  Sure, don’t get me wrong, I’m kind of  a nerd haha.  I love technology, but I’ve already shared that I feel we’ve lost the basics that are so vital to sustaining real, meaningful, whole relationships with one another.  Isn’t that what life is all about?  Relationships?  Think about it.  You have a relationship to yourself (yes, you do), you have a relationship to family, a relationship to friends, a relationship to the doctor, the dentist, the cashier at the grocery store, the teller at the bank, the hairdresser… We get into relationships with people we’re romantically attracted to, just so we can say we’re in relationships, without realizing we’re already in several relationships!  Seriously! Everything is about a relationship.  When something goes awry in that relationship, you may even freak out about it.  Seriously, have y’all seen how upset ladies get when their hairdresser moves salons and/or towns?  It’s serious.  Haha.  But what I’m saying is, what if we just got back to the basics?  What if we just said goodbye to the “status quo” and reinvinted our own status quo?  Do we really need all of this stuff?  Stuff is fun, but we can’t take it with us.

Which leads me to this…

What if we all put the relationship with the One ahead of every other relationship?  No, not that guy or girl you’re convinced you’ll marry… I’m talking about a relationship with Jesus Christ.  That’s the way it should be, but God gave us free will (I know they say God doesn’t make mistakes, but sometimes I really question what He was thinking in giving us all of these choices!  We are so reckless as humans, we are intrinsically flawed and it leaves me wondering if we deserve to have all of this mental free space?) and we get to choose our lineup.  Can you imagine if everyone truly put Christ first (or even if the majority truly put Christ first) and lived like He tells us to live?  What a beautiful world that’d be.  I know not everyone is a Christian, and some don’t even believe there is a God… But a lot do.  However, a lot don’t act like there’s a God.  Everyone wants the label of “Christian,” but few are dedicated, disciplined, and determined enough to live like a Christian should live.  Be honest with yourself, are you really living for Christ?  I didn’t say the title of Christian, I said are you really living for Christ?  Is He your hope when you’re in need, is He who you first turn to when a situation comes out of nowhere, is He who you dedicate your heart, mind, soul, and body to, even if you do love that guy/girl? Is He the one that you seek first?  Is He?  Honestly evaluate that for yourself, and your life, then make adjustments accordingly.  He loves you, He allows you to live day to day, and He wants (and deserves) your heart. :)

You see, in Matthew 6, we’re told a few things as Christians about life on this Earth.  I’m quoting directly from the NIV.  It reads:

“Treasures in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

²² “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,^[c] your whole body will be full of light.²³ But if your eyes are unhealthy,^[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Can you even imagine what that’d look like?  To live life presently for the eternal?  Can you imagine serving God and not money?  Can you imagine having to choose?  Which one do you choose?  See, God knew all of this long before we even existed.  He knew that our economy would go downhill, that people would be readjusting their lifestyles, maybe some of us would be asking  “Is this even necessary?”  He knew I’d be writing this blog, and He even knows what I’m going to say as the thoughts are spilling over in my mind.  How cool is that?  He is truly everything, and we are truly too focused on things that don’t last.  We’ve started to let stuff make us, and we’ve quit making stuff.  It’s sad, and I’m just saying maybe there needs to be a turn around.  Maybe we need to just have what we need to survive, and a few wants here and there never hurt… But that can’t be your ultimate goal.  We just need to get back to the basics.

I mean, really, if you can’t take it with you… What does it truly matter?  That doesn’t mean don’t try to make a living for yourself, don’t treat the people around you and yourself well… It isn’t an excuse to not try.  You should always try to do well enough to maintain yourself and strong relations with others… But you cannot take things with you, and you cannot take people with you when you go.  Surely the whole point to life on this Earth is more than the acquisition of material possessions.  That’s why I believe that we’re souls who have bodies.   C.S. Lewis said it perfectly when he said “You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

That’s exactly it.  If we would just realize this, we would nurture our souls and the souls of others instead of trying to attain all of these physical things.  It’s just time we go back to the basics.  Have and get enough to take care of yourself at the very basic level, maybe a little above… But not too much.  If you are blessed with much, you should share with others.  Spread the wealth, so to speak.  Remember, you can’t take it with you.  God can see your heart and He knows what your mind is thinking before you can even think it.  If you’re truly following after Him, you’ll obey His commandments.  We need a revival of seeking God.  We need to dive deeper into His character, and His word as the instructions He left for us to guide our lives.  We need to search for Him, and when we find Him we need to confess, repent, and turn away from the things keeping us back.  I’m saying this as a Christian, and speaking for my generation and my country as a whole.  It has gotten out of hand, and enough is enough.  Time to go back to the basics.

Which brings me back to this: What would the simple life look like to you?

Why did You leave me here?

Sitting outside this morning, listening to the birds chirping, watching the leaves gently sway from side to side on the tree in my front yard, and feeling the blissful combination of cool and warmth permeating the air.  I stop, and I think, “How could you not love God?  How could you not give thanks to the Creator of this Earth, the Creator of the change of seasons, the Creator of the sun, the sky, the moon, and the stars?  How could you not love the Creator of you, the Creator of me?”

It really plagues my mind that people don’t take advantage of the free love he so graciously and generously offers to each and every human being.  In a culture so tantalized by “free” giveaways, we sure do pass on the greatest free offer of all.  Christ’s love.  What is wrong with us?  Why can’t people see what I see, and feel what I feel?  Who’s gone astray?  Me, or them?  I guess we both have, in a way.  Except I’ve chosen (and have to choose daily) to deviate from the “normal” way of life.  They choose to go along on the “normal” road of this world.  One that I no longer wish to travel, because I did, for most parts of 24 years, 2 months, and 2 days.  I say that because my life drastically changed on February 4, 2012.  I will never be the same again, and I am so grateful for it.

Haha oh, I wish I didn’t have “brain surgery brain” some days.  My thoughts just get trapped.  It isn’t like writers block, because I know what I want to say… But it’s like my mind can’t formulate it in a coherent way of writing.  Like right now, I had all kinds of thoughts to put into a post… But I don’t know how to say it!  Hahah.  I laugh, but it’s kind of not funny.  I feel like I confuse people because I’m all over the place and what I’m trying to say isn’t quite logical.  I apologize if I just go off on tangents and ramble, and leave you asking “So, what was the point of that?”  Bear with me… My post brain surgery brain functions just a bit differently.

Anyway, back to my original train of thought…

How people can actively choose not to take advantage of the greatest offering of love we could ever experience is beyond me.  Why?  Is it because you don’t want to have to sacrifice “your” life in pursuit of God?  In that case, let me tell you, it isn’t “your” life.  He gave it to you.  The very least you could be willing to do is give it back to Him.  Pray “Your will, not mine” (Matthew 6:10) and mean it.  It’s  a hard prayer to pray, and even more difficult to mean it.  You have no idea what He has planned for you, and sometimes it is downright scary.  But I assure you, that it is worth it.  His will is worth it.

I didn’t pray for His will to be done, or at least not to my knowledge, when I got sick.  Who knows?  I had been intubated, and for that they sedated me, not to mention the near hypothermic state they had induced to slow down brain damage from the aneurysm rupture, or the drugs they had used, or the Propofol they administered.  I don’t know what I said to God, but I do know that He was with me on the morning of surgery.  Remember this?  I can only imagine (because I have no memory) that I called on Him, and He came to be with me.  Maybe I did tell Him “I’m scared, God.  I don’t understand what is going on, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been living the way You’ve created me to live, but please just be with me. Whatever I’m going through… I trust you.  Please protect me and watch over me.  Please calm my fears.”  I don’t know that I did that, but I can only imagine that I did.  If I did, then that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my almost 25 years of life.  It is one that I will never regret.  Why?  Because, I realized the impact of His love.  It is incredible, and I encourage everyone to at least give it a try.  I doubt that you’ll regret it, when all is said and done.  There will, though, undoubtedly be moments where you wonder if you did the right thing.  Because it can hurt.  But you know what?  He still reigns.  He still cares about you just the same, and He has not abandoned you even though you may seriously wonder that some days.  Trust me, I get it.  He gets it.   I’ve been there, thought that, and yet He still loves me with an all consuming love.

So while I don’t believe God made me sick, I do believe that He allowed me to become sick.  See?  He never says how His will will be done.  Maybe His will will be accomplished through illness, maybe it’ll be accomplished through a job promotion, maybe it will be accomplished by getting married and/or having a child(ren).  You don’t know.  But we are told (Romans 8:28) that God works all things to the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.  Trust me, lying in a hospital bed in ICU, staring at the PICC line in my left arm, with an extreme neck ache, and continuously being told to stop touching my newly formed battle scar (haha my incision) I didn’t feel very loved by God at all.  How could you love the God who almost let you die?  I feel like that’s what people think when they see this transformation in my life.  I’ll tell you how… Because I’m alive.  I’m not dead, am I?  The key word there is almost.  He left me here, again.  I’ll expand on the “again” some other time, but He left me here.  He has work for me to do, and He left me here in excellent condition, all things considered.

He could have left me here having suffered severe deficits, wheelchair bound, unable to feed, bathe, or clothe myself.  If that had been in His will for me, He could have allowed that to happen.  But no… He left me here almost the same Robin I was before the surgery.  Just a few more quirks, now.  By quirks I mean moments of intense memory loss (haha I can’t be put on the spot now to answer a question about the day’s events because my recall is impaired and greatly slowed down), headaches that are no fun with weather changes, flashes of anger where I feel almost out of control (thank the good Lord that I pray everyday for Him to temper me and go before me during the days) because of frustration, and at times overwhelming exhaustion.  How are you tired from doing nothing?  Oh, the perks of a brain healing and still functioning enough to make my body parts function as they should.  Props to my brain for still putting up a good fight.

I love Him because He left me here in such great condition and He loved me enough to once again take me away from death’s door.  Twice, in almost 25 years, I have walked away (or when I was a baby, carried away) from what should have killed me.  You can’t tell me there isn’t a God.  Well, you can, but I will dismiss the foolishness.  I love Him and welcome Him into my life, because I can see it now that He has a mission for me and I can’t go to be with Him until it’s done, here.  I don’t know exactly the specifics of this mission, but maybe it’s just to share my story in hopes that someone else who needs to hear it will hear it, and contemplate seeking their own real-lationship with God.

I speak because I feel like I have to.  I feel a compulsive need to share my test that turned (and is still turning) into my testimony.  Not to be vain, self centered, and arrogant.  I bet people get tired of hearing it, but I just have to share it because I don’t know who needs to hear it, but there is someone.   I just feel like people are always on the edge of “maybe” diving into the waters of a living relationship with Christ.  If hearing my story, hearing my struggles, and perhaps being able to personally identify with my pain pushes them over the edge, then so be it.  I consider that  a victory.  Maybe He left me here to speak.  Maybe part of the way I shine my light is being unashamed in telling of my past, and how I wasn’t a bad person, but I certainly wasn’t living right as a true Christian would live.  I don’t know, I’m just guessing.  But I can’t escape the feelings that bubble in my chest when I tell a portion of my story and someone’s eyes have this feeling of connection in them.

I can’t escape that feeling that says “this is it” when I tell them a brief synopsis of my journey these past seven months and I see tears well up in their eyes.  I can’t escape that feeling that says “finally, someone understands me” when we bond over shared brain surgery/injury experiences and they feel like they could just come crashing into my arms for a hug from someone who truly understands.  I can’t escape that feeling that says “so He is real?” when I tell them I had an 80-90% chance of death, or severe, severe impairment from brain damage but God said no.  They look at me in awe, in shock, in comfort, in love when I tell them… And I can only hope that it isn’t just my physical body that they see, but that they can sense God through me.  Through my words, through my writing, through my tears, through my laughter.  I can only hope that they can experience the love I’ve found.

 

The same love I experience, both from and for Christ is available to you.  All you’ve got to do is open up your heart and allow Him space and time to do what He needs to do in your life.  I don’t want people to have to go through something so catastrophic before they wake up.  Really, I don’t.  Maybe that’s the way God will accomplish it through your life, I don’t know and I can’t even begin to guess at the way He thinks (I’m smart, but not that smart haha) but I do just want to encourage people that He is real, and He is waiting.  His love won’t cost you anything, but it will cost you everything if you’re serious in your pursuit of Him.  But it’s a price you’re willing to pay when you experience the beauty of it all.  I have no desire at all to live as I was before I became sick.  I don’t watch the same TV shows (I barely watch TV at all, actually), I don’t read the same magazines, I don’t listen to the same music (yuck, most of it is pure garbage), I don’t eat the same (this one can be tough but I want to take care of my body as the temple He designed it to be so I need to make the right choices), I don’t drink alcohol at all anymore (I was never a big drinker before, but I definitely liked my Jack and Coke’s and the occasional beer on a night out with friends), I don’t talk the same (thank the Lord, because I had some horrible language at times), I don’t behave the same (I still have to surrender my flesh everyday to stay on a positive path–it can be hard), and nothing is the same.  Because everything is better.  In looking back at all I’ve given up, I can say it’s worth it.  More than worth it to experience the love that I have for Him, but even more worth experiencing the love He has for me.  Don’t think that you’re too far beyond His reach.  You’re not.  He knows your heart, and He wants your heart.  Seek Him.  Do realize with eyes wide open that if you’re truly following after Christ, you’re going to have to give up the ways of this world… But in that same glimpse, realize that He is beyond worth anything you could ever acquire in this world.  There are some pretty great pleasures in this world, but they don’t even remotely compare to having a spirit that’s alive, thriving, and well.

 

Seek Him.  Be blessed, my readers.  If any of y’all need any prayer, drop me a comment or you can email me at xoxoro7@gmail.com too if you’d like. Thank you for reading, and I hope that maybe there’s something here for you.  :)

 

The 4th.

Well, I guess I wasn’t paying attention at all yesterday.  Haha.  Yesterday was the 4th, making it exactly 7 months since the night of the aneurysm rupture.  I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until pretty well into the day, but it did.

It’s funny, because I wrote the date down several times yesterday.  It just didn’t actually click in my mind until later on in the day.  I was doing something and I was like “Yeah, today’s the fourth so…” “Wait! Today is the 4th? Wow, 7 months!”  I knew Thursday is the 6th, and I knew that’d be 7 months officially since surgery… So I don’t know why the 4th didn’t quite click.  Haha.  Oh well, anyway… I’m just very grateful for the progress I’ve made.

My brain buddies, I promise y’all that it does get better.  I know it’s such an isolated place.  Especially when you seem normal enough to be “normal” in society.  I know that they can’t see what ails us, and I know that they assume we’re fine.  I know that we often don’t feel so fine.  I know we get headaches, we start forgetting things, we get much more frustrated much easier, we’re virtually unable to multitask because it puts too much strain on our brains to concentrate, I know we may have emotional moments where we cry, I know we are just different.  It hurts, I know.  But please listen to me when I say that it gets better.

 

The first 4 months of my recovery were questionable.  I lost that spark that makes me, me.  Everyone could see it, too.  I’m not a pessimistic person.  Realistic, yes, always… But I am not a doom and gloom type.  God didn’t create me to be that way, and I don’t want to be that way.  That’s why it was so difficult to “wake up” in the beginning.  It was hard.  Everyday I cried, and everyday I had this awful mentality that “Well, guess I’m stuck like this forever, now.  I don’t want to live like this.”  Please understand, I was not, am not, and have never been suicidal.  I simply felt so far removed from my own sense of self with this brain injury, that it was hard to figure out what was from the injury, what was from the shock of such a traumatic surgery, and hard to figure out if this was the “new normal” for me.  It was just so jumbled up and mashed together that I couldn’t sort it out.  I was so frustrated everyday.  Even worse than me being frustrated, I was frustrating my family with my incessant sadness and tears, I was frustrating my friends because I wasn’t the Robin they knew.  I was hurting, they were hurting because I was hurting.  What a mess it was.  That’s when I got fed up.  See, things happen when I reach a certain point.  When I get tired enough, or angry enough, I move.  Don’t know why… I’ve just always been this way, and it works for me.  But somewhere in that time, I had had enough.  I got angry with this brain injury.  I got angry with the devil and his attempts to bring me down, I got angry with myself and tired of myself, so I decided to change.

 

The best choice I made was to seek professional help in dealing with this madness.  Seriously.  I’m not ashamed, either, to say that I go to a therapist weekly who helps me sort out the issues.  He’s a really great guy, and he’s Christian based which makes it even better for me, as my faith is a huge part of who I am and how I’m healing.  At first, I was skeptical.  Thought I’d just need to take medicine everyday to get “me” back, and I wasn’t so thrilled on the idea of going to a therapist for my mental health.  There’s still a stigma there, that if you’re seeking help for mental health, you’re “psycho.”  Not exactly, and not always.  But I did feel rather confused about who I was, and who I’d be from then on out.  Anyway, we did the “new patient” type appointment where the doctor/therapist gets to know you, and then figures out what you’re hoping to achieve from therapy.  Haha I don’t know why I had expected to go in there one time, and all of a sudden just feel like rose petals and rainbows!!  Absolutely not.  Haha, that would’ve been kind of cool, though.  It just doesn’t work that way, though.  He has been working with me for a few months, now and I have felt myself come back alive.  I remember telling him in the beginning that “I’m alive, but I died.”  I honestly felt (and sometimes still do feel) that way.  Of course, now I can see it’s the parts of me that needed to die (heart change–closer to God) that died, and the same bright, optimistic, happy girl is there.  He told me that I was still under there, somewhere, I just needed help sorting out the pieces.  Boy, was he right.  I’m thankful he helped me realize that just because I gave up certain aspects of my “former life” (haha) doesn’t mean that the core aspects of who I am died too.  He’s right.  I’m here!  I’m better than I was before, because I put God first, and everything else really does seem to fall into place.  Just like He says in Matthew 6:33.  It’s true :)

 

If you need to go see a counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, go!  Don’t hesitate and think you’ll just get better, don’t think that you have to do it on your own, or that you are alone.  These people are trained to help.  If faith is a part of your life, seek out a Christian based counseling center that will gladly incorporate your faith into your healing journey.  Please go.  You’re not alone, and it can really help.  Even if you do have to end up taking some kind of medication to help balance out the chemicals, or whatever, do it.  It’s okay.  No one should pass judgment on you, and if they do… Kindly tell them to try and walk a mile in your shoes before they speak a word of negativity over you.  I wish there wasn’t such a stigma involved in mental health issues.  But who knows?  Maybe someone like me, who looks normal, talks normal, walks normal, hears/sees/smells normally, maybe someone like me could shed a little light that you can have a mental health issue (literally, I have brain damage) and still be “normal” or able to function in society.  People are always quick to judge and fear what they don’t understand.  I don’t blame them.  Been there, done that.  However, I would blame myself if I didn’t speak up on behalf of myself and my brain buddies.  I’d blame myself if I had the opportunity to enlighten someone on the world of a brain injury, and didn’t speak.  After all, don’t you ever think perhaps that’s why God left you (me?) here?  That’s what I think.  Maybe this is part of His plan (Jeremiah 29:11!) for me.  Maybe it’s my duty to speak up when I hear others making fun of someone who has a mental health issue.  Maybe that person has brain damage that makes them behave that way.  Maybe their injury/disability is invisible, too.  Maybe I just need to speak up.

 

Hello?  That’s why I write.  I hope to reach other people, I hope that this blog spreads like wildfire, and I hope that all of my brain buddies hear me and understand where I’m coming from.

 

Ah! Once again, I’m going off on a tangent.  Haha.  An indicator of right temporal lobe damage is a loss of inhibition of talking.  Think that’s true? :)  Sometimes, I do!  Haha.  I laugh about it, but it’s true to an extent.  Although, I’ve always been a big writer, and I don’t really talk much.  So I don’t know if it’s just magnified, now or what.  I’m actually quiet in person, believe it or not.  Unless I know you well… But even then, I find myself doing more listening than talking.  That’s fine by me.  I learn a  lot by observing and I’ve just always been this way.  I like it, too.

 

Anyway haha… Let me get to a point, here.  So yeah, yesterday means the 7 month mark since the night of the rupture.  So, so, so wild for me to reflect back on these 7 months and realize:

I almost died. Literally had an 80-90% chance of death.  Or severe deficits/disabilities if I did survive.
I am a survivor.  Not only am I a survivor, but I am surviving in awesome health given the dire circumstances upon my arrival to UTSW-ZL in Dallas early in the morning of February 5.
God has a plan for me that is bigger than me.  A lot of things are bigger than me.  Haha I’m only 5’1″ :)
God is incredible.  I wish nothing more than to serve for Him and dedicate my life to His purposes.
God left me here for a reason, and I’m not entirely sure what that reason is, but I am going to just try and be a light to others.
I didn’t die.  Entirely, at least.  The parts that needed to go are gone and I’m living the right way, now.
My family is stronger than I think or even knew, until now.
My friends are incredible and they have shown themselves to be true throughout all of this.
I’ve had incredible opportunities to reach others “like me,” and hopefully shed some light on this situation. I think that’s awesome.
I’m stronger than I think.
I’m strong because God is strong in me, and He gives me strength daily.
I haven’t lost my love of learning.
Words are important, and they can make or break. It’s up to you.
Things really do get better, even if you see no end in sight, or no light in the night.
Hope is important.
My neurosurgeon is awesome.
The nurses at the hospital were also awesome, and if any of y’all are reading this, I DO REMEMBER YOU!!! Hahah Hi, if you’re reading this. :)
Life is good.  Even though sometimes it gets really, really difficult, ultimately life is still worth living and trying with all you have to live it to the fullest.
It’s important to share your story, you never know who might be reading and who might need to hear what you have to say.
Strength looks different and is different from person to person.  My type of strong might not be your type of strong. That’s okay.
It takes all types of people for this world to go ’round.
I’m still improving everyday.
Rest is important, no matter how “okay” I think I am, I still need rest, and my brain still needs rest.
Rest is still difficult for me.  Even when I’m resting, I’m constantly feeling like I need to be doing something.  It’s kind of weird haha.
Normal is a state of mind.
Brain injuries are no fun, but they don’t have to completely ruin your life, either.
God is so good!
Music is a great healing tool.
This is an uphill battle, and one that I continue to walk.

Just wanting to post something for my readers, haha.  I am too slack at this, sometimes.  I apologize.  I hope that all of y’all are doing well wherever you are in this world.  I checked my stats this morning and saw views from Russia.  Very cool, hello!  Have a blessed day, everyone!  Remember if any of you have any prayer requests or anything  you want to share/ask, you can email me at xoxoro7@gmail.com.  I will reply to you whenever I get a chance to do so!  be blessed, everyone :)

S.O.S

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”

I actually have no idea who said that, and my Google search to properly accredit its origin has rendered useless haha.  But I have always loved it, and it applies more to my life this year than any year I’ve yet lived.  Except maybe that first year, after all… I was born fighting to live, literally.  I’ll post about that another time, though.

Yesterday, the pastor preached yet another wonderful sermon.  Ever since I’ve started going to this church, I haven’t attended any event that didn’t leave me spiritually nourished.  Maybe it’s the church, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m open to being fed, now.  I don’t know, but I love what I’ve found, here.  Anyway, his sermon was about going “beyond my boat” and he structured it around Matthew 14:22-33.

As usual, it got me thinking, and I was thinking about how people will sometimes step out of their boat, fear they’re sinking, and then call out to something to save them.  What is that “something” for you?  Do you reach for a bottle to drown out the loneliness?  Do you light up another joint to “rise above it all?”  Do you take him/her to bed just one more time in hopes that maybe it’ll help you numb the pain?  Or do you retreat entirely, just thinking if you push everyone away, you can deal better?  I used to be that way, thinking if I just pushed everyone away, it’d give me time and space to think and I’d feel much better.  I’m not anymore, because I find refuge in Jesus through my trials.

You see, this year, I didn’t choose to step out of my boat.  I got pushed out, into uncharted seas, and boy were they raging.  I didn’t know how to navigate these waters, neither did my family or my friends, bosses, co-workers, anyone, really.  You can’t understand this unless you’ve been in the situation yourself.  It’s just very odd, brain injuries and all.  It makes for a lot of adjustment, patience, determination, faith, and strength.  In the beginning, I was terrified of living my life, even though they had saved my life.  Everyday I battled with the negative mindset of “something else is going to happen to me, and I’m just going to die.”  A psychologist I ran into “accidentally” (I don’t believe in accidents haha) told me “It’s like you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  Yeah, exactly.  I was waiting for that next monstrous wave to crash into my tiny sailboat and cast me even further from the shore.  I just knew something would kill me.  And you know what?  Something will.  But like my neurosurgeon told me at my last follow up in June, “I don’t think you’re in any imminent danger of dying suddenly, right now.  You’re okay.”  Being reassured from the medical staff who helped save my life means a lot to me, because they would know… They deal with that stuff everyday.

Anyway, I’m still sailing along, and I’ve been given clarity to see the direction in which I’m traveling.  I’ve learned strategies to help prepare for those storms that will inevitably pass through (prayer, music, relaxation techniques, knowing when to say no and walk away, days of rest and not feeling guilty about how I can’t “run” like I use to) and how to keep from sinking if I do end up having to tread water because one of those waves was just rocky enough to toss me back out into the big, bad, ocean of brain injury.  It is still scary at times, and I still have my doubts, but nearly 7 months in (wow, I can’t believe it’s almost been that long already) I can say I’m much stronger than I was in the beginning.  I would say months 1-5 were the most difficult just trying to process it all and figure out where to go next.  The bills piling up, not being able to work as I was able to previously, questioning God while simultaneously thanking Him for giving me life again, the paperwork, the sinus infection, the awful heartburn everyday for months, horrible sleep schedule… All of it, it was just so much to handle at once.  But you know what? I got through that.  Thank God.  I seriously thank God everyday.

When I have an S.O.S moment these days, He’s the one I reach for.  Since I cannot physically hold His hand, I reach for His Word and soak myself in the Truth of it all.  It helps to calm me down, reassure me that things will be okay, and gives me hope that even if things don’t feel okay, I will have the strength to get through it with Him on my side.  It feels wonderful, you know… To know that He will always be the exact same, in spite of how the world around me changes, in spite of how I change as I grow.  God is so awesome!

He has this remarkable ability to be there for you, just as He is for me.  His love is unlimited, and He is willing to share it with everyone who seeks Him.  All you have to do is ask, and He’ll come to your rescue.  How awesome is that? :)

Haha I’m sitting here and I was going to say something else on this particular post, but now I can’t remember what I was going to say!  Hahah, mannnn.  If I think of it, I’ll come back and edit this.  But if not, I just want to encourage you to seek Him to do your saving.  You’ll never find anything on this Earth that will give you the peace and comfort He can.  Remember, all you have to do is ask.  I hope this finds you all in good spirits, and living happily and healthily. :)

All He Says I Am.

We sang that song last night at church during our night of prayer.  It was a beautiful moment, actually to just sit and pray in a room filled with probably at least 50 other college aged young adults.  I’ve never done that before, and I really enjoyed it.  It’s nice to just get away from the world for a little bit each week and get some Truth Time as I call it.  It’s even better when you’re with other believers who just so happen to be your peers.  Anyway, we sang the song last night and I awoke with it playing in my mind first thing this morning.  It inspired the following status I wrote and posted on Facebook this morning:

“‘He whispers in my ear, tells me that I’m fearless. He shares a melody, tells me to repeat it. And it makes me whole, it reminds my soul, I am all He says I am. I am all He says I am, I am all He says I am, and He says I am His own.”

Beautiful song! As you go about your day, remember what He says about you. I know the world has its standards and stereotypes, but in the end, they don’t matter.

You don’t have to look like a model and paint your face with expensive makeup everyday to be beautiful, girls. You don’t have to spend hours in the gym trying to perfect your physique in hopes she might finally notice you and give you a chance, guys. It’s okay if you don’t look flawless, maybe you’re a little socially awkward, and a bit self conscious. He created you, He loves you, and those truly following Him and living for Him will love you, too. There is only one man who has ever walked this Earth in perfection, and He’s none of us. Embrace you. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and a child of God (John 1:12).Most importantly in this world running rampant with lies, deceit, and brokenness… Believe that you are better than the sins that trip you up and ensnare you. Listen to me, girls and guys: You are worth more than a college night hookup that leaves you feeling empty and alone on Friday morning. You are worth more than that glass, can, or bottle of beer you think provides you liquid satisfaction and instant cool. You are worth more than that blunt you just rolled to smoke so you could “get away.” You are worth more than what the scale said about your weight. You are worth more than people’s opinions of you. You are worth more than perverse language to “fit in.” You. Are. Worth. More. So much more, in fact, that God sent His Son to the cross to free you from these sins. You don’t have to be held captive, (Galatians 5:1) even though sometimes you choose to be held captive. Too conditioned to imprisonment, you forgot what it felt like to be free. You don’t have to live that way, though…Confess, repent, and be free.

Remember who you are, and refuse to be anyone less, because He created you to be more.

Have a great day, everyone! ♥”

I don’t know who needed to hear it, but sometimes things like this just press on my mind and my heart, and I have to write until I get them out.  Until my spirit feels quieted again.  I’ve always been like this… And now since I’m getting closer and closer with Jesus in my attempts at following Him and His way, the matter seems even more pressing.  I feel a compulsive need to reach out to people and remind them of God’s love, God’s Truth, and the light of Jesus Christ.  I feel the need to reach out and show them something different in this world.  That’s what I’m trying to do, here… And it always feels good to me.  I’m so thankful to be alive and able to spread the truth.  I keep questioning why am I here?  Why did God spare my life again and leave me here, this time?  Maybe this is why.  Just to speak on the things I feel, and pray that they reach someone’s heart.    I don’t know.  I guess I’m looking for a more definitive answer… A big awakening, but maybe I’ll never get that.  Maybe the best I can hope for is for someone else to know what I know, now when I say I have a real-lationship with Jesus Christ.  It’s beautiful, and I encourage everyone to seek one for themselves.  He’s got enough love to sustain us all.  There is nothing He can’t do, and nothing we can’t do with Him.  Luke 1:37 reminds me of that when I feel like I’m just struggling and something can’t be done to change it.  At the very least, when we can’t change a situation at hand, we should change our attitude towards the situation at hand.  Life can be rough sometimes, I get it.  This has been such a challenging year for many of my friends and myself.  But we are making it, and we are going to push through.  I really pray that next year is less difficult in terms of drastic change and loss.  We just have to keep the faith, keep the fight!  I want to encourage you to do that, too.  Keep the faith, keep the fight.  If you haven’t read it yet, there’s a post on here with that title.  It explains the background on the phrase and what it means to me.  I know it’s rough, I know you may be afraid, angry, hurt, broken.  But there is healing in Jesus Christ, and you can call on Him anytime and with anything, because He cares.  Just like 1 Peter 5:7 reads!  He cares.  There is nothing too great or too small for Him to handle.  I promise you.  I pray about a lot of things.  Even the most seemingly meaningless things, I will pray about them.  He answers, too.  It might not always be in my timing, but it’s always in perfect timing.  God is good, y’all. :)

I hope all of my readers are having a wonderful day or night, wherever you are.   I’ll try to be more diligent about posting something for y’all to read, haha.  Life’s just been getting busy here and there, and like I’ve said before… I kind of have to be in a certain mental space to really write.  But I’m here, I’m pushing on, and I’m doing pretty well!!  Be blessed, everyone! :)

How He Loves.

One of my faaaavorite Christian bands and songs.  I just love this so much.  When I first heard it after surgery, I bawled.  Why?  Because it’s true, and if you’ve had a heart change and truly live for Christ, you’ll realize just how deeply He loves all of us.  It may even be enough to make you shed a tear, too.  Haha.  Anyway, just thought I’d share it with everyone. :)  I’ve got to get running and get onto work for the day, but I hope all of my readers make today a good one!!!

 

 

Another one of those posts where I’m unsure of a title.

I wrote and posted this status on Facebook this morning, and I felt the need to share it here, as well.  :)

“Okay… This (novel length-haha) status may seem mean, but that is not my intention. My intention is to try and reach people, so that maybe they too will have a change in heart (as I have– praise God) and truly give their life up to the Lord. So… With that being said, I’m telling y’all right now that a few of you will probably offended and may even see me differently, but that’s okay. The truth usually offends people. I know my heart in saying what I’m about to say, and so does He. That’s all that matters. Here goes!Just because a person dies does not mean that they go to Heaven. Yes, I really just said that. Let it sink in, because it’s the truth.

I guess it’s a common misconception sought out in the need of trying to find comfort in dealing with the loss of a loved one through death. A great loss, eternal, and final. Truthfully, you just want to feel that the person you care for is no longer in pain, and that they’ll forever rest in peace. I understand that sentiment very well, and I would like that for everyone. That’s why I’m saying this. I love people as a whole (even if I may dislike individuals) and I hate to see people suffering. It breaks my heart.

Anyway, 6 months ago, when I was dying and didn’t know it, I can tell y’all with 100% sincerity and honesty that I would NOT have gone to Heaven. I just wouldn’t. Not because I was an evil person or some highly immoral sinner. But because I hadn’t (yet) had a HEART change. That’s why we’re commanded in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” My heart wasn’t right. Sure, I did and said a lot of nice things, and those who know me best know that I was overall a good person, one they’d feel went straight to Heaven had I died. Thank y’all for that. But I know I wouldn’t have, because my heart wasn’t right with God, wholly. My heart was right with Him sometimes, and quite often… But it wasn’t wholly right, day in and day out. My heart didn’t belong to God. It belonged to me and whatever I wanted to do at the time. Everything we do comes from our hearts. It’s kind of crazy to trace every action or thought back to your heart, but if you really think about it, you might be able to see the connection. Anyway, on February 10 (4 days after an emergency brain surgery to save my life) I made the decision to give my heart to Him for good. I had grown up in church, I was baptized at a young(ish) age, I prayed the prayers, and sang the songs. It was just routine, and something I did because I liked it (but I hadn’t yet loved it) enough. My heart wasn’t in it. I decided in that ICU room that obviously I had undergone something very serious that I may have not survived. I didn’t know it yet just how close I was to death, but I knew my head hurt bad enough and that I felt weak enough I felt like I could have died and I was scared, because I realized in my heart that I didn’t know where I would’ve went and I wasn’t right with God. I made the decision to change that right then, and nothing has been the same since.

John 3:3 reads “Jesus replied, ‘Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.'” Everyday we have another chance at life on this Earth, is a day we have the opportunity (and should grasp it) to be born again. To give our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls to Jesus Christ. This is easy, yet we never take advantage of it, because it requires so much sacrifice and change. But you know what? The greatest sacrifice has already been made, and the debt paid. He paid our debt when He was sacrificed on the cross to pay for our sins. Do you hear that? He died for you. Yes, you. Me. Our families, friends, strangers we don’t even know. We can go to Him in our brokenness and sins, ask for forgiveness and truly repent of them, and we will be forgiven because He’s already paid the ultimate cost. All He asks in return is that we keep His commandments (John 14:15), and live for Him in everything (Colossians 3 is GREAT scripture to read for living a life focused on Him), and to love Him with everything we have (Mark 12:30). I truthfully don’t think those are too big of sacrifices to make, when I consider He DIED for me. Surely, I can LIVE for Him.

Back to John 3:3. To be born again means to be spiritually reborn. It is a definite and sure change, and I assure you that you can feel it in your heart. Everything will become different to you. It’s truly like you see with different eyes, hear with different ears, and think with a new mind (Romans 12:2) and it is beautiful. I encourage you all to try it for yourself. Ask Jesus into your heart and allow Him to reign supreme over everything your life. Confess that you are a sinner in need of a Savior, and that you believe Jesus died for your sins. You need to mean this with your heart and be sincere, though. When you do this, He will hear you, and send His Holy Spirit to dwell within you (Ephesians 1:13-14) guaranteeing your inheritance. If you think He doesn’t care about you, or that He can’t hear you… That’s not true. He does care, and He can hear everyone! He even says in Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. FOr everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” See? Just go to Him. He’ll be there, and He will answer. Reminds me of the song that Hillsong sings (The Rescue– beautiful song) “I called, You answered. And You came to my rescue and I wanna be where You are.”

When you give your life and heart up to God, you do truly feel the way they sing in those songs. Now that I’m living my life for God, I can feel the Christian songs I once sang just out of routine or because I thought the words are pretty. Haha, a friend of mine cries “Jesus tears” at music, and I totally get it, now!! The lyrics just have new meaning. I’m telling y’all… Everything becomes new when you give your life up to Him. It’s a beautiful thing, and if you truly do want to go to Heaven when your time on Earth is done, then you’ll have to make a true heart change and give it all up for Him. I want this for everyone, just as I was so graciously (and I could talk about God’ INCREDIBLE saving grace all day long haha) granted another chance to get it right. Ephesians 2 is another good read on this, especially verses 8-9. They read “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith– and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Not by works, so that no one can boast.” Amen. I don’t brag about me doing this… I made the decision to have a real-lationship with God, and this is no doing of my own, but of Him living through me. I didn’t choose to “get real” with Him either just to go to Heaven. No, I want to live for Him because He has given me life again when He could have easily called me out of this world. I’m so thankful for that. God is so good.

So, y’all… Just let me say it again: tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Make it right today. Life is fleeting, and we never know when our time could be over. Take what time you do have to make it right with Him. Yeah, you’ll have to walk a less traveled road, and it won’t be easy… But the eternal reward is what it’s all about. It’s worth it. That’s all I want to say. I love y’all, and I pray everyone has a blessed day. ♥”