Happy 1 year “blog-iversary” to me!

One year of blogging about my journey!  Happy faces and thumbs up, for sure!

Doing the “victory pose” during a happy moment. Thumbs up and big smiles, that’s pretty much my life mindset haha.

Haha umm, I meant to write and post this entry on the actual anniversary, but I was preoccupied on a “girls getaway” trip to New Braunfels!  I guess I could have written it before hand and left it as a draft, then just set it to publish on June 29, but that’s alright!  I’m here now, and that’s what matters.  I wrote my first post on June 29, 2012.  :)  To think that I didn’t even want to talk about this whole brain injury/brain aneurysm/stroke thing and now I’ve been writing for a little over a year, is funny to me.

I’m glad I started writing when I did, and I’m also glad that I didn’t write when I first came home last year.  Those first 6 months were the most… Dark times.  I just felt so confused, so conflicted, and mostly so scared.  Every ache and pain sent me into a panic, every sharp “zing” through my scalp had me convinced that I was experiencing something wrong with the clipping, and emotionally, I was a total mess.  I was dealing with so much all at once, none of which I had been prepared to deal with in the slightest. I’ve done a lot of reading and research, and many people have said that the general anesthesia and drugs coming out of your system can cause you to be really emotional.  But just for a recap, I had emergency brain surgery (no idea I even had an aneurysm until mine ruptured), the parts of my brain (most) affected control emotions, memory, and personality, and I was thrown into a sea of “what is this?” with no idea how to swim.  So what do you do?  You learn to tread water.  I’ve been treading water for nearly 17 months, now.  July 4 will be 17 months since “the night I died,” and July 6 will be 17 months since my life was saved thanks to an incredible neurosurgeon and medical staff that God used to help intervene.  I still firmly believe, though, that if He (God) didn’t want me here, I would not be alive (and doing as well as I am) today.  You can think what you’d like about that, but it won’t change how I feel.

 
Anyway, I’m just saying hey!  I may decide to blog about my weekend getaway this past weekend, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.  I just wanted to say something about having passed a year in blogging.  Writing is cathartic to me, so I don’t think I’ll stop writing anytime soon.  Just knowing that I can touch thousands of lives with one blog really propels me to keep sharing my heart, journey, understanding, faith, and struggles.  Seriously, y’all?  That blog has (at the time of me publishing this entry) 1,170 views.  My blog in totality (from June 29, 2012 to currently) has 4,121 views!  You know what that means to me?   It means that people are hungry for more knowledge, there are people out there struggling to find the words to explain to others, there are people who are willing to learn about “us” (with traumatic and/or acquired brain injuries), and that I have the ability to put it into words for “us” and them.  That’s a huge blessing, and I can’t thank y’all enough for being so awesome as to take the time to read it and share it with others!  It also shows me how God is faithful to use what gifts you have, if you’re faithful to use what gifts you have.  When I wrote that entry, I was in a moment of late night clarity and decided to just “speak up” for myself and two other survivor friends.  I never intended for it to reach as far as it has, and it still continues to spread today.  That’s pretty awesome, if you ask me! :)

Alright, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  It feels incredible outside, so I think I might go for a long walk and just get some fresh air. Maybe I’ll even run some if I feel okay!  Take it easy, everyone.  Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

One year annie-versary!!!

Wow.  Officially one year!  As a matter of a fact, as I type this, it really may literally be one year to the minute.  Haha I don’t remember the exact time, but I do remember it was around 9:30 PM the night of February 4, 2012 that my aneurysm ruptured!  It’s just 9:37 PM, now.

I don’t have much to say because I’m feeling rather introspective, I have a slight headache, and I’m mostly tired.  I just wanted to blog a little bit to make sure I say something on this day.

I’ve learned a lot in this past year, and I continue to learn more everyday.  Life is a gift, a blessing, and should be cherished.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  We just always go about our days as though we’re guaranteed the days following.  That is not always the case.  Some people won’t see tomorrow, some won’t even see the end of the day.  That’s why it’s important for us to make each day count, instead of trying to count the days.

 
I’m just really grateful, and really humbled by this experience.  I still have rough days, I am still in shock that this is my real life, I am still amazed by how much can happen to you.  The year went by so slowly, but once I started dealing with the fact that this was “the new  normal,” it began to fly by.  The quickest and slowest year of my life.  Definitely the most challenging, to date.  But you know?  I feel better for it.  I feel like this has brought me so much closer to God, and I want nothing more than for Him to use me.  I can see Romans 8:28 playing out in real (modern day, and my personal) life, and I’m just really grateful.

So… One year down, and looking forward to the rest of this journey.  I may not know the number of days I have on this Earth, but  I’ll take whatever He’ll give me.  Praise God for bringing me this far, and still carrying me through. I now know that life will throw some pretty tough obstacles in our path, but if we have God on our sides, we can overcome.  It provides a certain level of peace to me. Life is good, my friends.  Life is good!!!  Huge thank you’s to my family and friends who have stuck by me throughout all of this, as well as the “brain buddies” I’ve made because of our shared experiences!  Couldn’t get through without y’all, either!

Be blessed, y’all, and goodnight! :)

I’m not sure what to title this, so this will have to do!

“Plus, when you have God, you’re always happy.”

That was the reply one of my followers/someone I follow gave me on Twitter when I wrote him a direct message asking him if He was always happy.  Haha for real, this guy posts some of the most uplifting, bright, happy go lucky tweets of anyone that I follow.  I actually really appreciate people who also have bright spirits in this world.  It’s too easy to “go to the dark side.”  Anyway, naturally, his reply sparked a thought in my mind, and I told him I’d have to write a blog about it.

There’s a difference between joy and happiness.  In my opinion, happy is a state of mind.  It is temporary, and it is fleeting because it is dependent on circumstances.  To have happiness, every condition needs to be just right.  One inch too far to the left or the right, and your mood comes crashing down.  Joy is a state of heart. True joy is found in Christ, and it is permanent, regardless of the circumstances.  The circumstances may never be right, but you will have joy because your hope, peace, comfort, safety, and identity are found in Him.

He is the only One who is able to offer us what we truly need in this life.  As I’ve began a real-lationship with Him after nearly dying (again) earlier this year, I realized that in the end, He is all that matters.  Nothing I can acquire on this Earth can even begin to measure up to who He is, how He loves, what He has to offer.  I highly encourage people to seek Him when they feel like their life is missing something, or someone.  He is so often the missing ingredient when we’re trying to get our lives to taste “just right,” yet few actually seek Him out.

I’ve honestly always been the optimistic type, but this has been a year that could easily change that.  It’s literally been one thing after another since the middle of January.  I had a ruptured brain aneurysm on the night of February 4, 2012. As I’ve said before, I had no idea what an aneurysm was until mine ruptured.  Having emergency brain surgery, surviving a life threatening condition, trying to figure out “the new normal,” standing by friends as their loved ones have passed away (whether expected or unexpected, it still hurts), having to make some tough calls to make sure that I’m putting my health first, turning 25, realizing and accepting that my life is absolutely nothing like I’ve ever planned it to be, realizing and accepting that my life will be different but still a version of normal now, learning to live with a newfound, unexpected, mild acquired brain injury… Yeah, those are all events that have had the capacity to destroy my outlook.  “Why, how can you still manage to be happy?” is a question I hear very often from people who hear my story, and I have to say that I’m not always happy, but I am always filled with joy.  Why?  How?  Because!  I put God first in my life, now.  He’s no longer on the back burner, per se.  Just there if I need Him.  No, no, no.  He is here because I need Him, not if!

He created us to need Him!  He created us to turn to Him in all circumstances in life, even the things that we think He wouldn’t care the least about.  Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) reads “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  That verse has been instrumental in my recovery, because sometimes I feel ungrateful complaining about the (minor) deficits I do have, and the headaches I experience.  I think “you’re alive, Robin, stop complaining! It could be so much worse and here you are whining about a migraine.  Oh boo hoo, besides, God’s got better things to deal with than your silly little headache.  Tough it out!”  But clearly, I am able to take my migraines (fatigue, difficulties concentrating, and memory lapses haha) to Him, even if I could’ve suffered something much, much worse.

People have also asked me “So, you mean to tell me, you still love ‘a’ God who would make you so sick you almost died? What is wrong with you?”  Haha.  I have to somewhat laugh at this.  First of all, He did not make me sick, He allowed me to become sick.  God knows how to reach each of us, because He created all of us.  God knows that my mind is both my best friend and my worst enemy.  God knows that He had to cause something drastic in my body to get to my (soul) heart.  I’m not saying that everyone whose ever had a serious illness is the work of God trying to get to them, either.  I’m just saying that He customizes the ways He reaches us, depending on what He knows will get to us.  I’m just saying that in my particular case, I do believe that God allowed this to happen to reach me.  I’m just saying that yes, I do still love Him, praise Him, and seek Him because He proved the power of His love, even when He didn’t have to.  He showed me immense grace and mercy, because He’s giving me another chance, and this time I want nothing more than to live for Him, share Who He is with others, and have the chance to hear “well done, good and faithful servant!” when it is my final call Home. 

He proved the power of His love when, on the morning of surgery, I was able to write that I wasn’t scared because God is with me.  He proved the power of His love when the doctors, nurses, therapists and staff were able to treat me well.  He proved the power of His love when my family, my friends, and even strangers were pouring out precious time and energy to help get me back to “me.”  He proved His love when people would encourage me, remind me of who I am, love on me.  God works through many (and sometimes I find quite strange) ways.  Do I understand them?   No.  I can’t even begin to fathom how He works.  Isaiah 55:8-9, right there!  But I do know that I am entirely grateful, no matter what has had to be done for Him to accomplish His works.  Philippians 1:6 and Romans 8:28!  Those verses in bold just describe this year, this experience, this new life I’m living.  Romans 12:2 :)

So, all in all, even during my not so awesome days, I am joyful at heart because I know there’s a deeper reason for this.  I know it isn’t about me becoming sick, it isn’t about me nearly dying, it isn’t about me at all.  I’m merely a vessel He’s decided to use to display who He is, and I’m willing and able to speak about it.  I’m willing and able to share my test turned testimony.  I am unashamed, and I am completely thankful that He has given me the opportunity to be able to share His Truth.  It’s really awesome.  I was never a “bad” person (haha quite the opposite–considered ‘miss goody two shoes’ by most) before I became sick, but my heart wasn’t right.  God searches our hearts. See: Jeremiah 17:10.  We can do the most philanthropic, loving, kind, caring acts on this planet, but if our heart isn’t right, then we are not right.  I did good, but was my heart always good?  Were my motives always in the right place?  I can honestly say no, not always.

I got a good wake-up call, a solid reality check.  My ears, eyes, and heart are wide open.  I’m attentive, I’m listening, and I’m doing my best to live right, from the heart, every day that I am blessed to see.  That’s what joy is.  I’m not always happy, but my heart is always filled with joy. :)  He is giving me another chance, to make it right, when He surely did not have to.  The odds were totally against me, but He said “no” to a physical death, in exchange for a spiritual death and rebirth.  What’s not to find joyful about that?  Not everyone is so blessed, and plenty of people die everyday, having not had the chance to make it right.  As I say, as I’ve learned this year, “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!”  If you’re breathing, then you’re able to make it right in your heart with Him.  Confess your sins (He already knows, anyway), repent, and allow Him to work within you to change your life.  Well, the life He’s letting you borrow everyday.  We all belong to Him at the end of the day. :)  He’s a great caregiver.  Loving, kind, generous, and able.  Seek Him out, return to Him the (soul) heart He’s blessed you with, and live your life full of joy, regardless of whether or not you feel happy.  He’s able to provide.  I promise!  Besides, I can honestly say that my worst day with Him is better than my best days were without Him!  I sincerely mean that, too.  Try Him out, you’ll see it for yourself. :)

If you’ve read this, thank you.  I hope that you have a blessed day, and that something here “spoke” to you if it’s something you needed to hear.  If it has, you’re welcome.  Give God praise for the events He lines up that spark thoughts like this in my mind, where I feel I have to share it with someone.   Life’s just funny like that.  Go out, smile, and breathe.  If something is holding you back, remember that you can turn to Him with anything and He will hear you.  Allow Him to guide you where you need to go, and allow Him to move within your life.  Also, remember that happiness is dependent on circumstances, true joy is not.  True joy is only found in Christ.

Philippians 4:10-13 (NIV)  “I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.  Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”