Happy 1 year “blog-iversary” to me!

One year of blogging about my journey!  Happy faces and thumbs up, for sure!

Doing the “victory pose” during a happy moment. Thumbs up and big smiles, that’s pretty much my life mindset haha.

Haha umm, I meant to write and post this entry on the actual anniversary, but I was preoccupied on a “girls getaway” trip to New Braunfels!  I guess I could have written it before hand and left it as a draft, then just set it to publish on June 29, but that’s alright!  I’m here now, and that’s what matters.  I wrote my first post on June 29, 2012.  :)  To think that I didn’t even want to talk about this whole brain injury/brain aneurysm/stroke thing and now I’ve been writing for a little over a year, is funny to me.

I’m glad I started writing when I did, and I’m also glad that I didn’t write when I first came home last year.  Those first 6 months were the most… Dark times.  I just felt so confused, so conflicted, and mostly so scared.  Every ache and pain sent me into a panic, every sharp “zing” through my scalp had me convinced that I was experiencing something wrong with the clipping, and emotionally, I was a total mess.  I was dealing with so much all at once, none of which I had been prepared to deal with in the slightest. I’ve done a lot of reading and research, and many people have said that the general anesthesia and drugs coming out of your system can cause you to be really emotional.  But just for a recap, I had emergency brain surgery (no idea I even had an aneurysm until mine ruptured), the parts of my brain (most) affected control emotions, memory, and personality, and I was thrown into a sea of “what is this?” with no idea how to swim.  So what do you do?  You learn to tread water.  I’ve been treading water for nearly 17 months, now.  July 4 will be 17 months since “the night I died,” and July 6 will be 17 months since my life was saved thanks to an incredible neurosurgeon and medical staff that God used to help intervene.  I still firmly believe, though, that if He (God) didn’t want me here, I would not be alive (and doing as well as I am) today.  You can think what you’d like about that, but it won’t change how I feel.

 
Anyway, I’m just saying hey!  I may decide to blog about my weekend getaway this past weekend, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.  I just wanted to say something about having passed a year in blogging.  Writing is cathartic to me, so I don’t think I’ll stop writing anytime soon.  Just knowing that I can touch thousands of lives with one blog really propels me to keep sharing my heart, journey, understanding, faith, and struggles.  Seriously, y’all?  That blog has (at the time of me publishing this entry) 1,170 views.  My blog in totality (from June 29, 2012 to currently) has 4,121 views!  You know what that means to me?   It means that people are hungry for more knowledge, there are people out there struggling to find the words to explain to others, there are people who are willing to learn about “us” (with traumatic and/or acquired brain injuries), and that I have the ability to put it into words for “us” and them.  That’s a huge blessing, and I can’t thank y’all enough for being so awesome as to take the time to read it and share it with others!  It also shows me how God is faithful to use what gifts you have, if you’re faithful to use what gifts you have.  When I wrote that entry, I was in a moment of late night clarity and decided to just “speak up” for myself and two other survivor friends.  I never intended for it to reach as far as it has, and it still continues to spread today.  That’s pretty awesome, if you ask me! :)

Alright, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  It feels incredible outside, so I think I might go for a long walk and just get some fresh air. Maybe I’ll even run some if I feel okay!  Take it easy, everyone.  Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Writer’s block

Has decided to take a little trip my way, again.  That’s why I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Haha.  I will be writing again as soon as this block clears and I’m able to form thoughts coherently enough to make a “real” entry.  I’m still living well, no worries.  I hope that all of my readers are doing well (and feeling well) wherever you may be in this world.  God bless!!

Writing seasons.

Apparently I’m not in one.  I have so many thoughts to write on, but when I actually sit down to write, it’s like I just can’t actually do it.  It’s so weird.  I go through times like this, though.  I’ll come back when I’ve got real material for y’all. Haha.  I hope that everyone’s doing well, though! :)

So many words, but nothing comes out!

Staring at a blank screen, watching the cursor blink.

Full of thoughts, but no way of putting them into words.  Yeah, that’s the life of a writer.  I have a case of writer’s block.  I guess I might be able to combat this if I’d jot down enough notes to be able to just link them all together into an actual blog post.  But of course, I never just carry a notepad on me.  Haha.  When I do write, everything that you read is as it’s flowing from my mind, through my fingertips, onto this entry form.  It just isn’t fun being able to sit here and have something to say, but no way of saying it.  Such is life.

Haha.  I’m doing well, though, y’all and I hope that you are all doing well, also.  I’ve been staying pretty busy, which is definitely a good thing!  Just taking each day as it’s given to me, and still recovering in good spirits.  I can’t really ask for much more.  I’m just constantly reminded of the value of life, the fact that I’m not invincible, and thinking of what my life’s purpose is to be.

I’m planning on writing something of substance sometime this week, so be on the look out! :)

Be blessed, everyone.

Reflections.

I have been writing for years.  I’ve always loved words, languages, and the kinds of emotions you can convey with the written and/or spoken word.  Seriously, I love it!  Haha.  I was looking through my notes via Facebook a week or so ago when I couldn’t sleep, and I stumbled across some of my favorite “freestyle” writing adventures.  I really did use to just sit with the laptop open, staring at a blank screen until all kinds of thoughts would just start flowing.  Sometimes I would have a pen in hand hovering over a blank sheet of paper, then later put something together.  Just because.  I was kind of (and sometimes still can be) a night owl before I ever got sick, and that led to a lot of extremely late nights where I’d just be thinking, and write whatever came to mind.  I’m going to share some of them here with y’all, and maybe you’ll “get something” from them.  These are the ones that just so happen to be a few of my favorites.  :)

01. Emoticon.  Written July 29, 2010 

“If my emotions took the form of tangibility, maybe then you’d be able to comprehend me.

Ever changing like the cultures and scenery.

Maybe they’d roll into waves, with the force of a hurricane.

Or maybe they’d twist and turn like a tornado.

Perhaps they’d glide in like a warm summer rain,

or fade out like the sunset peering through trees.

Foggy, misty, gray, complete.

Building pressure like a volcano, just waiting to erupt.

Traumatic, potent, ablaze, lethal.

The tender kiss of a sunrise on a cold winter day.

Gentle heat of the sunshine reflecting off of a pool.

Blissful, enlightened, whole.

I’d have them come up to you, greet you, shake your hand.

Look you in the eye, tell you we’re not that different, and they understand.

I’d have them speak loud and clear, where everyone could hear.

Let you know that even though in distance, we are far apart in souls we reside very near.

If only, if only.”

Part. Written November 17, 2010 

“Sparks.

Here we go again.

Watch me ignite.

You.

You light me up from the inside.

Like the wick that rises from a candle to spread light.

So does your love, from the depths of my soul.

Out through the glimmer in my eyes, the shine of my smile.

Yet I keep it all contained.

Afraid if I let it show all its colors they may fade to gray.

We’ll never disappear, you’ll never turn away.

Quiet and deep.

Strong and pure.

Whole and even.

Subtle and understood.

Together we rest in the knowledge that we share.

Knowing that this is not forever guaranteed.

But forever cherished.”

Drifting. Written July 20, 2010

“So here I lay again.

Alone with my thoughts.

Thinking, wondering, questioning.

Pause. Stop. Repeat.

Not sure what I’m searching for,

Who it is I want to see.

Where I’m going.

If you’re where I want to be.

Fire and ice.

They exist inside of me, equally.

Taking turns switching burns.

Constant contrast.

Dark against light.

All wrong versus all right.

Different day, same night.”

C is for Courage. Written January 4, 2011.

“To that one person who seems to get to the very core of your being

despite your best efforts to keep him banned.

Attempts to escape are so futile, because the universe has a way of working things out…

Quite often in a concealing way, made apparent in hindsight.

Yeah. This one is for him.

Allow me to say

Thank you for being my catalyst.

Catalyst. That’s the most appropriate word to use.

For you, yourself, seem to show no signs of great change.

While I, myself, seem to roll along continuously, shedding skin.

True.  You sent my world straight into flames.

(Spreading like wildfire, unable to be contained)

Ignited something within my soul that I had never felt before.

Something for which I had no preparation, but all of the tools at hand to assist in this movement.

Do or die.

False.  You broke me.

(Into many fragments, jagged)

Shattered something within my soul that I had endlessly tried to deny.

Something which served only as a barrier to revealing the truest pieces of my existence, incessantly preventing growth.

Suffer yet survive.

I would tell you, but there are no words that can begin to illustrate the beauty

of realizing the power that so often lies latent within each of us.

I’d love to tell you, but…

There are no words that can begin to illuminate the freedom, and passion evoked

when you embrace the parts of yourself that you’ve so willingly gifted to others… But have disowned from oneself.

Instead, I’ll show you.

Open your eyes. Watch me fly.”

So, sometimes I really do miss just writing so randomly like that and seeing what I could come up with.  I’d always hesitate in posting the notes, much like I hesitate blogging some of my thoughts, for fear they won’t make sense.  However, I’ve received a lot of feedback, and they’re not as difficult to decipher as I think. :)  I  may have to take it up again, now that life has thrown me a unique set of challenges, and see where I can go, this time.  Who knows?  I’ll surprise y’all. :)

Be blessed!

Well, well, well…

Oh my gosh.  I am horrible at blogging!!  I just get so caught up in whatever I’m doing, I don’t take the time to sit down and write.  So, what have I been up to?

What haven’t I been up to?  This is going to be an incredibly random post… Haha.  Work with me, here.

In the past two weeks I have:
Worked. At each of my two jobs.
Been to church a few times.
Received my flu shot.
Regretted receiving the flu shot when I was reminded of how sore your arm becomes. :( Haha.
Laughed a lot.
Cried a little bit.
Reconnected with a dear friend of mine who kind of fell off the past 8 months.
Learned to control my temper.
Lost my temper.
Prayed and asked the Lord to “temper my temper.”
Comforted a friend.
Thought of being manipulative to hurt someone who hasn’t been the nicest towards me.
Decided against the thought of manipulation to retaliate, because really, what good does it do?
Decided instead to pray about this situation, this person (and people) involved, and ask the Lord to give me wisdom in the situation.
Reminded myself to “inhale, exhale, repeat.”  Seriously… I have a hot headed temper.  Can’t even lie about it.
Been to a Christian concert.

Enjoyed said concert.

Drank a mint chocolate chip milkshake.  Seriously, it’s divine!

Craved drinking a pumpkin milkshake.  I love all things pumpkin flavored.
Eaten a good steak dinner.  Twice.
Drank a chai tea latte from Starbucks. Twice.
Experienced the birth of a beautiful baby girl.
Held said newborn who wasn’t even two hours old and saw her tiny little eyes try to take in the world around her.  She was warm, kicking, and precious.
Been out of town to the DFW area for the second time since I’ve been home for something other than a doctor’s appointment.
Considered what I want to do with my life.
Debated back and forth what I want to study when I do get back into school.  Ahhh, what to do, what to do? Heeeelp!
Had a sleepover with one of my best friends in the middle of the week.
Paid bills for myself as well as helping my family.
Been reminded daily of everything I have to be thankful for, even when it seems like everything can be really overwhelming.

Life is good, y’all. :)  Hope that you are all doing well!!!

The truth is…

Artists are moody.

There, I said it.  People who choose to express themselves in a more artistic, visible, tangible way are moody.  We are constantly rocking back and forth in a sea of emotion.  For some of us, this sea is painted on a canvas, for others it is melodies, harmonies, and notes across a page, still others, words across a journal.  But we all share one common thread, and that’s the fact that we are always vacillating between this feeling and that feeling.  We just tend to be inclined towards a medium of expression, and there you have it.  Some of us make our expressions more public, others of us choose to keep to ourselves or those trusted few.  That doesn’t erase the fact that our temperamental natures are the source from which we operate.

 
We’re a different kind, a rare breed.  We function on a different wavelength than many around us, and that also explains why we are often quite introverted, preferring to “stick to our own kind.”  You know what?  It’s okay.  It takes all types to make this world go ’round.  Being moody doesn’t mean necessarily that your emotions are always on high or low, or that they vary between the two.  For me, being moody means experiencing a lot of different kinds of emotions in different capacities.  I don’t think this makes me “crazy,” either.  Which, by the way, I hate that label.  You don’t know what someone feels… So how about you don’t try and label them?  That sounds like a great plan to me.  Although, I will admit I’ve always thought that the only reason more people aren’t on some kind of mental healthcare management plan is because they find a way to let it all out.  For some people, that’s pouring it into work, a workout, a family.  But for the types like me, it’s pouring it into an art form.  A way of catharsis.

 

I can be brilliantly happy, and painstakingly sad all in one day.  All over one thing.  For instance, when I see a small child, it just does something to my (emotional) heart.  I just feel so light and happy that God would allow two people the opportunity to create and nurture another human life.  Then, I can look at the same child and wonder if his parents treat him well?  Does he have everything he needs at home?  What will his life be like as he matures?  Will he be accepted, or ostracized?  All of the thinking can make me question on very deep levels.  I do everything on a deep level, and nothing is surface with me, seem as it may.

 

The real question here may be, why do you care?  I ask myself all of the time why I care about things I have absolutely no control over.  Or… Does it just appear we have no control over anything?  Maybe we all have much more control over our surroundings, but only because we have control over ourselves.  I have no control over stopping the rain, it will fall anyway.  However, because I can control myself… I can dress accordingly and carry an umbrella with me.  We can affect the lives of others much the same way.  You cannot control how someone will act/react towards you, but you can control yourself, so you can act accordingly towards them.

 

Really, artists are just sensitive.  That’s what I’ve always thought, and I’ve always known myself to be. In fact, I’d even consider myself highly sensitive in the way of picking up on “vibes” of people, and places.  I just get “feelings” and run with them.  I’m a very introspective person, constantly monitoring my reactions and actions.  I have always been this way, and I don’t think it will ever change.  Why?  Because I choose to be genuine.  I choose to express myself in my most pure state.  Whatever that may be.  Pure doesn’t always look right.  Sometimes, I am very irritable and angry, and I will express that.  Doesn’t seem “pure,” does it?  No… But it is pure in its raw emotion.  That’s how artists are.  We express raw emotions through a medium, and somehow others can relate to us.  No, our sensitivity doesn’t always manifest itself through outbursts, tears, or laughter.  Sometimes you’ll only catch a glimpse of it through a perfectly constructed sentence, a series of notes joined together in just the right alignment, a dance choreographed to precision, a series of brushstrokes that join together to complete a picture.

 

A picture of what?  A picture of our insides.  That’s what you see when you see an artist expressing themselves through their chosen medium.  Although you may not understand, identify, like, or even agree with it, respect it.  They’re taking a huge leap of faith in putting themselves out there for all to see.  There is something to be respected in that.  When someone allows themselves to be vulnerable and on display, it says a lot about that person.  Maybe they’re doing it for themselves, or maybe they’re doing it for everyone else.

 

So next time, my fellow art dabblers, you’re feeling some kind of way without an explanation for it, it’s okay.  Pat yourself on the back and just acknowledge that while your physical body lives in one realm, your emotional heart very much lives in another.  You express those feelings through your art form, and that is okay.  There will always be plenty of people who think you odd, and so be it.  You can be exactly who you want to be without acceptance from anyone other than yourself and God.  Strive to live a life pleasing in His eyes, remember He knows your heart.  Be you, take it all in, remember that it takes all types to make this world go ’round, and embrace the experience.  We only get one shot.  Better make it count.

Next time you’re wondering why you are who you are, I encourage you to read Psalm 139:13-18.  Maybe that can shed a little light and help you to accept yourself as you are, regardless of other’s opinions of you.

Hope that you are all doing well!!

“No words, just feelings.”

There are times in life where we simply don’t have the words.

We don’t have the right words, we don’t have the wrong words.

We don’t have the short words, we don’t have the long words.
We don’t have the great words, the awful words, the in between words.
We just don’t have words.  Sometimes, there are no words, and only feelings exist.

 

I’m learning to accept this.  I get in these little… Withdrawal moods, I guess you could say where I just don’t have much to say.  I’m not one to mince words, or add them where I don’t have anything to say.  I speak deliberately and I don’t speak just as deliberately.

I wish this didn’t translate to my “writing voice,” though.  I feel like I neglect this blog… But as I’ve said a time or two, I just have to be in the right mindset to write.  Trust me, I’m always thinking of something… Always pondering something… And I’m almost always going to “write about that when I get home!”  Then I sit down to do it, and I just don’t feel like it.  Sometimes I will force myself to try and write… But it just doesn’t have the passion backing it, and I don’t want to write something when my heart’s not in it.
So, rather than cheat y’all, and myself… I just kind of wait until the mood strikes again.  I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but it is.  Rest assured, though… I’m going to try to blog at least 3 times a week.  I want to write more because I have so much to share, and people are constantly reminding me of how something I’ve written has “spoken” to them.  I appreciate that.  I need to show that I appreciate it, and share what I feel.  Even if I don’t feel like I’m in a certain mental space to share.  Sacrifices are important, especially for the greater good.
Hope you all are well!! Keep the faith, keep the fight!

Slackin’ pt 2

I apologize for being such a bad blogger, my readers! I’ve been kinda runnin’ around and my mind has been a bit preoccupied. I’ll try and get out a “decent” post for y’all this weekend, though! :)

I hope all of y’all are doing well in your places in this world. Much love!

Slackin’

Hello to my readers! I apologize for lack of updates, but I will do a better job this week. Things have been just a little whirlwind-ish around me, these past few days leaving little energy left to write out a blog that actually makes sense haha.

But soon! I hope y’all are all doing well :)