How could we forget?

Taking a break from “brain blogging” to share some thoughts on my mind today.

All day on various social networks I have seen “never forget” shared repeatedly.

I appreciate the gesture, but I find myself questioning: How could we ever forget?  It’s nearly impossible.

I still remember sitting in my 8th grade social studies classroom when our teacher turned on the news and I heard “twin towers” but I had no clue what it meant.

I just remember feeling confused and all of the adults were in a panic because they understood more than we did.

I remember when I heard about the Pentagon and I instantly felt sick because at the time, my grandmother was working at the Pentagon.  I tried frantically to get a hold of her after I got home (early) from school, and thankfully I got to hear her voice on the other end of the line.  She hadn’t went into work that morning.  Thank God.  She has been one of the most incredible influences in my life, and I don’t know what I would do without her, seriously.  She’s an amazing woman and I am glad to call her mine.

I remember having to defend one of my absolute best friends of all time, because she is half Lebanese and experienced some backlash due to her background.  It broke my heart for people to be mean to her, her brother, and their dad, because they personally didn’t do it.  It’s just mean and I completely know what it’s like to be profiled because of your racial background.  It’s not cool.

I remember going to church that night and having a night of prayer.

I remember the distinct feeling that nothing would ever be the same again, and it hasn’t been.

It was so broken, yet so beautiful.  I don’t know why it always takes catastrophes for people to unite with one another, support one another, love one another.  That makes me sad.  I wish everyone could just get along like we did that day, like we did for weeks afterward, like we do on this day every year as we all remember.

That’s all I have for tonight, just wanted to share some thoughts on my mind.

As always, keep the faith, keep the fight!

Fight On!!

The entries stopped after February 9, except for February 12 and 13th, which you can read here (February 12) and here (February 13), so I will just tell y’all what I vaguely remember, and when I actually started forming “real” memories that are concrete to me.

I remember:

• Bits and pieces of my ICU stay from the first 9 days.  What I do remember is very fuzzy to me, though and doesn’t seem like reality.  It seems like a dream or someone else’s life.  I remember posting a status on Facebook on (I believe) February 10, and I got really upset because I’m a perfectionist and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it.  I think I posted the same status twice haha.  I know I talked on the phone to my grandma (who is an incredible woman and support for me) because I posted a status about how she told me I’m “love personified,” and it made me cry.  I know I did these things,  but the memories don’t seem real at all.  I remember very hazily seeing one of my good friends, his mom, and friend at my bedside, but it doesn’t seem real.  I thought I was dreaming.  However, sometime during the ICU portion of my stay, I kept asking about “the book Matthew brought me” because I knew he brought me a book and I remember him talking to me.  It just seems like a dream.  He’s such a good guy and friend.  Matthew, if you’re reading this, I love you so much and thank you!!!

• The horrible sleep-wake cycle.  I know, I know, the doctors have to do this to check for your neurological status, I get it.  However, when you feel like you’ve been run over by a Mack truck (or ten), all you want to do is sleep.  Nobody (in the situation I was in/as a patient) cares about the year, president, time on the clock, if you can squeeze with each hand, move your legs, and whether or not your pupils respond to the light in that (way too bright) flashlight.  It was SO annoying to be woken up every hour on the hour, you never got adequate rest and that just contributed to how crappy you felt.  It took me a good 6 months after coming home before I was able to sleep like a “normal” person again.  It’s exhausting and now when I wake up in the middle of the night, it just brings all that frustration back to me because I’m so tired and it reminds me of ICU and I don’t want to think about that.  I know it has to be done, but trust me, it is not fun when you feel like a brain injured patient feels.

• Memories are a little more clear after the 10th and I know I posted more statuses and tried to catch up with everything on my Facebook.  It was flooded with support, statuses, messages, pictures, anything you could ever dream that people would say about you when something like that happens.  I had to scroll, scroll some more, and scroll some more just to see where it all began.  Sometimes I still go back in my timeline just to see it all again.  It’s like a dream to me (well, kind of like a nightmare if you choose to see it that way haha) and I am still overwhelmed at how much people reached out to me and to my family.  Thank you all, so much!!! It means more than I can even write or say to you.  Thank you.

• My speech therapist because she challenged me.  I remember acing the tests she had to give me, so she came back the next day with a harder test and was very impressed at how well I did, considering the extent of my injury and how soon after surgery I was assessed.  So, kids, pay attention in school!!!  You don’t know when you might need to use something. I think beginning to read at a very early age (3 haha) and taking advanced English classes/challenging myself in school paid off.  She also did my swallow studies and I remember having to put powder in my drinks to thicken them because I wasn’t able to swallow properly, yet.  I drank a lot of thick apple juice.  It was kind of like a watered down slushy. :)

• Getting sassy with this guy right here:

One of my favorite nurses, Abdul!!! He was so awesome, even if he pushed me to help myself, when all I wanted to do was sleep! That’s what I needed, not what I wanted haha. :) We took this December 2012 after my follow up with my neurosurgeon and we were right outside of “my” ICU room!

Well, well, well… Just how did my family know that I was slowly getting back to me and not this drug filled, fall over at any moment young lady because of a combination of brain trauma exhausting me and copious amounts of heavy drugs running through my veins?  Because, this guy pushed me to order food one morning (once my swallow studies were all good and I could eat solids again) and I told him I wasn’t hungry and just wanted to sleep.  He had already taken my NG (nasogastric) tube out and told me that if I didn’t order food he’d “have to put the NG tube back in.”  I snappily told him “No, you’re really not.”  He said “I will if you don’t eat, you have to eat.”  I said “Fine! Whatever! Just order me some pancakes or something!!!”  I was soooooo irritated with him hahahahah.  I laugh about it now, and we laughed about it the day we got to take this picture together, but that’s me.  If I don’t want to do something, don’t try to force me to do it because I will meet you with resistance.  I am stubborn and I was also tired, confused, and wondering what was really going on.  Memories were more clear at this point, but I was still under a lot of drugs (seriously, how many different meds can you put into someone in a 24 hour period?! It’s appalling!!  When I look at the list of daily medications I took in my 10 ICU days, I’m just shocked) and probably very irritable from a lack of understanding.

Anyway, he is an incredible nurse, and one I distinctly remember.  He told my survivor friend (who was his co-worker and the one who had the same rupture/surgery/neurosurgeon as me) there’s no way I remembered him.  I had to go back to ICU in December during my last follow up just to see him!!! It was so awesome. :)  I loved that day, and I wrote about it here if you want to read about it. :)  That fiery side of my spirit coming out was a sure sign to my family that I was going to be okay, that I was still me, even if I was buried under heavy drugs and trauma.

• Having severe neck and back pain and literally crying because of it.  I didn’t cry because of the 33 staples in my head or the incision, but I remember one day in particular where my neck and back hurt so badly, that I Just broke down crying.

The incision. I don’t know what to say about this, but I think that’s my dad standing behind me trying to keep my head up so my mom could snap a picture of it. You can see most of it, and the staples. There were more down the side of my head, though. Craziness!

It was probably a combination of feelings that hit and overwhelmed me at once, but I was just over it this day.  The right side of my brain was mostly affected, it’s the emotional side of the brain.  To say that I felt (and still do feel, always did feel even pre-rupture) emotions very deeply is an understatement.  I am a very sensitive, but not very emotionally expressive person.  For me to just break down into tears like that kind of freaked me out, not gonna lie.  Another awesome nurse, Gil (who I really wish I could find somehow to thank him for being so awesome!!) tried comforting me by rubbing my neck and my back while I just cried.  It was sad in a way. :(   He was awesome, though, and I do remember him (and Kim) too!!! I even remember a conversation with him about Twisted Root hahaha.  Don’t ask, my memories are weird.

• My transcranial doppler and the tech, Sarah, who did it for me.  It was either really late at night or really early in the morning, because it was pitch black outside.  My neck and head had been hurting so badly, that I told her “I love it when you do this because it feels like a massage.”  She was very kind and patient with me.

• Nimodipine  (Nimotop)!!!  Giant, horse pills that I had to take everyday to prevent vasospasms.  Vasospams can occur after SAH (subarachnoid hemorrhage–bleeding into the space around the brain and skull) and further complicate your life.  Vasospasm is a sudden constriction of a vessel which reduces blood flow.  Definitely not good!!!

• PICC line in my left arm.  I had to sleep with my arms behind my head rather often, like this, to keep from sleeping on my side.

Abdul told me “Robin, don’t sleep on your left side or else you could pull out that PICC line and you could bleed to death.”  Well, that’s reassuring!!! Hahah. Needless to say, I did NOT sleep on my left side.   All of those machines, wires, lines.  Get off of me!  It was so annoying sometimes.  Abdul is also the one who pushed me to go on walks around ICU once I was no longer a fall risk (yellow gown=fall risk) and I did not ever want to go.  I just don’t think anyone understands the level of exhaustion.  It is SO exhausting to have to do anything when your brain is traumatized like that.  It’s shocked and your body just follows suit.  Once he finally got me to get over my stubborn ways, I agreed to a walk.  However, I did not want to drag the pole around with me that had me hooked up to an IV.  Hahaha.  Always trying to do my own thing.  I ended up taking the pole with me.

 

• Falling asleep mid-sentence while talking with my older brother.  Hahahaha.  Literally just fell over to sleep, in my bed, right in the middle of my sentence.  Give me a break, a nurse had just given me Dilaudid (STRONG pain medicine–and I’m rather petite anyway) through my PICC line so it went straight to my system.  I remember talking to him and then nothing. The next day he woke me up and said “Sis you were just talking to me and you just stopped talking and went straight to sleep.  Whatever they give you, that stuff is strong.”  We were laughing so much about that.  It’s still funny to me!

 

• February 13, Michael (Matthew’s brother) came to see me and my family.  He brought AMAZING barbecue (hey, I’m a Texan and my food restrictions were lifted) to ICU for all of us, and this my first “real” memory.  I can’t tell you the specific dates that all of the above happened (except for what’s in my timeline on Facebook where I posted about it) but I can tell you about this day (and every day after) just like it was yesterday.  I don’t know what made my mind start registering memories after this, but I’m glad my “first real memory” is something pleasant.  Michael was on my left side, my older brother was in Texas from Ohio (and he had been, I just didn’t really remember or know it) and was on my right side.  My mom was in the room, and I just remember a basketball game being on TV.  I remember eating the best food ever and asking permission to drink a Dr Pepper.  Hey, that’s a true Texan for ya!!  It was the best food and such a good time.  It may have been cold outside (I know it snowed the day before), but I felt really warm inside my heart.  So grateful for you, Michael, and I will seriously never forget what you did for me.  Thank you, I love you!

 

• February 14, I was woken up right around 6 AM by “some kid” who is actually a resident doctor (he looks really youthful, seriously) and he removed my staples.  I asked him if it was going to hurt and he told me no.  I told him “okay, well you can do it, but if it hurts I’m not going to be happy with you.” Hahaha. Who do I think I am?  He took them out very quickly (didn’t hurt, just stung) and I asked him “Did you get them all?  Are you sure?”  because by this time (8 days post operation) my hair had already started growing back in and the stitches were the same color as my hair (and probably about the same length too) so I just wanted to make sure he didn’t miss any.  He reassured me that he got them all and I was content with that. :)  One of my best friends and someone I consider a sister to me came to see me.  She brought me a book I had been looking for (but couldn’t find) right before any of this ever transpired, and a stuffed dog that I still sleep with today. :)  Megan is an incredible friend and extremely loyal.  That girl was by my side nearly every single day except two, I think, of the 12 that I was admitted into the hospital.  Mind y’all that the distance between where Megan lives, the campus of TCU in Fort Worth, and the hospital in Dallas isn’t exactly a cakewalk.  DFW is jam packed with people and traffic, everyday!  I remember conversing with her, laughing about her stories, and being encouraged by her.  Megan, thank you so much for everything, and I love you dearly!!!

 

• February 15, I was finally moved upstairs and out of ICU.  I was still in the hospital, but had more independence and I was able to have all of the flowers that people had sent to me or brought to me.  Megan had them all at her house for me and brought them back up to the hospital for me. :)  Thank you, love!!  I had another “moment” where I became very emotional about not being able to take a shower.  I’m extremely independent, and all I wanted was to take a shower.  In ICU they had told me once I moved upstairs, I could take a shower since my staples/stitches were out. I would just have to be careful and could only wash my hair with baby shampoo.  Once I got upstairs, I was so ready for that shower (my muscles were tense, I was sore, I was tired, I was feeling disgusting and dirty because I hadn’t taken a shower/bath since the night my aneurysm ruptured–which was on February 4th!!!) that when the nurse told me she’d have to get approval from the doctor the next morning, I started bawling.  Don’t take my hope from me. :(  I know it wasn’t her fault at all, but I was just extremely upset.  Remember, I was still trying to understand what happened, what would happen, the emotional side of my brain was affected, and I was still on a ton of drugs.  I think breakdowns might be normal.  I’m just surprised I would cry like that over something so “simple” as a shower.  But experiences like this will teach you that the simple things are what matter most.  If a girl wants to take a shower, let her take a shower!! Haha.  I eventually got over myself, got in the bed, put the “massager things” on my legs, and just decided to do some more research and chat with friends.  This is the first night I stayed alone (without a family member with me) and I remember watching a movie.  Parts of it, anyway.  I fell asleep!!

They’re actually called sequential compression devices, or lymphodema pumps, and they help prevent DVT–deep vein thrombosis–when you’ve been in the bed for DAYS… Which I had been, at this point. I loved these things and somehow they made me feel better! Take what you can get :)

• February 16– I had the most glorious, wonderful, cleansing, perfect shower of my life.  Ever!!!  Finally!  My mom had to help me, and stay with me just to be sure everything was okay.  She helped me wash my hair and incision and I was just glad to finally take a shower.  Bed baths are alright, but they don’t compare to an actual bath or shower.  This was my first time being submerged in water since February 4, and it was glorious. :)  I remember being exhausted, yes… Overwhelmingly tired after a 15 minute shower, I got dressed and slept for the rest of the afternoon.  The energy that these brain traumas drain out of you is unreal, for real.  It’s inexplicable, but it’s like trying to run on a battery that is consistently low.  That’s the only way I can think to describe it, and I really hope you don’t ever have to experience it.I remember having an awesome nurse and respiratory tech, too.  The nurse reminded me of an old co-worker from the days when I worked in the E.R. as a patient representative.  The respiratory tech had a very unique name and I won’t forget him, either.  They took excellent care of me and they were amusing.  It was nice to have them there if I needed them (had to do breathing treatments, both because I’m an asthmatic and because I had been intubated and had a ventilator breathing for me in those earlier days!) but to also have my own independence.  Hahaha, this is the same night that the nurse set my bed alarm and I set it off!!!  It was in the middle of the night and I had to use the restroom.  I forgot that she told me she she the bed alarm and for me to call her if I needed anything.  I took my “massager things” off, and went to put one foot on the floor.  Next thing I know, there is all of this commotion going on because I set off my alarm!  I called the nurses station and explained to them what had happened, and someone came to turn it off and sit in my room to make sure I could get to the restroom and back safely.  They just have to watch you to make sure you’re stable enough.  I was okay, and I told her I would be okay by myself, but I understand the necessary precautions.  I think I watched a movie on this night.  I was also alone for the second night, and it was nice to just be by myself.  I am an introvert, after all. :)

 

• February 17- Finally!!!  After 12 long days in the hospital, away from home and any sense of normality (which I still haven’t recovered, by the way), I am going hooooome!!!!  I woke up alone and soon got in touch with my mom to let her know that I was going to have discharge orders brought up to me soon.  A doctor and a nurse came in to talk with me and see if I had any questions, and I felt secure because they were attentive and explained things to me in a way I could comprehend.  I ate breakfast, and got into some comfy clothes for the ride home.  My last nurse removed my PICC line and I had the funniest reaction to it!  I said “Oh my gosh!! I didn’t know it was a hole!!! Is this thing going to close up?!”  She reassured me that it would, and I could remove the bandage/shower the next day.  It did close up, I just have a small scar where it was.  Reminds me to keep pushing when I see it. :)  She explained my discharge instructions to me and was very clear on the Acetaminophen (Tylenol) products, only. No NSAIDs (Ibuprofen-Motrin, Naproxen-Aleve, Aspirin, etc.) Do not exceed 3,000 MG in a 24 hour period so you won’t damage your liver.  I still stick to that today.  I rarely ever take any NSAIDs even though it’s been OK’d now, and I’m still very strict about how much Tylenol I take.  Not trying to cause anymore damage to my body.

I feel like I should apologize to my liver and kidneys anyway, for all the hard work I put them through last year with so much medicine in those 12 days.  Haha.  I treat them well, though!  Minimum medication, I just tough it out or find a way to ease my mind with relaxation techniques.  Only medicate if I have to do so.  My hair had grown back in some, but it was still long in the back and my incision was still swollen.  They rolled the wheelchair up to get me, I insisted on walking, they won that battle, and I finally got to go outside and see daylight outside for the first time since I came home the evening of February 4, 2012.  The car ride home was surreal.  It felt like I was in another world, even though it was the real world.  I felt a little dizzy/disoriented and tired, but it was great to see the city again and not be in between 4 walls.

I turned around to look at Marcus who was taking pictures of me with my phone. This was February 17th, and Kristen was behind me preparing to remove my PICC line.  That’s the stuffed dog Megan bought for me/brought to me on Valentine’s Day when I was still in ICU!  Face was still swollen.

I was reviewing the paperwork, and signing to acknowledge that I had received and understood my discharge instructions. Almost time to go home!!  You can see how swollen my incision still was.

What a journey.  That’s my story, and it’s only the beginning of this journey.  It has been 19 months today since the day I was admitted to the hospital, and it still seems like a dream or that I was living someone else’s life instead of my own.  12 days in a hospital, a lot of love, a lot of faith, a lot of fight.  Incredible neurosurgeon(s), amazing nurses and skilled therapists/techs.

My amazing God used every single one of those people as instruments to assist in saving my life, but I still firmly believe that if it had been my time to go Home, nothing any of them could have done would have been enough to save me.  My God is an awesome God and I am forever grateful for all of the blessings He has provided to me. 

 

My journey has not been easy, but I have a bright outlook on life and I know for certain now that life is way too short to spend in perpetual misery.  I refuse to do so, but it’s a choice I have to make every. single. day.

That’s all for now, I’ll start getting into other issues “for us” in my next post!!  Just wanted to finish up my own journey, first.  All of the entries that were recorded in my journal are on the site and you can read them here: February 14, February 15, February 16, and February 17. :)  You’re welcome to read those if you’d like.  I’m an introvert (I know it doesn’t seem that way) but I am willing and able to speak about my own journey, and I believe it makes a difference.  I think it’s part of what I should do with this journey, and even though I might not talk much in person, I don’t mind writing about it.  It helps me and I am constantly receiving feedback of how it has helped others.  That gives me purpose to the pain.

Keep the faith, keep the fight!!
Goodnight, world!

To The Happy Couple!

If y’all are wondering where I’ve been, I’ll tell you that I have been extremely busy with one of my best friend’s weddings. :)  She and her husband had their wedding August 17, and I was the maid of honor.  :)  I just wanted to write a little something for the two of them, so here we go.

August 17 marked exactly 18 months since the day I came home from the hospital, last year and it’s also when my new life began all on my own, outside of the confines of hospital walls with skilled neurosurgeons, nurses, therapists and staff there to keep me safe.  This girl literally held my hand, and she was the first person to speak up to a neurosurgeon in Dallas about the headache I had while they were trying to determine the cause of my brain bleed.  She told him “she’s had a headache for 3 days” and that’s when he said “oh, that changes everything.” The necessary steps were taken, next, to find the aneurysm that was slowly (but rapidly) taking my life away from me.

I know that Rachel and I have been best friends for the past 13-14 years,  but you don’t ever think of your best friend having to say or do something that could literally save your life.  You don’t look at your best friend and think “gee, someday he/she may be holding my hand while I’m in a medically induced coma because my brain is bleeding, and swelling, and I’m slowly dying.”  You don’t think that, but that’s what happened.

Aww! This is Rachel holding and kissing my hand before anyone really understood what exactly was going to happen. She’s been such a faithful and good friend throughout all of this! She was even being respectful that I may not want pictures of my face shown, so she posted one that shows love but isn’t too telling, either!

Rachel,

Thank you so much for dropping everything to be at my side on that cold February night.  I have zero recollection of that event (or any events for a good 9 days), but I have photographic proof that you were right there by my side.  Thank you for your prayers, your friendship, and being the first person to visit me when I came home on February 17, 2012. :)  I love you!  I know I wasn’t feeling awesome, I didn’t even really seem like “me,” but you stuck by me through all of that, and I appreciate it.  Thanks for all of the good times, the laughter, and as things slowly got “back to normal,” we just kind of picked up where we left off.

I’ll miss times like these:

Hahaha dancing in your old apartment. I believe we were listening to “Whip My Hair” :)

The “must have” Sunday nap after church!!  Also, this was one of our first “normal” days after I came home last year. :)

Hahahahahaha. There probably are no words to describe what was really happening here. Typical of us to be cracking up at something, and it was probably really dumb. Something only we would find hilarious. :) :)

Girls day out!!! :) Ya know, just showing our rockstar sides in mama’s bathroom!  I think this was in 2008!

Waaaay back in your UTD days! Lunch with you, Laura, and mama!

NeedToBreathe with you and mama in Dallas!  My first live concert (and I got to see Seth Bolt hahaha) since this “new life” began. :)  I loved all of it!

Thanksgiving 2011 with you, Amanda and family. Just mere months before everything changed.  P.S., You and I are both really short. Hahaha.

Thanksgiving 2012 with you, Marcus, Amanda and family/friends!

The night that you, Ali and I went to dinner and a movie. I love girls nights with y’all. :)

Just one of those random shots we always captured. Crazy hair and lovin’ it!

Panama Cityyy!!! Spring break 2011. Best. Trip. Ever! Hahaha I loved it, and I loved that you, Amanda and I went and didn’t even get reckless, but we had a great time anyway!

Spring break 2011! Just getting ready in the hotel room, hanging out and having fun :)

Sarah got married 23 months (exactly) before you, and you two have been my closest friends since I was 12. I love you both, dearly, and I’m glad that we got to have this picture during Spring break!

Before Caleb made his way into the Army. :)

I think this was the first day of 2011, I know it was New Year’s day and at first I told you I didn’t like this picture because it wasn’t cute. Hahaha then I looked again and decided otherwise. :)

So many memories, and these are a very small portion of the pictures we have taken over the years.  That’s okay, though, can’t put them all on here.  That would probably take a year or so.  Moving onward… While I will always miss and cherish those times,

I am glad I got to be a part of times like these:

One of my favorite pictures of you and Marcus (so far) and one of the first times I actually “saw” the love you two share. :) I love it!

Hahahaha. Watching you two together is such an experience, even when Marcus puts you up on the refrigerator for a “time out.” Keep that playful love alive throughout the years, and always remember to laugh!

Love this one!! The day we went to pick Caleb up after his deployment. You two are so silly, it’s amusing to watch. :)

Your first bridal shower. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and I am so glad I got to be there, by your side, doing my MOH duties. I love you girls!!

I was in charge of the food and drinks for the lingerie shower/bachelorette party. I think it turned out pretty well!  We just kind of did an appetizers thing, because we all went out to dinner (mmm, steak) and didn’t want to eat too much beforehand.  Vegetables and ranch dip, fruit and fruit dip that I made, “better than sex” cupcakes, and a sparkling pink punch made of frozen lemonade, sparkling white grape juice, and club soda!

Just one of my contributions to Rachel’s lingerie shower/bachelorette party.
Better than sex cupcakes that took for-ev-er to make, but they were well worth it!!  They are very rich and you should probably only eat one, but I’m pretty sure we all had two or three hahah.

^This is the recipe for those devilish delicious cupcakes: http://centercutcook.com/better-than-sex-cupcakes/
You’re welcome, and I’m sorry in advance for any weight you may gain. :)  Also, thank you and shout out to my ultra talented sister, Kayla, for making the homemade icing from scratch.  That made the cupcakes even better!

Oh, Bella dog! If I am at that house, this girl is somewhere near me. I was just trying to enjoy my snacks and she refused to leave me. Haha!

Headed out to dinner on the night of the shower/party :)

All of that was fun (and delicious), but it doesn’t compare to being able to stand next to your best friend on her wedding day, when, had anything gone differently 18 months and 12 days earlier, you may not have been present at all.

I was thrilled to be present for memories like these:

The night of the rehearsal, after the dinner. The bridal party all met up at a hotel for some friendly competition (Battle of the Sexes board game) and we had to pose for a silly picture before saying goodnight. :) I love it!

But nothing compares to being alive to be a part of memories like these:

The colors were Tiffany Blue and a true red. They were beautiful. :) I chose a one shouldered dress and kept my jewelry simple because of the bow on the shoulder. :)  Just hanging out in the bridal room before the ceremony began!

The three of us bridesmaids!! We all chose different dresses, but kept the same color. I actually love how it all came together. We all wore red shoes, though. :) Whitney is in the center, and Amanda is on the right!

Me and Amanda! :)

The groom’s sister, Shatera, is the one who took this shot. I love it! Mr. and Mrs. Anderson as they exited the church building after the ceremony :) I think this is my favorite picture from a guest’s point of view, so far!

I believe Laura captured this shot. The bride and groom had their first dance. So sweet :)

After being serenaded by Ben (the brother of the bride), I can honestly say I will never hear this song the same, ever again hahaha.

I really, really, really wish the videographer could have recorded my reaction.  Amanda, Whitney and I were standing on the side of the dance floor cracking up at Ben’s serenade.  It was priceless.

Now, to get serious, I have a few things to “say” to you, Rachel and Marcus.  I could have said all of this during my toast at the reception, but y’all should know that I’m really not going to stand up in front of all of those people and say this much.  Haha it’s easier through writing. :)

First of all, always remember to love one another from a standpoint of selflessness, because that’s what love really is.  Love is not an emotion, it’s a choice, and it’s a choice that each of you will have to make everyday, whether you “feel like it” or not.  I love you both.  Remember this, and practice it daily in your interactions with each other:

A cup I saw in a coffee shop the morning after the wedding when I was running some errands with the bride’s mama!  God loves us graciously, and if we are to love as He loves, we are to love one another using grace, as well.  Practice it everyday!

Marcus, if you really ever have to apologize to her, you could always just buy her one of these!

The Rolex the mother of the bride was wearing on the wedding day!

Hahahaha, I’m kidding.

Seriously, though, just like I said in my toast, “you passed the test.”  I have liked you since the afternoon we sat down together in Starbucks to have the “what are your intentions” talk.  I liked your gentleness, but bold sense of honesty.  You have a calm presence, but one that also means business.  I like that about you.  I like that you see beneath the surface, and that you have a strong spirit.  I love that you are both silly, but deeply loving and caring.  I think that you make a great match for my best friend, and I can’t wait to watch your love with her progress over the years.

Thank you for including me in the fun of engagement planning, ring shopping, and making me keep that secret from her.  I loved it!!  Thank you for the times you’ve reached out to me, offered an encouraging word, and have just been real with me.  I appreciate that more than I can even write or say.  But most of all, Marcus,  Thank you for being a real man in today’s world of imitations and lowered standards.  It shows, you know.

To  you both, Apologizing in sincerity, though is something that will serve you two well.  Say it with words, show it through action and do the work it takes to make your marriage last.  I believe you both want to have that “happily ever after,” but it takes effort.  Give it all you’ve got.  Love each other well, and respect each other as well.  :)

Also, do your marriage with a party of three, in the shape of a triangle.  God is at the top, and you two are at the bottom corners.  The closer you two get to Him, individually, the closer the two of you become to one another.  Remember that the purpose of marriage is to glorify God and is to be a picture of how Christ loves the Church.  :)  Show each other love and respect, and safeguard your marriage by working through your issues together. Remember that it’s okay to seek help when/if you need an objective opinion, and always pray through everything.

I love you both, I’m glad that I was able to take part in your special day, and I wish you (and pray for) both many years of happiness and fun, even through the difficulties.  Keep your eyes on Him.  I know we are separated by hours and miles, but we can visit one another and still maintain a solid friendship.  That’s what I’m here for, ya know! :)  I know that although I could choose to see it as I’m “losing” Rachel, I am actually gaining an incredible friend and brother in Marcus.  :)

I wanted to wait to post this until after y’all came back from your honeymoon, and I hope Costa Rica was full of rest and adventure.  I know we were all resting most of this week.  Weddings take a lot out of you, but it was well worth it!  Once again, I love you both!!!

-Robin
(Robinella or MoRo) :)

Celebrating life!

Alison Beck, my friend and wonderful photographer, was able to do a few more edits and post a blog entry about me, today.  Here are just a couple that she shared on Facebook, and I want to share here.

Yesterday was so full of authentic laughter (we seriously laugh SO much when we’re together and just “vibe” well together), friendship, and life.  I loved it. :)

 

Seriously laughing. This was in an abandoned gas station and as she was shooting the picture, we noticed another photographer shooting her, while she was shooting me. It was so funny!

Hahahaha. I cannot honestly tell you why I was laughing, but I’m sure it was something very funny. Probably one of the many cars who slowed to a crawl to see what we were up to, or something. Who knows? :)

Thank you, Alison for your incredible talent, friendship, and love.  I appreciate your presence in my life and I just think you’re awesome.  Seriously!  Y’all go check out her blog here: http://www.alisonbeckphotography.com/blog/ because she’s wonderful!

P.S., Paul, if you’re somewhere out there and happen to read this entry, Alison told me to think about your reaction to my hair “Hey! Is that the girl with the afro?!?!” to get some of the laughter shots.  It definitely worked. :)

“Best. Tuesday. Ever!”

This past Tuesday I had my follow up with my  neurosurgeon in Dallas.  My mom, sister and I went to Dallas around 11:30 and got there just in time (a couple of minutes late, actually) for what turned out to be my last neurosurgeon appointment for 10 years!!! Aghhh!! Haha it’s really hard to put into words how I feel, exactly.  Of course I’m grateful that I’m recovering so well, and I’m thrilled that I have come out of this with very minor deficits given what could have been.  But I can’t lie, I also have been left with many questions.

For instance, “what?” is a question I still ask and will probably ask for years to come, as I find out more and more about what really happened to me.  I asked Dr. White to see the aneurysm, and he pulled up some images from the computer.  He said it was really tiny and I wouldn’t be able to see it.  It was kind of cool, though, to see the vessels in my brain.  I asked him “So there was nothing else in my brain? I mean, the matter that should be there is there, right?” Hahaha we both laughed and he said “Yes, you definitely have a brain.”  That’s nice to know, considering how completely common sense-less I can be, sometimes.  I’m one of those “I don’t understand this because it’s simple to understand, but if it’s complicated I’ll grasp it and break it down right away” types of people.  Anyway, he told me that my aneurysm was tiny… As in 2 mm tiny!  To give y’all some perspective, the thickness of a dime is 1.35 mm thick, so this aneurysm was less than the thickness of two dimes stacked together.  What?  So how did something so small cause so much damage?  He said that had the aneurysm been found before the rupture, and had he been my surgeon pre-rupture, they wouldn’t have even operated on it. I would have been one of the “watch and wait” cases, as an aneurysm that small would have a 1-2% chance overall of even rupturing to begin with.  What?  So then why did it rupture?  Answer is, nobody knows!!!  It’s so crazy, y’all!  I don’t even know what to think of it, honestly.  The rupture rates for an aneurysm my size are less than 0.05% per year… So that means I could have lived with this little thing for many, many, many years with no rupture and no problems.  So why?  Why did it rupture?  Why did it land me with a grade 4-5 rupture subarachnoid hemorrhage on the Hunt and Hess scale?  Why did something so ridiculously small cause such damage? Why? Why? Why?  What?  Is this really my life?  That’s seriously how I feel everyday.  I just can’t believe that this is my reality.  I wonder if these types of feelings are common of survivors of strokes (subarachnoid hemorrhage is a type of stroke, called a hemorrhagic stroke), ruptured brain aneurysms, other life threatening conditions?  Especially for me to be so young and not meet hardly any of the statistics for an aneurysm or rupture.  Like… What?  Haha.  Is this for real?  It just seems like a dream sometimes, like I’m going to wake up and someone’s going to say “Hey, just kidding, you just got punk’d!!!”  Except I definitely would not laugh at all. It’s been a long year, my friends.

 

Anyway, Dr. White also informed me that the chances of this ever happening to me again are near 0% which is a blessing.  At the time of my angiogram, there were no other aneurysms.  The only things I have to do are watch my stress levels, make sure that I’m taking good care of myself, aka EATING and resting when I need to, watch my blood pressure, and basically just make sure I’m living a healthy, clean lifestyle.  Sounds easy enough.  I don’t drink and when I did, I didn’t drink much anyway, so that’s not an issue.  I have asthma, so I definitely don’t smoke, and I think they put something back together the wrong way (haha, JK) because I hardly ever crave the junk food I always wanted pre-surgery!  It’s really weird hahah.  I could honestly eat vegetables, fruit, and grilled chicken everyday, easy.  I love water, green tea, any kind of tea, actually, and rarely ever drink coffee or soda anymore.  I am at a higher risk of future strokes because of this one, and I think I can deal with that, as long as I am taking good care of myself, I should be alright.  I just turned 25 almost two weeks ago, Sunday, and I’ve got a long life to live.  I can easily see myself becoming that gym rat, health junkie next year!  It won’t just be a new year’s resolution, either.  No, no, no… Surviving something as catastrophic as I have this year calls for an entire lifestyle change.  No problem.  I want nothing more than to take care of myself so that I can share my story with others, and share just how awesome God is for the work He’s doing/has done in my life this year!!  :)  Dr. White then told me that I didn’t need to make an appointment to see him again for 5-10 years, but that if anything changes at all (more intense/uncontrollable headaches, seizures, TIA or any other kind of stroke…) to call him to get an appointment as soon as possible.  Next time I see him, I’ll have a CTA done (which you can read about by clicking the CTA and scroll almost to the end of that page) just to make sure everything is okay with the clipped aneurysm, and detect anything else that may be abnormal.  I’m pretty excited that I don’t have to have all kinds of angiograms done.  I have absolutely no memory of my angiogram pre-surgery, nor do I want to remember, but I’ve heard that they are not the most pleasant experience.  It’s all just really crazy, what these little “bubbles” can do, and all that you have to do after experiencing one rupture, if you survive it.  I’m so thankful to be alive, though.  I also got a little identification card that I keep in my wallet, now that explains the clips I have in my head and gives instructions to anyone who might order an MRI for me.  It’s pretty neat, but I’d much rather have a photograph in its place haha.  But whatever, you never know haha… It’s a good thing to have my little card.  I haven’t even looked up the images of the clips, either.

 

I’m not entirely ready to face this reality, which is why I’m handling this recovery in bits and pieces.  It’s also why I haven’t ordered my medical records, yet.  That’ll be a huge deal for me, and I don’t know if I have the emotional strength right now to read through it all, and get “memories” of what I don’t remember.  I’ve faced my mortality, obviously, but I don’t know that I’m ready to face it in its detail, too. That’s a bit too graphic for me, right now.  Dr. White suggested just forgetting it ever happened.  Haha, I wish I was the type to be able to gloss over something like this.  However, that is not a possibility in the slightest.  First, it was a major, major, major spiritual wakeup call and now that I’m right with God, I’m definitely not going back!  Second, I’ve learned so much about my life, about the lives of people intertwined into mine, about the lives of survivors of other brain injuries… I can’t just “forget” about it, even if I am doing wonderfully well.  It helps to laugh, though.

 

Anyway, what made this day another best day ever was the fact that my brain buddy, T, met up with me!  Remember, she is the lady who was in the room next to me in ICU who had her rupture on the same day, then had the clipping craniotomy the same day, by the same neurosurgeon as me!  Once again, a “why, what, really?” moment!  Like… What are the odds of that, seriously?  What are the odds that each of our mother’s would lose the contact information they exchanged, but then T would find me through a website and then find my blog, and we’d reconnect?  Haven’t figured out the significance of this, yet, but my dad has repeatedly said it, and I believe “there’s something special there.”  It’s just too odd.  I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences, anyway.  Everything is a God thing!  He is seriously always up to something and we often don’t see it until we’re far removed from the situation, or He decides to reveal it to us in His perfect timing.  I honestly don’t know, and my little mind can’t even come up with enough possibilities that might remotely make any of this make sense.  Perhaps, though, that’s His lesson in this for me.  Besides make it right with and live for Him, to just let Him work as He works, and to just trust that He has it under control.  I’ve already grasped the concept that control is an illusion to make us feel safe.  When you think that God is the only One truly in control, you are insignificant in the matter.  He chooses what happens and what does not happen, period.  So what are you in control of, again?  Besides yourself.  You always have self control.  Some people just don’t have very developed senses of self control.  Haha that isn’t me, though. Disciplined should be my middle name. :)

 

Anyway!  T, her mom, her aunt, my mom, my sister, and I all spent the day in Dallas.  First we had to make a stop by ICU to visit Abdul, one of my favorite (but least liked at the time–haha) nurses!  I was so happy to see him!  Gave lots of hugs and lots of smiles, that’s for sure.  We got some pictures, too! I also met up with a couple of other nurses I vaguely remember.  I know Dr. White said I don’t have to see him again for 5-10 years unless I need to, but I will have to make a trip to see the nurses every once in a while.  I adore them.  It’s kind of strange, but sometimes (and especially when I first came home) I miss them!  We got close in those 10 days I was in ICU.  I even made buddies with my friends on the 5th floor when I moved up there for my last day and a half admitted in the hospital.  Haha.  I remember their names, too.  I wish that Gil and Kim had been at work while I was visiting.  But I guess I will just have to make a little trip back down there to visit.  :)  I’m glad that T and they were co workers so that she can play messenger for me, and who knows?  Maybe we could all get together for dinner in Dallas, one night?  It’d be an adventure.  Patients/survivors and the nurses who helped them survive.  What a special bond.  I know that if I were a nurse, I’d love seeing my patients (especially if I were an ICU nurse–as a lot of those patients don’t ever leave the hospital alive) doing well and coming back just to say hey.  It was a great time at the hospital. :)  I would post the pictures here, but I’m not entirely sure how comfortable they’d feel about that, so I’ll refrain for now.  Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful visit with beautiful people.  Even the lady in the gift shop remembered me and was happy to see me doing so well.  Such an awesome day, and I thank God for sweet memories such as these.

 

But then the best part happened!  Haha we had to go eat at Babe’s Chicken.  Wow, it was delicious!  If you’re in the DFW area and haven’t eaten at Babe’s, shame on you!!  I will drive 2 1/2 hours just to eat at Babe’s again!  Hahaha.  We ladies had a great time.

 

Ladies outside of Babe’s!

We took that before going inside to eat.  T’s mom took the picture, and her aunt was about to meet up with us for dinner.  From L-R is my mom, me, T, and my sister, Kayla. :)  Lots of good times!  We had shopped around a bit in that area (Carrollton) while we were waiting for the restaurant to re-open for dinner.  Cutest little area and shops down there.  I loved it. :)  Dinner was so delicious, seriously.  Amazing chicken and fixin’s. Aka mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, biscuits.  And some of the best sweet tea you’ve ever had!! Sorry, Chicken Express and Taco Casa, Babe’s might have ya beat!!  After dinner, we were hugging off our goodbyes when my mom reminded me of “the picture” which just so happens to be a canvas painting I did for T with “our” verse on it!  Since she first found me, she has shared Romans 1:12 with me and it has become our staple, I guess you could say.  The foundation of our friendship and this experience, for sure. :)  I painted a burgundy ribbon (brain aneurysm awareness ribbon color!) that my sister outlined in gold, Romans 1:12 up in right hand corner, and the verse underneath the ribbon in black with gold accents.  I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but I did not! Haha.  That’s okay, though.  T really loved it and I’m glad that she gave me some inspiration (the verse) for me to paint!  I had fun making it, and I know I would have loved it had she done that for me. :)  We have a unique friendship, haha sisterhood as we refer to each other as “sister-friend” and I call her “sis.”  :)  I love it, a lot!  It’s neat that we can bond over something so detrimental and come out with a good support system through it all.  I’ve learned this year, more than ever, that support matters.  A lot.  For anyone going through anything tough in life, you’ve got to have that support!  You’ve got to keep God at the center of your life, and you’ve got to use the supports He gives you on these journeys in life.  That’s what friends and family are for.  Seriously.

 

So, my friends, I’ve had a pretty awesome week, and I’m so happy to have pictures with the people who were instruments in saving my life, I was thrilled to be able to thank them for their work, dedication, and effort.  I was able to thank them for helping me to see my 25th birthday, and I was able to see T and her sweet family, as well as enjoy time with my own.  Beautiful, beautiful day!  I worked unexpectedly (but thankfully) yesterday, so I didn’t get to spend the day resting up like I had intended, but that’s okay. I also went to a Christmas party/dinner at Chili’s with my table group from church.  That was fun.  I’m very quiet compared to those girls, but I like them all.  They make me laugh!  Stacie got my gift of nail polish and I got a Starbucks (which I needed because that place is expensive haha) gift card. :)  Today I laid around for a long time until my best, Rachel, called and asked me to have lunch with her.  She and I had lunch then went around town looking at possible wedding venues.  Someone’s getting marrieeeeedddd!!!! :)  Not me!  Yet, anyway!  Haha first I need a groom… Hahahah.  But my sweet best friend will be saying “I do” next November, more than likely. :)  We are trying to get some possibilities together for that.  It takes a lot to plan a wedding, and the ceremony is the result people see, but there is a lot of planning that goes on behind the scenes.  Me being me, I like to have details in cement to assure  that everything is going to plan and will work out.  Gotta start ASAP.  Now I’m home in my fuzzy socks, I’ve drank a mug of hot apple cider with cinnamon, I’m listening to Marvin Gaye on Pandora, and I’ve clearly typed out a rather long blog with lots of information for y’all.  Hahah.  It’s almost at 3,000 words!  Why is this not an essay for school?  Hmm… That’s another blog, though.  I definitely want to look into getting back into school to finish a degree I started, maybe next fall?  I don’t want to “waste” any life.

 

Alas, I’m grateful, I feel comfortable, and I feel like even if my life isn’t going any way I would have ever planned, it is going the way that it needs to go.  I trust that God has this in control, and He just wants me to be a good steward of the life He’s given me.  It’s gotten better, and it will continue to get better.  I have hope, always.  I’ll always be the optimistic person who finds that flicker of light even in the darkest of nights.  That’s just who I am.  :)  I hope that all of y’all readers are doing well, and remaining blessed wherever you are!  Remember, tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!  Live easy, love hard, and keep the faith, keep the fight.  Blessings to you. :)

Reflections.

I have been writing for years.  I’ve always loved words, languages, and the kinds of emotions you can convey with the written and/or spoken word.  Seriously, I love it!  Haha.  I was looking through my notes via Facebook a week or so ago when I couldn’t sleep, and I stumbled across some of my favorite “freestyle” writing adventures.  I really did use to just sit with the laptop open, staring at a blank screen until all kinds of thoughts would just start flowing.  Sometimes I would have a pen in hand hovering over a blank sheet of paper, then later put something together.  Just because.  I was kind of (and sometimes still can be) a night owl before I ever got sick, and that led to a lot of extremely late nights where I’d just be thinking, and write whatever came to mind.  I’m going to share some of them here with y’all, and maybe you’ll “get something” from them.  These are the ones that just so happen to be a few of my favorites.  :)

01. Emoticon.  Written July 29, 2010 

“If my emotions took the form of tangibility, maybe then you’d be able to comprehend me.

Ever changing like the cultures and scenery.

Maybe they’d roll into waves, with the force of a hurricane.

Or maybe they’d twist and turn like a tornado.

Perhaps they’d glide in like a warm summer rain,

or fade out like the sunset peering through trees.

Foggy, misty, gray, complete.

Building pressure like a volcano, just waiting to erupt.

Traumatic, potent, ablaze, lethal.

The tender kiss of a sunrise on a cold winter day.

Gentle heat of the sunshine reflecting off of a pool.

Blissful, enlightened, whole.

I’d have them come up to you, greet you, shake your hand.

Look you in the eye, tell you we’re not that different, and they understand.

I’d have them speak loud and clear, where everyone could hear.

Let you know that even though in distance, we are far apart in souls we reside very near.

If only, if only.”

Part. Written November 17, 2010 

“Sparks.

Here we go again.

Watch me ignite.

You.

You light me up from the inside.

Like the wick that rises from a candle to spread light.

So does your love, from the depths of my soul.

Out through the glimmer in my eyes, the shine of my smile.

Yet I keep it all contained.

Afraid if I let it show all its colors they may fade to gray.

We’ll never disappear, you’ll never turn away.

Quiet and deep.

Strong and pure.

Whole and even.

Subtle and understood.

Together we rest in the knowledge that we share.

Knowing that this is not forever guaranteed.

But forever cherished.”

Drifting. Written July 20, 2010

“So here I lay again.

Alone with my thoughts.

Thinking, wondering, questioning.

Pause. Stop. Repeat.

Not sure what I’m searching for,

Who it is I want to see.

Where I’m going.

If you’re where I want to be.

Fire and ice.

They exist inside of me, equally.

Taking turns switching burns.

Constant contrast.

Dark against light.

All wrong versus all right.

Different day, same night.”

C is for Courage. Written January 4, 2011.

“To that one person who seems to get to the very core of your being

despite your best efforts to keep him banned.

Attempts to escape are so futile, because the universe has a way of working things out…

Quite often in a concealing way, made apparent in hindsight.

Yeah. This one is for him.

Allow me to say

Thank you for being my catalyst.

Catalyst. That’s the most appropriate word to use.

For you, yourself, seem to show no signs of great change.

While I, myself, seem to roll along continuously, shedding skin.

True.  You sent my world straight into flames.

(Spreading like wildfire, unable to be contained)

Ignited something within my soul that I had never felt before.

Something for which I had no preparation, but all of the tools at hand to assist in this movement.

Do or die.

False.  You broke me.

(Into many fragments, jagged)

Shattered something within my soul that I had endlessly tried to deny.

Something which served only as a barrier to revealing the truest pieces of my existence, incessantly preventing growth.

Suffer yet survive.

I would tell you, but there are no words that can begin to illustrate the beauty

of realizing the power that so often lies latent within each of us.

I’d love to tell you, but…

There are no words that can begin to illuminate the freedom, and passion evoked

when you embrace the parts of yourself that you’ve so willingly gifted to others… But have disowned from oneself.

Instead, I’ll show you.

Open your eyes. Watch me fly.”

So, sometimes I really do miss just writing so randomly like that and seeing what I could come up with.  I’d always hesitate in posting the notes, much like I hesitate blogging some of my thoughts, for fear they won’t make sense.  However, I’ve received a lot of feedback, and they’re not as difficult to decipher as I think. :)  I  may have to take it up again, now that life has thrown me a unique set of challenges, and see where I can go, this time.  Who knows?  I’ll surprise y’all. :)

Be blessed!