“How do you spell aneurysm?”

Was just one of the many questions I asked during my stay in ICU at UT Southwestern in Dallas, Texas.

Being the ever curious person that I am, once I got my phone back, I began to research incessantly on this aneurysm.  I wanted to know what it was, what it did to me, how it invaded my brain, I wanted all of the answers.  I was on my phone as often as I could be, and it was educational, but also detrimental to my recovery.  I’ll explain, but let me pick up where I left off, first…

February 2012 (continued):

Sunday, the 5th (very early AM)- Instead of spending my Superbowl Sunday amongst family and friends, having a good time, I was in a local emergency room, told that my brain was bleeding, and then being prepared to be flown via Air Evac (second time in my 25 years) helicopter to another hospital.  I don’t have a memory (at all) of any of this, but my mom, sister and friends that were present told me that I was conscious and communicating, cooperative.  They said that I was strong, but I was also told that I was in severe pain.  Feel free to go into my archives and read the events of this day as told to me through a journal my mom and sister kept for me, I’m just condensing it here.  I really can’t imagine what I must have been thinking or feeling, and that is something I’ve had to work through.  Not having a memory, but knowing something happened to you is such an odd experience.  I just don’t know anything, and it is so weird.  I know that I was almost misdiagnosed with the flu (it was in the Winter months and flu season) and I thank God for having an assertive mother who spoke up, telling the staff “Robin hasn’t been sick in years, and she never gets seriously sick.  Something more than ‘the flu’ is wrong with my daughter.”  That’s when they ordered the CT scan that found the brain bleed.  I’m pretty sure that everyone’s world stopped.  My sister actually works in the ER, and she was at work this night.  I can’t imagine what she must have felt seeing me sick like that.  The constant vomiting and then dry heaving was causing my blood pressure to raise which was, in turn, allowing more blood to leak into my subarachnoid space and furthering the bleed!  Eventually, they just had to sedate me and intubate me before flying me out.  I wish I had a memory of the flight.  Then again, I don’t want to know.  We landed at UT Southwestern (and my family/best friend drove to Dallas) early in the morning, and they admitted me to ICU.  They did a ventriculostomy on the right side of my skull to drain off some of the blood and CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) causing more pressure/damage.  One of my best friends, the one I wrote about here, tried to walk into the ICU room as they were placing the “brain drain” (what we called the ventric haha) and she was stopped and told it had to be a sterile field.  I can’t imagine what she thought watching them drill into my skull trying to save my life.  It’s surreal to me.  That’s unbelievable, actually.  Like some weird science fiction novel.  Ugh!  Anyway, some neurosurgeons got to talking to my family once they got the ventric placed and were allowed in the room,about what could have caused my brain bleed (did I hit it hard enough to cause this bleed when I passed out and had a seizure?  Did I have an AVM?  What’s going on?) and that same best friend is the one who told my admitting surgeon “Oh, Robin’s had a headache for 4 days.”  He told her “that changes everything” and scheduled an angiogram for the next morning.  For then, I just needed to be rested.  Nothing to raise my blood pressure, they kept the room ICE cold, and basically I couldn’t do anything but rest.

Lesson: Besides not liking professional football, now I really have a “thing” against the Superbowl.  Brings back painful memories in my mind. :( Haha. Boooo!!  But I am a Texan and I am thrilled for college football! :)  Gig ‘Em! ;) Haha.   If you know someone well and you know that their illness is more serious than what a doctor may think, do not ever hesitate to speak up. Besides being born at 24 weeks, I had never been “seriously” ill in my life.  This was a big deal and I’m very grateful for “my” people speaking up in my defense when I couldn’t do so for myself.  Demand further testing and answers when you just know that something isn’t right.  It could save someone’s life.  If you’re the one feeling ill, GO TO THE DOCTOR!  Haha for real, just go.  But it also doesn’t hurt to let someone know when you’re feeling really “off.”  You could help save your own life and not even know it.

Monday, the 6th-  Okay, I know everyone hates Mondays, but do not complain to me about “having a Monday.”  Having a Monday is having emergency brain surgery to save your life! Haha.  They performed the angiogram that morning and found the aneurysm.  They were able to formulate a plan, and decided the best option for my treatment was a craniotomy. Open brain surgery.  Ohhh.  Wow.  Once again, I can’t tell you what I thought or felt, because I don’t have any memories!  But I do know that I was being my typical self, ALWAYS asking questions, even though I couldn’t talk because of being intubated!  It’s a wonder to me that I was even conscious, much less functioning enough to “demand” answers from the anesthesiologist before I would go off to surgery!  How did I communicate?  Well, with sign language (we are both fluent in American Sign Language) with my sister, and writing notes in my journal!  I kept “saying” “these tubes hurt” (talking about the intubation) and “what’s going on?” “what surgery?”  I even wrote a note to the anesthesiologist asking him “how will this all work? I haven’t had surgery since I was premature.” Only I would do that.  Another funny thing is that when my pastor and family/a few friends gathered around me to pray, I motioned to the anesthesiologist to “come here” and kept waving my hand to get him to lean down to me.  When he did, I grabbed his name badge, read it, and shook my head yes in what I’m assuming was consent for him to proceed haha.  As if he needed my consent to wheel me to the OR.  My family was cracking up because that was so “me” to want to have some kind of control and understanding of the situation.  Even when your brain undergoes severe trauma, I guess you can still be “you.”  It’s a soul thing, I guess. :)

Easily, without a doubt, the most “telling” thing of this entire ordeal is the note that I wrote to my mom, though.  It still moves me to tears (and it will be 19 months this week) because of the power of it.  My mom had asked me if I was scared and I wrote to her “I’m not God is with me.”

I think it’s Rachel who’s holding this and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery.
In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something she probably said. I know she asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.”
Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!!  Also, please excuse my handwriting. It’s not normally so messy, but my brain was bleeding haha.  Ro is my nickname, by the way!

All of the prayers going up for me (around the world, I later learned) were definitely felt and immensely encouraging.  To all of you, thank you so much.  It made a major impact.  Thank you.  Okay!  After this, it was time to go to the OR.  My family was told that my operation would take about 4 hours to complete. They all accepted that, and I’m guessing they were probably just ready to “get the show on the road.” However, there were some issues.  For “some reason” (and this reason is now a dear friend of mine–hey if you’re reading!!) my surgery kept getting pushed back! It was supposed to be early in the morning, then late morning, then it got moved to early afternoon.  Turns out that they had complications with another patient’s surgery who went before me.  We have the same neurosurgeon.  Our “brains exploded” on the same day.  Our ICU rooms were one room away from the other.  What in the world?  I don’t believe in coincidences.  This person and I connected last year and I am so glad for it!  We have a special friendship.  I always joke that I made our neurosurgeon’s day because my surgery was smooth sailing.  Haha.  We laugh about it now, but it definitely was not funny then.  Anyway, I’m in the O.R., the surgeon gets the access needed, and clips my aneurysm with (I believe) 2-3 clips.  Remember how it was supposed to take 4 hours?  Yeah, it took my surgeon 1 hour and 45 minutes!  You can read all about surgery day here, but I just can’t imagine what my family was thinking when they saw him come out of that OR and approach them with a simple (and you have to know him, because he is SO calm) “we’re all done.”
Apparently, my aneurysm was “superficial” (no, not like that, it was definitely real) meaning that it was on the surface of my brain and not buried deep within.  I consider this to be a blessing (as well as the location where it was) because the deeper it is, the more brain tissue they have to mess with to get to it, and it presents a higher risk of injury to the brain that’s already damaged.  Also, my aneurysm was on the right side, behind my ear, in my temporal lobe.  I learned later after reading some reports, it’s on my right Sylvian Fissure.  Don’t know what that means, but I know that’s where it is.  Had it been on the left side, same area, I could’ve lost my communication skills.  I could have not had the ability to understand words or communicate them properly.  Obviously, I like to write.  That would have been extra tragic to me, to lose that ability.  There is always a silver lining in the clouds.  At least, that’s how I choose to see it.

Lesson: Nobody seriously gets on Twitter before emergency brain surgery and makes sure to tell their followers “sick and going to surgery love yall.”  No one except you, that is!!!  Put the phone down, silly girl. Don’t be your sassy self and act like it’s your “right” to give the anesthesiologist your “permission” to do his job.  Hahahahaha.  Also, know that God is with you wherever you go and stand strong in Him.  You fight your way through, like you always do and you lean on faith in times of uncertainty.  That’s how your life has always been, and look how far you’ve come.   It’s a blessing and a miracle. :)

Tuesday & Wednesday the 7-8th- I don’t know the details of anything of the 7th, but I’m assuming I was probably just resting after surgery.  I bet that was probably difficult to do with 33 staples in a swollen incision in my newly (partially) shaved head!!!  You can read about these days here (for the 7th) and here (for the 8th).  The only thing I can think of as significant is that my tubes came out (I was extubated) on the 8th and I also think that’s the day they gave me back my phone! Haha.  Y’all know I needed that  phone sooo bad so I could continue my own research while in ICU, duh!!! :)  Typical Ro.

Lesson: You seriously don’t have to know everything about everything.  My appetite for knowledge is insatiable and it has served me well, but it has also caused me some harm in this journey.  It’s okay to want to know, but you also have to trust your doctors because they’re the ones who deal/have dealt with this everyday.  On the flip side, no one knows your body like you do, so if something is “off,” keep pressing for answers.  Be your own advocate for your health and don’t let any doctor try to sway you when you know something is actually wrong.  You’re not a hypochondriac (some people are, but if something just isn’t right and you know it, chase it) and just because they went to medical school and have some fancy letters after their name doesn’t mean they know everything, either.  Speak up!!

This is all I feel like writing for tonight.  This entry is already over 2,000 words long haha.  That, and I’m just kind of tired of typing!  I have still had a barometric pressure headache on and off today, I need to take my Keppra for tonight, and I want to continue reading a book I bought. :)  I’ll pick up in my next entry!  Hope y’all are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!  I love seeing international hits on this blog!  Hey to all of my overseas readers.  Y’all should know that it makes me smile HUGE to see hits from the UK and Australia.  Spain. Ireland. Canada.  All of these other places!!!  I feel like I’m playing my small part in spreading the word, and if it can save another life, that’s awesome news to me.  It also reminds me to do what I can, with what I can, while I can, where I am.  I have been in this “waiting season” of life the past nearly 19 months, and it has been torturous to me in a way because I am so used to being all go, go, go!  I feel so… Idle and I hate it!  But y’all remind me that I am playing a part, and I guess playing a part doesn’t always have to be something major or something that requires full body movement.  Thanks!!

Keep the faith, keep the fight!!!

Goodnight!! :)

“Best. Tuesday. Ever!”

This past Tuesday I had my follow up with my  neurosurgeon in Dallas.  My mom, sister and I went to Dallas around 11:30 and got there just in time (a couple of minutes late, actually) for what turned out to be my last neurosurgeon appointment for 10 years!!! Aghhh!! Haha it’s really hard to put into words how I feel, exactly.  Of course I’m grateful that I’m recovering so well, and I’m thrilled that I have come out of this with very minor deficits given what could have been.  But I can’t lie, I also have been left with many questions.

For instance, “what?” is a question I still ask and will probably ask for years to come, as I find out more and more about what really happened to me.  I asked Dr. White to see the aneurysm, and he pulled up some images from the computer.  He said it was really tiny and I wouldn’t be able to see it.  It was kind of cool, though, to see the vessels in my brain.  I asked him “So there was nothing else in my brain? I mean, the matter that should be there is there, right?” Hahaha we both laughed and he said “Yes, you definitely have a brain.”  That’s nice to know, considering how completely common sense-less I can be, sometimes.  I’m one of those “I don’t understand this because it’s simple to understand, but if it’s complicated I’ll grasp it and break it down right away” types of people.  Anyway, he told me that my aneurysm was tiny… As in 2 mm tiny!  To give y’all some perspective, the thickness of a dime is 1.35 mm thick, so this aneurysm was less than the thickness of two dimes stacked together.  What?  So how did something so small cause so much damage?  He said that had the aneurysm been found before the rupture, and had he been my surgeon pre-rupture, they wouldn’t have even operated on it. I would have been one of the “watch and wait” cases, as an aneurysm that small would have a 1-2% chance overall of even rupturing to begin with.  What?  So then why did it rupture?  Answer is, nobody knows!!!  It’s so crazy, y’all!  I don’t even know what to think of it, honestly.  The rupture rates for an aneurysm my size are less than 0.05% per year… So that means I could have lived with this little thing for many, many, many years with no rupture and no problems.  So why?  Why did it rupture?  Why did it land me with a grade 4-5 rupture subarachnoid hemorrhage on the Hunt and Hess scale?  Why did something so ridiculously small cause such damage? Why? Why? Why?  What?  Is this really my life?  That’s seriously how I feel everyday.  I just can’t believe that this is my reality.  I wonder if these types of feelings are common of survivors of strokes (subarachnoid hemorrhage is a type of stroke, called a hemorrhagic stroke), ruptured brain aneurysms, other life threatening conditions?  Especially for me to be so young and not meet hardly any of the statistics for an aneurysm or rupture.  Like… What?  Haha.  Is this for real?  It just seems like a dream sometimes, like I’m going to wake up and someone’s going to say “Hey, just kidding, you just got punk’d!!!”  Except I definitely would not laugh at all. It’s been a long year, my friends.

 

Anyway, Dr. White also informed me that the chances of this ever happening to me again are near 0% which is a blessing.  At the time of my angiogram, there were no other aneurysms.  The only things I have to do are watch my stress levels, make sure that I’m taking good care of myself, aka EATING and resting when I need to, watch my blood pressure, and basically just make sure I’m living a healthy, clean lifestyle.  Sounds easy enough.  I don’t drink and when I did, I didn’t drink much anyway, so that’s not an issue.  I have asthma, so I definitely don’t smoke, and I think they put something back together the wrong way (haha, JK) because I hardly ever crave the junk food I always wanted pre-surgery!  It’s really weird hahah.  I could honestly eat vegetables, fruit, and grilled chicken everyday, easy.  I love water, green tea, any kind of tea, actually, and rarely ever drink coffee or soda anymore.  I am at a higher risk of future strokes because of this one, and I think I can deal with that, as long as I am taking good care of myself, I should be alright.  I just turned 25 almost two weeks ago, Sunday, and I’ve got a long life to live.  I can easily see myself becoming that gym rat, health junkie next year!  It won’t just be a new year’s resolution, either.  No, no, no… Surviving something as catastrophic as I have this year calls for an entire lifestyle change.  No problem.  I want nothing more than to take care of myself so that I can share my story with others, and share just how awesome God is for the work He’s doing/has done in my life this year!!  :)  Dr. White then told me that I didn’t need to make an appointment to see him again for 5-10 years, but that if anything changes at all (more intense/uncontrollable headaches, seizures, TIA or any other kind of stroke…) to call him to get an appointment as soon as possible.  Next time I see him, I’ll have a CTA done (which you can read about by clicking the CTA and scroll almost to the end of that page) just to make sure everything is okay with the clipped aneurysm, and detect anything else that may be abnormal.  I’m pretty excited that I don’t have to have all kinds of angiograms done.  I have absolutely no memory of my angiogram pre-surgery, nor do I want to remember, but I’ve heard that they are not the most pleasant experience.  It’s all just really crazy, what these little “bubbles” can do, and all that you have to do after experiencing one rupture, if you survive it.  I’m so thankful to be alive, though.  I also got a little identification card that I keep in my wallet, now that explains the clips I have in my head and gives instructions to anyone who might order an MRI for me.  It’s pretty neat, but I’d much rather have a photograph in its place haha.  But whatever, you never know haha… It’s a good thing to have my little card.  I haven’t even looked up the images of the clips, either.

 

I’m not entirely ready to face this reality, which is why I’m handling this recovery in bits and pieces.  It’s also why I haven’t ordered my medical records, yet.  That’ll be a huge deal for me, and I don’t know if I have the emotional strength right now to read through it all, and get “memories” of what I don’t remember.  I’ve faced my mortality, obviously, but I don’t know that I’m ready to face it in its detail, too. That’s a bit too graphic for me, right now.  Dr. White suggested just forgetting it ever happened.  Haha, I wish I was the type to be able to gloss over something like this.  However, that is not a possibility in the slightest.  First, it was a major, major, major spiritual wakeup call and now that I’m right with God, I’m definitely not going back!  Second, I’ve learned so much about my life, about the lives of people intertwined into mine, about the lives of survivors of other brain injuries… I can’t just “forget” about it, even if I am doing wonderfully well.  It helps to laugh, though.

 

Anyway, what made this day another best day ever was the fact that my brain buddy, T, met up with me!  Remember, she is the lady who was in the room next to me in ICU who had her rupture on the same day, then had the clipping craniotomy the same day, by the same neurosurgeon as me!  Once again, a “why, what, really?” moment!  Like… What are the odds of that, seriously?  What are the odds that each of our mother’s would lose the contact information they exchanged, but then T would find me through a website and then find my blog, and we’d reconnect?  Haven’t figured out the significance of this, yet, but my dad has repeatedly said it, and I believe “there’s something special there.”  It’s just too odd.  I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences, anyway.  Everything is a God thing!  He is seriously always up to something and we often don’t see it until we’re far removed from the situation, or He decides to reveal it to us in His perfect timing.  I honestly don’t know, and my little mind can’t even come up with enough possibilities that might remotely make any of this make sense.  Perhaps, though, that’s His lesson in this for me.  Besides make it right with and live for Him, to just let Him work as He works, and to just trust that He has it under control.  I’ve already grasped the concept that control is an illusion to make us feel safe.  When you think that God is the only One truly in control, you are insignificant in the matter.  He chooses what happens and what does not happen, period.  So what are you in control of, again?  Besides yourself.  You always have self control.  Some people just don’t have very developed senses of self control.  Haha that isn’t me, though. Disciplined should be my middle name. :)

 

Anyway!  T, her mom, her aunt, my mom, my sister, and I all spent the day in Dallas.  First we had to make a stop by ICU to visit Abdul, one of my favorite (but least liked at the time–haha) nurses!  I was so happy to see him!  Gave lots of hugs and lots of smiles, that’s for sure.  We got some pictures, too! I also met up with a couple of other nurses I vaguely remember.  I know Dr. White said I don’t have to see him again for 5-10 years unless I need to, but I will have to make a trip to see the nurses every once in a while.  I adore them.  It’s kind of strange, but sometimes (and especially when I first came home) I miss them!  We got close in those 10 days I was in ICU.  I even made buddies with my friends on the 5th floor when I moved up there for my last day and a half admitted in the hospital.  Haha.  I remember their names, too.  I wish that Gil and Kim had been at work while I was visiting.  But I guess I will just have to make a little trip back down there to visit.  :)  I’m glad that T and they were co workers so that she can play messenger for me, and who knows?  Maybe we could all get together for dinner in Dallas, one night?  It’d be an adventure.  Patients/survivors and the nurses who helped them survive.  What a special bond.  I know that if I were a nurse, I’d love seeing my patients (especially if I were an ICU nurse–as a lot of those patients don’t ever leave the hospital alive) doing well and coming back just to say hey.  It was a great time at the hospital. :)  I would post the pictures here, but I’m not entirely sure how comfortable they’d feel about that, so I’ll refrain for now.  Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful visit with beautiful people.  Even the lady in the gift shop remembered me and was happy to see me doing so well.  Such an awesome day, and I thank God for sweet memories such as these.

 

But then the best part happened!  Haha we had to go eat at Babe’s Chicken.  Wow, it was delicious!  If you’re in the DFW area and haven’t eaten at Babe’s, shame on you!!  I will drive 2 1/2 hours just to eat at Babe’s again!  Hahaha.  We ladies had a great time.

 

Ladies outside of Babe’s!

We took that before going inside to eat.  T’s mom took the picture, and her aunt was about to meet up with us for dinner.  From L-R is my mom, me, T, and my sister, Kayla. :)  Lots of good times!  We had shopped around a bit in that area (Carrollton) while we were waiting for the restaurant to re-open for dinner.  Cutest little area and shops down there.  I loved it. :)  Dinner was so delicious, seriously.  Amazing chicken and fixin’s. Aka mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, biscuits.  And some of the best sweet tea you’ve ever had!! Sorry, Chicken Express and Taco Casa, Babe’s might have ya beat!!  After dinner, we were hugging off our goodbyes when my mom reminded me of “the picture” which just so happens to be a canvas painting I did for T with “our” verse on it!  Since she first found me, she has shared Romans 1:12 with me and it has become our staple, I guess you could say.  The foundation of our friendship and this experience, for sure. :)  I painted a burgundy ribbon (brain aneurysm awareness ribbon color!) that my sister outlined in gold, Romans 1:12 up in right hand corner, and the verse underneath the ribbon in black with gold accents.  I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but I did not! Haha.  That’s okay, though.  T really loved it and I’m glad that she gave me some inspiration (the verse) for me to paint!  I had fun making it, and I know I would have loved it had she done that for me. :)  We have a unique friendship, haha sisterhood as we refer to each other as “sister-friend” and I call her “sis.”  :)  I love it, a lot!  It’s neat that we can bond over something so detrimental and come out with a good support system through it all.  I’ve learned this year, more than ever, that support matters.  A lot.  For anyone going through anything tough in life, you’ve got to have that support!  You’ve got to keep God at the center of your life, and you’ve got to use the supports He gives you on these journeys in life.  That’s what friends and family are for.  Seriously.

 

So, my friends, I’ve had a pretty awesome week, and I’m so happy to have pictures with the people who were instruments in saving my life, I was thrilled to be able to thank them for their work, dedication, and effort.  I was able to thank them for helping me to see my 25th birthday, and I was able to see T and her sweet family, as well as enjoy time with my own.  Beautiful, beautiful day!  I worked unexpectedly (but thankfully) yesterday, so I didn’t get to spend the day resting up like I had intended, but that’s okay. I also went to a Christmas party/dinner at Chili’s with my table group from church.  That was fun.  I’m very quiet compared to those girls, but I like them all.  They make me laugh!  Stacie got my gift of nail polish and I got a Starbucks (which I needed because that place is expensive haha) gift card. :)  Today I laid around for a long time until my best, Rachel, called and asked me to have lunch with her.  She and I had lunch then went around town looking at possible wedding venues.  Someone’s getting marrieeeeedddd!!!! :)  Not me!  Yet, anyway!  Haha first I need a groom… Hahahah.  But my sweet best friend will be saying “I do” next November, more than likely. :)  We are trying to get some possibilities together for that.  It takes a lot to plan a wedding, and the ceremony is the result people see, but there is a lot of planning that goes on behind the scenes.  Me being me, I like to have details in cement to assure  that everything is going to plan and will work out.  Gotta start ASAP.  Now I’m home in my fuzzy socks, I’ve drank a mug of hot apple cider with cinnamon, I’m listening to Marvin Gaye on Pandora, and I’ve clearly typed out a rather long blog with lots of information for y’all.  Hahah.  It’s almost at 3,000 words!  Why is this not an essay for school?  Hmm… That’s another blog, though.  I definitely want to look into getting back into school to finish a degree I started, maybe next fall?  I don’t want to “waste” any life.

 

Alas, I’m grateful, I feel comfortable, and I feel like even if my life isn’t going any way I would have ever planned, it is going the way that it needs to go.  I trust that God has this in control, and He just wants me to be a good steward of the life He’s given me.  It’s gotten better, and it will continue to get better.  I have hope, always.  I’ll always be the optimistic person who finds that flicker of light even in the darkest of nights.  That’s just who I am.  :)  I hope that all of y’all readers are doing well, and remaining blessed wherever you are!  Remember, tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today!  Live easy, love hard, and keep the faith, keep the fight.  Blessings to you. :)

Ramblings of an inquisitive mind…

Fact: I question everything.  Really, everything.  I don’t know why I’m this way, or if I was always this way, or what… But I just question everything.

Simply put, I want knowledge for the sake of being knowledgeable.  I don’t want to know everything so that I can one-up the next person, be condescending, or anything that would imply I’m superior.  I want to know everything (or at least as much as I possibly can about what interests me–which seems like everything) just so that I can know it.  I have no particular reasoning for it, at all.

It makes me laugh, but sometimes my mind is just racing so much that I can’t turn it off and I can’t stop asking questions!  Luckily, I am able to have a sense of humor about this… But let me tell you, it gets annoying very quickly.  People “like me” are sure to “get it,” when I say “Why don’t we have off switches for our brains?”

I even wonder how my brain is recovering, since I never stop questioning everything!  I know I have moderate encephalomalacia  (cerebral softening) of the right temporal lobe… Aka, brain damage/brain injury.  With a somewhat injured portion of my brain, how is it that I even have the energy to think?  Perhaps my neurosurgeon could run a scan of my brain and somehow judge if the neurons are firing as they should, even if there is a damaged portion?

Haha the question is, why do I care?  Really… Why?  I don’t even have an answer, except that I’m forever curious and will forever be a student, if only at heart.  Traditional education is nice, but I don’t think it necessarily prepares you much for what life will throw at you. I mean, I could’ve taken a class in “how to prepare for a catastrophic illness” and studied well, and I assure you I would have not been prepared in any way for what occurred late the night of February 4.  You just don’t know something unless you live it out.  Plain and simple!

 
About my ruptured brain aneurysm, I have the following questions:

For real?
That really happened to me?
Why me, and not one of my siblings?  Of course, I don’t wish this on anyone… But why am I the 1 out of 4?
Why me, when I didn’t even exhibit any of the risk factors for a stroke?
Is a subarachnoid hemorrhage a type of stroke?  Hemorrhagic stroke?
Why can I only remember a few parts of the night of the 4th, even though I was conscious and communicating clearly in the ER?
What is in Dilaudid?  Seriously, that stuff is strong!
What really happened to me?
How can one tiny little aneurysm cause that much damage?
How did this happen when I’m only 24?
How can I prevent another one from happening?
Was mine genetic? My mom’s aunt suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm, and survived.  She also had a cousin experience a ruptured brain aneurysm who did not survive.
For real?
That really happened to me?
I thought if you were young, you were supposed to live forever?  Hello, no one is invincible.  Insert reality check, here.
Why did it take something so disastrous for me to “wake up” about God?  On the other hand, I’m very grateful that I have a real-lationship with God and I love Him. :)
Can one person survive two life threatening medical experiences in 24 years. and still walk away nearly unscathed?  I was born extremely premature.  Micropreemie, weighing in at 1 (yes, ONE) pound and 8 ounces.  3 months and 17 (or 108) days early.
What does God want me to do, here?
Why did He leave me here in(mostly)  “normal” conditions, when many others have suffered a lesser fate?
Why did I get such a cool neurosurgeon?  Shoutout to Dr. Jonathan A. White at UT Southwestern in Dallas, Texas!  He’s seriously so cool.  His demeanor is almost eerily chill haha.  I just don’t understand how someone could have such calm, whose career involves doing something as delicate as brain (or spinal) surgery, knowing even the tiniest mistake literally has the power of completely altering someone’s life.  He’s so laid back… Which explains why I shrugged him off with a slight laugh when he told me on March 6 “When we first got you, we didn’t think we could do anything to save you.”  Lo and behold, he was not kidding.
Do I always have to do things to such extremes?  I couldn’t have been just a week or two early… No, I had to come 14 weeks and 3 days early. Then, I couldn’t have just had a ruptured brain aneurysm… No, I had to walk around with it slowly leaking (sentinel headache) for 3 days before it all out ruptured lending me “a grade 4 or 5, pretty bad” (see Hunt and Hess Scale) ruptured brain aneurysm.
How did I even survive as I have when I was doing everything wrong?  Seriously, y’all… It is not conducive to good health to be taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen, downing Caramel Macchiato’s (thanks, Starbucks), taking Advil Cold and Sinus (hey, pseudoephedrine that raises blood pressure), and drinking 1/2 of a Michelob Ultra all in one day, just thinking it’ll get rid of this “annoying headache” that you’ve had in varying intensities on and off for ohhh, 3 days.  Really… I should have went to the doctor when the headache woke me up on the morning of February 1.  It was the “weirdest” headache I’ve ever had, I haven’t had another like it since, and I hope I never have another one.  It was like… Someone kicked me in the back of my head (where the crown of your head is) and it was very sharp, sudden, and aching.  I should have known this one was different.  Due to my ignorance, I thought I was coming down with some kind of weird cold or something.  Winter’s notorious for that.
What?
For real?

Of course I have many other questions like:
Why is the sky blue, and grass green?  Why can’t the sky be green, and the grass blue?
What are you thinking?
What is it about humans to constantly repeat the same cycle over, and over, and over again? Seriously… The more that I think, the more I realize history truly does repeat itself.  Same theme, different “characters,” different time.
What if God was one of us?
Why on Earth would some people ever name their kids some of the most ridiculous names?
You are kidding, right?
What would constitute an “old soul?”  Just wondering, because I’m constantly told things like “You have wisdom beyond your years.”  Thank you, by the way. :)
Why is music so visceral and universal?
What am I supposed to do with my life?  Really, help me out if y’all have any suggestions!! I’m willing to learn :)
Why do some people think about everything and it seems others don’t think at all?
Why do I love words so much?  Even though I don’t really like to talk that often.
Are we ever going to get past race?  Guess what?  We are all a part of the human race, our ethnicities are what make us “different.”  In reality, though, we are only different in terms of pigmentation because of melanin in the skin. Well, people have different temperaments too, but honestly we share more common ground than many care to realize or truthfully acknowledge.
Why did my browser just shut out?
Who invented the auto save feature on WordPress? Thank you for saving this post!
Who invented the WordPress app for Android? Thank you for allowing me to finish this post from my phone.

Clearly, I wonder about almost everything. More than I’ve even hinted at in this post to be sure. But… As I continue through this maze of life, there is one question that could hold eternal in my mind, and it is this: Is this real life?

Haha! I hope y’all are all doing well, wherever you are in this (United States) country, or in the world. Blessings to you all, and remember tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Make it right today. :)