Love this! Everyday we have a chance to live is another day to write a new page the the story of our lives. What do you want your story to read? Make it happen, because as long as you’re alive and willing, there are great things you can do! Believe and achieve :)
Happy new year as well. :)
The only shot I took was a shot of Nyquil, and I dealt with a Nyquil hangover for most of today. Hahaha!
That’s right, yours truly has managed to catch type A influenza, also known as “the flu.” I should have known something was up when I had to use my inhaler one day last week (I have asthma, but it has been much less severe since my aneurysm rupture/brain surgery–not sure how or if those two are even linked, but I have noticed it) because I felt like I wasn’t breathing as well as I should be. I started getting the sniffles and a tickle in my throat on Saturday night around 8:30 PM. By Sunday morning, I woke up with a fever, lots of coughing and I just knew. Me being me, I wanted to just wait it out and hoped that it might “just” be bronchitis, but that little voice popped in the back of my mind reminding me of hospitalization, so I went to the doctor on Monday morning. Everyone in the waiting room sounded just like me. That same, chest rattling cough, people looked miserable and the room echoed with groans of “can this please just go away?” Not fun. There was also over a 2 hour wait, so I left to avoid anymore germs than what I had already been graced with, and went back when it was closer to time to see my doctor. She ordered a nasal swab and about 20 minutes later called me back into the office to tell me it tested positive for type A flu. Awesome, I’m one of the lucky Texans to have caught it!!!
Not really. But seriously, I caught it before the 48 hour mark, so I was able to start Tamiflu with high hopes for some lessening of symptoms and a shorter duration. That’s gotta be worth something, right? It better be… Tamiflu is outrageously expensive. The flu shot is much cheaper, I’m sure. Haha. This year, I will find the time to go and get a flu shot. 2013 was the first year in several years that I haven’t been offered the shot through my place of employment. I could have just went to the pharmacy and got one, but I never found the time, or I never made the time. I won’t make that choice again! Of course this would all happen just two days before my new insurance became effective. Anyway, I am blessed to have had the funds to buy the Tamiflu and I had a gift card I used to help pay for other flu essentials (Tylenol, Motrin, cough drops, Pedialyte to stay hydrated, all of that “fun” stuff) to help me fight through this. I’m also very thankful that we caught it before anything got worse. With asthma, you don’t want to chance any respiratory infections, because they can go from being something mild to something very severe, very quickly. After 2012 (I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my aneurysm rupture and surgery!), I am all “hospitaled out.” No. Thank. You.
So, I have been spending the week resting, aching in my abdominal area from all of the coughing, sounding hoarse, and getting some laughs in where I can. It’s not so bad, because I definitely need rest after the holiday season in retail. I worked some weird shifts and it’s really just exhausting with so much going on at once… It’s been almost 2 years, and my brain still can’t “hang like it used to” before the rupture and consequent brain injury. It just wears me out, but somehow I go into autopilot and just do it. This is my chance to rest, because it’s a new year, so you better believe I am looking forward! :)
I don’t know what this year holds, but I do know that I am probably stronger now than I have ever been before, and that with my faith and will to fight through, trusting in Him, I will be victorious.
This is my hope. :)
Hope that everyone is doing (and feeling) well wherever you are! I hope you had a good Christmas, and that you have a wonderful new year! I hope to be able to blog more often this year, and I apologize for the long hiatus in my writing. I just have a single track focus, and I needed to get through this season at work, plus some other issues that needed my attention. Everything is sorting out though, and I am thankful for it. :) I’m gonna go back to my cozy spot on the couch, continue watching shows on Netflix, eat some ice cream, then call it a night.
Was just one of the many questions I asked during my stay in ICU at UT Southwestern in Dallas, Texas.
Being the ever curious person that I am, once I got my phone back, I began to research incessantly on this aneurysm. I wanted to know what it was, what it did to me, how it invaded my brain, I wanted all of the answers. I was on my phone as often as I could be, and it was educational, but also detrimental to my recovery. I’ll explain, but let me pick up where I left off, first…
February 2012 (continued):
Sunday, the 5th (very early AM)- Instead of spending my Superbowl Sunday amongst family and friends, having a good time, I was in a local emergency room, told that my brain was bleeding, and then being prepared to be flown via Air Evac (second time in my 25 years) helicopter to another hospital. I don’t have a memory (at all) of any of this, but my mom, sister and friends that were present told me that I was conscious and communicating, cooperative. They said that I was strong, but I was also told that I was in severe pain. Feel free to go into my archives and read the events of this day as told to me through a journal my mom and sister kept for me, I’m just condensing it here. I really can’t imagine what I must have been thinking or feeling, and that is something I’ve had to work through. Not having a memory, but knowing something happened to you is such an odd experience. I just don’t know anything, and it is so weird. I know that I was almost misdiagnosed with the flu (it was in the Winter months and flu season) and I thank God for having an assertive mother who spoke up, telling the staff “Robin hasn’t been sick in years, and she never gets seriously sick. Something more than ‘the flu’ is wrong with my daughter.” That’s when they ordered the CT scan that found the brain bleed. I’m pretty sure that everyone’s world stopped. My sister actually works in the ER, and she was at work this night. I can’t imagine what she must have felt seeing me sick like that. The constant vomiting and then dry heaving was causing my blood pressure to raise which was, in turn, allowing more blood to leak into my subarachnoid space and furthering the bleed! Eventually, they just had to sedate me and intubate me before flying me out. I wish I had a memory of the flight. Then again, I don’t want to know. We landed at UT Southwestern (and my family/best friend drove to Dallas) early in the morning, and they admitted me to ICU. They did a ventriculostomy on the right side of my skull to drain off some of the blood and CSF (cerebrospinal fluid) causing more pressure/damage. One of my best friends, the one I wrote about here, tried to walk into the ICU room as they were placing the “brain drain” (what we called the ventric haha) and she was stopped and told it had to be a sterile field. I can’t imagine what she thought watching them drill into my skull trying to save my life. It’s surreal to me. That’s unbelievable, actually. Like some weird science fiction novel. Ugh! Anyway, some neurosurgeons got to talking to my family once they got the ventric placed and were allowed in the room,about what could have caused my brain bleed (did I hit it hard enough to cause this bleed when I passed out and had a seizure? Did I have an AVM? What’s going on?) and that same best friend is the one who told my admitting surgeon “Oh, Robin’s had a headache for 4 days.” He told her “that changes everything” and scheduled an angiogram for the next morning. For then, I just needed to be rested. Nothing to raise my blood pressure, they kept the room ICE cold, and basically I couldn’t do anything but rest.
Lesson: Besides not liking professional football, now I really have a “thing” against the Superbowl. Brings back painful memories in my mind. :( Haha. Boooo!! But I am a Texan and I am thrilled for college football! :) Gig ‘Em! ;) Haha. If you know someone well and you know that their illness is more serious than what a doctor may think, do not ever hesitate to speak up.Besides being born at 24 weeks, I had never been “seriously” ill in my life. This was a big deal and I’m very grateful for “my” people speaking up in my defense when I couldn’t do so for myself.Demand further testing and answers when you just know that something isn’t right. It could save someone’s life.If you’re the one feeling ill, GO TO THE DOCTOR! Haha for real, just go. But it also doesn’t hurt to let someone know when you’re feeling really “off.” You could help save your own life and not even know it.
Monday, the 6th- Okay, I know everyone hates Mondays, but do not complain to me about “having a Monday.” Having a Monday is having emergency brain surgery to save your life! Haha. They performed the angiogram that morning and found the aneurysm. They were able to formulate a plan, and decided the best option for my treatment was a craniotomy. Open brain surgery. Ohhh. Wow. Once again, I can’t tell you what I thought or felt, because I don’t have any memories! But I do know that I was being my typical self, ALWAYS asking questions, even though I couldn’t talk because of being intubated! It’s a wonder to me that I was even conscious, much less functioning enough to “demand” answers from the anesthesiologist before I would go off to surgery! How did I communicate? Well, with sign language (we are both fluent in American Sign Language) with my sister, and writing notes in my journal! I kept “saying” “these tubes hurt” (talking about the intubation) and “what’s going on?” “what surgery?” I even wrote a note to the anesthesiologist asking him “how will this all work? I haven’t had surgery since I was premature.” Only I would do that. Another funny thing is that when my pastor and family/a few friends gathered around me to pray, I motioned to the anesthesiologist to “come here” and kept waving my hand to get him to lean down to me. When he did, I grabbed his name badge, read it, and shook my head yes in what I’m assuming was consent for him to proceed haha. As if he needed my consent to wheel me to the OR. My family was cracking up because that was so “me” to want to have some kind of control and understanding of the situation. Even when your brain undergoes severe trauma, I guess you can still be “you.” It’s a soul thing, I guess. :)
Easily, without a doubt, the most “telling” thing of this entire ordeal is the note that I wrote to my mom, though. It still moves me to tears (and it will be 19 months this week) because of the power of it. My mom had asked me if I was scared and I wrote to her “I’m not God is with me.”
I think it’s Rachel who’s holding this and took the picture, but this is the “conversation” between my mom and I on the morning of surgery. In case it’s too difficult to read, I wrote (left page) “Are you scared?” and “Wow!” in response to something she probably said. I know she asked me if I was scared and I wrote “I’m not God is with me.” Incredible. I will never get over this, and out of the many journals I have, this one is my favorite!! Also, please excuse my handwriting. It’s not normally so messy, but my brain was bleeding haha. Ro is my nickname, by the way!
All of the prayers going up for me (around the world, I later learned) were definitely felt and immensely encouraging. To all of you, thank you so much. It made a major impact. Thank you. Okay! After this, it was time to go to the OR. My family was told that my operation would take about 4 hours to complete. They all accepted that, and I’m guessing they were probably just ready to “get the show on the road.” However, there were some issues. For “some reason” (and this reason is now a dear friend of mine–hey if you’re reading!!) my surgery kept getting pushed back! It was supposed to be early in the morning, then late morning, then it got moved to early afternoon. Turns out that they had complications with another patient’s surgery who went before me. We have the same neurosurgeon. Our “brains exploded” on the same day. Our ICU rooms were one room away from the other. What in the world? I don’t believe in coincidences. This person and I connected last year and I am so glad for it! We have a special friendship. I always joke that I made our neurosurgeon’s day because my surgery was smooth sailing. Haha. We laugh about it now, but it definitely was not funny then. Anyway, I’m in the O.R., the surgeon gets the access needed, and clips my aneurysm with (I believe) 2-3 clips. Remember how it was supposed to take 4 hours? Yeah, it took my surgeon 1 hour and 45 minutes!You can read all about surgery day here, but I just can’t imagine what my family was thinking when they saw him come out of that OR and approach them with a simple (and you have to know him, because he is SO calm) “we’re all done.”
Apparently, my aneurysm was “superficial” (no, not like that, it was definitely real) meaning that it was on the surface of my brain and not buried deep within. I consider this to be a blessing (as well as the location where it was) because the deeper it is, the more brain tissue they have to mess with to get to it, and it presents a higher risk of injury to the brain that’s already damaged. Also, my aneurysm was on the right side, behind my ear, in my temporal lobe. I learned later after reading some reports, it’s on my right Sylvian Fissure. Don’t know what that means, but I know that’s where it is. Had it been on the left side, same area, I could’ve lost my communication skills. I could have not had the ability to understand words or communicate them properly. Obviously, I like to write. That would have been extra tragic to me, to lose that ability. There is always a silver lining in the clouds. At least, that’s how I choose to see it.
Lesson: Nobody seriously gets on Twitter before emergency brain surgery and makes sure to tell their followers “sick and going to surgery love yall.” No one except you, that is!!! Put the phone down, silly girl. Don’t be your sassy self and act like it’s your “right” to give the anesthesiologist your “permission” to do his job. Hahahahaha. Also, know that God is with you wherever you go and stand strong in Him. You fight your way through, like you always do and you lean on faith in times of uncertainty. That’s how your life has always been, and look how far you’ve come. It’s a blessing and a miracle. :)
Tuesday & Wednesday the 7-8th- I don’t know the details of anything of the 7th, but I’m assuming I was probably just resting after surgery. I bet that was probably difficult to do with 33 staples in a swollen incision in my newly (partially) shaved head!!! You can read about these days here (for the 7th) and here (for the 8th). The only thing I can think of as significant is that my tubes came out (I was extubated) on the 8th and I also think that’s the day they gave me back my phone! Haha. Y’all know I needed that phone sooo bad so I could continue my own research while in ICU, duh!!! :) Typical Ro.
Lesson: You seriously don’t have to know everything about everything. My appetite for knowledge is insatiable and it has served me well, but it has also caused me some harm in this journey. It’s okay to want to know, but you also have to trust your doctors because they’re the ones who deal/have dealt with this everyday. On the flip side, no one knows your body like you do, so if something is “off,” keep pressing for answers. Be your own advocate for your health and don’t let any doctor try to sway you when you know something is actually wrong. You’re not a hypochondriac (some people are, but if something just isn’t right and you know it, chase it) and just because they went to medical school and have some fancy letters after their name doesn’t mean they know everything, either. Speak up!!
This is all I feel like writing for tonight. This entry is already over 2,000 words long haha. That, and I’m just kind of tired of typing! I have still had a barometric pressure headache on and off today, I need to take my Keppra for tonight, and I want to continue reading a book I bought. :) I’ll pick up in my next entry! Hope y’all are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are! I love seeing international hits on this blog! Hey to all of my overseas readers. Y’all should know that it makes me smile HUGE to see hits from the UK and Australia. Spain. Ireland. Canada. All of these other places!!! I feel like I’m playing my small part in spreading the word, and if it can save another life, that’s awesome news to me. It also reminds me to do what I can, with what I can, while I can, where I am. I have been in this “waiting season” of life the past nearly 19 months, and it has been torturous to me in a way because I am so used to being all go, go, go! I feel so… Idle and I hate it! But y’all remind me that I am playing a part, and I guess playing a part doesn’t always have to be something major or something that requires full body movement. Thanks!!
Faith, by fire. 