This past Tuesday I had my follow up with my neurosurgeon in Dallas. My mom, sister and I went to Dallas around 11:30 and got there just in time (a couple of minutes late, actually) for what turned out to be my last neurosurgeon appointment for 10 years!!! Aghhh!! Haha it’s really hard to put into words how I feel, exactly. Of course I’m grateful that I’m recovering so well, and I’m thrilled that I have come out of this with very minor deficits given what could have been. But I can’t lie, I also have been left with many questions.
For instance, “what?” is a question I still ask and will probably ask for years to come, as I find out more and more about what really happened to me. I asked Dr. White to see the aneurysm, and he pulled up some images from the computer. He said it was really tiny and I wouldn’t be able to see it. It was kind of cool, though, to see the vessels in my brain. I asked him “So there was nothing else in my brain? I mean, the matter that should be there is there, right?” Hahaha we both laughed and he said “Yes, you definitely have a brain.” That’s nice to know, considering how completely common sense-less I can be, sometimes. I’m one of those “I don’t understand this because it’s simple to understand, but if it’s complicated I’ll grasp it and break it down right away” types of people. Anyway, he told me that my aneurysm was tiny… As in 2 mm tiny! To give y’all some perspective, the thickness of a dime is 1.35 mm thick, so this aneurysm was less than the thickness of two dimes stacked together. What? So how did something so small cause so much damage? He said that had the aneurysm been found before the rupture, and had he been my surgeon pre-rupture, they wouldn’t have even operated on it. I would have been one of the “watch and wait” cases, as an aneurysm that small would have a 1-2% chance overall of even rupturing to begin with. What? So then why did it rupture? Answer is, nobody knows!!! It’s so crazy, y’all! I don’t even know what to think of it, honestly. The rupture rates for an aneurysm my size are less than 0.05% per year… So that means I could have lived with this little thing for many, many, many years with no rupture and no problems. So why? Why did it rupture? Why did it land me with a grade 4-5 rupture subarachnoid hemorrhage on the Hunt and Hess scale? Why did something so ridiculously small cause such damage? Why? Why? Why? What? Is this really my life? That’s seriously how I feel everyday. I just can’t believe that this is my reality. I wonder if these types of feelings are common of survivors of strokes (subarachnoid hemorrhage is a type of stroke, called a hemorrhagic stroke), ruptured brain aneurysms, other life threatening conditions? Especially for me to be so young and not meet hardly any of the statistics for an aneurysm or rupture. Like… What? Haha. Is this for real? It just seems like a dream sometimes, like I’m going to wake up and someone’s going to say “Hey, just kidding, you just got punk’d!!!” Except I definitely would not laugh at all. It’s been a long year, my friends.
Anyway, Dr. White also informed me that the chances of this ever happening to me again are near 0% which is a blessing. At the time of my angiogram, there were no other aneurysms. The only things I have to do are watch my stress levels, make sure that I’m taking good care of myself, aka EATING and resting when I need to, watch my blood pressure, and basically just make sure I’m living a healthy, clean lifestyle. Sounds easy enough. I don’t drink and when I did, I didn’t drink much anyway, so that’s not an issue. I have asthma, so I definitely don’t smoke, and I think they put something back together the wrong way (haha, JK) because I hardly ever crave the junk food I always wanted pre-surgery! It’s really weird hahah. I could honestly eat vegetables, fruit, and grilled chicken everyday, easy. I love water, green tea, any kind of tea, actually, and rarely ever drink coffee or soda anymore. I am at a higher risk of future strokes because of this one, and I think I can deal with that, as long as I am taking good care of myself, I should be alright. I just turned 25 almost two weeks ago, Sunday, and I’ve got a long life to live. I can easily see myself becoming that gym rat, health junkie next year! It won’t just be a new year’s resolution, either. No, no, no… Surviving something as catastrophic as I have this year calls for an entire lifestyle change. No problem. I want nothing more than to take care of myself so that I can share my story with others, and share just how awesome God is for the work He’s doing/has done in my life this year!! :) Dr. White then told me that I didn’t need to make an appointment to see him again for 5-10 years, but that if anything changes at all (more intense/uncontrollable headaches, seizures, TIA or any other kind of stroke…) to call him to get an appointment as soon as possible. Next time I see him, I’ll have a CTA done (which you can read about by clicking the CTA and scroll almost to the end of that page) just to make sure everything is okay with the clipped aneurysm, and detect anything else that may be abnormal. I’m pretty excited that I don’t have to have all kinds of angiograms done. I have absolutely no memory of my angiogram pre-surgery, nor do I want to remember, but I’ve heard that they are not the most pleasant experience. It’s all just really crazy, what these little “bubbles” can do, and all that you have to do after experiencing one rupture, if you survive it. I’m so thankful to be alive, though. I also got a little identification card that I keep in my wallet, now that explains the clips I have in my head and gives instructions to anyone who might order an MRI for me. It’s pretty neat, but I’d much rather have a photograph in its place haha. But whatever, you never know haha… It’s a good thing to have my little card. I haven’t even looked up the images of the clips, either.
I’m not entirely ready to face this reality, which is why I’m handling this recovery in bits and pieces. It’s also why I haven’t ordered my medical records, yet. That’ll be a huge deal for me, and I don’t know if I have the emotional strength right now to read through it all, and get “memories” of what I don’t remember. I’ve faced my mortality, obviously, but I don’t know that I’m ready to face it in its detail, too. That’s a bit too graphic for me, right now. Dr. White suggested just forgetting it ever happened. Haha, I wish I was the type to be able to gloss over something like this. However, that is not a possibility in the slightest. First, it was a major, major, major spiritual wakeup call and now that I’m right with God, I’m definitely not going back! Second, I’ve learned so much about my life, about the lives of people intertwined into mine, about the lives of survivors of other brain injuries… I can’t just “forget” about it, even if I am doing wonderfully well. It helps to laugh, though.
Anyway, what made this day another best day ever was the fact that my brain buddy, T, met up with me! Remember, she is the lady who was in the room next to me in ICU who had her rupture on the same day, then had the clipping craniotomy the same day, by the same neurosurgeon as me! Once again, a “why, what, really?” moment! Like… What are the odds of that, seriously? What are the odds that each of our mother’s would lose the contact information they exchanged, but then T would find me through a website and then find my blog, and we’d reconnect? Haven’t figured out the significance of this, yet, but my dad has repeatedly said it, and I believe “there’s something special there.” It’s just too odd. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences, anyway. Everything is a God thing! He is seriously always up to something and we often don’t see it until we’re far removed from the situation, or He decides to reveal it to us in His perfect timing. I honestly don’t know, and my little mind can’t even come up with enough possibilities that might remotely make any of this make sense. Perhaps, though, that’s His lesson in this for me. Besides make it right with and live for Him, to just let Him work as He works, and to just trust that He has it under control. I’ve already grasped the concept that control is an illusion to make us feel safe. When you think that God is the only One truly in control, you are insignificant in the matter. He chooses what happens and what does not happen, period. So what are you in control of, again? Besides yourself. You always have self control. Some people just don’t have very developed senses of self control. Haha that isn’t me, though. Disciplined should be my middle name. :)
Anyway! T, her mom, her aunt, my mom, my sister, and I all spent the day in Dallas. First we had to make a stop by ICU to visit Abdul, one of my favorite (but least liked at the time–haha) nurses! I was so happy to see him! Gave lots of hugs and lots of smiles, that’s for sure. We got some pictures, too! I also met up with a couple of other nurses I vaguely remember. I know Dr. White said I don’t have to see him again for 5-10 years unless I need to, but I will have to make a trip to see the nurses every once in a while. I adore them. It’s kind of strange, but sometimes (and especially when I first came home) I miss them! We got close in those 10 days I was in ICU. I even made buddies with my friends on the 5th floor when I moved up there for my last day and a half admitted in the hospital. Haha. I remember their names, too. I wish that Gil and Kim had been at work while I was visiting. But I guess I will just have to make a little trip back down there to visit. :) I’m glad that T and they were co workers so that she can play messenger for me, and who knows? Maybe we could all get together for dinner in Dallas, one night? It’d be an adventure. Patients/survivors and the nurses who helped them survive. What a special bond. I know that if I were a nurse, I’d love seeing my patients (especially if I were an ICU nurse–as a lot of those patients don’t ever leave the hospital alive) doing well and coming back just to say hey. It was a great time at the hospital. :) I would post the pictures here, but I’m not entirely sure how comfortable they’d feel about that, so I’ll refrain for now. Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful visit with beautiful people. Even the lady in the gift shop remembered me and was happy to see me doing so well. Such an awesome day, and I thank God for sweet memories such as these.
But then the best part happened! Haha we had to go eat at Babe’s Chicken. Wow, it was delicious! If you’re in the DFW area and haven’t eaten at Babe’s, shame on you!! I will drive 2 1/2 hours just to eat at Babe’s again! Hahaha. We ladies had a great time.
We took that before going inside to eat. T’s mom took the picture, and her aunt was about to meet up with us for dinner. From L-R is my mom, me, T, and my sister, Kayla. :) Lots of good times! We had shopped around a bit in that area (Carrollton) while we were waiting for the restaurant to re-open for dinner. Cutest little area and shops down there. I loved it. :) Dinner was so delicious, seriously. Amazing chicken and fixin’s. Aka mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, biscuits. And some of the best sweet tea you’ve ever had!! Sorry, Chicken Express and Taco Casa, Babe’s might have ya beat!! After dinner, we were hugging off our goodbyes when my mom reminded me of “the picture” which just so happens to be a canvas painting I did for T with “our” verse on it! Since she first found me, she has shared Romans 1:12 with me and it has become our staple, I guess you could say. The foundation of our friendship and this experience, for sure. :) I painted a burgundy ribbon (brain aneurysm awareness ribbon color!) that my sister outlined in gold, Romans 1:12 up in right hand corner, and the verse underneath the ribbon in black with gold accents. I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but I did not! Haha. That’s okay, though. T really loved it and I’m glad that she gave me some inspiration (the verse) for me to paint! I had fun making it, and I know I would have loved it had she done that for me. :) We have a unique friendship, haha sisterhood as we refer to each other as “sister-friend” and I call her “sis.” :) I love it, a lot! It’s neat that we can bond over something so detrimental and come out with a good support system through it all. I’ve learned this year, more than ever, that support matters. A lot. For anyone going through anything tough in life, you’ve got to have that support! You’ve got to keep God at the center of your life, and you’ve got to use the supports He gives you on these journeys in life. That’s what friends and family are for. Seriously.
So, my friends, I’ve had a pretty awesome week, and I’m so happy to have pictures with the people who were instruments in saving my life, I was thrilled to be able to thank them for their work, dedication, and effort. I was able to thank them for helping me to see my 25th birthday, and I was able to see T and her sweet family, as well as enjoy time with my own. Beautiful, beautiful day! I worked unexpectedly (but thankfully) yesterday, so I didn’t get to spend the day resting up like I had intended, but that’s okay. I also went to a Christmas party/dinner at Chili’s with my table group from church. That was fun. I’m very quiet compared to those girls, but I like them all. They make me laugh! Stacie got my gift of nail polish and I got a Starbucks (which I needed because that place is expensive haha) gift card. :) Today I laid around for a long time until my best, Rachel, called and asked me to have lunch with her. She and I had lunch then went around town looking at possible wedding venues. Someone’s getting marrieeeeedddd!!!! :) Not me! Yet, anyway! Haha first I need a groom… Hahahah. But my sweet best friend will be saying “I do” next November, more than likely. :) We are trying to get some possibilities together for that. It takes a lot to plan a wedding, and the ceremony is the result people see, but there is a lot of planning that goes on behind the scenes. Me being me, I like to have details in cement to assure that everything is going to plan and will work out. Gotta start ASAP. Now I’m home in my fuzzy socks, I’ve drank a mug of hot apple cider with cinnamon, I’m listening to Marvin Gaye on Pandora, and I’ve clearly typed out a rather long blog with lots of information for y’all. Hahah. It’s almost at 3,000 words! Why is this not an essay for school? Hmm… That’s another blog, though. I definitely want to look into getting back into school to finish a degree I started, maybe next fall? I don’t want to “waste” any life.
Alas, I’m grateful, I feel comfortable, and I feel like even if my life isn’t going any way I would have ever planned, it is going the way that it needs to go. I trust that God has this in control, and He just wants me to be a good steward of the life He’s given me. It’s gotten better, and it will continue to get better. I have hope, always. I’ll always be the optimistic person who finds that flicker of light even in the darkest of nights. That’s just who I am. :) I hope that all of y’all readers are doing well, and remaining blessed wherever you are! Remember, tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Make it right today! Live easy, love hard, and keep the faith, keep the fight. Blessings to you. :)
Faith, by fire. 