Happy 1 year “blog-iversary” to me!

One year of blogging about my journey!  Happy faces and thumbs up, for sure!

Doing the “victory pose” during a happy moment. Thumbs up and big smiles, that’s pretty much my life mindset haha.

Haha umm, I meant to write and post this entry on the actual anniversary, but I was preoccupied on a “girls getaway” trip to New Braunfels!  I guess I could have written it before hand and left it as a draft, then just set it to publish on June 29, but that’s alright!  I’m here now, and that’s what matters.  I wrote my first post on June 29, 2012.  :)  To think that I didn’t even want to talk about this whole brain injury/brain aneurysm/stroke thing and now I’ve been writing for a little over a year, is funny to me.

I’m glad I started writing when I did, and I’m also glad that I didn’t write when I first came home last year.  Those first 6 months were the most… Dark times.  I just felt so confused, so conflicted, and mostly so scared.  Every ache and pain sent me into a panic, every sharp “zing” through my scalp had me convinced that I was experiencing something wrong with the clipping, and emotionally, I was a total mess.  I was dealing with so much all at once, none of which I had been prepared to deal with in the slightest. I’ve done a lot of reading and research, and many people have said that the general anesthesia and drugs coming out of your system can cause you to be really emotional.  But just for a recap, I had emergency brain surgery (no idea I even had an aneurysm until mine ruptured), the parts of my brain (most) affected control emotions, memory, and personality, and I was thrown into a sea of “what is this?” with no idea how to swim.  So what do you do?  You learn to tread water.  I’ve been treading water for nearly 17 months, now.  July 4 will be 17 months since “the night I died,” and July 6 will be 17 months since my life was saved thanks to an incredible neurosurgeon and medical staff that God used to help intervene.  I still firmly believe, though, that if He (God) didn’t want me here, I would not be alive (and doing as well as I am) today.  You can think what you’d like about that, but it won’t change how I feel.

 
Anyway, I’m just saying hey!  I may decide to blog about my weekend getaway this past weekend, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.  I just wanted to say something about having passed a year in blogging.  Writing is cathartic to me, so I don’t think I’ll stop writing anytime soon.  Just knowing that I can touch thousands of lives with one blog really propels me to keep sharing my heart, journey, understanding, faith, and struggles.  Seriously, y’all?  That blog has (at the time of me publishing this entry) 1,170 views.  My blog in totality (from June 29, 2012 to currently) has 4,121 views!  You know what that means to me?   It means that people are hungry for more knowledge, there are people out there struggling to find the words to explain to others, there are people who are willing to learn about “us” (with traumatic and/or acquired brain injuries), and that I have the ability to put it into words for “us” and them.  That’s a huge blessing, and I can’t thank y’all enough for being so awesome as to take the time to read it and share it with others!  It also shows me how God is faithful to use what gifts you have, if you’re faithful to use what gifts you have.  When I wrote that entry, I was in a moment of late night clarity and decided to just “speak up” for myself and two other survivor friends.  I never intended for it to reach as far as it has, and it still continues to spread today.  That’s pretty awesome, if you ask me! :)

Alright, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  It feels incredible outside, so I think I might go for a long walk and just get some fresh air. Maybe I’ll even run some if I feel okay!  Take it easy, everyone.  Keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

Sometimes only music makes sense.

There are songs that you love, just because they’re good songs.  Then there are songs you love because you can relate to the lyrics and emotions.  Ever since my brain lost its mind (haha), I have found new meaning in some of my favorite songs.  I can easily find myself tearing up or tears falling as I listen to the words and truly let the emotions sink in.  I am so grateful that I didn’t lose any hearing, or ability to comprehend language.  That would really be catastrophic to me.  Music helps me heal, helps me understand, helps me relax, helps me breathe, helps me feel, helps me know that at some point in time, someone, somewhere once felt as I feel.  Anyway, here are a few of those songs. :)

Standout lyrics: Basically the entire first verse haha… “If you could soldier on, headstrong and through the storm, I’ll be here waiting on the other side. Don’t look back, the road is long.  The first days of the war are gone.  Take back your former throne, and turn the tide.” “I know pain is just a place where the will has been broken.”
Basically, don’t give up. Keep moving forward, and keep fighting. “I’ll be here waiting on the other side” reminds me of me not feeling like myself, fighting through all of this mess, but finding out that “on the other side,” I’m still me.  That positive, optimistic, courageous girl is still in there.  Don’t focus on the past, but instead, “take back your former throne and turn the tide.”  Take your life back, and blaze on ahead.  Don’t let this reduce you or break your spirit.  You keep fighting, and you never stop. :)

Standout lyrics: “We all have a weakness, some of ours are easy to identify.” “If I turn into another, dig me up from under what is covering the better parts of me.” “So when sickness turns my ego up, I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.”
I could probably stop right there.  That first line is so… Poignant and so relevant to brain injury.  You can’t see the injury, but it’s there and it has an affect on everything we do.  Brains don’t heal like bones.  Once it’s injured, you just have to figure out how to live with it.  It hurts.  Some days you feel normal again, but most days you don’t.  You just kind of deal with it.  This song also makes me feel how important it is to have someone there for you.  Someone with whom you can be your most raw, primal, true self.  Someone whose love for you overshadows any outrageous emotions/behavior you might exhibit throughout this wilderness that is brain injury. (Preferably) Someone who knew you before you got sick, so that they can remind you of who you are.  That your brain injury does not define you, even if it changed you. “You” are still in there, somewhere. They aren’t afraid to go into the depths to love you and show you who you are.

Standout lyrics: “This is my prayer in the fire.  In weakness, or trial, or pain.  There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord, through the flame.  I will bring praise, I will bring praise.  No weapon formed against me shall remain.  I will rejoice, I will declare, ‘God is my victory, and He is here.'” “This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise I’ll stand.  I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain.  I will rejoice, I will declare, ‘God is my victory, and He is here.'” “All of my life, in every season.  You are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship!”
This. Song. I love it so much!  I could not have gotten through what I’ve been through without God (or the people He’s placed in my life) and my faith is very important to me.  However, I will not lie and say I don’t struggle.  Why?  Because I keep questioning why a “good God” would allow all of these painful experiences to happen to me.  Wasn’t being born so premature and literally fighting for my life since the second I was born enough?  Weren’t all of the painful experiences enough? Don’t You care about me, God? Don’t You see I’m tired of the struggle, I’m tired of the fight?  Don’t You know my heart? Don’t You know I’m over this now?  Why can’t You ever just tell me what lessons You want me to learn instead of making me go through all of this mess? All questions I’ve honestly asked Him, then felt bad about asking Him.  He gave me life, and He continues to let me live.  Am I even “allowed” to ask Him questions? Am I even “allowed” to be mad?  Then I realize, I am just a vessel.  Perhaps none of this has anything to do with me, but through my struggles, I am able to truly reach others.  Through my struggles, others are able to identify and feel safe.  I have God on my side, what reasons do I have to complain?  This song is just a reality check for me.  It reminds me to keep trusting Him, even when I don’t understand (which is huge for me, I’m extremely inquisitive and have to have a plan) what is going on in my life. I know He has never forsaken me, not one time even when I’ve felt like I’m an island, lost in the wilderness with no idea how to get out… He is still with me.  It makes me still give Him thanks and praise for all that He is doing in my life. I know the war isn’t over, but I know that I will continue to fight as long as I have a pulse and air in my lungs.  I know that in the end, I will prevail and I know that God is already there. It’s like my grandma tells me “you grow through what you go through.” :)  When I listen to this song, I feel empowered, I feel like I have no choice but to fight, I feel like I have no choice but to say “thank You,” and give Him praise through these struggles.  This song reaches my heart and says “onward we go.”

That’s all I’ve got for now, I have been thinking about writing and posting this, but haven’t gotten around to it until now.  Hope that y’all are all doing well, wherever you are.  Just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight! :)

What a difference a year makes…

Just a quick photo entry, since I hardly ever share photos on here.

 

 

Twenty-fourth birthday!

This was taken December 2, 2011 at the work Christmas party.  Remember in that last entry where I mentioned how NOT very attention loving I am?  Haha, well the girls got me good!  I’m glad, too, because when I see this picture, I’m reminded that all is not lost.  It shows genuine surprise and emotion, and I love the fact that I have this to look back on during those times I feel like I’m so different now.  I still love a good laugh and a good surprise. :)  I had went to the restroom, giving them the perfect opportunity to arrange the surprise they knew I’d object if I knew it was taking place! Haha.  When I came back, the waitress had this fried ice cream and a giant sombrero.  Awww, good times!  One of the girls captured this as I was like “What?” and laughing!  Good, good, good times! :)

 

 

Fast forward (yeah right, this year has been the loooongest year of my life!) a year, and we have this…

 

Twenty-Fifth birthday!

 

This was taken December 2, 2012 in my living room!  Haha.  It’s a self portrait, and after I came home feeling sleepy, but relaxed and comfortably happy about the day’s events.  As you can see, my hair is much shorter and only curled because that’s its natural texture!  No heated styling tools required. :)  The smile is still genuine, but much less surprised, and the atmosphere was much quieter.  I am still one happy girl, though.

 

You know, it’s funny as I look at these, because they are both accurate depictions of who I am.  Both happy, easily surprised, amused, entertained, and satisfied, but also very mellow, quiet, comfortable, and feeling whole.  In both of these pictures, I didn’t let outside circumstances taint my inner peace, I didn’t choose to sit and wallow on what “should have, would have, could have” been.  Two different years, two very different experiences, and one ultimately content soul.  That’s me! :)  God is good, and I’m thankful for all of my years so far, and for the years I’ll hopefully be blessed to experience. :)