Yep, that’s right. Today is officially ten months since surgery! Praise the Lord that I am here and doing as well as I am. Today, though, I am migraine stricken. I finally caved about an hour ago and took half of a Norco. I hate, hate, hate narcotic pain medication because it just makes me feel way too zoned out, and I don’t like feeling disconnected, really. Haha. It took me 5 hours to split the 10 mg in half and do 5 mg. It has lessened the headache a bit in intensity, but it is still painful. I know what triggered it, though, and this one is just something that’s gonna have to work itself out, really. Come to think of it, the headache is behind my right eye. I’m going to go clean my glasses and put them on like a good girl. My optometrist did tell me to wear them 24/7 (besides sleeping and showering, of course haha) but I almost never wear them. They help with the eye strain and may even lessen this headache.
Okay, glasses on, cold water bottle by my side, Shane and Shane Pandora going… I’m ready to write!
Ten months and I’m feeling:
Hopeful: Finally! The light shines much more than it ever did in the beginning. Looking back on these past ten months (seriously… It’s been that long? Some days it seems like it’s been years, others it seems like it was yesterday!) I can still safely say that months 1-6 were the hardest. Obviously, it was a traumatic experience, I had zero idea of what was happening to me, and when I did learn about it, I was terrified. My entire life changed literally overnight. I think I’ve handled it well, I’ve been told I handle it so well, and that’s nice… But I can’t deny that I was very hopeless in the beginning. Just so downtrodden which is so not me. At all. Not my mindset, not my attitude, not my outlook. It was very weird to feel like someone else, but in my same body. Huge adjustments had to be made, and these days I am pretty hopeful again. Therapy has helped a lot, staying connected in church, reading my Bible, listening to inspirational music, other survival stories, finding support from others like me… All necessities along the recovery! Hope is a good thing. :)
Agitated: Everyone who knows me knows that I might be petite and soft spoken, but if there is something I am passionate about, I will not hesitate to let it be known. Now that I have one, brain injury is something I am passionate about. I will not be quiet, I do not care what you think, either. It is really, really, really irritating to hear all of the misconceptions and just pure ignorance from people when it comes to people with brain injuries. It gets me all fired up! Haha these days, though, I try to take a breather, calm down, don’t get so stressed, and calmly state the way I see things. You just can’t argue with a fool, though! Guess what… We are still human beings, our minds (literally) work differently than yours, though. That’s all. You don’t have to treat us like we’re contagious, you don’t have to be afraid, you don’t have to think that we might just pass out and start seizing at any moment, you don’t have to think that we’re mentally handicapped, don’t assume that we’re lazy, or careless, and you better not ever let me hear the “R” word. Ever. That’s not even cool, and I will definitely call you on it. It is our job as the ones with the injury to educate those around us… And I try my best, but sometimes the idiocy gets the best of me, no doubt.
Shocked: I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if others who have survived a ruptured brain aneurysm feel this or not, but I am still in shock. I tell myself all the time “This is not a dream, Robin. This is your real life.” Haha this is weird, but sometimes when I would get really nervous about something, I’d just pretend like I was playing a role in a movie and if I messed up (let anxiety/fear get the best of me) my part, I’d ruin the entire movie. I don’t do that often anymore haha because my real life really does rival a movie script. But I am still waiting for the part where someone says “Aaaand cut!” Except no one will say that. Because this isn’t fake, it is my real life. This is really real. What? Haha how did I get here, again? It still feels like a twilight zone sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’m lacking memory of 9 days of February, maybe it’s because the story has only been told to me and shown through pictures, so it seems like just some story with pictures, and not my actual life. However, I’m reminded on days like today when I have an intense migraine caused by circumstances I can’t control. Reality check! Haha.
Refined: Ignis Aurum Probat is Latin for “fire tests gold” and before any of this aneurysm stuff ever happened, I would think about how people were always shocked by my premature birth story and how I’ve literally been tested since day one. Fire tests gold. That means that there is a purpose behind all of this, even though/if I don’t understand it. We are always searching for the easiest route to get to the destination. Proverbs 19:21 reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Can I get an amen? Do you know how many plans I had for this year that definitely did NOT involve being sick? Plenty of them! My plans don’t matter, except now that I have a real-lationship with God, my plans are hopefully in perfect correspondence to His will for my life! I seriously do not want to waste even a second of this precious life of mine doing things that don’t matter. I just don’t want to, and it’s taken this serious illness, intense recovery, and slowing down to realize how fragile and fleeting life is to be in this mindset I’m in, now. I wish it hadn’t taken all of this for me to “get it,” but God will use whatever He has to in order to capture our attention and our hearts. I’m all His, now, and I don’t care who knows it. :) The refining process is not the most awesome thing, but it is the most awesome thing. Growing pains always hurt, but you end up stronger in the end. I’m thankful.
Determined: I am easily one of the most strong willed, stubborn, laser beam focused people I know. I always say “at least I’m stubborn in the right ways!” meaning I don’t often use my stubbornness to rebel, but to stay steadfast for something that’s good. Like staying over at work in order to get caught up on something, studying that extra hour even though I think my eyes are going to fall out of my head, continuing to press for something I know will be for a greater benefit, even if I have to sacrifice. Now that I’ve faced mortality at a young age, I definitely just want to spend the rest of my life making a difference. I’m not sure how, yet, but I do know that I’m absolutely determined to make an imprint on this world. Somehow, some way. Once I get started, too, there’s no stopping me. I just told a friend last week “You will literally have to declare me dead before I’ll stop fighting.” I’m not a combative person, but I am very, very, very mentally disciplined to succeed. Always have been, always will be.
Healthy: In spite of having suffered something so catastrophic, and still having some medical issues I know I need to have checked, I am feeling healthy. Why? Because… I think they put something back together wrong (hahah jk) but now all I ever crave is healthy food! It’s so, so, so weird. But I actually love it! I love water, I love vegetables, I love eating fruit when I have a sweets (which is rare– I’m not big on sweets, never have been) craving, and I always just want to eat salad. Before I got sick, I would eat horribly, honestly. I’m small, at 5’1″ and just over 110 pounds (yep, Thanksgiving helped me gain a little weight haha) but I was definitely (just barely) overweight when I went into the hospital. I went in at 133-134, and came out at 124. After coming home, I lost another… Oh… 16-18 pounds? At my lowest, I got down to 106. I haven’t been that small in years!! It’s still in the normal weight range for BMI, but oh my gosh… My size 4 clothing was HUGE on me, and I just got so small! Haha I decided I did not like that. I finally have an appetite most days, now, and eating is much easier. I just continue to stay small (and healthy) because I actually eat right, now! I’m back in my size 2 jeans, still a size Medium shirt, or sometimes a Small depending on the cut. Now I just want to get toned up. Just because I’m tiny doesn’t mean I’m fit. I want to be toned up again, like I used to be when I did Pilates and ran. I really want to get back in the gym and start building up some muscle. Haha I haven’t stepped foot in a gym to work out in years. Seriously, I’m just naturally small! Anyway, that’s one of my next goals is building muscle, getting back in the gym to exercise regularly (it certainly can’t hurt), and getting all toned up. :) I know people do this every new year where they get their gym membership, determined for “this” to be “the year” that they reach whatever goal they have… But this isn’t something I want as a yearly thing, I want it as a lifestyle change. I see now, just how important it is to be as healthy as you can. I don’t know why I had a brain aneurysm, I don’t know if I will have another brain aneurysm, either way, I probably can’t control the outcome. I can control what I eat, whether or not I choose to exercise, I can stay away from alcohol, I can never smoke, I can make sure I watch my blood pressure (even though it’s normal most of the time–aside from the occasional white coat syndrome) and I know that exercise and eating right can assist in all of that. I’m ready, ready, ready to take control where I am able to take control! Definitely looking forward to building my “summer body.” Haha I already lost a lot of weight, so I’m at a good starting point to just build up from here. I’m also blessed to have a wonderful friend who is a fitness pro, who can help me with an exercise regimen that isn’t too burdensome given the fact that I do have to do life a bit differently, now.
Which leads me to my next blog entry… :)
Faith, by fire. 