I wrote these notes to my mom on the day of surgery! She and my sister kept a journal for me (where the first posts on this blog come from–go back to June to start reading from the post entitled “February 4, 2012”) and I couldn’t talk due to being intubated… But I wrote these the morning of surgery. God was with me then, and He is still with me everyday! I love it, and this one little picture shows so much strength. God is real, and He loves us! Excuse my poor handwriting at the time, haha. In case you can’t read it clearly, I was asking my mom “Are you scared? Wow!” probably in response to something she told me… Then she asked me if I was scared and I wrote back to her “I’m not God is with me” :) Perfection!
Well, folks… Today is it! “Officially” six months! Six months ago, I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again or feel like myself, again!! I really didn’t. I had lost faith in myself and my ability to overcome. But, I am here!! Six months!!! I say officially in quotes, because I count my “annie-versary” by the weeks. I passed the 24 week mark on July 21. If there are 4 weeks in a month, and 24 weeks in six months, then July 21 was “technically” 24 weeks or 6 months. Haha don’t judge me. I’ll count however I want to!
Anyways, in not wanting to confuse anyone, I still see the 4th and 6th of the months as “official” dates! The 4th is the official date since the rupture (or the night I feel I died) and the 6th is the official date since surgery. Another month! Praise to God. Annie-versary is a term we within the brain aneurysm community use to mark another milestone. A bit of a play on words, but as a writer I love word play.
So, how do I feel? I feel pretty strong! I feel like I’m improving, and continue to improve everyday. I feel like God is truly reshaping my life and that I can only go up from here, especially with my eyes and heart focused on Him first. Matthew 6:33 reads, “But seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Not only do I love this verse, I totally “get it,” now. I don’t know what took me so long! I really don’t know why I kept procrastinating on a real-lationship with God.
Yesterday at church, the sermon was preached by Sam (who is awesome, hilarious, and did a wonderful job, might I add!) and his message spoke straight at my heart. He spoke of procrastination and how we often procrastinate spiritually. Umm, yeah why don’t you just put the spotlight on me, then? Before I got sick, this was me. I’ve told y’all I had God on standby, “there if I need Him.” No more. I seek Him, daily and I find Him. I find Him in small ways, I find Him in big ways. I’m so grateful for this change in myself. I’m so grateful for this second chance to get it right! Not everyone is blessed with that opportunity. I can only assume (and feel it in my heart) that I’ve been awarded this chance because He still has work left here for me to do. Work for His Kingdom and all I want to do is live for Him and do what He needs me to do. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Had you asked me what my life was about last year, I don’t even know what I would’ve told you. Maybe I would’ve said it was about a wild night out with friends, or maybe a quiet night in with the headphones on (like I’m doing right now haha) or about shopping, clothes, a cute guy, a new phone… I don’t know. Now, if you were to ask me what my life is about, I can easily (without a doubt) tell you it’s about God. How He’s doing a work in me, how I’m alive because of Him, how He’s saved my life twice, how I love Him so much.
Sam led us to Ephesians 5:15-16 which read “15 Be very careful, then, how you live —not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” Two little verses, packed with power. That’s what I see, there. That’s what I felt yesterday as Sam broke them down into his own interpretation and I came to my own conclusions as well. Sam was speaking about how people interpret verse 15’s “days are evil” to mean the wickedness of the world, but how he saw it a bit differently. I too, see it a bit differently. To me, verse 15 means to manage your time wisely and not in pursuit of unrighteous things. Before I became sick, I would spend my time in the most mundane ways, seriously. Like, what was I doing, and better yet, why? Verse 16 means that we are in some trying days, and even if the things around us aren’t evil, if we spend our time pursuing evil (worldly) things, then we make a day evil. Not that worldly things are always evil, but they do become evil when we miss the mark of seeking God first, and invest all of this time into whatever it is we think the world will give us. That’s where the evil comes in.
Sam then spoke about how to make the most of our time here. He said we make the most of our time by investing small amounts over a long period of time. He spoke about how people will work out, make all of these new year’s resolutions to lose that extra weight this year, make better grades this semester, pray for that person we’ve been telling we’d pray for this afternoon, etc. Whatever ways we can find to put something off until another time. He spoke of how if we want to see results that we have to take an initial small step and work our way up. You can’t workout super hard on January 1, and expect to look like a fitness magazine model/body builder on January 2. However, if you work out a little each day, you’ll see as the weeks and months go by, you’re starting to look and feel better. You’ve just got to start somewhere.
When I first came home, nearly six months ago (February 17), I was paralyzed in fear. I truly did not know how to live. I didn’t feel like myself and I wasn’t sure what limitations I had. I didn’t want to do anything that I used to love to do (and thank God I don’t want to do some of those things–drinking, cursing, living worldly) like sitting for hours listening to music, writing, or going to dinner with my friends. I just had no desire to do anything. I wasn’t (and I’m not and never have been) suicidal or anything, I just wasn’t sure how to live. It’s a very odd feeling. I’ve had to take those small steps to get to where I am today. I started out just doing something away from home. A trip to the store would be so cool to me, because it was outside of the house and I couldn’t focus on my illness or the shock of it all. I loathe Wal Mart (haha, really) so for me to say I looked forward to going to Wal Mart, is something serious. Then I went to the movies on February 24, and that was another step. Then I drove again for the first time since February 4 on March 14, and that was another step. Then a sleepover (like the good ol’ days) with my best friend, Rachel, and that was another step. Then I began working again (April 2 and April 4 between the two jobs) and that was another step. Now I do all of these things without thinking, because they’re natural to me. I’ve learned that I don’t have to fear to live, but I do need to be cautious of what I’m doing, so I won’t endanger my health.
My time, these days, is dedicated to God first, then my family, friends, and work follow. My recovery is going strong and although it’s been difficult, I can say with ease that it has gotten much less difficult as the days go by. I didn’t want to believe any of people’s encouraging words when they’d tell me that “things will get better.” Even people I’ve connected with through the Brain Aneurysm Foundation community who are far, far ahead of me in recovery would tell me that, but I was so depressed that I just didn’t even want to hear it, much less believe it. But they are right, it does get better. It has gotten better, and it will continue to get better everyday. God is so good!
So, on this six month “annie-versary,” I just want to encourage anyone else going through their own storm, to keep the faith and keep the fight!! Keep pushing forward, because you can make it! If you’re one of those who are like who I used to be, just merely dipping your toes into the waters of a real-lationship with Jesus Christ, I want to encourage you to dive in!! Dive into a life with Him leading, and allow the blessings He has for you to reshape your life. That’s what I’m doing, now. I’m being renewed by Him daily, and I’m so grateful. I told my college pastor yesterday that “it’s been rough, but I’m making it. Growing pains.” That’s exactly how I’m choosing to see this situation, because that’s what it has been to me. I’m not perfect, and I never will be. I do still sin (although not in the same ways as before) and I am still unworthy of His glory and the goodness He bestows upon me… But I am honest with Him, I love Him, and I want to live out His will for my life with this second chance. I want to use this time of mine to get it right. So that’s what I’m going to do! I’m a pretty stubborn (in mostly the right ways) and strong willed person. What I set my mind to, I accomplish. This time, I have my mind set on the things of God and goodness for myself and for others. He is real, and He does transform if you allow Him. Or in my case, something happened to me that made me give up the ways of the world. I felt the difference in ICU and I’ve run with it since then. I’ll never give this up!! :)
If anyone out there is reading this and wants to know Jesus, or needs me to pray for anything… Leave a comment or send me an email and I would be happy to pray for/with you! I mean it! The address is xoxoro7@gmail.com and I will check it and respond to you as soon as I am able to! But, just so y’all know… In order to have God in your life, you don’t have to make it some grandiose scene. Jesus was very humble, and He appreciates the like. You can just simply ask Him to come into your life, and tell Him that you want to know Him. It’s really and truly that simple!! He never takes a day off, and He is always open to receiving us. So please, don’t be like I was… Don’t think that there’s always another time, and you’ll get to it later. You may not have another chance. The morning of February 4, 2012, I didn’t think I could die before midnight that same night. How? I had been in pretty good health (besides my prematurity and resulting asthma) before that happened, I didn’t even know what a brain aneurysm was, much less knew I was harboring one inside my skull… Yet it was a little time bomb ticking away. God has been using this for my good (Romans 8:28!) and I am so grateful for it! That’s how I feel, on my six month annie-versary! Feels good to feel good, too. Feels great to say I feel good and mean it!! Praise be to God!!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll never quit saying it: Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise. Make it right today.
Thank you all for reading, and be blessed!! :)
Faith, by fire. 