but it’s what has been given to me.
As I approach my two year blog-iversary and near 2 1/2 years post stroke/ruptured brain aneurysm survivor, I find myself looking back on this journey. How have I handled what’s been given to me? I would have never imagined that this could have happened to me, or that I’d be someone with a brain injury. It’s just not something you plan on when you think about your life path or future. Yet, it’s what I deal with everyday. I try to choose how I’ll tackle the day, and I try to choose to do it with a heart of gratitude that I’m even here and doing as well as I am, all things considered. It’s not an easy choice, but it makes the days go by easier when I have a positive outlook. A new epiphany has arisen from this experience… If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.
I have been dealing with way too many migraines the past few weeks. In fact, I had a neurologist appointment last Friday to discuss where to go from here, and have began a new medication to try and reduce the number and severity of migraines. I am hoping this is a good start so that I can be focused in time for school to begin this August. As for my first semester back since 2008, I finished up on May 7 and I had somewhat of a mental collapse. Nothing happened to me physically, I just felt like I finished a mental marathon (which, really, I had) and passed out at the finish line! Pursuing higher education with a brain injury is truly equivalent to running a race with an injured leg. There’s no other way to cross that finish line, but to push through and give it all you’ve got. I made it through the semester, but I really don’t think it should have been that hard. I had a lot of migraines and coupled with my perfectionist attitude and determination to get through, it was probably too much at once.
I took 13 hours and I have decided to cut back a bit just because the cycle of “have to make perfect grades” causing me a migraine, which made me tired, which made my memory suffer even more from lack of sleep is just not something I wish to repeat semester after semester. Yes, this will set me back a year in my program, but that’s okay. If I want to reach the ultimate goal (obtaining my BSRT) then I have to pace myself. That’s how I’m handling it. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need to do.
It’s just honestly so easy to get caught on the “complain train” as I call it. That part of the journey where something else happens and you just get so down, you just want to complain and cry. I have experienced (still, 2+ years later) many “down days” where I just get mad at God for leaving me here. Why would He just leave me here if I’m only going to feel so bad some days? Doesn’t He care? What is the point? I can’t be happy, I won’t be my usually smiling self, I’ll be even more introverted than I already am because I just don’t feel like being around anyone when my skull feels like it’s closing as my brain is trying to expand, at the same time. Yes, that’s how my migraines feel. I can’t even think straight, I get lightheaded, and I sometimes end up crying. Those who know me best know that I do not cry. I am not the crying type. If I’m crying, something is either very right or very wrong. Many times this year, I have had those crying days where I’m so tired, frustrated, head is raging in pain and I just ask Him to please be with me. He has continued to show Himself to me throughout this journey and it’s really remarkable.
This isn’t even about me, it’s about Him and how He is able to work. I am merely a vessel. Don’t know why He chose me, or chose this path for me, but I trust Him. He hasn’t failed me yet.
When I look back through pictures, journals, and well wishes from those weeks in the hospital, I’m just reminded of how faithful He has been. Through everything, and I feel guilty for complaining. He never said we wouldn’t have struggles, He said He would never leave us. I just ask for the strength and grace to suffer well. He knows it’s not easy, He sees my heart and already knows every turn my life will take before I can even comprehend what’s currently happening. I just have to trust Him in the process.
I have had a moment of clarity tonight and just wanted to write a little something since it’s been so long since I’ve written a “real” blog. I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying my best to stay on the up side, and keep healthy. I hope that you are all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!
As always, keep the faith, keep the fight!!!
Faith, by fire. 