What a lovely Sunday. I’m just lounging around at Rachel’s house and I woke up from a nap feeling very compelled to write. This morning we had a guest pastor from Romania who came and spoke to us. His lesson was about not being held prisoner to your circumstances. It was all around Paul’s letters to the people of Philippi and it was so good! He spoke about how Paul used his circumstances during his imprisonment to bring others to Christ and how his suffering turned out for the better. It’s almost uncanny (but God’s timing is perfect) that this was the message I heard on the 24 week (officially six months!) anniversary of my brain aneurysm rupture.
When you’re in the midst of suffering, your first inclination is not to ask “God, how can I use this to better serve You and glorify Your kingdom?” No. Your first inclination is to ask “God, why? Why me? I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and if You loved me, You wouldn’t let this happen to me. Why? Why?” The latter question was very much the question I asked when I first became aware of what had happened to me. I just was so heartbroken, and angry in a way. Not necessarily mad at God, but mad that something so horrific happened to me, a good person who didn’t deserve it. Well, a lot of things happen to a lot of people in this world that they do not deserve. I don’t know why, but as I progress through this recovery, I’m learning that it’s not my place to ask why or even need to understand. All that I need to understand is that God does love me, I need to trust Him, it wasn’t my time yet, and He does have work here for me to do. I cannot do His work if I’m so consumed with the why of what happened to me. I get peace from it more as the days pass on. It will never not hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did in the beginning. I’d say the first 4-5 months of this recovery. The 5th-6th month has been much more smooth than the beginning, and I am entirely grateful for that.
Now that I’ve let go of most of the anxiety, depression, and fear, (and there are still some rough days in there), I find myself seeking God’s will for my life. I want to know how to use the one thing that shattered my world, to rebuild it and beautify it for Him. That’s all I want in my life, now. Before I became sick, I was never an awful person, but make no mistakes, I was not perfect. I’ve always had very sound morals and principles, but those don’t get you to Heaven. I had accepted Christ into my life at a young age, but I wasn’t truly living for Him. That all changed sometime in ICU. It really hit home again on March 23, 2012. Ever since then, I’ve just been seeking God. It’s wonderful to feel that He is revealing things to you that you may have never understood otherwise. He’s an awesome God! On March 23, 2012, I quit asking God why, and started asking him to restore me to that “better Robin” my mom and many others spoke over me. I cried out to Him in pure sincerity and told him I couldn’t do it, and to please just take control of my life, for good. I didn’t want to try and make it better, I wanted Him to restore me. And I can honestly say that He has been. It feels awesome, too!
I’ve recently said that February 4, 2012 was the worst best day of my life. Haha. In many ways, that is true. When you think of having the best day ever, I’m sure that emergencies and trauma are never part of the equation. But you see, God can take our trials, tests, broken pieces,shattered spirits, and restore them. He can. It takes time, and it is difficult, but He can do it. All you have to do is first, admit to Him that you cannot do it on your own, and then release it all to Him. Let Him work it out for you. This has been a huge test in patience, faith, trust, and rest for me. I hope I pass with flying colors! Those who know me well know that I’m always planning, always trying to manage a situation, always being responsible, and with all of that usually comes a constant need to be moving. It’s been difficult for me to just rest. I’ve just recently cut back my hours at work (yes, I still have two jobs) because I’m finding that I’m not as well as I think I am. I’m doing wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But the injured brain cannot handle the things that a non injured brain can. I cannot afford (physically/mentally/emotionally) to work the insane amount of hours I worked last year. I just can’t. I find myself becoming very agitated, frustrated, forgetful, and annoyed at those feelings, these days. But it isn’t like I want to be that way. It’s a by product of the aneurysm rupture and brain surgery. Now that I’ m accepting the fact that I am not the same as I was before, my next test is to rest.
Yeah, right. Me? Rest? Ha! I’m 24, I’m supposed to be able to run around all day, stay up all night, and still have energy left over. I. cannot. do. it. When I do try to push myself to pre-rupture me, I pay for it. Usually (in my case) in fatigue, memory loss, inability to concentrate, and a very irritable mood. That’s not okay. That’s not how I need to care for myself, and maybe this happened for me to rest so that God could continue to speak to me, if only I’d slow down long enough to hear Him. I’m working on it, though. Taking the necessary steps to ensure that I have as strong of a recovery (doctor’s say at least a year to see where a patient will be) as I can. It’s okay. I don’t need to feel guilty for taking care of myself. I should feel guilty for allowing myself to get to a point where I’m breaking down because I’ve overwhelmed myself again. So, that’s where I’m at. The slow down, again. From February 17-April 1, I was at home. I went out and about a few of those days, but the fatigue was so unreal that I couldn’t even stand to be in a crowd, I would cry, and I would sleep a lot. Then somewhere, slowly, I started to regain energy. So I just worked up little bits, and found myself feeling “normal,” again.
April 2, I went back to work for 4 hours a day at job #1, just two days a week. I went back to job #2 on April 4 for four hours a day, two days a week. I’ve tried a couple of times to increase my hours to make more money (to keep the “small” medical bills from stressing me out too much) but I’m finding that I just need more downtime. That’s okay, too. I have to take care of myself, period. Doesn’t matter what anyone says or thinks. This is about my health. So here comes the slow down again. But this time, I’ll actually take those naps my neurosurgeon and his nurse constantly told me to take. Haha. I took a nap everyday for a month, then I was like “Well this is boring, let’s go do something!” I quit taking naps, and now somedays where I’ll have a 13-14 hour day (like I used to, many days) I’ll find myself longing to just take a nap. Soon enough!
Overall, I’m proud of myself. I’ve had moments where I was afraid of myself. I felt myself slipping, and it scared me because I was wondering what had happened to me? What happened to that strong spirit? What happened to that smile? What happened to that laughter? It scared me, I didn’t know who I was at times. But I felt like who I was died. And she did, but not all of her. Just the parts that needed to die in order for the better parts of me to have a better life. God is working on me constantly, and I’m trusting that He knows what He’s doing (because He keeps revealing Himself in various ways and I know it’s nothing other than a God thing) and I’m working on more patience and rest. I’ll get there. Therapy has been wonderful in helping me cope with the anxieties, obsession with health matters, fears, and pain. My family and friends have been so supportive and as understanding as they can be. However, you’ll never understand a person with an injured brain unless you’ve had a brain injury yourself. Doesn’t mean that you don’t want to understand, and that you don’t strive to understand… You just simply won’t, because you haven’t lived it. I’m in no ways discounting their love, support, and encouragement, either. I’m thankful to God for the family I have and the friends who have been so uplifting to me. Thank you all, for everything!
I’m ready to make these next six months much stronger than the first six months of my recovery! Let’s go! :) Philippians 4:13.
As the pastor was preaching, I had a little flashback to some texts saved in my phone from February 13, 2012. They take place between a friend, Michael, and me. I will type them out so that y’all can see how funny God’s ways are, and how we might not even see two things come together until months (or even years) after the fact! :)
Michael: I love you and want you to know your strength in life and in the Lord is shining in many people’s lives right now through the pain you’re going through. You’re making us all stronger and sucks you have to suffer for it, but we won’t ask why.
Robin: True. I’ve never understood a lot of things in my life, but questioning them doesn’t seem right, either. And if anyone can benefit from me…. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Count it all joy :)
See my spirit? Those words are the reason I say that the depression, anxiety, fear, and anger are not me. That was 7 days after an emergency brain surgery to save my life. If I could have that mindset in pain, in an ICU, I can have that same mindset at home, in recovery, no matter how difficult it may get at times! I’m glad I saved those texts so I can go back and read them again on one of those days I’m having a pity party for myself. Yes, what happened to me is awful, but I’m not going to wallow in self pity and desperation. Where will I get with that? Besides, that’s what satan wants. He wants me to be in a place of hopelessness, angst, and to stay there. Well, I say no! I say God did not leave me here to let me wilt. He wants me to flourish, and I want to flourish to be a better person for Him. I want others to see Him through me, and if like Michael said, that the Lord was shining through me and the circumstances, then I am blessed!
One of my “brain buddies” just text me about her message in church this morning, Philippians 4:1 “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Hahaha. I am laughing, because that is such a God thing!!! Only He would have very similar messages preached to two women who were side by side in ICU, with ruptured brain aneurysms and subsequent emergency brain surgeries, by the same neurosurgeon! We have never met each other, and don’t even live in the same city. Yet we each have this little reminder of hope. :) He is so awesome! :) I love it!
Hope all of my readers are doing well :)
Faith, by fire. 