Well… I’m not sure where to begin this post, I just have some things weighing on my mind tonight and I want to get them out.
I have this thing about one incident turning into many incidents of the same. I’ll try to elaborate, because I don’t even think that makes much sense. So let me just “say” it as I think it… Here we go! :) Bear with me, haha my mind does odd things now… Anyways…
I never heard of anyone who had a brain injury/surgery/tumor/aneurysm/AVM/any other condition until after I went through my own ordeal with a ruptured brain aneurysm. Well, in high school I did have a friend who had a brain bleed and emergency brain surgery after an AVM burst. But now it’s like all of these “brain buddies” are coming out of the woodwork. Why?
God has a purpose for everything in our lives. It is no accident that all of a sudden, people with similar brain injuries are coming from everywhere and I feel able to help them. I feel compelled to pray and share the faith that was displayed when people all over the country and world were praying for me. I didn’t know I was so loved until my family told me when I was conscious again about how many people cared. I didn’t know I was loved until I got my phone back 4 days after surgery, and began to go through my inbox reading the massive amount of texts, then listening to voicemails, and seeing comments on Facebook, mentions on Twitter. Love. Thank you to everyone who has showed me love. I may have some memory issues, but I will never forget what y’all made me feel. Thank you for displaying that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like when something traumatic happens in our lives, and God brings us through something challenging, it becomes our responsibility as a true Christian to assist others in that predicament. No, your stories don’t have to be the exact same (and I don’t think any two brain injuries are alike, anyway) but you share a common ground, so you have something that will be valuable to someone, somewhere. It becomes your duty to share your own struggles, victories, and encouragement to the next person. Pay it forward, I guess. Keep spreading the hope, allowing others to see that there really is a light in a dark place.
I don’t really know why God has me here, I don’t. I don’t know why He didn’t let me die when I was a baby and severely premature weighing in at 1 lb. 8 oz., I don’t know why He didn’t allow me to die almost six months ago (I count by weeks, not by the 4th & 6th of every month haha) when the doctors said I had a Hunt and Hess Score of 4-5 which meant a 10-20% chance of even surviving. I don’t know why I’m here, and as an intellectual person, I question this everyday. I search for this answer everyday, I pray to and ask Him for His reasoning everyday, and I’m not so sure I’ve heard why, yet. Maybe this is the reason why… Just to speak on what I know, and remind others that there is hope, that faith does go far, that prayer does matter. I don’t know. But that’s okay. I won’t stop praying, I won’t stop believing, I won’t stop spreading the faith.
Jeremiah 29:11 has become such a balm to my chafed spirit, this year. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” How awesome is that? When your entire world comes crashing down at the young age of 24, and you’re forced to face your mortality, you’re scared to live, you’re scared to die, you’re scared in general… This verse is a good one to turn to. I know I’m not the only one who can relate to a challenging time in life.
This recovery is difficult, maybe I make it look easy. But I’ll tell you that the reason it looks so “easy,” is because first of all, I give it up to the Lord everyday… And secondly, I didn’t start this blog until I believe 5 months after surgery. When I first came home, I was in no emotional state to write openly about how I felt. Everything would have been so downtrodden and full of negativity. That is not who I am. I’ve always had a spirit of a fighter, since the day I was born. I’ve always had an optimistic outlook on life, but this brain injury/surgery and the parts of my brain affected most, have changed that to an extent. It is getting better as the time passes on, but I still have very emotional days where I doubt my strength, or if I’m ever going to feel “normal” again. That is not why God left me here, for me to be oppressed and broken. No, I can’t spread the light of who He is if I’m living in the dark and letting it keep me locked in. I chose to wait until I felt more emotionally stable before I began to blog about what happened. Some days are better than others, but since changing my outlook on this event and this recovery (which is a lifelong thing–brain injuries don’t just disappear and get better one day) it seems like everyday is a good day. Haha. I have struggles everyday, like any other person… But I don’t view them the same. I’ve said “if you can’t change the situation at hand, change your attitude towards the situation at hand.” It’s so true. I can’t change the fact that I have an injured brain (mostly right temporal lobe for me) but I can change the fact that I have an attitude to view it with, and make that aspect better.
So to all of my new brain buddies, I’m praying for you. T, the woman who was in ICU right next to me (and just so happens to be an ICU nurse at the hospital we were both patients in–that’s crazy!), Matthew Cook (whom I’ve never met, but he is a very close friend of a friend of mine, and we have a common ground) MK (once again, whom I don’t know, but I learned about through a retweet of a retweet of her friend on Twitter), and the daughter of my therapist (seriously, God’s up to something… I went to him to seek help in dealing with the emotions of this trauma and recovery–not to pray for his daughter who has a brain tumor… But God knows what He’s doing when He places you in the life of someone or places someone in your life), I am praying for each of you. I pray that God restores your life, and makes it better than it was before. I pray for patience, strength, acceptance, perseverance, and patience with oneself and the world around you. It is a challenging road, but it can be walked. You can do it! Philippians 4:13!! Seek Christ in your weakness, and He will lift you up and make you strong! You’ve got my support!
To anyone who loves and/or cares for someone with a brain injury, stay strong! Keep the faith, keep the fight!! There’s a blog on here that explains what that phrase (keep the faith, keep the fight) means, but it has become integral to my own life and my own recovery. I pray for you, too, because it takes a toll on you, too! I understand that you have frustrations in not knowing how to care for this person, or how to accept their changes, I understand. It is very trying, and tiring. In many ways. I’m praying for you!! You can do it, and you’ve got my support. Us brain buddies thank you for being there for us!
Be blessed, y’all! :)
Faith, by fire. 