dust yourself off and try again.”
At the end of Spring 2014 semester, I felt accomplished, but a piece of me also felt let down. Yes, I went back to school and I really sought to learn. I sought to do more than just memorize, I wanted to learn new information, retain it and be able to recall it. I attended classes, I attended labs, I did projects, I studied, I passed tests, I failed tests. I was tired, but I still got up and went. I had awful barometric pressure headaches, which led to concentration and focus issues, and memory lapses. I still fought through it. In the end, though, I let myself down because I didn’t reach the goals I had set out for myself. Also because of the standards set for me by the people who are walking through this journey with me, I felt as though I let them down, and that is the last thing I want to do. There is nothing more I hate than disappointing myself or having someone disappointed in me, and there is no one who is more difficult on me than I am.
So what was the solution? First, I was absolutely exhausted. Mentally drained and stressed because I needed to revise the game plan. The number one item on my itinerary was crossing graduate May 2017 off of the list. Did I want to do that? Absolutely not. Did I need to do that? Absolutely! I remember sitting in the parking lot outside of my advisor’s office and I thought “Robin, get over yourself. You wanted this, but you also need to learn to make adjustments. Remember when you began this journey last September? What did you promise yourself? Now hold true to that. You hate when people lie to you, so don’t lie to yourself. You can do this, so get up and do it.”
That was it for me. I went to meet with my advisor, and together we revised my schedule. I chose to take one less class so that I could gain better footing on “how to college,” and give myself adequate time to adjust to this new season. I honestly did too much too quickly in my first semester back to the world of academia. A 6 year break in school wouldn’t be kind to many people, and that holds doubly so for someone with a brain injury mostly manifesting itself in cognitive deficits. I know I write well, but that’s also not the area of my brain that is most damaged. Brain injury is such a strange adventure because often, you can’t even tell that there’s anything “wrong” until you’re in a certain situation. I recall plenty of times I’d be right in the middle of a sentence and completely forget what I was trying to say. Or I’d have studied information for a test and knew it like the back of my hand, then get to the actual test, allow anxiety to overtake me, and end up doing subpar.
That was not okay with me. I am of the mindset that if I’m not going to make the best of what I have and apply 100% (and then some) of myself, then I may as well just stop doing what I’m doing. There is no reason for me to waste my time, money, energy or anyone else’s. I know God did not leave me here to just “maybe” do well and be well. He left me here in as great of condition as He did (all things considered) to really embrace what I’m capable of, and I knew I was capable of more than what I ended up with at the end of the semester.
After working with my advisor and vocational rehabilitation counselor, we all agreed on a new plan for the next few semesters and I am very happy to report that it worked! I saw my neurologist in October as well and I am still seizure free, praise God! I still have some scary moments where I have what I believe are seizure auras, but they stop there. I still experience severe migraines due to the barometric pressure, but something has changed. I believe with a bit less stress on my mind, I’m better equipped to deal with physical pain. I chose to go to school every day (M-F) and take all 8 AM classes when my mind was fresh, that made a huge difference, as did taking all my classes traditionally, face to face lectures. I still made it a point to sit in the front or as close to the front and center as possible, and I took very, very detailed notes. I stepped up, took initiative and really pushed myself to stay disciplined with studying, reaching out for clarification to help myself grasp concepts, and in constant contact with my professors, neuro team, advisor, and counselors. I am proud of me!
After final grades, I raised my GPA up to a 3.3 and a 3.0 cumulative. I only plan on going up from here! I am proud of me, and I am really looking forward to next semester and beyond. I have no doubts now that I can do this college thing, and Fall 2014 proved it to me. Yes, because my program of study is only offered once a year, I delayed my graduation by a year, but that’s okay. The goal is to finish strong, not necessarily quickly. I know I couldn’t keep going the pace at which I began, so I slowed down my run to a steady jog and I’m going to keep running this race until I reach that finish line. Let’s do this!
Hope all is well with you, wherever you are! I will be have to write more while I’m out on break. I just had to prioritize differently this semester, and that’s why there’s been such a gap in my writing. All is well though, just taking things one day at a time and still loving life. I am blessed, indeed!
Remember, keep the faith, keep the fight!
Faith, by fire. 