The Art of Racing in the Rain

Every once in a while, I will read a book that grasps my heart and won’t let go.  I took a chance on The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein, after reading positive reviews and a synopsis on a forum earlier this week while hunting for new literature.  You see, as much as I love to write, I love to read.  I began reading on my own at the age of three and I haven’t really slowed down much since.  For me, reading is such an escape and it gives me time to reflect and think.

While school is in session, most of my reading is strictly for school.  During this winter break, however, I just wanted to read something for leisure.  I love dogs, love cars, and love “feel good” stories, so I thought “well, it can’t hurt, right?”  I downloaded The Art of Racing in the Rain to my Kindle app on 12/22, began reading early in the morning on 12/24, and I just finished it a bit after noon today.  I’m glad that this was one of my Christmas gift purchases to myself from myself, because it inspired a new hope in my heart.  Amazon and I have quite the connection, as much money as I spend on there just for books! Haha, I love it though!

Without giving too much away, The Art of Racing in the Rain tells the tale of a family from the viewpoint of their lab-terrier mix, Enzo.  I haven’t ever read a book that is narrated by a dog, but if there is another one out there, I hope it is as well written as this book is!  I have read so many books, but this one is easily in my top ten.  The Giver  by Lois Lowry is probably my favorite book of all time, but I know there are so many more books to be read.  In the meantime, though, my heart is satisfied with this.

I did some research and found out that there are plans to turn The Art of Racing in the Rain into a movie.  If it is true, I hope they do justice by the book.  Often times, I’m disappointed with movies based on novels, because they just don’t live up to the books.  I would be really upset if any details were left out, because they truly add to the plot line.  This book was so charming, at times raw, and really warming.  Grab your tissues if you do choose to read it, because it tugs at the heart strings.  I know this is a book that I can go back to just for inspiration, and I always appreciate that from a book.

Hope that you are all doing and feeling well, wherever you are!  I’m having a rough week with a nasty barometric pressure migraine, so I’m just lying low today, but still enjoying Christmas in my own way. Coffee, a warm bed, and a good book. It’s well enough for me. :)

Keep the faith, keep the fight!  Merry Christmas to you and yours, and God bless!

Closing out.

As I sit here in a quiet house, the air conditioner is blowing, it’s dark in my room, and I have Ulysees (Justin Nozuka’s newest and most mellow, relaxing album) playing, I find myself in a reflective frame of mind.

Yesterday, I battled with a migraine that began on Saturday night as the storms approached.  Barometric pressure headaches are still a prevalent force in my “new normal,” and they are still a (literal) pain to deal with, because nearly nothing works to stop the pain.  However, since my city is in a severe drought, I still gave thanks to the Provider of the rain.  We are in desperate need and that is no exaggeration.  I stayed home from church, which isn’t what I wanted to do, but it’s what I felt best to do.  I know my tolerance levels and different “types” of headaches.  For this kind of headache (which seems like an understatement), it is best for me to be as mellow as possible.  Very little light, very little noise, very little motion.  So that’s what I did, and I still gave Him thanks for the rain, still reflected on what He’s done, who He is, and how He works in my life.

Then it hit me.

“I go back to school tomorrow, then there are just about two weeks of class before our finals.  That’s so awesome!”  But wait, this will be the first time I’ve taken a final since May 2008 which is the last time I was a student in a traditional classroom setting.  I consider myself forever a student of life. :)  Anyway, I started thinking about where this school journey began.  It was because of my seizure last year that I had to go see my neurologist, who then pointed me to the agency where I see my vocational counselor, who sent me for testing and we determined I would go back to school, where I am now studying for my bachelors of science in radiologic technology.  No seizure, no school.  Pretty much, that’s the story I would be telling.  It isn’t that I didn’t want to go back to school, it’s that I had no idea where to start or if I even could.  Hours and hours of neuropsychological testing, paperwork, several appointments and inventories over a period of 9 months led me to where I am today.   The neuropsych test results showed areas of deficits, but I do not have a learning disability.  I thought “okay, I can do this.  I’ll do this.”  I had to do all of the typical college student admissions process, transfer in my credits from previous schooling, financial aid… You know, all of that.  It was frustrating because I am honestly type A when it comes to “work stuff.”  Everything is on a schedule, I ask for clarification over and over again because I don’t want to mess up anything or delay anything.  I was that way before my aneurysm, and I’m even more like that now because it helps me stay on track.  My vocational counselor has been so incredibly encouraging and calming throughout everything, as have my closest friends who have offered their input and support.  I remember the early days of “if I go to school, what will I study?  What do you see me doing?” texts and phone calls to my friends and family.  I freaked out, I prayed, and then I chose the option that showed up in 3 areas of my career profile:  radiographer.

The morning of the day I had the seizure (that afternoon), I posted a screen shot of the verse of the day from my Bible app.  This was well before I had the seizure, and it continues to shape the path I’m traveling.  The scripture is Proverbs 19:21 which reads “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”  I’ll tell ya what, my plans for that day were not to have a grand mal seizure, spend the afternoon in the ER, have to deal with the emotional backlash of “If I left the house like I had planned, I could’ve killed us/someone else on the highway,” or the state of being postictal.  Not my plans at all, but maybe that event was part of His plans for me.  I’m not saying God said “I want Robin to have a seizure today,” but I am saying (once again) that He can use whatever he wants to steer me in another direction.  In ICU in 2012, I did tell Him “However You want to use me, please do it.  Thank You for this chance to live again, my life is Yours.”  Don’t pray about something if you don’t mean it.  He surely will use it!!!

He has been using all of this to shape me, and it’s a grueling but incredible experience.  I look back and see so much progress that I really can’t even believe.  I just wish I could’ve taken a photograph of my mind early 2012, vs now.  The differences would be stark in contrast to say the least.  I still have my “down days,” but I am also still hopeful everyday.  It isn’t easy to maintain a mindset of positivity, but it makes the road less challenging to travel!  The mind and body are interconnected and I have zero doubts of that, now more than ever.

My deficits show themselves in the world of academia, much more clearly than anywhere else.  Even when I was working, I didn’t notice them as much as I do around class.  It probably has something to do with the types of classes I’m taking this semester, as well as it “only” being two years since the stroke/surgery, first time in school in 5 1/2 years, and still healing.  To compensate, I keep a very structured planner, it’s color coded (as are all of my classes) and I try to keep my sleep schedule as close to the same time every night as is possible.  I stay in touch with my professors whether I see them in a traditional setting or an online class, I seek out extra help if I’m not understanding, and I have done a lot of “letting it go.”  I have to just realize that things aren’t the same as they were before, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what’s required of me.  I can, it just has to be done differently now and I have to show myself patience, persistence, and positivity.  I realize that I’m taking a massive leap by even attempting this, but I know my spirit, and it’s not one that backs away from a challenge.  I was born fighting (for my life, at 24 weeks gestation) and I know I will  live and die just the same way.  That’s okay!  It matters to be persistent and consistent, just like it matters to know when to push and when to back away.  I’m learning how this all works.  I’m getting brexercise (brain exercise) and acquiring new knowledge both in and out of the classroom everyday.  I am grateful!

I’m just really in awe of all that’s transpired since February 2012.  It’s really remarkable.  I go back through pictures and the journals I kept in those early days, and it motivates me to keep pushing.  If those were the worst days, surely I can continue through the tough days I have now.  Surely the friends who have managed to still be here for me will still help me through, and I know my family will support me.  It will all be okay!  I can’t (and won’t) ever stop thanking Him for this opportunity, or asking Him to keep leading my way, because if this isn’t what He wants for me, I don’t want it either.  :)

I know I’ll probably reach a point of information overload while studying for finals (I’m in 5 classes and 1 lab–full schedule for real), but I also know that my strict scheduling/organization towards school will help me through.  I know that still thanking Him, seeking Him, and believing His word “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” is true will carry me through.  I’m gonna give it my best shot!  No doubt about it!

Just felt like writing this afternoon.

Hope you’re all doing (and feeling) well, wherever you are!  If you’re going through something, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight!

Reflections.

February will forever be one of the most emotional times of my life.

Two years ago today marked the first full day in my “new” life. I came home on February 17, 2012 after living in a bubble of sorts at UT Southwestern. While I was glad to come home, I was absolutely terrified. I spent 12 1/2 days under 24 hour care of incredibly skilled medical professionals. I was leaving that safety zone and coming home with the instructions they gave me.  There were no swimming lessons about how to survive in the ocean that is brain injury, it was just sink or swim.

It’s been two years and some days I’m still absolutely terrified. This life is just so different, unpredictable, and honestly rather worrisome.  I have learned to tread water, but the waves can still overpower me at times.

When I reflect on how my life changed (literally) overnight, and how much is still ahead of me that I don’t know, I find that my only solace is knowing He still has plans for me here.  Surely He wouldn’t have left me here as He did for me to not have a purpose, right?  I’m seeking the reason why, but I still don’t think I’ve found it just yet.  I do feel I’m getting closer.  It seems like I’m playing a game of hot and cold and I’m getting a little warmer.

This new life is still so elusive and just when I think I’ve captured its essence, it escapes me again.  I still question everything.  Where am I going?  Why can’t I concentrate?  What does He want me to do?  Can I do this?  Is this in my best interest?  I hope I’m doing everything I can to help myself heal as best as I can.

February 6, 2014 is my annie-versary and the day that I beat the aneurysm, thanks to the skills of an incredible staff.  Two years out, life is good but it still feels like an alternate reality or some strange dream I just can’t wake up from.  It’s really very hard to put into words.
So, to remember where I am in all of this, I have to say what it’s like being two years out…

I still experience headaches, most often in the form of barometric pressure headaches.  If there’s a shift in the weather, I can tell you days in advance.  Who knew brain surgery could turn a person into a meteorologist? Haha!

I still become exhausted.  I think it’s more mental exhaustion, but it just seems to trickle straight down from my brain to my toes.  I can’t describe it, but once it hits, that’s it.  I’m done.  If I don’t rest, I will probably burst into tears.  Not because I’m sad, but because I’m so tired that I just cannot do anything else.

I still experience “emotions on steroids.”  That’s really the only way I can accurately describe what I feel.  Sometimes the emotions that I experience are overwhelming.  I very rarely ever cried before I became ill, but now just the smallest things will cause tears to well up in my eyes.  It’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just different.  When I’m happy, I’m really happy.  When I’m sad, I’m really sad.  I was always a sensitive person (more in the way of being sensitive to my environment rather than an emotional response) before, but now it’s magnified.  I just pick up on so much now that it’s like I have an antenna for a brain. Haha I don’t know, it’s the strangest thing.

My short term memory is still very short.   Unless I commit something to memory by repetition, or write it down and memorize it because I see it, I will forget it.  No, I’m not doing this to be difficult.  I genuinely forget.  I know that it can be frustrating to people because I’m “only” 26, and I shouldn’t have these issues, but it’s not an act.  Sticky notes and I have become best friends pretty much.

Multitasking is a long lost love. Yeah, it’s not gonna happen.  I can truthfully only focus on one thing at a time.  In order to do this, I prioritize everything.  I have lists, I have planners, I have alarms and calendars in my phone, I have sticky notes, notebooks, and a color coding system for school but I still have issues trying to keep it all in order.  It can just be overwhelming.

I become frustrated with myself.  I am not used to this life yet.  I’m not used to having to write it down or forget it, losing my thoughts right in the middle of sentences, nearly daily headaches, or the fatigue.  The brain fog is so annoying when all I want to do is focus, and I just get upset.  I have to remind myself to be kind with myself and be patient, because getting all worked up will not help me at all.  That’s partially why I have such an “OCD” system in place.  It keeps me calm.

My scars continue to make themselves known to me.  Just in case I ever think this is some weird dream, my incision and surrounding areas will randomly ache or itch.  The back right side of my head is still lacking sensation, probably from where nerves were cut.  I sometimes still have a lot of tenderness on the right temporal side, and the indentations are still felt.  It’s not a dream, I’m not going to wake up from this, and I am really here.  It’s just surreal, and I don’t know when/if it will ever seem real.

I finally gathered the strength to read my medical records. 225 pages worth of them, anyway.  That was something else.  I have absolutely 0 memory for 9 days of the 12 1/2 where I was hospitalized.  It’s probably a combination of brain trauma, the heavy medications I was under, and perhaps a protective mechanism that I don’t remember.  I was so afraid for the longest time to get my medical records because I kept thinking something would make sense and I would have a flashback.  What happened when I read them?  Tears, awe, many “Thank You’s” to Him, and a lot of inspiration for me to keep pursuing my goals of getting my bachelors of science in radiologic technology.  It was very humbling and motivating for me to read my records but it still feels like I’m reading about someone else’s life.  I guess it will just be this way, or maybe I haven’t fully accepted that this really did happen. I’m not sure what it is.

Tolerating my medications well.  I saw my neurologist on the 11th for a checkup since my seizure in April 2013.  I am still taking Keppra 500 mg 2 x/day and I have no issues with it.  I do take a B complex vitamin to counteract any additional fatigue it might cause, and that seems to help.  My neurologist did prescribe me a medication to take for my barometric pressure headaches.  I wanted something stronger than OTC Tylenol or Motrin, but not a narcotic.  I’m in school full time, so I need as much brain power as possible which also means I need to be as alert and pain free as possible.  Thankfully, Fioricet can fit that bill.  If anything changes, I will call her, but I’ve taken it a couple of times now and it seems to work as long as I take it when I feel “that kind” of headache coming on.  Yes, my headaches have categories and I can definitely tell the differences between them.

Fighting fear with faith.  Because of my grand mal, I now get a bit panicked when I hear a ringing or buzzing sound in my ear.   My aura to the seizure was a “cloudy, buzzing, foggy” sound and to me it was real, but I don’t think it was actually real.  I just remember hearing that sound, looking in the mirror where I was sitting and I had a dreadful feeling in my stomach.  I “knew” I was going to have a seizure.  I have no idea how I got across the room or how long I was out.  The only other person in the room with me was a 3 year old and she had no clue what was going on.  I don’t know when it was that my mom saw me, when she called the ambulance, or when an EMT was standing over me telling me “you had a seizure.”  All I remember was that sound, that dread in my stomach, trying to ask for help and seeing my mouth move but nothing was coming out, and the anger I felt at “not again” when I “woke up” with some random guy standing over me just like the night of my rupture. I really hope to never experience (any type) of seizure ever again.  I feel for people who experience them often or have epilepsy.  It is no joke!!!

Amazed.  When I really sit down and think about where I was this time last year, and where I was this time two years ago, “amazing” is the only word that can come close to what I think.  It’s just all so… Unbelievable.  How do I go from being nearly dead, to being back in school full time working towards a goal of giving back to others like those who gave to me?  How do I go from taking life for granted because I’m young (I was 24 at the time my “brain exploded) so surely I’ll “live forever, ” to the mindset of “tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise?”  How do I go from having God on stand by “if” I need Him, to the realization that He is always standing by me and He has carried me all along?

This has been the most trying, incredible, eye opening, painful, beautiful journey and I am truly blessed to walk it.  All of the survivor friends I have met along the way are such motivators for me to keep pressing on.  I’m not going to lie, I am a very intellectual person, but school with a brain injury is such a challenge.  It’s one I’m willing to fight through, because it’s worth it.  My survivor friends are worth it.  Being able to give back to other people who could be afflicted with this illness or any other type of brain injury completely fuels me.

I never knew the power of love until I realized how much people care.  Family is so important, friends are so important.  It is so important for you to show your support to people when they are hurting.  Even if they never tell you, it means more to them than you’ll ever know.  I have always loved people whose actions and words match, but now it’s more crucial to me than ever before. If you say you’re going to be here, be here.  If you just talk a good game, but there’s no follow through, you’re not the type I want to associate with.  Call it harsh, but that’s the truth.  In this fragile state, I need the most solid supports I can find.  I have been that solid support for other people, and I expect the same in return.  Maybe it’s just my love languages talking, but acts of service and quality time mean the world to me.  You can say “I love you” all day long, but if you don’t actually show it by simply being with me, I won’t be able to trust your word.

I want to just keep going, keep making progress, keep staying positive, and keep reaching out to others like me.

If you’re going through a painful situation, just remember to keep the faith, keep the fight.  I know it hurts right now, but seasons always change.  Remember that.  If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards the situation.  Whatever you choose to feed in your mind is what grows.  Feed positivity and know that it’s a choice as to how you will live your life.  You have what it takes to get through it, you just have to hold on.  Feel all that you want to feel, but don’t ever remain in one spot.  You can go there, but don’t stay there.  That’s what I remind myself of whenever I hit a pothole in this road.  It’s not easy, but trying to stay as positive as possible really helps.

I’m happy to be alive, I’m grateful for each opportunity I have to comfort someone else “like me,” and I’m just really blessed. :)  That’s where I am at two years out, and it’s lookin’ pretty good.  I’m gonna keep marching forward!