Do good, live well.

That’s the lesson our dad taught us, just by how he lived. Growing up, he’d give us life lessons in bite sized pieces and they definitely stuck. One of the main lessons was, “don’t do wrong and expect things to work out,” followed closely by “make good choices.” He’d say “college, knowledge, dollars,” and constantly stress the importance of education and the power it brings with it. Our dad truly was, still is, and will forever be a great gift. I know my siblings and I give thanks for him everyday, and I love how much the three of us really are like him in so many ways, even if we are our own people. I absolutely would not be where I am or who I am without my brother and sister, either. I’m glad our dad constantly told us to have one another’s back, because we’ve leaned heavily on one another the past four years.

Four years ago today, my siblings and I lost our dad very suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. I will never forget this day as long as I live, because I was the one who called the ambulance to report he was deceased. I found him early in the morning, around 7:30 a.m., and my entire life changed in that moment. Again. I don’t know how I did it, but I kept calm. “You’re so calm,” remarked the police chief (as well as one of the detectives) who came out to the house. I told each of them I was honestly trying not to panic because I didn’t know how my brain would react. I’d already had a “surprise seizure” just two years earlier (out of nowhere), and I didn’t want to have another one triggered by stress. I knew I couldn’t panic because I had to be there for my brother and sister, and someone had to speak for our dad. That someone was me. As the oldest sister and the one who was present when/where he passed, I had to step up and get to work. My main concern that day was making sure I was handling the business of death and speaking up about/for our dad, informing our family, and then taking care of my brother and sister.

In easily one of the most difficult days of my life, I managed to hold it all together when my inside was shattering. I was so broken, but I also knew what my dad would want from me and for me. He would want me to find peace wherever I could, and keep my head up. For me, that means getting to work. I immediately went into business mode. As much as death (especially suddenly) is emotional and painful, it is also a business, and settling an estate is not easy. It’s exhausting, dark, heavy. It complicates grief because you can’t even focus on hurt when you have to get all of these things done.

I remember the coroner asked us if we’d like to see our dad before they took him to the morgue and sent his body out for an autopsy and at first I said no. My sister said yes, but then I felt like I should just be beside her when she saw him. Looking at him, he looked so peaceful, he honestly just looked like he fell asleep. That was the day I realized how much of life is about a person’s energy and essence. It’s what they do while they’re alive, that makes them who they are. Bodies are truly just shells, vessels to carry the spirit through this world. I can’t explain it, maybe some of you have experienced it, but when someone passes away, everything that made them “them,” passes away too. It was a profound lesson to learn on that gray, cool Easter day, because it impacted how I want to live while I have time left. Our father left a legacy through us, and I am so grateful for it!

I made my dad three promises, and I am three for three. I finished school like I promised him I would, and that was one of his greatest hopes because he believed so strongly in knowledge and using what you know well. Although he did not go to college, he was honestly one of the smartest men I’ve ever met. He read so much, he would quiz us on current events and life in general, but his emotional intelligence was incredible. We have definitely inherited sensitivity and the wisdom to reach others using intuition, from him and our mom. Our dad was just so mellow and cool, but if he said it, he meant it. I say something, I mean it, and I wouldn’t have promised him I would finish school if I didn’t plan on seeing it through. What made it so difficult though, is my dad is the one who was so invested in my education and health. He and I would sit and talk for hours, every week, and he never once failed to ask me about what I was learning and how I felt, forcing me to take a break if I felt too overwhelmed. That’s why, when I didn’t get into the radiology program in Fall 2015 for the Spring 2016 class, I was beyond upset. I was actually irate and strongly considered quitting school because at that point, I felt like I’d lost everything in just six months. Right after I kind of found solid ground again for the first time (post-stroke and living a “new normal” with an acquired brain injury) in three years. I was so done, y’all. Just mentally done and so, so, so angry.

Not only had I spent the past two years working toward getting into this program, but I just lost my dad six months before I found out I didn’t get in! I was already tired trying to get through school with a brain injury, my program was difficult, I really wanted in, and RADS was something my dad and I both could see me doing. I wanted to hold true to exactly what I said I’d do. I wanted to be working in neuroradiology, helping save the lives of people “like me,” and understand what actually happened to me, from a medical perspective. That was one way I’d give back since a CT scan helped save my life. But no, now my academic dream came crashing down, and I didn’t even have my dad to listen and help me sort it all out. I was truly angry. The thing is, some of my best decisions come out of me being angry. I can’t explain it, but anger really motivates me to push harder even though I’m exhausted and don’t know exactly what to do. So, I talked to some trusted friends and advisors, made my decision and changed my major within a couple of weeks. I was pissed about having to change direction, but I was determined to still graduate and do something I love. I’ve graduated, but it was not easy to graduate without my dad being there to cheer me on. He would’ve loved to celebrate me and my work, and that’s why it meant so much to me that my sister decorated the inside of my cap the way she did! I’m still determined to use my degree in a way to help those “like me,” raise awareness and advocate for those with brain injuries, stroke survivors, invisible illnesses. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to do it. Mark my words. :)

I miss my dad every single day and there’s really not a day that goes by I don’t think about him. I need him more now than I did when I was younger, because he’s the one who would sit with me and help me find some calm in the chaos. If I didn’t know what to do and was stuck making a decision, I could take it all to him, dump it out and he would somehow sort it all into neat packages, give them to me, and tell me to “make good choices.” I could really use his help right now as I wait in this limbo state, trying to figure out exactly where I want my career to go. It’s difficult with a brain injury because I still struggle in a lot of ways, and I know how much I struggled when I went back to work in 2012. School was also difficult for me with this invisible (yet very real) injury, too, and I got through by pushing myself because it’d be too easy to just quit and I want to use what happened to me for a higher purpose than just having a story to tell. I just try to think of what he would tell me and how he’d want me to have peace and truth in my decision, and that helps a little bit. Our dad was all about “be true to you,” and living in the authenticity of who you are. When you are at peace with yourself and real with yourself, then and only then, can you be real with the world around you. You have to be who you are, not who the world expects you to be. That’s a lesson I’m beyond grateful for, because the world will try its damnedest to destroy you, and it’s inevitable that life throws some curveballs in your carefully laid plans.

I’m taking my time to be quiet and listen. I’m being patient and I’m absolutely dedicated to being true to me, because that’s how I was raised. I don’t like waiting, but I don’t have to like it to get it done. My life is different now and I have to be discriminating in how and where I spend my energy, as it’s limited. I only want to give the best I’ve got and I can’t do that when I’m not being true to me, or tired from doing too much. I don’t have to, and that’s something our dad left with me. He was so set in his routine and he knew himself so well it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of him. My siblings and I are very much like him that way. We just, do what we have to do, and that’s that. It’s refreshing, honestly. It won’t be this way forever and it’s just a season. Besides, I can sense a shift in energy and I know things will be looking up for me soon.

As much as I miss him, I give thanks I ever had a father to miss. Not everyone is so fortunate to have a father who is truly invested in their lives. My siblings and I definitely had a dad who was active, involved and present, and we are better for it. I don’t say that to say we are better than anyone else, nor do we think that way. I say it to acknowledge who our dad was and how much he impacted our lives while he was here as well as the legacy he left us, that we carry on. We are all living our lives as we were raised to do, and we definitely stick together no matter where in the world we are. I really mean it when I say we’re like a braid of three different colored strands, woven together. Stronger together and different, but unified. They are two of the greatest gifts of my life! I’m really proud of us and I know our dad would be so proud of us! That’s what keeps me going.

I’m still working through my grief (it’s not a linear process nor is there a timeline) because I didn’t focus much on my feelings, since I knew I had to handle my business and finish school. Haha just typing that made me hear my dad saying, “handle your business!” This is the first year since my stroke I’m not working or in school, and I have all this time to actually work through these tough emotions. It’s not easy or pretty, but it’s real and because I’m me, I’m going to be honest! It never gets easier, I think I just learn how to manage it better as time goes by. Having some close friends who also lost their dads in their 20s, as well as therapy and a strong support system has helped. I’m very thankful for everyone who has supported my siblings and me throughout the passing of our dad! It means so much to us.

I am a very sentimental person, so pictures mean a lot to me. These pictures are some of my favorites from over the years.

100% a daddy’s girl from the beginning! :)

February 14, 2015. The last picture of our dad. This was so funny because our cousins were visiting from D.C. (whom we hadn’t seen in years at that point) and my dad did not believe me they were coming to see us.

He thought I was joking and told me “Man, Rob, don’t play with me!” I tried to tell him I was serious and just to wait and see, but since he had to go to work that night, he told me to leave him alone and let him rest. Haha I just said “okay dad, you’ll see,” and walked out of his room. He was so happy and surprised when they showed up! I’ll never forget it! :)

One of the verses we had at our dad’s memorial. When we thought of the life he lived and a verse that might capsulize what our dad lived for, this is the one. It’s also why I chose “do good, live well” for my graduation cap. That’s essentially how we were raised by our parents, and was our dad’s main goal to teach us.

I shared this photo on Instagram on Father’s Day 2015 with the caption:
“The urn in which my father’s body now resides. Part of his spirit lives on through me and my siblings, and all of the lessons he gave us. Gone but never forgotten.”

Just showing my cremain (urn necklace) jewelry on my dad’s birthday, 2018. I wear the necklace when I want to feel closer to him and/or take him with me. I chose the infinity because it looks like the number eight, which was his birth month and date, and he gave me love that will live on forever.

These two! Oh, how I love them so much! The three of us are so different but also so much alike. I like to say we’re like a braid of three different colored strands, entwined together. I have no idea what we were laughing at, but it had to be something funny. It was probably something Kevin said and Kayla just happened to get the right moment.

I give thanks for them every single day and I’m grateful I’ve had them to walk through this journey together.

Life is so fragile and strange, but it is also beautiful. I have to rest in that knowledge and live with that belief everyday, regardless of what’s going on around me. I have to find it within myself to keep going, regardless of what’s happening without. I was raised very well and I choose to live like it. So much has changed, so much lost, but also so much gained. I give thanks for perspective and eyes that still see the good. Our dad gave us that ability and it’s a gift in life. For this, I will forever give thanks for the gift our my father, even though he’s gone Home.

May he continue to race in peace.

If you knew our dad, you know he loved Tupac. Right as I typed the last sentence, “you are appreciated” started playing on my phone. Haha what a sign! I’m listening, and I give thanks! KARs will always be appreciated. :)

Moments in time.

I wrote and shared this post as a status on Facebook back in January.  I was just looking through my timeline tonight and I found it again.  It made me smile, because I remember the moment so vividly.  I love “little things” like this that just hit you with such force you can’t help but have it seared into your memory.  Anyway, here we go. :)

“There I was, distracted in the day to day monotony of “would you like your receipt with you, or in the bag?” You walked in, and I was buried in the task of cleaning my station, irritated at the mess. You spoke “Ma’am, where can I get an application?” I looked up in a frenzy, half surprised and half annoyed that you’d distract me from trying to tidy up the mess. I looked up, half ready to roll my eyes when all of a sudden I lost my breath. I was so instantly captivated by your eyes. They were the most beautiful combination of blue, green, and clear I have ever seen. To this day, I have never lost my breath over a glimpse into someone’s eyes, and I wonder if it’ll ever happen again. I directed you towards where you needed to be, and just like that you were gone. Just like that, I was erupting in laughter at my annoyance and ability to be momentarily captured by something greater than me. Just like that, my co worker standing nearby was confused at the apparent hilarity that ensued from something as simple as “where can I get an application?” She didn’t understand how off guard you caught me. She didn’t understand that I’m rarely ever caught off guard. She didn’t understand that I now understood why they say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I eventually told her how I had been instantaneously mesmerized and she encouraged me to go find you. I resisted the urge to sprint back to where you were, because I was content in that single moment of realization. Thank you, stranger. Thank you.”

 

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day or those eyes.  Beautiful.  Simple.  Gone, in a moment.

The blog I should have posted sooner than this.

Exhale.

Eleven months as of January 4 and 6, 2013.  What?  Is this really my life?  The shock still hasn’t worn off that this is my real life, and I do really count the months since I “died” and have had the privilege of living life right.  My God is an awesome God, that’s all I can really say.  There have been moments in these past 11 months that I have seriously doubted my strength to get through this, doubted that God really thought of me in the midst of all of the world’s problems, doubted if I’d ever be “me” again.  Brain injury will do that to you, though.  It just… Changes you, even if the changes are minor.  I’m definitely not as I was before I got sick, but that’s really okay.  My mom was right when she said that I’d be a “better Robin.”  So, where am I at eleven months (+ 7 & 5 + 19 & 17 days as of this posting haha), you ask? Well…

I am…

Feeling Alive.
In a different way than I felt alive before I got sick.  I remember feeling like life was on steroids, now.  It isn’t as intense as it was when I first came home, but somedays I still become overwhelmed with the greatness of life.  I don’t know if this is just because I am so much more grateful for life, since I’m aware of just how fleeting it is, or if some of it has to do with the brain injury, too.  It’s probably a combination of both.  When I first came home, the colors were brighter, sounds were louder, smells were more intense.  It’s like all of my senses were on overdrive.  It’s lessened, but I do still have days where everything is just so beautiful and I am hyper-aware that I am alive.  It always floods my heart with gratefulness.

Staying Busy.
I am involved at church, I am working truly part time (instead of my old usual two part time jobs, clocking in a minimum of 40 hours a week) hours for the first time in a very long time (it feels weird), filling my time with those closest to me and enjoying every second of it.

Getting Healthier.
People make New Year’s Resolutions every year, and good for them.  However, this is no new year’s resolution, but a lifetime promise to take care of my body to the best of my ability.  I may not be able to control what happens inside of my body, but I do not want to give myself a reason to harm myself. I’ve always been rather petite at just 5’0″ tall, but I can say that I rarely ate the way that I should have been.  That all changed.  I keep joking that “I think they put something back together the wrong way” because I really crave healthy foods!  It’s funny!  If I could, I would easily be able to survive off of grilled chicken, zucchini, pineapple, and raspberries.  Those are my favorite foods.  I just love them!  I’m on a salad kick right now, and if you ever offer me pineapple, raspberries, strawberries, zucchini or grilled chicken, I’ll respond enthusiastically and probably give you a giant hug! :)

Working Out.
Slowly but surely, now that I’m eating correctly, both in types of food and timing of meals, I’ve started working out again.  I did my first Body Pump (by Les Mills) class on Monday, and I am still feeling the after effects.  It honestly hurts so good!!  Like I said before, I’ve always been small, but I guess it’s just my natural build that’s kept me looking small.  Genetics have been good to my body haha.  But now I want to control what I can control, and I really, really, really want to get back to my toned self like I was Sophomore year of high school from doing yoga/Pilates 3 times a week.  I was so fit!  I’ve gained 3 pounds (and haven’t lost them) in the past few weeks which means I’ve been eating enough, now… I’m up to 111.4 which is still pretty small… I wouldn’t mind getting back up to 120-125 if it’s muscle mass!!  That’s what I’m after.  I guess it was fitting, then, that Body Pump happens to be a weights based class. Haha I didn’t know that!  I went into it blindly, and I’m really glad I did.  I think if I had known what the class was, I might have tried to back out from fear that something would go wrong and I’d end up hurting myself.  I’m glad I went through with it.  That first day, though, it was just more about learning proper form when lifting and getting the technique down than actually pushing yourself with more weight.  We had a few different instructors in that class, and I liked them all.  I’m pretty introverted, so class/group exercise has never been my thing… But I really liked that atmosphere.  I also appreciated the instructors coming throughout the room to make sure that everyone’s form was correct.  Don’t want any injuries!  I’ll probably continue on with it, but for right now I’m just trying to let this soreness ease up.  I feel like I did something right, though. :)

A church member.

I finally joined the church I’ve been attending regularly since June 2012 this past Sunday, January 20.  Haha.  I just wanted to go back to my “old” church and talk with my pastor, update him on how I’ve been doing, let him know I really appreciate all he did for me and my family last year, and make sure that I felt like I closed that door properly before opening a new one.  There is absolutely nothing personal, I just feel like the church I’m at now is where I’m supposed to be.   I love it. :)  It’s a Baptist church, and I grew up Assemblies of God, but they both “reach” me.  God is wherever you are.  I’m not one for labels or stereotypes, so I dismiss most of it.  All I know is I serve an awesome God, and He will meet me wherever I am, so long as my heart is open to Him.

Two Weeks Away.
Wow, wow, wow.  I just looked at the calendar and saw that February 6 is exactly two weeks away from today.  What?  It will be ONE YEAR!!!! Ohhhh my gosh!  So two Monday’s from today will be my one year “annie-versary” for the rupture, and two weeks from today will be my “annie-versary” for brain surgery.  I can’t lie, I’ve gotten teary eyed a lot in these past couple of weeks just thinking about how tumultuous, broken, beautiful, and strengthening this past nearly year has been.  I have not ever been through a more unexpected, surprising, hurtful year.  To date, anyway.  Or at least not one that I’ve been conscious of and able to recall on memory.  I can’t remember my first year of life, although I know that was quite the ordeal, too.  Remember, I started out as a 1 pound 8 ounce micro-preemie.  So I’ve had my fair share of illness and the fallout it brings.  But this is just different. I’m so conscious of this, I’m so aware of it all.  I feel… I just feel like even though it broke me down, it also rebuilds me.  I’ve always thought that sometimes in life you have to break to rebuild.  It is beginning to make sense, now.

Still Surprised.
I don’t know when/if this whole aneurysm rupture will ever seem real.  I guess it’s because I literally have zero memory for a good 9 days (the first 9) of my 12 in the hospital.  It still just doesn’t seem real.  Maybe it’s because I’m handling it so much better, now.  Maybe it’s because I believe Romans 8:28 applies very strongly to this situation (and many others in life), maybe it’s because I’m so grateful to be so blessed, I don’t know.  It just still doesn’t seem real and it’s been almost a year.  I haven’t read over the journal that my mom and sister made for me in a while, but just thinking about its contents is enough to make me cry.  It’s just overwhelming, really.

Moving Forward.
What’s next?  I’ve always been future focused.  Always dreaming of what’s next in life, what goals am I shooting towards, what obstacles do I want to conquer?  This year will be big in its own way.  Hopefully big in a lot less dramatic way (at least not in as painful of a dramatic way haha), but it is already shaping itself up to be a year full of changes.  I’m excited about everything, though.  Come March or April, I will have some unique opportunities to work with someone who hosted me for a week in high school when we did our job shadowing week.  This Summer has at least one very special event that I am excited to be a part of… I’m not going to say too much, but this year is already looking pretty good. :)  I’m even thinking of trying to get back into school this  fall, maybe.  I will have to see how I feel about it, pray on it, and make sure I’m prioritizing my life so that I don’t over extend myself, like I’ve been known to do.  I can still move, just slower, these days.  That’s a big lesson to learn when you’re so used to having several irons in the fire.

 

 

Tranquil.
I’m just really at peace, overall.  Life is just good, even when it doesn’t feel so good all the time.  I have a deeper understanding of life’s meaning, what matters and what does not matter.  You cannot buy this in stores.  In fact, I think that the only other people I know who happen to think the way that I do are those who have suffered through something that has dramatically changed their life.  You just realize how to live.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my less than stellar days.  I don’t want to make it sound as though I’m walking around like I’m floating on rainbows amid butterflies.  Haha that is not the case at all, I just know what really matters and what does not.  I know how to separate hard times from a hard life.  I know how to recognize, give thanks for, and count my blessings even in the middle of a storm.  I know that God is going to take care of me, even if I have no idea what in the world He is doing.  I know that I can trust in Him, regardless of what’s going on around me or what challenge I am facing.  That right there will give you a sense of calm and peace that is inexplicable. :)  Life changes, He does not change.  I don’t know what could be more reassuring than that, while living in a world that is constantly morphing.

Blessed.
I am really in awe at how blessed I am throughout all of this.  From the location of the rupture (both in my brain, and the room I was in when it ruptured), to the hospital I was in, to the people that have been in my life for long, long, long before this ever even happened, to the people that are in my life now as a result of this happening… I am so blessed.  God is always weaving His tapestry.  Sometimes I think the colors don’t match, or the patterns are clashing, but He knows what He is doing to create His masterpiece.  Being the artistic type myself, I know that the artist always sees the finished product before they even begin the craft.  Sometimes they alter things along the way, but they create something straight from the heart.  That’s what I’m trusting here.  I absolutely could not have done so well without the mindset I’ve always had, the awesome people standing in my corner, and a God that loves me dearly.  I’m just so blessed.  Beyond all belief or understanding. :)

Well, that’s all for now, because I do need to post this.  I’m also hungry and I made a salad earlier, I just need to go cook my chicken to add to it. :)  I’m really going to make an effort to write more!  I need to just set aside some time each week to sit down and write.  I just get so distracted with life that I don’t stop to write it all down, even though I think “ooh, I should write about this!” haha.  Some things will never change.  Anyway, I hope that y’all are all doing well!  I hope that your year is starting off well, and that you’re continuing to keep the faith, keep the fight throughout your circumstances. :)  Thank you for reading, and be blessed!!