Happy “Annie-versary” to me!!!

I wrote these notes to my mom on the day of surgery!  She and my sister kept a journal for me (where the first posts on this blog come from–go back to June to start reading from the post entitled “February 4, 2012”) and I couldn’t talk due to being intubated… But I wrote these the morning of surgery.  God was with me then, and He is still with me everyday!  I love it, and this one little picture shows so much strength.  God is real, and He loves us!  Excuse my poor handwriting at the time, haha.  In case you can’t read it clearly, I was asking my mom “Are you scared? Wow!” probably in response to something she told me… Then she asked me if I was scared and I wrote back to her “I’m not God is with me” :)  Perfection!

Well, folks… Today is it!  “Officially” six months!  Six months ago, I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again or feel like myself, again!!  I really didn’t.  I had lost faith in myself and my ability to overcome.  But, I am here!! Six months!!!  I say officially in quotes, because I count my “annie-versary” by the weeks.  I passed the 24 week mark on July 21.  If there are 4 weeks in a month, and 24 weeks in six months, then July 21 was “technically” 24 weeks or 6 months.  Haha don’t judge me.  I’ll count however I want to!

Anyways, in not wanting to confuse anyone, I still see the 4th and 6th of the months as “official” dates!  The 4th is the official date since the rupture (or the night I feel I died) and the 6th is the official date since surgery. Another month!  Praise to God.  Annie-versary is a term we within the brain aneurysm community use to mark another milestone.  A bit of a play on words, but as a writer I love word play.

So, how do I feel?   I feel pretty strong!  I feel like I’m improving, and continue to improve everyday.  I feel like God is truly reshaping my life and that I can only go up from here, especially with my eyes and heart focused on Him first.  Matthew 6:33 reads, “But seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Not only do I love this verse, I totally “get it,” now.  I don’t know what took me so long!  I really don’t know why I kept procrastinating on a real-lationship with God.

Yesterday at church, the sermon was preached by Sam (who is awesome, hilarious, and did a wonderful job, might I add!) and his message spoke straight at my heart.  He spoke of procrastination and how we often procrastinate spiritually.  Umm, yeah why don’t you just put the spotlight on me, then?  Before I got sick, this was me.  I’ve told y’all I had God on standby, “there if I need Him.”  No more.  I seek Him, daily and I find Him.  I find Him in small ways, I find Him in big ways.  I’m so grateful for this change in myself.  I’m so grateful for this second chance to get it right!  Not everyone is blessed with that opportunity.  I can only assume (and feel it in my heart) that I’ve been awarded this chance because He still has work left here for me to do.  Work for His Kingdom and all I want to do is live for Him and do what He needs me to do.  That’s it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Had you asked me what my life was about last year, I don’t even know what I would’ve told you.  Maybe I would’ve said it was about a wild night out with friends, or maybe a quiet night in with the headphones on (like I’m doing right now haha) or about shopping, clothes, a cute guy, a new phone… I don’t know.  Now, if you were to ask me what my life is about, I can easily (without a doubt) tell you it’s about God.  How He’s doing a work in me, how I’m alive because of Him, how He’s saved my life twice, how I love Him so much.

Sam led us to Ephesians 5:15-16 which read “¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live —not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” Two little verses, packed with power.  That’s what I see, there.  That’s what I felt yesterday as Sam broke them down into his own interpretation and I came to my own conclusions as well.  Sam was speaking about how people interpret verse 15’s “days are evil” to mean the wickedness of the world, but how he saw it a bit differently.  I too, see it a bit differently.  To me, verse 15 means to manage your time wisely and not in pursuit of unrighteous things.  Before I became sick, I would spend my time in the most mundane ways, seriously. Like, what was I doing, and better yet, why?  Verse 16 means that we are in some trying days, and even if the things around us aren’t evil, if we spend our time pursuing evil (worldly) things, then we make a day evil.  Not that worldly things are always evil, but they do become evil when we miss the mark of seeking God first, and invest all of this time into whatever it is we think the world will give us.  That’s where the evil comes in.

Sam then spoke about how to make the most of our time here.  He said we make the most of our time by investing small amounts over a long period of time.  He spoke about how people will work out, make all of these new year’s resolutions to lose that extra weight this year, make better grades this semester, pray for that person we’ve been telling we’d pray for this afternoon, etc.  Whatever ways we can find to put something off until another time.  He spoke of how if we want to see results that we have to take an initial small step and work our way up.  You can’t workout super hard on January 1, and expect to look like a fitness magazine model/body builder on January 2.  However, if you work out a little each day, you’ll see as the weeks and months go by, you’re starting to look and feel better.  You’ve just got to start somewhere.

When I first came home, nearly six months ago (February 17), I was paralyzed in fear.  I truly did not know how to live.  I didn’t feel like myself and I wasn’t sure what limitations I had.  I didn’t want to do anything that I used to love to do (and thank God I don’t want to do some of those things–drinking, cursing, living worldly) like sitting for hours listening to music, writing, or going to dinner with my friends.  I just had no desire to do anything.  I wasn’t (and I’m not and never have been) suicidal or anything, I just wasn’t sure how to live.  It’s a very odd feeling.  I’ve had to take those small steps to get to where I am today.  I started out just doing something away from home.  A trip to the store would be so cool to me, because it was outside of the house and I couldn’t focus on my illness or the shock of it all.  I loathe Wal Mart (haha, really) so for me to say I looked forward to going to Wal Mart, is something serious.  Then I went to the movies on February 24, and that was another step.  Then I drove again for the first time since February 4 on March 14, and that was another step.  Then a sleepover (like the good ol’ days) with my best friend, Rachel, and that was another step.  Then I began working again (April 2 and April 4 between the two jobs) and that was another step. Now I do all of these things without thinking, because they’re natural to me.  I’ve learned that I don’t have to fear to live, but I do need to be cautious of what I’m doing, so I won’t endanger my health.

My time, these days, is dedicated to God first, then my family, friends, and work follow.  My recovery is going strong and although it’s been difficult, I can say with ease that it has gotten much less difficult as the days go by.  I didn’t want to believe any of people’s encouraging words when they’d tell me that “things will get better.”  Even people I’ve connected with through the Brain Aneurysm Foundation community who are far, far ahead of me in recovery would tell me that, but I was so depressed that I just didn’t even want to hear it, much less believe it.  But they are right, it does get better.  It has gotten better, and it will continue to get better everyday.  God is so good!

So, on this six month “annie-versary,” I just want to encourage anyone else going through their own storm, to keep the faith and keep the fight!!  Keep pushing forward, because you can make it!  If you’re one of those who are like who I used to be, just merely dipping your toes into the waters of a real-lationship with Jesus Christ, I want to encourage you to dive in!!  Dive into a life with Him leading, and allow the blessings He has for you to reshape your life.  That’s what I’m doing, now.  I’m being renewed by Him daily, and I’m so grateful.  I told my college pastor yesterday that “it’s been rough, but I’m making it.  Growing pains.”  That’s exactly how I’m choosing to see this situation, because that’s what it has been to me.  I’m not perfect, and I never will be.  I do still sin (although not in the same ways as before) and I am still unworthy of His glory and the goodness  He bestows upon me… But I am honest with Him, I love Him, and I want to live out His will for my life with this second chance.  I want to use this time of mine to get it right.  So that’s what I’m going to do!  I’m a pretty stubborn (in mostly the right ways) and strong willed person.  What I set my mind to, I accomplish.  This time, I have my mind set on the things of God and goodness for myself and for others.  He is real, and He does transform if you allow Him.  Or in my case, something happened to me that made me give up the ways of the world.  I felt the difference in ICU and I’ve run with it since then.  I’ll never give this up!! :)

If anyone out there is reading this and wants to know Jesus, or needs me to pray for anything… Leave a comment or send me an email and I would be happy to pray for/with you!  I mean it!  The address is xoxoro7@gmail.com and I will check it and respond to you as soon as I am able to!  But, just so y’all know… In order to have God in your life, you don’t have to make it some grandiose scene.  Jesus was very humble, and He appreciates the like.  You can just simply ask Him to come into your life, and tell Him that you want to know Him.  It’s really and truly that simple!!  He never takes a day off, and He is always open to receiving us.  So please, don’t be like I was… Don’t think that there’s always another time, and you’ll get to it later.  You may not have another chance.  The morning of February 4, 2012, I didn’t think I could die before midnight that same night.  How?  I had been in pretty good health (besides my prematurity and resulting asthma) before that happened, I didn’t even know what a brain aneurysm was, much less knew I was harboring one inside my skull… Yet it was a little time bomb ticking away.  God has been using this for my good (Romans 8:28!) and I am so grateful for it!  That’s how I feel, on my six month annie-versary!  Feels good to feel good, too.  Feels great to say I feel good and mean it!! Praise be to God!!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll never quit saying it:  Tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Make it right today.

Thank you all for reading, and be blessed!! :)

Manifesto

Just wanted to share this song/video with y’all because I just love this song SO much!  Every time I hear it when I’m cruising down the street, I just get so pumped up about God and the awesomeness of He! Haha.  I have just now seen (parts of) the video, and it looks so fun.  I know for sure I’d have a blast jumping around up there on that rooftop and dancing/singing/praising with like minded people. Plus, I’m in a music video… Um, cool! Hahah.  I especially love the part where he is singing the Lord’s Prayer and the sound of the instruments in the background.  Poetic, and awesome. :)

 

Brain Buddies!

Hey, y’all! Okay, I’ve coined the term “brain buddies” to describe a group of people I’ve befriended over the common ground of brain surgery and the recovery that follows.  No, our stories are not the same, but they share enough that I feel we are able to supportive of one another because we understand that the other “gets it.”  It’s very important to feel you’re not alone in this.  Seriously, very important.  As much as your friends/family/co workers/bosses/significant others try to understand, they simply don’t.  Not that they don’t want to, they just don’t.  Because it hasn’t happened to them (and I’m okay if nothing like this ever happens to anyone else as long as I live) so they just can’t empathize even though they sympathize.

Anyways, I’ve had the privilege of bonding with many people all over Texas, the U.S., and the world because of my ruptured brain aneurysm.  Before this, I had never heard of anyone having brain surgery, or a neurosurgeon except for one friend who had an AVM rupture when we were freshmen in high school.  Ten years ago.  Within the past 6 months, I’ve “met” quite a few people and I feel compelled to share with them my journey, in hopes I may be able to assist them in their own journey.  This is a rough road, and it helps a lot to know you’re not alone.  So I’m just going to write out some notes to those “brain buddies” of mine, because they’re on my mind, right now. :)

 

Maranda

Thank you. Seriously.  Thank you so much for talking me through this recovery, especially in the beginning.  I know that we haven’t talked in a while, but I also know that you’re here if I need you.  I thank you so much for just listening to me, and sharing your own struggles from your AVM experience.  It’s comforting to know I’m not alone, and even more comforting to hear the story of someone I personally know.  I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice.  Thank you for teaching me how to breathe (seriously) and suggesting that I talk with a therapist if I think it would help.  Therapy has been great for me, and I find myself breathing slowly thinking of what you taught me.  I’m also grateful for the hope you remind me of.  Ten years later, and you’ve managed to live just as normal of a life than anyone.  That gives me hope that I too will go onto live a pretty normal life, no matter how abnormal I feel.  I love you so much, and I’m blessed to call you a friend even if it has been an entirely long time since we’ve even seen each other.  I’m thankful you beat those 50/50 odds against you, girl.  I think God knew I would need you one day. :) You’re awesome, I’m proud of who you are, and proud to call you friend. <3

T

Hey, girl!  Wow… Our story is really so crazy.  Let me say that I cannot wait to officially meet you, first of all!  Second of all, I’m so thankful that you found this blog and that we’ve since communicated in other ways, too!  Who knew that we’d even think of one another, much less connect and actually become friends?  We were side by side (I was in 304 so she was either 303 or 305) in ICU, both with the same emergency, and had our surgeries on the same day, by the same neurosurgeon.  What?  Yes, people, this is real.  I’m still mad at you for pushing my surgery back!!  Hahah.  JK.  But I do find it humorous to know why it got pushed back!  Of course it wasn’t funny at all, but I’m glad that we are able to talk about it and laugh.  I’m thankful that you knew what was going on with you, and that you were able to get yourself the help you desperately needed.  I still chuckle that you told the 911 operator you were “having a subarachnoid hemorrhage.”  Not because it’s funny, but because your brain is bleeding yet you’re still coherent and able enough to tell her exactly what is going on with you.  Your nursing definitely probably saved your own life, and I’m thankful for that for you!! God is so good!  I thought of you often after I came home because I wanted to know what happened to “that girl my family talked about all the time.”  Now I know!  I’m glad that you’re recovering well, and I pray for your eyesight.  We are truly blessed, though that our deficits are probably the least they could’ve been.  I’m thankful that you were able to go to the therapies to help you start your recovery off right.  I think about you everyday, and I pray for you often.  My friend, we are only about 3 hours apart, so you know we will be seeing each other!!  You’ve got my number, so just let me know when you’re ready. :)  Keep on pushing forward, and know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I understand and I’m here for you!! “That you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.” Romans 1:12 :)

MK

Hey, sweetheart!  You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, either.  However, your friend Lindsey Long posted a tweet about you on Twitter, and I saw it through a retweet of a follower of mine.  For some reason, I felt the need to know more about you, and I told your friend that I had just had brain surgery in February, and that I’m in the recovery phase.  I told her that our God is able, and that I would be praying for you.  She and I tweeted back and forth to one another, and she eventually added me on Facebook to send me a request to the group your parents (I’m guessing) set up for you!  I have read your updates everyday.  I’ve found myself laughing, crying, and rejoicing over the progress you are making.  Our God is so good!!  I have been deep in prayer for you, that the same blessings I’ve experienced may be granted to you, too. I  just know our God is an able God and He will provide.  I understand that what you’re going through is difficult, unexpected, and painful.  I understand that you will spend some days crying, feeling hurt, and wishing it would just stop hurting so bad.  I want to let you know that things like that will get better as time passes on.  You will have to be patient with yourself, and those around you, but it will get better.  Your story has touched me so much, and I’m proud to know how great your faith is!  You’re obviously a good girl, and you’ve got so many people who love you and support you.  Lindsey told me last week that they were wearing yellow for you.  Yellow is my favorite color, too :)  You may have heard it before, but in case you haven’t… Whenever you’re feeling okay, listen to “The Desert Song” by Hillsong.  “All of my life, in every season, You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship” has been such an uplifting reminder for me.  Music is good for you.  Take it easy, girl, I’m watching your progress and praying for you!!! :) Cheering you on from Texas!

Matthew

Once again, I don’t know you, but I know of you.  Hannah is a mutual friend of ours, and on June 24, she wrote me a message on Facebook informing me of your condition and asked that I pray for you.  I was immediately humbled by your story and her requests.  I cried, like I often do these days haha.  But I was just feeling hurt that someone else so young would have to undergo something so traumatic, too. It’s awful and I wish it didn’t exist.  I wish we could just be carefree and live our lives like the rest of our peers.  But we can’t.  All we can do, since we can’t change the situation at hand is change our attitude towards the situation at hand.  Easier said than done, I know… But it is possible.  Philippians 4:13 reminds us that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us.  I honestly cannot imagine the pain that you’re experiencing.  All I know is the pain that I felt, and that was awful.  But please know that I think of you often and that I pray for you.  I pray for your restoration, and for your strength throughout this trying time in your life.  I may not understand the malignancy aspect of your condition, but I do understand the trauma of brain surgery and the recovery that follows it. For those reasons alone, I want you to know that I am here if you ever want or need someone to talk to.  You have good friends in Hannah and Brad, they genuinely care about you and want the best for you.  That’s pretty awesome for me to know, because I know how difficult the recovery is, and how you can’t have enough support.  Keep the faith, keep the fight, and keep pressing on!! Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and that I am here if you ever want or need to talk.  I’m blessed to know about your condition, so that I can pray with the same faith others used when they prayed for me.  Blessed to be a blessing!  Hang in there! :)

Quincy

Hey, you!  Yet another Twitter friend! :)  I think it’s really cool how we “met” each other through a testimony tweet! I’m glad to let you know that you’re not alone in your recovery, and I’m glad to know that there is hope and that recovery will continue.  I just want to say thank you for the suggestions you give to me, and the advice that you offer.  Once again, it’s good to know you’re not alone and I appreciate hearing from someone else who is ahead of me in the game because I know that they may have experienced things I will experience.  Your story is touching and I’m glad to know of it.  I know there are more of us out there, maybe they will see us and come forward, too!  That’d be awesome. :)  You too, are in my thoughts and prayers. :)  No doubt.  I’m glad that we can look at our recovery from a spiritual standpoint and trust in God to continue to heal us.  He is a huge part of my recovery, and I can tell that He is a part of yours, too!  That’s the way it should be.  Or it certainly makes it easier when we focus on Him to sustain us throughout this difficult brain injury/recovery.  I’m glad that you can relate to how my memory loss frustrates me and bothers me that I can’t remember, that you are always encouraging me to rest or sleep, and make sure that I eat (haha like so many people do–my appetite is still slack) to keep the headaches at bay.  I’m glad that one silly little tweet led us to one another and that we can encourage each other.  You’re pretty cool, and I’m proud of you. :)  Thank you for befriending me, and I pray for your continued recovery, even though you’re quite a ways out.  I don’t believe the doctor’s when they say things like “where he/she is in a year is where he/she will be for life.”  Know why I don’t believe it?  Because our God restores and gives us life abundantly. :)  That’s my prayer for you!  That you learn to compensate for the areas affected by your aneurysm rupture, and stay in good spirits throughout it all.  You’re an inspiration to me, and I thank you for it!

And now for a few very fitting Bible verses for my “brain buddies” that I feel relate to us, and have kept me sane when I feel so alone in this recovery, sometimes… They’ve comforted me, given me peace, and a sense of hope when it has seemed so dark and alone.  I hope that they speak to your heart, too!!

James 1:2-4

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

1 Peter 5:8-11

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator and ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

2 Timothy 1:7

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

My brain buddies, y’all have my love, support, encouragement, and prayer!  Keep the faith, keep the fight! I know it may seem dark, but take it from me (someone who was in a very dark place just 5 months ago) that it will get brighter and the light will quit flickering.  Just allow yourself to go through the process and emotions of recovery.  You are stronger than you think, and with God on your side, you will get through!  I’m always here if any of you ever want or need to talk. :)  Take care!

With love,

Robin

I really don’t know what to name this post! Haha.

What a lovely Sunday.  I’m just lounging around at Rachel’s house and I woke up from a nap feeling very compelled to write.  This morning we had a guest pastor from Romania who came and spoke to us.  His lesson was about not being held prisoner to your circumstances. It was all around Paul’s letters to the people of Philippi and it was so good!  He spoke about how Paul used his circumstances during his imprisonment to bring others to Christ and how his suffering turned out for the better.  It’s almost uncanny (but God’s timing is perfect) that this was the message I heard on the 24 week (officially six months!) anniversary of my brain aneurysm rupture.

When you’re in the midst of suffering, your first inclination is not to ask “God, how can I use this to better serve You and glorify Your kingdom?”  No.  Your first inclination is to ask “God, why? Why me?  I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and if You loved me, You wouldn’t let this happen to me. Why?  Why?”  The latter question was very much the question I asked when I first became aware of what had happened to me.  I just was so heartbroken, and angry in a way.  Not necessarily mad at God, but mad that something so horrific happened to me, a good person who didn’t deserve it.  Well, a lot of things happen to a lot of people in this world that they do not deserve.  I don’t know why, but as I progress through this recovery, I’m learning that it’s not my place to ask why or even need to understand.  All that I need to understand is that God does love me, I need to trust Him, it wasn’t my time yet, and He does have work here for me to do.  I cannot do His work if I’m so consumed with the why of what happened to me.  I get peace from it more as the days pass on.  It will never not hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did in the beginning.  I’d say the first 4-5 months of this recovery.  The 5th-6th month has been much more smooth than the beginning, and I am entirely grateful for that.

Now that I’ve let go of most of the anxiety, depression, and fear, (and there are still some rough days in there), I find myself seeking God’s will for my life.  I want to know how to use the one thing that shattered my world, to rebuild it and beautify it for Him.  That’s all I want in my life, now.  Before I became sick, I was never an awful person, but make no mistakes, I was not perfect.   I’ve always had very sound morals and principles, but those don’t get you to Heaven.  I had accepted Christ into my life at a young age, but I wasn’t truly living for Him.  That all changed sometime in ICU.  It really hit home again on March 23, 2012.  Ever since then, I’ve just been seeking God.  It’s wonderful to feel that He is revealing things to you that you may have never understood otherwise.  He’s an awesome God!  On March 23, 2012, I quit asking God why, and started asking him to restore me to that “better Robin” my mom and many others spoke over me.  I cried out to Him in pure sincerity and told him I couldn’t do it, and to please just take control of my life, for good.  I didn’t want to try and make it better, I wanted Him to restore me.  And I can honestly say that He has been.  It feels awesome, too!

I’ve recently said that February 4, 2012 was the worst best day of my life.  Haha.  In many ways, that is true.  When you think of having the best day ever, I’m sure that emergencies and trauma are never part of the equation.  But you see, God can take our trials, tests, broken pieces,shattered spirits,  and restore them.  He can.  It takes time, and it is difficult, but He can do it.  All you have to do is first, admit to Him that you cannot do it on your own, and then release it all to Him.  Let Him work it out for you.  This has been a huge test in patience, faith, trust, and rest for me.  I hope I pass with flying colors!  Those who know me well know that I’m always planning, always trying to manage a situation, always being responsible, and with all of that usually comes a constant need to be moving.  It’s been difficult for me to just rest.  I’ve just recently cut back my hours at work (yes, I still have two jobs) because I’m finding that I’m not as well as I think I am.  I’m doing wonderful, don’t get me wrong.  But the injured brain cannot handle the things that a non injured brain can.  I cannot afford (physically/mentally/emotionally) to work the insane amount of hours I worked last year.  I just can’t.  I find myself becoming very agitated, frustrated, forgetful, and annoyed at those feelings, these days.  But it isn’t like I want to be that way.  It’s a by product of the aneurysm rupture and brain surgery.  Now that I’ m accepting the fact that I am not the same as I was before, my next test is to rest.

Yeah, right.  Me? Rest? Ha!  I’m 24, I’m supposed to be able to run around all day, stay up all night, and still have energy left over.  I. cannot. do. it.  When I do try to push myself to pre-rupture me, I pay for it.  Usually (in my case) in fatigue, memory loss, inability to concentrate, and a very irritable mood.  That’s not okay.  That’s not how I need to care for myself, and maybe this happened for me to rest so that God could continue to speak to me, if only I’d slow down long enough to hear  Him.  I’m working on it, though.  Taking the necessary steps to ensure that I have as strong of a recovery (doctor’s say at least a year to see where a patient will be) as I can.  It’s okay.  I don’t need to feel guilty for taking  care of myself.  I should feel guilty for allowing myself to get to a point where I’m breaking down because I’ve overwhelmed myself again.  So, that’s where I’m at.  The slow down, again.  From February 17-April 1, I was at home.  I went out and about a few of those days, but the fatigue was so unreal that I couldn’t even stand to be in a crowd, I would cry, and I would sleep a lot.  Then somewhere, slowly, I started to regain energy.  So I just worked up little bits, and found myself feeling “normal,” again.

April 2, I went back to work for 4 hours a day at job #1, just two days a week.  I went back to job #2 on April 4 for four hours a day, two days a week.  I’ve tried a couple of times to increase my hours to make more money (to keep the “small” medical bills from stressing me out too much) but I’m finding that I just need more downtime.  That’s okay, too.  I have to take care of myself, period.  Doesn’t matter what anyone says or thinks.  This is about my health.  So here comes the slow down again.  But this time, I’ll actually take those naps my neurosurgeon and his nurse constantly told me to take.  Haha.  I took a nap everyday for a month, then I was like “Well this is boring, let’s go do something!”  I quit taking naps, and now somedays where I’ll have a 13-14 hour day (like I used to, many days) I’ll find myself longing to just take a nap.  Soon enough!

Overall, I’m proud of myself.  I’ve had moments where I was afraid of myself.  I felt myself slipping, and it scared me because I was wondering what had happened to me?  What happened to that strong spirit?  What happened to that smile?  What happened to that laughter?  It scared me, I didn’t know who I was at times.  But I felt like who I was died.  And she did, but not all of her.  Just the parts that needed to die in order for the better parts of me to have a better life.  God is working on me constantly, and I’m trusting that He knows what He’s doing (because He keeps revealing Himself in various ways and I know it’s nothing other than a God thing) and I’m working on more patience and rest.  I’ll get there.  Therapy has been wonderful in helping me cope with the anxieties, obsession with health matters, fears, and pain.  My family and friends have been so supportive and as understanding as they can be.  However, you’ll never understand a  person with an injured brain unless you’ve had a brain injury yourself.  Doesn’t mean that you don’t want to understand, and that you don’t strive to understand… You just simply won’t, because you haven’t lived it.  I’m in no ways discounting their love, support, and encouragement, either.  I’m thankful to God for the family I have and the friends who have been so uplifting to me.  Thank you all, for everything!

I’m ready to make these next six months much stronger than the first six months of my recovery!  Let’s go! :)  Philippians 4:13.

As the pastor was preaching, I had a little flashback to some texts saved in my phone from February 13, 2012.  They take place between a friend, Michael, and me.  I will type them out so that y’all can see how funny God’s ways are, and how we might not even see two things come together until months (or even years) after the fact! :)

Michael: I love you and want you to know your strength in life and in the Lord is shining in many people’s lives right now through the pain you’re going through.  You’re making us all stronger and sucks you have to suffer for it, but we won’t ask why.

Robin: True. I’ve never understood a lot of things in my life, but questioning them doesn’t seem right, either. And if anyone can benefit from me…. I’m blessed to be a blessing. Count it all joy :)

See my spirit?  Those words are the reason I say that the depression, anxiety, fear, and anger are not me.  That was 7 days after an emergency brain surgery to save my life.  If I could have that mindset in pain, in an ICU, I can have that same mindset at home, in recovery, no matter how difficult it may get at times!  I’m glad I saved those texts so I can go back and read them again on one of those days I’m having a pity party for myself.  Yes, what happened to me is awful, but I’m not going to wallow in self pity and desperation.  Where will I get with that? Besides, that’s what satan wants.  He wants me to be in a place of hopelessness, angst, and to stay there.  Well, I say no! I say God did not leave me here to let me wilt.  He wants me to flourish, and I want to flourish to be a better person for Him.  I want others to see Him through me, and if like Michael said, that the Lord was shining through me and the circumstances, then I am blessed!
 
One of my “brain buddies” just text me about her message in church this morning, Philippians 4:1 “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”  Hahaha.  I am laughing, because that is such a God thing!!! Only He would have very similar messages preached to two women who were side by side in ICU, with ruptured brain aneurysms and subsequent emergency brain surgeries, by the same neurosurgeon! We have never met each other, and don’t even live in the same city. Yet we each have this little reminder of hope. :) He is so awesome! :) I love it!

Hope all of my readers are doing well :)

At Your Name

Another one of my favorite songs.  I just have songs randomly pop into my mind… And this one is one of the best worship songs I’ve heard. :) I very rarely ever listen to any secular music, now, except country (hello, I’m Texan!) and acoustic, mellow types of music… I just don’t want to pollute my mind and soul with the junk of the world, honestly.  And I want to keep giving God the glory for the amazing things He’s done for me!  Phil Wickham is one of my favorite Christian artists, no doubt! So I just want to share this song with anyone reading!

This one especially speaks to me because of this crazy year I’ve been going through.  I just feel like anything can be accomplished in the name of Jesus.  That’s exactly what this song says to me, and I love it!  I know I’m here because of a great God who loves with a love unending and unfailing.  There’s no other reason.  Yes, science and medical technology helped save my life, but if it wasn’t in the Lord’s plan for me to be alive, I wouldn’t be.  It doesn’t matter what technological advances the doctors knew to do.  My life ultimately belongs to Him, and He’ll do with it what is in His will.  I trust He has good plans for me, though, and that’s why I’m here! :)

On my Spirit.

I’ve written some very detailed status updates on Facebook that I usually wake up with, and can’t rest until I get them all out.  They weigh heavily on my spirit, so I always just share them as “on my spirit” posts.  Right as I published the last post about freedom, I felt a need to go back to the beginning and share the first “on my spirit” that I wrote.  I wrote it on April 15! Anyways, here it is!

“I was so irritated when my mom woke me up this morning, but that quickly passed as God laid a  message for me to share with someone (I don’t know who) needing to hear it.  So I’ve chosen to post it here for all to see! :) It’s long, so be prepared.  You don’t have to read, but I hope it’s just what you needed to hear if you do read!

On my spirit this morning:

God has an incredible plan for your life.  All He asks is that you give Him the time and space He needs to make the changes ensuring you a future better than anything you could ever imagine.  In Jeremiah 29:11, we are promised hope and a future, to be prospered and not harmed.  Believe and receive!  Do not be quick to try to figure it out yourself, as it probably won’t be a solid, long term solution.  You can have all things beautiful, joyous, and whole.  In due time.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 speaks on timing.  Once again, believe and receive!  Trust in His perfect plan for your life, trust in His perfect timing.

As humans, we are intrinsically flawed and cannot comprehend perfection in all things.  But God’s ways are perfect eternally, and better than our own plans.  His way is the only whole, and true way.  Just open your heart up to Him, and let Him move within your life.  You’ll see the changes and reap the benefits when you give God the time and space.  Even just a few minutes a day pleases Him.  After all, He has granted each of us a lifetime!

Talk to Him when you’re going about your day, running errands, taking a bath or shower, cooking dinner, whenever you can.  I find my time with Him as soon as I wake up, before my feet even hit the ground.  But what works for me may not be the best for you.  Carve your own niche for your time with Him.

Be faithful about it, as as He is faithful with us in His promises.  Practice the same patience in waiting on His ways in your life as He does with us when we try things our way and continuously stumble, then  seek Him when things fail again.  Keep your heart open for Him, as He does for you when you go running back, broken, and begging to be whole again.

Ten weeks ago today, I wrote that I wasn’t scared because God is with me, before undergoing emergency brain surgery.  He’s always with us, we leave Him.  I’m honored He left me here when I should’ve died, medically speaking.   I’m honored He is using me and has completely transformed my life.I know it will only get better.  He never takes away without plans for a greater restoration.  We just have to give him space, time, trust, patience, and belief.  If you need someone to talk to, or would like some prayer, let me know! I’m always willing to do both, and in confidence!  Message me, call me, stop me when/if you see me out, whatever!

Remember that the brightest light comes after the darkest night, and keep the faith, keep the fight! <3”

:)

Blessings.

I want to take a little break from “journey journaling,” and share with y’all a post I guest wrote for my very close friend, who I call my sister, Jaclyn’s blog back in January. :)  It’s entitled Blessings, and I didn’t know it at the time, but my own words would once again give me so much strength in the days ahead of me. I wrote it on January 7,  2012, exactly 4 weeks before my life was drastically changed.  Here it is…

“Hello to all of miss lovely Jaclyn Whitmore’s readers. :)  A few days ago, I was discussing with Jaclyn various ways for her to keep her blog rolling throughout the year, even when she may be entirely too busy (she’s a wonder woman, seriously!) to write herself. One of my suggestions was to feature a guest blogger from time to time. She loved the idea, and asked me what I had been thinking about lately. I told her, and she asked me to write as a guest blogger for her. I told her I would be honored… And here we have it, folks.

I am a firm believer in blessings. If you wake up and you’re able to see another day, through each eye, you are blessed. If your feet hit the ground and you are able to stand up by yourself, you are blessed. If you can walk down the hallways of your house, you are blessed. Grab your morning coffee, juice, cereal, toast? Blessed. It is so easy to get lost in the day to day movement of life that we often forget to take a moment to slow down and realize hey… All of this doesn’t have to be given to me. Yet it is. I am blessed. Thank you, God for creating this life for me. I hope that I live life the way You want me to, and that through me, others know You.  I remember back in November (for my Face book users) when that “thankful” status went viral. It forced me every single day of November (or some days 2 or 3 updates at once because I wasn’t yet a smart phone–surprise–user!) to update my friends and family on what I consider a blessing in my life. At first it was difficult. I wanted to be original, and I wanted to not repeat the previous days blessing(s).  But then as the days went on, I found myself seeing blessings everywhere.  I honestly felt like because I chose to acknowledge and publicly proclaim my blessings, more were awarded to me.  Life can be so funny like that. Which brings me to my next point…

It is vital for us to adopt a positive attitude. What better way to start, than in this new year when we all feel refreshed and ready for a change? When we adopt this attitude and navigate through the seas of life with this mindset, we are awarded with more positive outcomes.  Call me naive, or whatever… But I am truly a regular Pollyanna. The true optimist. Forever seeing even the tiniest ray of light in places a light hasn’t shown in God knows how long. I can’t help it. It’s inherent within me to always try to find the upside. Why? Because I know that when I do, it makes dealing a little easier. Suddenly, things aren’t so bad anymore.  I know it may drive my friends and family crazy sometimes because it can come off as avoiding reality.  Which is never my intention. I try very hard to center myself, focus on what’s at hand, and then act accordingly. What has been according to me in these past few years, is that it’s essential to keep your head above water. Tread water if you feel like you may be sinking, but don’t let yourself go under. Try to see the light.

Realize that each day, you are blessed. If it will help you to be reminded of this, maybe write down a reason, big or small why you feel blessed that day. It’s a perfect gateway into adopting a more positive attitude. You may even find that once you’ve started this lifestyle change, more blessings appear. It’s great, really. Sure, some people may be annoyed with your mindset, and try to convince you otherwise. But do not let them contaminate your spirit. Be very careful the people that you surround yourself with. They have more of an impact on you than you may realize sometimes. So, surround yourself in good company, count those blessings, write them down if you need to, and watch as good generates more good.

I pray that each and every one of you has a spectacular year. That laughter and love flow easily, comfort surrounds you, and peace rests within you. Enjoy yourself, take chances, but be smart about your decisions, have fun, and take care of yourselves and your loved ones. That’s all we can do to get by. Oh, and smile. Smiles are important. :)”

Good generates more of the same, just as negativity generates more of the same.  You get to choose which one you’d like to have overflowing within your life.  I have to remind myself of this during the “down days” of this recovery.  Do I want to feel miserable, today?  Or do I want to thank God that I am walking, talking, breathing, and functioning on my own?  The choice is mine.  Do I want to let the fear overtake my mind, or do I want to fight that fear with the faith that God brought me this far, and won’t abandon me now?  Everyday, there’s a conscious decision I make.  I know I’m still “early” in recovery, although these have been the longest past 5 months of my life and it is a big like a rollercoaster in terms of emotions and just processing it all.  I’m handling it very well.  So well, in fact, that many people have told me I’m the strongest person they know.  Thank you all for the encouragement.  I’m tired, but you all give me the strength to push just a little further.

I count my blessings everyday, and now, just waking up is a blessing.  I’ve been saying it…  But remember, tomorrow is a privilege, not a promise.  Do you think I thought I might die on Saturday night, February 4?  No.  Clearly not, as I was making plans to live it up the next day for the Superbowl.  Never even dreamed this could happen to me.  Whenever I learned just how dire the situation was at my first follow up with Dr. White on March 6, I wasn’t scared that I could have died.  I was scared that I could have died and not known where my soul would spend eternity.  That scared me, and it made me very sad.  I had already decided at some point during my ICU stay that “as soon as” I was recovered, I was going to give my life up for the Lord’s will in mind, body, and spirit.  I’m not fully recovered, though, and with a brain injury, recovery is a lifelong process.  So, while I’m doing as good as I am, I’ve been living for Him with the life He’s granted me to live.  No sense in waiting until I feel better.  No… I’m going to do it everyday.  So, that’s where the changes have come from.  I’m thankful to be alive, able to love my friends and family, and enjoy my life.